Pissing and Pwning

I'm O.K. He was awake at midnight. Sunday or Saturday. Probably Monday at noon.

That means nothing. Dear Internet Journal,

It is 11:18 p.m. on Monday. The date is up there. I am invested in my ACC classes. It is what I've decided to do, so I must do it. I have nothing else to do. There is less than a month left for classes. I have about three papers to write. Short ones albeit. I will work backwards for a minute. I firmly believe that I want to read The Brothers Karamazov when I am finished here. I flushed two Kleenexes, which I had to use in place of toilet paper. I could have gone to the store, or even gone into Tim's bathroom. But there is Ashley and Domino. Patrick and I watched three episodes of Frasier this evening after working out. I drove us to Sonic and he bought us a root beer float. I had a cheese and green chile tamale and a turkey wrap with cheese and greens. I drank some cherry limeade that comes in powder packets. Before driving to math class I played Limbo. A song just came on Grooveshark called Brother, and I am about to cry now. My math professor brought a violin to class and played some to teach us about octaves. I think there was a point in class where I had to suppress my urge to cry. It was probably a quiet moment that felt like it had some poignancy to me. I dreamed that Ashley and I were cuddling on a sofa and I asked her out and she agreed and we both were saying something like "finally!". I ate a pizza slice for lunch and watched King of the Hill. I did Latin homework. I drove to class, and at the last minute I remembered it was cancelled because the professor's father is sick. Or ill was the word in the e-mail. I took a picture of my right eye and my peace lily's flower with my new phone. We watched the Ides of March on Saturday. I didn't like it as much I wanted to. I guess it was all right. It seemed like women are unfairly portrayed in it. She sleeps around, gets pregnant, gets emotional, gets a man to pay for her abortion, then seems to kill herself or mistakenly drinks alcohol with her meds. Then she's replaced and used as collateral for the main character to get ahead politically by blackmail. It's all good. Jan was there. She paid. Then we waited a while to get my phone. Nice young black man helped us. I'm listening to Galaxie 500 cover Velvet Underground. Goooooof. We pulled up flowers at Kit's then played Magic until I had to go meet Max and Julie at Zilker. It had been a long time since I'd seen him. Ashley went with me. Max and Julie each had a frisbee golf disc. We hugged them. We drove to the greenbelt. It was nightfall. We walked in the creek bed in the low light. We ate cheese, saltines, and honey roasted peanuts that were in Julie's brown backpack. We hugged again in the parking lot. I said to Ashley that Julie gets prettier all the time. Ashley said she wished she was as pretty as Julie. I said You're pretty in your own way... and that no one can be as pretty as Julie, which were both dumb things to say I guess. We always want to keep from making people feel bad, but they're going to feel bad anyway. I fuking hurt your fuking feelings. Hah, what a funny sentence, yes?

It's time to end this 30 minutes of typing. I'm listening to Natureboy. Yipppeeee! Say it manly.

OK byebye does toe eve sky...

Love, Greg

I just read two text messages from Aaron and Mom that were sent about 6 hours ago, but I just now turned on my phone at five till midnight or so. I wanted to type this, because I had a strong feeling that I am a huge disappointment. I misspelled disappointment on my first try. I really like the word 'misspelled'. Aaron's text was asking if he was ever going to get that letter. I have sent him two things, but I guess my mailing style isn't effective, and there was a problem sending my letters. I had the feeling that he felt I was ignoring him and I'm ashamed that I could have made him feel that. I'm also deeply torn about having a relationship with Ranisha. I imagined telling her I don't like her and telling her I don't like her smell. I feel practically horrible for getting her hopes hopelessly high. I kind of find myself settling for ignoring her as much as I can. There's a buttload of homework for theater class. I have a whole play to read for tomorrow. I regret that Ranisha might read this. It nearly makes me cry this moment. I'm sorry if you are reading or crying and very sorry for not communicating. I have become obsessed with Curses Fired. I am listening to it on loop. I'm glad I've got that mess inside me about Ranisha out. It eats at me. The main concern I have relates to the text Mom sent me. She asked how much I will need for October rent and bills. I felt sorry for taking her money at this late stage. I still do. I feel bad for being so lazy and selfish. I'm not sure where the problem arises from. Maybe it's just confusion. I let it all go bye.

