Neech

Happy for a reason, so as to prevent everything.

Peace, Benevelonce, Propriety. I dunno vat dat meens. hun dum groom, va va va vavoooooooooooooom!

reehhhhhhhhhhh mmmrmrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr,, sound car. Be leaf. Pee Vee Bye

{: stay

Yesterday I played GTA V. I didn't watch any more Khan Academy videos. I watched ASAP science and minute physics and minute earth. Hearing about magnets at the atomic level made me want to go back to finish the chemistry videos at Khan. I don't know if I can retain any information I see or hear. I want to understand all the basic ideas and findings that lead up to high school science, which I heard from Aaron should be pre-school science. I think there is a level of learning after how things were discovered that is easier to understand for people with common knowledge. Later they can work backwards to the point where they can discover new things and forward to advancing known ideas.

In the shower last night, I remembered that people dream for an average of 3 years a life. If most people live for 75 years, then they dream %4 of their lives. If I have 50 years left to live, and I sleep at least 16 more years, then I have 34 years left to do things... I just lost 4 years of life. I thought 12 x 3 was 48. What can I do then? I have slept for about 8 years. I have only really been myself for 12 years, which is 8 waking years. So, I've lived one fifth of the time I can do stuff in. It has not gone that well. I've played a lot of games. Probably enough to fill a year. All the stuff of habit, of hygiene, and of necessity have probably taken up over a year. Probably spent at least half a year in my car. Maybe a year for school. Maybe half a year for work. All that comes to maybe 4 years. TV and movies fill a lot of time. Wasting time online should be included in that. Reading and writing, not for school, probably count for less than two months, but it could be much less. The fact that I have almost no idea how much time I may have spent reading or writing says that I don't care about them enough.

Aaron and I walking through the park in the rain brought up me not caring about doing something useful with my life, something to help other people. I think it is the pressure of needing to change the world that cripples me and makes me hide. It's that there seems to be infinite options and I go back and forth until I get confused and exhausted and I give up to do something easy and comforting. Doing good and amazing things, even if they seem simple to other people, fills me with emotion, like right now, and I feel waves of blood and hormones and my eyes water and I am afraid of people seeing me cry because I cannot explain it and I can't think straight, all I can think is, how wonderful, how sad, how hopeful, how beautiful, how mysterious. I am so much nothing. I can feel everything and I feel like I'm going to burst. So most of the time I just hide. I have learned how to do it very well by default. It's a strong habit. Breaking it will be painful and frightening. I am already tired of trying and caring and I'm ready to give up and hide in a game or in the lives of youtubers.

I never know where to start. I need so much help. Beach House. Where is God? Grains of sand. Deep space covered by sunshine, sunshine covered by grey, wet clouds. Pale, red, round face covered with tears. White, soft body covered by dark warm clothes. Mostly clean fingernails stare back at ocean eyes on the cold beach just after dawn. Sorts of things Beach House make me think of. Lost in Time. They make me think of a vague, somber 1980s. People who don't know what to make of their lives or themselves. People with perfect style who are empty. People who feel the dead lives of children in Polaroids on the skin of their hands. Always hungry, they eat peas slowly by candlelight late at night. Like ASMR videos. Walking for days, only meeting a few people, feeling nice, then standing in a massive crowd feeling totally alone and afraid.

Flying in dreams. I have to wait for Dave or Julio to replace the light in the foyer. Posture is my nemesis. Boxers biting teeth. Blackalicious Reanimation. I have to youtube. I am lost. Then I feel close and happy.

I don't know how to end. Byebye.

Neil's Boredom

Dream's are like life but less interesting. I woke up with the tune to a punk pop song in my head.

It's a nice day. I'm at home alone. At my real home, my first home. It's the middle of the day. There is really only one day. I am deeply unsettled. I guess it's because of Daisy. I guess I am wanted to walk her, or get her to exercise somehow. She has a gimpy leg. She went outside for a bit. She just kept lying down on the floor inside. Screens are so unsatisfying. I need more humans to live with. I'm listening to Broken Social Scene. I watched Waking Life, most of it, at A's. I watched Coffeh Time. I watched Suicide Girls podcast, and I got erect at a video called girls kissing. Now I'm listening to Jason Schwartzman, Coconut Records. My back feels messed up. I have about 7 hours until Mom gets here. I guess I should read or write or something necessary or perfect or something and something or other. I misspelled two words: "coffeh" and "Schwartzman".

There must be a lot of thoughts in between these thoughts. Paris 2004. I'm simultaneously trying and trying not to think about all the people in horrible pain right now. Ignoring dogs is a fatal activity. I feel like all my problems will be solved by watching Youtube videos. Mom said she wonders why wolves don't bark and dogs do. I wondered too. Just IN: Wolves bark, but it's rare. Domestication may have led dogs to bark.

