Again Today

I just told myself a few days ago that I was sure I would never watch porn again. Somehow I let myself. I masturbated twice in the last 12 hours. Last night I was thinking about texting Ranisha to see if I can go to her place Friday night then I could get a blowjob and titfuck her maybe even have sex, then I came and I thought how stupid that idea was. Then I watched more porn this morning then thought of texting her again and letting her make me come. It even seems like something I want to do still. I thought of the order of sexual acts I could do with her. First we make out and I feel her up and maybe finger her, but that's gross, because I actually think she is gross, but I get so excited. I am never going to text her again. I'll just reply to her. I hung out with Ashley last night. After I left I thought of asking her, Would it be gross or uncomfortable if I touched you? Because I really want to. I want to make out with her. I am afraid that I will remind her of Tim or she thinks it is taboo to be with two brothers even over a year apart. Like the Lone Ranger, it's pretty weird. She usually is not that pretty to me. But I am so close to her, I really think I love her. I imagined leaning over and wrapping my arms around her tightly. Putting my head on her shoulder. I made Pina Coladas. Ashley and Jay had a small glass each and I had two and half I think. We played Gloom, which Ashley enjoyed it seemed. I won by a hundred. It was fun. Jay went to bed. We played with Sly and listened to We Are Undenyable, and watched youtube and I told her a little about ASMR, we watched tiny candy food making videos. I forgot my keys and we hugged three times I think, never really as full or long as i want. I wish I was the same height as her. I should have put the bag down and crouched until our eyes were even, then one arm up and one down. Really I want her boobs to press against my chest and put my chin on her neck and press our ears together.

I went to the Food Bank at one yesterday. I left at the break at 2:30. I made more coffee and watched 30 Rock. Now Why? is playing and I think about Andrea's breasts. i have to search breast massage now.

what else, Gravity's Rainbow is difficult to understand. Thinking alot bout mtg, added to cold fire yesterday and tim read what i have. Going to bastrop soon. Movie with aaron and evan, life aquatic. Sleep at mom's. Have a better thursday.

Totally Because Yeah

I am totally alone now. Except for Domino. And All the people who live in this building right now. Last night. I was here and the other guys were in the bedrooms. RJD2 the glow. That reminds me of apprentice eh, star wars... Jedis are really cool. I don't care about star wars much. I love the monopoly game. It is really pretty and makes me nostalgic. Christian Slater, i started to type bale but no batman, no Hey ash watcha plain.. Blackalicious is supreme! REALEASE!!!!!!! hAHA i made a pun or something.. two words made one another word some kind of konnection?  Ha DOOO I do not know Man Men I love Men, I love Humansw and earth and love and stars and whatever is in the space between the particles we have discovered.

My clavicles are sore. Passionate Men! Passionate Love. Passionate Work. Passionate Dedication. Passion Fruit Passion Friend. Hehe Saul Williams just said Passion.. I love the guy, oh...

Over whelming me, Oak and elming me... Haha, he's great. Things that aaron understands and things he wants to understand.

I've tried to add some to Cold Fire but I've lost almost all enthusiasm for it. Soul Position is real real good.

Brutal truth, feel so good, clean, real. Ready. Open. Strong. Stable. Efficient. Kind. Playful.

I'm afraid Padre is waste of time. I am going to try to make the most of it. I don't know. I guess I need to make money. I told Stacy that the Library seems like the right place for me until I can grow food and help feed people well. I love mom more than anything. I look forward most to when she gets to Padre Thursday.
I think I need to journal there. I plan to drink almost everyday, except the last. Alcohol i mean. I hope I have fun and don't take it too seriously as a time and place to grow and learn more about family, I hope I don't try too hard and I hope I don't try too little.

Ha, I was on tribe called quest radio, but I changed it, too much Wu tang violence, Now tcq is on blackalicious radio. Here comes the world...

A band name: Good Germs, I read "germs of good" In karamazov. Album called I Hope You Listen.

I imagined singing on the ruta maya stage at an open mike i guess. Just random words about blossom and cars and stuff..

I yoga'ed early morning. Except pb cheese sandwich and mozz sticks I think I ate Okay. I played OFF for awhile and stopped just before aaron got here, then he left. Oh yeah pat got coffee and doughnuts. Today seemed unusually bright. It just felt unreal. Like I could see better or just more. Like im seeing things differently somehow. Spotify is half of my real world. I want to cut off the facebook... I'm going to wake at 730, so I want to bed soon. If this MTG was out of sight I wouldnt be interested in it every day. I made two sealed decks today. Hey Ash seems like pretty average truth of upscale nerd gamers. I am not sure what that means.

Ashley listened to Swimwear... It is exasperatingly funny.