After theater yesterday, I ate some red beans and rice. I took my math stuff into my room, but ended up just looking at porn and masturbating. Then, I almost started doing homework. I wrote the title of the section. Then, I just wrote whatever I wanted to, mostly random words and partial expressions of angst, but I posted it onto my other blog. Pat and I worked out then went to buy muscle milks. I asked him if he thought they worked. He said they probably made a little difference. I mostly just like the taste. I played Curses Fired again. This morning Pat and I went to Target. 'Target' is and extremely weird word. Ashley was off work. I was going to say she was 'home' today. We watched Roxanne, with Steve Martin. I actually went to my math class. It went OK. I found out I haven't missed my test like I thought. Ashley played Little Big Planet all day. I did Latin. We had half class. Tim made cheeseburgers. It was the day after his birthday. Sunday we ate Olive Garden. It went OK. Tim played Shadow o'da Colossus while Ashley and I watched. Yesterday I really missed Aaron and I do again some. We watched the last Home Movies episode. Pat made me a new standard deck and we tested it. Tim asked if we wanted to play MTG with Casey on Saturday, so we'll plan on that. I feel piss. ... I'm cry. I'm listening to more Natureboy. She is solemn in her sounds. I was reminded of In America. I like that film. MaxWELL DaMON. I realize I'm sort of gay. All of my sexual orientation is theoretical though. I'm pretty sexless. But I see some men I have sensual urges toward. They're never as strong as my urges toward women though. In general I find women much more attractive, but I almost just want to prove that being gay and loving and lusting for whoever you want is important. There is a small girl in my Latin class who excites me. She has short black hair. I just realized she is probably younger than me. She has mentioned her boyfriend several times in class.

I don't know what to do. I'm kinda worn out. It's almost 1 am now. My laptee battery is maybe low. I want to look at Andrea's photos now.

Baaaaaaaahh laaaaaaaahhh

Monday, September 19 and Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Sunday night I was not able to go to sleep before 2 am. I cannot remember when I finally did fall asleep. I wrote a lot of junk on paper. I'd like to go back and read that junk. I tried to make some Chrono Trigger MTG cards online. Then I masturbated in a frustrated way to put myself to sleep. I made oatmeal Monday morning. I probably stayed in bed until 10:30. I skipped a shower. I put some pants on. For some reason I wanted to play Mario Party and I did. I got 3rd place. I had almost decided to skip class. I had done some of the homework Sunday evening, but I stopped and watched Tim and Eric. I was not going to finish it. I thought I might turn it in to the mail room in the evening. I walked to Walgreens and bought 2 Tollhouse cookie ice cream sandwiches and a vanilla frappuccino. It was close to noon. I cannot remember what I did for an hour. Then tt was almost time to go to class, and I got kind of ready and left. I parked at Garrison park again. I sat in the car and listened to whatever, some Pitchfork song that I thought was the Pixies. I decided I would be happier to skip class and turned the car back on and drove away. I drove through some residential streets. A song that I believe is by Portishead came on, and it almost made me cry. I liked it. I drove to Mary Moore Seawright park and tried to do some math homework but the windiness was a bother. I walked about. There was a weird guy who seemed to be following me. He freaked me out. We were alone at the horse corral. I saw a dead raccoon under this wooden structure. I walked around the tennis courts and past the disc golfers. I went to this gathering hall of some sort. It reminded me of the Blair Witch Project and of the Village, without any horror aspects, and of this one documentary about some mental asylum that I do not remember so well. I read these plaques about the wildlife, flora, geology and history of the area. I walked in this creek bed right close. I thought about writing this short essay about myself, what I do, and what I think. I was going to title it "The Math Homework", but that doesn't really say much. I like the dates. [Pat makes noise at night. I wonder if he figures we can hear him. I suppose he supposes us to be asleep.] I was a tad scared of snakes. I walked out and back to the car. I went to the apartment. I made ramen noodles. I put on Larry Sander's Show and watched 2 episodes that I had missed. I tried to sleep some until Tim and Ashley got home. Before Tim got in, I started my Latin homework. I finished it just in time, taking a break to shower. I was a couple minutes late to class. It was a nice class. Back in the apartment, I found an Arby's sandwich and ate it. Patrick and I watched Larry Sander's and ate Tollhouses. Then we watched Dolores Claiborne. It was all right. Maybe we did not watch Larry Sander's last night. It's easy to switch days around. Last night.... I must've gone to sleep. I must have been awake at 11:00 am. I showered. I made coffee. I made scrambled eggs and toast. I watched Adventure Time. I enjoyed an episode that Aaron and I had enjoyed. I wrote Aaron a letter on the inside of an envelope. I left for Geology class. I was running late. I walked from Garrison and I was ten minutes late. I was right down the hall from the room. Climbing the stairs was daunting, exhausting. I turned away, walked back down, and left the building. I knew it was some kind of mistake. I justified losing the perfect attendance bonus points by thinking I would have missed some class between now and the end of the semester. I walked and walked. I thought I saw Mom's car driving on West Gate. At the very end of West Gate, the concrete and buildings made me start singing Custom Concern to myself. I walked to the 360 greenbelt entrance. I started on the trail then thought of thirsty hungry bobcats and left, went back the way I came. My boxers were way up in my crack, so I went in the outhouse-like toilet and pulled them down. I had to walk up that hill towards Toys Are Us. I was beat. I went into Pokejo's and had a sausage wrap with sweet tea. I walked down Manchaca. I knew I was getting sun burnt. As I had begun my walk, I had thought of getting the sunscreen but had decided I didn't care. Back in the car, I checked the time and saw it was nearly time for my theater class to start. I drove to the parking garage, listening to "Every Breath I Take". I stopped on the top level. It was an O.K., easy class. The professor is somewhat enjoyable. Back at the apartment, I was unsure of what to do. Pat and I began playing Magic. Pat reminded me of pizza rolls. I told Tim and he ordered them. Then we went to Target before getting them. Back again, we ate and drank cream soda and watched Lost. Pat and I played Magic some more. We went to the fitness center and pumped weights. Then we drank Muscle Milk and watched Larry Sander's. Oh, oh, yes, so typical. Now how here I am. I am here. I'm in my room and it's 1:26 am. I want to sleep. It's 1:27. I hope tomorrow goes well. Bye See ya later.

