Human People

There was a beautiful person at Pleasant Hill yesterday. She worked on a laptop by the windows. She got up a few times to look at books and go to the restroom. I shelved some books near her. I wanted to stare at her, but I only glanced a few times. She had longish orange hair tied in the back, shaved on the side. She wore a white tank top. She had a what seemed to be a perfect body, about 5'6" I think. I didn't get a good look, but her face seemed squarish, gentle, and strong. Her skin was pinkish peach. She seemed European or futuristic.

I felt gross compared to her. I felt creepy when shelving near her. Even without hearing my thoughts, she would think I am creepy. It was somewhat painful to see her or think about her. I wanted to get over her, but that was impossible. I didn't want to think anything about her that did not match her apparent beauty and grace. There was an old guy walking around near her. I hoped he wasn't thinking anything nasty about her. In my head I commanded him not to.

I briefly imagined talking to her, but I felt there was really no way I could. I didn't want to know anything about her for fear that she has glaring personality flaws, interior ugliness. Wanting a perfect woman is quite selfish and sexist of me. I even thought about being intimate with her, just snuggling and petting and kissing, and both of us being silent so as not to ruin anything. In that way I wanted her to be like a pet dog, for us to love each other unconditionally. Even dogs have conditions, basic as they are. I went into the restroom. I looked in the mirror. I thought that I had to kill her. I wondered why I would think that (other than it being something overly dramatic and pseudo-interesting that I have heard from TV and movies.) Part of it is so that no one else can have her, since I can't. The biggest part is just that it pains me to know she exists and that I can't "have her" like a pet. Sex pet. Really I just want her to be happy. It is way too bad that I barely thought of her as a human. It is good that I am realising this though. It's not like I could ever ever be outwardly violent or disrespectful. Of course it takes a lot of work to be respectful, to care about the well being of others as much as mine. But I want to be a better person, just for my own sake. I want to make it easier to live with myself.

Anyway, I hope she is doing well. She looks very beautiful. Everyone should know that.

Hello, I'm Back

I am alive. They are black-skinned or brownish-skinned. The music makes me smile [:

Dilated Peoples - Expansion Team...

Pat is not here. I got home an hour ago.

I am Tim's computer...

Haha, I meant I am on Tim's computer. My laptop died.

It is Wednesday. This year is dying. Years go fast and days go so slow. Most days actually go quickly.

And the months fly by.

It's been almost 5 months since I began working at the library.

I know I would feel much better if I read more. I feel awful about abandoning Aaron kefir.

[: "Worst Comes to Worst" is playing. It's beautiful. I guess Kit had downloaded it. I wonder how he found it.

Straight up 12 years ago.

It's horror and amazing asses and flaming dikes. Blood shed, tool barn, asteroid camp.

I texted Aaron. I was listening to Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls, but I can't listen and type at the same time.

I thought I would read or write this morning, but I just watched youtube... and listened to Lonesome Crowded West. Julio and Dave and some lady came into to inspect the apartment.

I am listening to Trout Mask Replica again. "Pena" is crazy. I feel like I am smelling beer.

I guess I will apply to a 20 library job tomorrow.

Oh, that damn kefir. I don't want to work at all... I eat crap.

I really don't like listening to most of Trout Mask Replica.

I was cleaning out the yogurt jar after pouring the kefir down the drain. I just texted with Mom and talked to Kit. I feel trapped in a hole. Bike ride, birthday, renaissance fair.

I thought of watching Louie and when I thought of what I was doing I said This isn't much fun.

I turned on the TV and Now I am going.

Dream

I am at a college. I go to class. It's middle eastern studies, I think. I am late. I walk into a room full of people sitting at a long u-shaped table. An old man stands in the middle. He was talking, now everyone is quiet and looks at me. I feel that I am in the wrong room, or maybe I am just embarrassed. I leave right away. I hang out in the hallway with some people and chairs.

I sit with Doug Benson at a merch table outside of a theater after his show. No one else is there. We slump and talk lazily. I think that maybe he's not funny because he is lazy and consider telling him this. He shows me some objects. A plastic horse pulling something. Then, a man riding a small orange horse that is trying to ride a larger red horse. We both say that it makes us horny in a general way.

Chill Peep

Life Without Buildings... Sorrow

I thought they were Australian, because of the live album recorded there.

There was a lot of lightning here. It seemed like everything was exploding.

Australia is probably in the top 3 places I want to visit.

It's so far... There Earth is big. It's on another day, the opposite season.

How is the movie Australia? $9,99? I accidentally typed a comma instead of a period, but I kept it because I think that how a lot of the world does it. Oh, I just looked it up and it's mostly Europe and South America who use commas. It's strange... I like it.

I live right next to a Hispanic cemetery. I want to walk around in it, but it's always locked, and I'm afraid I'll get caught and be seen as disrespectful. Just a little ways down the road is a Masonic cemetery. It's pretty big. It's pretty. I have walked thru a few times during the day. Once or twice with my good friend/only friend, Aaron.

Thinking of my life/life in general from another person's perspective feels infinitely helpful.

It's amazing what we can do.

Architecture in Helsinki?

Eyes and skin and hair and light and neural pathways and runways and air traffic controllers. Silver screen, digital projectors, international pop stars, 80 year old nurses. Botanical gardens, bees, cremated candy, Last will and testament, unpublished memoirs.

That's it....

I want to or need to write about my life in order to make sense of it or turn it into something positive and meaningful. I want to structure it around the places I have lived in. Starting with 827. This apartment, then working back towards living in the house with all my family, Mom, brothers, stepfather...


OK

A Journal To Save Life

It's close to 11 pm. I just emailed Aaron. I am watching OLLA again, for the third time. I freaked out and fell to the floor because DOmino kept meowing at me. It hurt my neck shoulder area a little. I ate a bowl of lettuce, carrot and olive oil. I came back to the apartment after work ended at 9 pm. It was another slow day for libraries and brains.

I fried some frozen salmon and now I'm eating it.

"I love Jack White."

I eat the skin...

I wrote some words in my spiral.

You oughta hear this.

Charlie Feathers

What is Rockabilly

The Internet is fantastic and under appreciated.

What is real physics

I feel doomed, hopeless, regretful, sorry.

Self-Meaning is dying, disappearing, crippling. Detaching. Away. Far. Being.

Shed, I burst to kiss Jeff Mangum, loosely, losing all shape and prism and prison and begging bars and after wealth and shoving health face plants and grooming and growing twothousand tears old and beginning to fever and ash and successful blood tongue fruit gasping artful beautiful basking love.

I am going to go som mewhere. WONDER..............  Breakfast, Floss. CoFEE. AGAIN, I am.

I have dreams, I dream, Saving forever.

Stacy on Friday... It gives, all there, all over