Sounds good, like summer who I was. Like Bastrop Kids, movies highschool, words silly, Grass Trees, Cleanest Houses, Abandoned shops, vacant lots, open spaces, city council meeting with the school board, farm trucks, Shakespeare nights, Radio, Glistening taco cabana, Artificial ears, Crying dolls, Dark darkness, starless skies, blank screens, lotion and mangoes, Porch light moth wings, Distance pleasure, Ashley. Greg. Forever. Dreams. Repetition. Suitability. Effort. Dry water. Macaroni. Mothers. Swiffers. Cats. life death. Piles of dirt driveways holes dusk dawn memories lawns reading writing futures explanations implications consequences truths hopes, tears, ponies, condoms, Drawers, Desk, Animal Crossing, This is dedicated to her, I miss her... I am her so much. Pumpkins, Fall, Settling, Friendship, Leaves, Jobs, Lightning fast, Parking lots, Elmo, Ernie, Dublin, Sheer face hair fringe cream skin. Feelings... frustration... Needs... Obstacles... Selves... Mystery.

What am I saying, I am channeling the wonder deep inside my unconscious mind. This music brings up a lot in me. I just texted her. She makes me feel like Nikki did, my life is happening, I have to do the best, It has to be right now, I am this real person and I know what to do and I have to do it despite every difficulty.

(: haha, love is so greeat and powerfill, like the big bad ozz frames janko... epistle apostle, ganja memephone, abridge apology, After waver sound lever, Peen apple, French disc course, dicourse, pleebs {: nuh byebye My lover, Apple food cake wake well waylay weee peeple... nooze Shy

Something to do. This is controlled and substantial. I am standing at my laptop, listening to Spotify radio.We Have Band. Then Pat came in and I stopped for a while, we checked the mail. Julie sent me and aaron postcards from Georgia. I microwaved a cucumber and put salt and oil and chili powder on it. I scrambled an egg in the left over oil and ate it. I am having a second cup of coffee. It's pretty much an actual cup. I signed up for a three hour shift at the food bank tomorrow afternoon. I played OFF for a while. It's getting more taxing. I sort of want to play Mother 3. But I think Aaron wants me to read. I read some last night, but it was crazy hard. I closed the book and got out a letter from Aaron and read four pages of that. Last night I wrote that Free Write on ego-youthful. I've thought about asking Aaron to read it. I thought about telling him how I think about killing him a lot. I told him, I hope i didnt kill you, because I put my finger in his drink. After I said it I thought, I don't care if you die, it might even be better if you do. Getting the ECG at PPD was sort of scary. It felt like dystopia where everyone is sick all the time and hooked up to machines and are unhappy and scared. I tried to sit down to read last night, but it was very uncomfortable, so I stood for a while and changed my position a lot and bounced or swayed. This coffee cream is nice. It's toffee i think. I really don't know what to do. I was thinking that all the problems in the universe are the result of matter being arranged the wrong way. That's why this guy is here treating this woman badly. The chemicals in his brain are wrong or he's supposed to be working in a field on the other side of the world where he is happy and this woman is supposed to be sleeping and having a nice dream.
Pat is eating cheese rolls and scrolling thru netflix. He's told me to eat pizza rolls a few times since last night. I told him i am trying to be healthy, even though for lunch I had a peanut butter sandwich with three oreos on it. After my chicken potato dinner I ate some vanilla wafers. The chicken was probably pretty unhealthy. Oh pat put on an LCD soundsystem documentary. Buebuey
Then the day changed.
It was nothing. It was a mistake or not. I am off the wagon. I kicked the bucket. Is that a reference to hanging oneself? Anyway I got up and ate nilla wafers and peanut butter then a cheese roll and peproni roll and cherry coke. I felt like it didn't matter. There was tasty foods around me. My stomach can do it. They won't really get inside my blood and in my cells and if they do they'll just feed them and they won't mutate them or make them die. Maybe. I really barely know anything. I know things I can see, but I can't see much.

In an hour and a half I have to get ready to go to food bank. I'm watching apprenticeEh. I annoy and frustrate Aaron by doing "nothing". What I do is watch youtube and play videogames and eat. He wants me to read. I can expand my reality by reading. I think watching vlogs can expand my reality. I feel like I accept nothing about my reality. I feel like it is all wrong. I will shower soon. I don't want to get my teeth out. I am afraid of the pain, but it won't last long.

I don't know what to say or how to end it. I mean that doubly about this and about my life. Not as in I am going to kill myself but I don't know how, but as in I don't know what the end or purpose of my life is. I don't know how to pursue some kind of life goal. I don't know how to find out what that goal is. I don't know how to make choices. I often feel like I am not real. I am not who I am.

What's for lunch. What will I wear. What will I say and do.