PS, I made a song like this: "5 alligators later, I spilled my best shirt on my mushroom, now how about that. 5 crocodiles earlier, I spilled my shirt on my best mushroom, now I'm sad about that, 5 alligators later....

grg

- with love

Hey fucshchcin Sexy, I am loving you.

Readdd a few more pages, the last pages of the fifth or sixth chapter of the Brothers Karamazov. The title of the chapter is Why Is Such a Man Alive?

I also readdd the 2nd Letter to a Young Poettt.

I am lissstening to Regina Wattts.

Song is acallled "Wha". It's fabulous and sensational. There was a description of Fyodor Pavlovich by his son Dmitri that goes: depraved sensualist and despicable comedian. I like that. I am doing this for myself, to know myself better, to practice expressing myself.

In my life, some things get harder and some get easier, then the easier things get harder again and vice versa...... Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

I am listening very hard. Use the Adverb. Say Hey Sexy! I am a love for you. Find me in your love herd. I am listener in you heady love brew.

May I be confuseed, I may hear myself tell myself that I do not want to understand because it is too difficult to make choices and deal with the mediocre or horrible or pleasant consequences.

I am listening to myself. And Ghostland Obsevatory. I wish I could silence myself better sometimes. There is nothing harder than trying to please someone who knows not how to please his or herself. Everything is wonderful. I believe in People and I believe in Beauty and Hope.

I could set myself on fire but that would hurt and solve nothing. When you can look into someone else's brain. I am going to go everywhere. I want to make it happen so badly. I am trying to keep my tears in my eyes. I am going to figure it out.

Ranisha is my girlfriend. It is a very good thing that has happened to me. I am happy to make her happy. It is a fulfilling thing. Life being very heavy. I want to be a great writer. I want to help people make themselves like themselves.

Get Out Here

Hi, Internet.
I am at home again alone. I am listening to The Books, The Way Out. I am enjoying! I am joyful.
Also I wanted to write because I wanted to send Julie a text asking her how everything was going, but the I thought of how she was in school and I also thought of Ranisha and the same for her, BUT the agitation arose when I thought of sending them the same message at the same time, then comparing my feelings for them. I've thought that I love Julie very much and also find her very attractive, and I like Ranisha a lot and like spending time with her, but I don't think I could be half as attracted to her. And then that makes me feel sorry for her, a little guilty just for feeling less love toward her, because a large part of it is their appearences, and I would rather not be superficial. It may be that Julie's personality is even more attractive to me because of how she looks. It is too bad to think that I wouldn't love her as much if I found her less attractive. I guess it is. Their manners of speaking are also parts of their appearences to me. From what they say and from their facebook profiles, I get a sense of their personalities. I shape them based on my experiences. It's just that I would rather lay next to Julie than Ranisha at this point.
Sometimes I am attracted to Aaron. and I think of touching him. I've even imagined him naked. Sometimes I have homosexual fantasies.
I am eating almonds, raw. Rawlmonds. SOmetimes their skin tastes bitter, but their meat is sweet.
Oh well, Way Out is over.
I made some poetry and pictures.
It is 1:10 PM Middle of May Two Thousand Eleven AD
When I was watching Thor in the theater, I thought it was 2010 and was a bit surprised to remember it is 2011.
It's so late, in the years. I am 21 years old, halfway through my 22nd year... on Earth. Yep, I live on Earth. Sometimes I think it is not much use to think of Earth as a planet in the universe. It is useful to think of earth as a place to grow. Grow vegetables, plants, which animals eat and get eaten by bigger animals then people eat some of those animals along with some plants, and some die and get eaten by smaller animals and by the earth so that it can grow more things.
And people's minds grow figuratively. They gain knowledge and make smart decisions ideally.
People are different than animals. I might think so. I think Aaron would say Yes for sure.
Books are still good and still going.
It's never done, never finished, nerver over. !Hah
It's actually only 1:11 now; I am looking at different clocks.

OPaY! I am done for now, Goglo, Be you later.