Masturbation Journal 14 [y.o.]

                           I waited almost 13 days then I whacked off 3 times in 12 hours. I think the contemplative sound of Cat Power's Sea of Love made me want to write this. Aaaron, and Hemingwaay, aand being comfortable made me want, and still make me, to write [type] standing up. I stood up to work most of last night. I think the work itself, or maybe it's just me, makes me tense up neck and shoulders.My legs get slightly weary but it feels better than having sore butt, back, neck from sitting too much, alot may be sycological of me thinking that standing is better for me, like the way some vegetables taste better to me because i think they are healthy. I was going to make salad last night, but I pussyfucked out. I get to live in bastrop for half of next week while mom is a library conference in fort worth. I'm listening to my bloody valentine, so gazey, ambient,  subconcious. I had a really crappy dream of being at home with domino and brothers and domino acted sick and crawled into a big fire in the fire place and layed down on a log, he didnt react to the fire at all and just acted sleepy, I thought he needed to die and he knew it, but the fire burned him but didnt kill him, he was out later i think we took him out because he didnt die, tim held him and he was very small and had charred fur and was sort of orange, maybe it was buddy.
                         I read about Boston, because dodger had mentioned something happened in boston. A bunch of people blew up. I want to say something evil about it because I shouldnt. I am slightly concerned about aaron. I know he sympathizes with the victims and the loved ones, because he is better and smarter than me. If those runners werent such gay retards maybe theyd still be unblown up. I make myself want to laugh shortly and cry forever. Then I laugh again. I listen to Weezer in the garage. My rapper name is G-RiffRaff. It's beautiful. Oh all the sudden I notice I'm sitting on a stool and I didnt notice me sitting down and that it goes against wanting to stand, but backless stool is better than backed chair or couch.I need to do stretches. After this temp job is over I never want to do office work again.I want to play DnD again with more sets and players.I made coffee with french vanilla creamer instead of milk because we out of milk, it's espresso. The Gruffalo's Child was very comforting, even when I had to pee real bad. I cannot masturbate again until May. "Rejoicing in the Hands" {{{{{{::::::: How to Be Happy!>>?<@!<>!@<!<#!@><#

Call them all at the end. She was at her locker I got off work I looked at her tried to smile, she drank gatorade i think it was green

As long as this takes, without fear.

I took the plastic and cardboard to the recycling bin. I wanted to go outside and just to do something. The bin is full, so I turned around and thought I'll check tomorrow. I heard someone through and apartment window. Sounded like a young girl. I thought that I notice a lot. I thought of the people near my apartment who might have seen me walk to the bin and might see me walk back to the apartment. I imagined them thinking I was an idiot for thinking that recycling matters and for wanting to recycle egg cartons. Those people I imagined made me sad and embarrassed. I thought, all I can do is not kill myself. That also made me sad, and I began to wonder why I thought that. My pulse rate rose. It also rose earlier, when I read an Onion review of Game of Thrones, which was thoroughly pornographic. I thought of talking to Stacy about my suicidal thoughts. Then I thought of telling her it is hard to handle myself during extended free time, especially alone. Then I thought of actually handling myself, as in masturbation, and telling Stacy that last Wednesday I decided to quit porn and actually mean it and make that promise to myself last. I haven't masturbated since Monday, late at night, almost one week. I have touched myself a little in a sensual way, but not for more than a minute and not with any goal. It's all about improving myself.
It's already so late in the day.
I started my food log again. I eat horribly. I am hoping that going to Craig's will help me change my diet. I have to call him though, but I am afraid again. I act like I want to do nothing. I think I want to do a lot, but I never actually want to do anything. What is it? What is that? I am grateful for Blogger.com. I would have too many files on my laptop otherwise.
I am afraid of myself. I am the most dangerous thing for myself. I am afraid of pain, physical pain. I am afraid of believing I am in hell, either from a mental issue or from actual hell on earth. Somehow people don't die and they're always on fire, everything hurts all the time... I am scaring myself. As I was breaking boxes I thought, If we don't try to make things better all the time, then hell on earth is a constant threat. I thought of the Rapture and crazy Christians, maybe they have mental disorders that make them fear apocalypse, or think that they know the only way to avoid it. I really love Aaron. I really want to know what he knows. I want to try to understand the ideas of God and purpose and eternal love. I love to pet a cat.
Listening to Bright Eyes. Everything is intense. Pat is still sleeping from his after class nap.

I wonder. About so much. A song to pass the time, very beautiful... I feel it. I am weak from emotions.

Dodger Leigh... so beautiful. I want to kiss with her. Close to tears. We have to take the trash out today. I am tiny, fragile... I am beautiful.

Cry... Save it. Save everything. It's precious. It's willful. What is it to do? Jaw tightens up. Nose trickles.

What can I do at this moment. Why am I so overwhelmed so quickly, so incapacitated. Pat and I watched Holy Motors last night. I fell asleep in the last 15 minutes. I watched the last scene today. It is an odd film. I liked it mostly.

I am afraid of Patrick finding me type this and of him reading it and judging me and disapproving. I am nervous about working in a week. It will be easy and fine. Mom will feel less pressure, and that is the best.
I must be perfect. Grammar and everything.

OK I guess I am out of things to say. See ya.