I do not know what my thoughts would be if I did not know A. Driving home, listening to Building Nothing out of Something, I felt heavy wastefulness and disappointment. It is aggravating. I do not know what to do. I do not know who I am. I do not know why we are alive. There has to be a good reason. Maybe not, but we should just live well anyway. Mom made dumb blondies last night. They are so dense and chewy. I don't know what's going to happen. I ate some, listening to Kimya Dawson, then I brushed my teeth. That makes twice today. Wisdom tooth surgery has made me brush a lot more.Yesterday, when Pat was at school, I masturbated in the bathroom to a Suicide Girls video called wet. It wasn't great, because I was afraid he would walk in. I'm trying not to masturbate today. It's just about comforting myself and hiding from my problems, making things worse. I feel really good about this. I told myself I had to get out of the M's house. I cannot see outside and everything is so close. It's scary. And TV and dog and darkness. I'm going to check out that sort of poem on this blog about Bastrop and Ashley. Maybe I'll call it Ashtrop.

I want to live forever.

Why do certain things/situations make my brain tell my eyes to water like crazy (cry). I want to know. Physical emotions, Nadal collapsing and crying and smiling after winning the US open. Dinner with Meemaw was weird. She is 86 and really quiet and distant. David and Tim are weird and very different from each other. ITERATIONS - METAPHOREST.

Something, I want to be. I need. I am myself. I am changing. I can barely see the light outside of my own head holes. What is inside? Where does it end? What began all this? I'm sure I'll find something to keep happy. Bye bye for now, papa.

How Do I

Always come up with a title first. 1ST FIRST! That's not You tube dot com. This is Ellie Goulding. My name is Bret, name IS BRET.

What should I name you? You can choose. Then I name you that name. You choose.

One of the best and hardest psychologist appointments I have ever had ended less than 40 minutes ago.

I feel an intense, almost crippling, love for humanity and life. I thought, "Take care of myself," and set myself off with happy tears and thought it should be illegal to drive and cry. Driving while very emotional or sleepy is just as bad as driving drunk. I thought of sleepiness as an emotion and sleep as its expression, and in order to resolve any emotion one must express it, hopefully safely. Unexpressed emotions must have a slower, internal, more damaging resolution. An obvious example is anger leading to stress leading to heart disease/cancer. O, God, I'm hungry. Food just seems too simple. People go thru a lot of trouble to make food unhealthy with the excuse of making it tasty. That cannot be excused. We love it though. Tho.

I recently hypothesized that our generation is satirizing the insane culture it grew up in and having a great time, making our culture even more insane.

Hypothesized sounds so pretentious (so does satirizing, but some people are doing something like that). I was just wondering about what may be true. Kate Nash is frustrating or heart-breaking human interaction set to music.

Infinite Forgiveness. What do I conclude? I have had a religious conscience for almost ten years and I have seldom acknowledged it. So I intrinsically believe in something like God, and so basically everything is out of our control and under divine control and nothing matters. I am quite thotless on this subject, so my thots are silly.

My Super Silly Sub-Universe. This is whatever it is. Am I the one to provide an answer. Any answer?

Anyone?

Prettiness. Aloha means hello and goodbye, so I'll just say goodbye. I am so done, so fun... laaaaaaa

Listen to Why? again... This, I do. Some say. For sure

Purple Nips of Castro

Should i type this even though it's eleven pm, and I don't want to? I'm listening to Kevin Divine, because I saw him on the Chris Gethard Show. I have spent more than an entire 24 hours watching that show in the past four days. I'm on episode 33 of the hour-long episodes. I was looking at myself in the mirror. I have almost made a joke out of my self reflection. I think I am missing something so obvious that it may kill me. My teeth and my muscles are being destroyed by the food I eat and the nothing I do. I dimmed this screen but it looked too depressing. Pat and I watched Portlandia. Life passing me by just feels perfect as a grey highway streaming thru my mind's eye. This is good music. I have to take care of Daisy soon. There are lots of things I could and should be doing. Mom told me to apply at Whole Earth and as a volunteer at the library. We went to see The Purple Rose of Cairo at the Paramount tonight. I thought about Mom not being a good person, except she is, but she has a lot of problems, which I just sort of realised recently. She should not feel responsible for me now. I feel that I have too much information dancing in my head to decide what I should be doing any given moment. My body is very weird. I think The Chris Gethard Show has become a part of my soul. This is good for me to do. I keep imagining weird situations at Julie's birthday party, but I want to go as a challenge. I really cannot see myself like other people see me. I'll ask Ashley if she wants to carpool. Mom will probably have dinner with Madeline and David and his girlfriend/womanfriend Lisa. I imagine eating barbecue and David and I questioning my life choices. I hope Charlie Kaufman puts out a film soon. Mom and I walked on Town Lake on the day I started watching bunches of TCGS, and I looked at people with lots of love. Really happy. I'm happy and sad, and I can't tell the difference. I don't care about anything or myself.

I am still afraid that I am still the same as I have always been, and that I cannot change myself. It's ASMR time. It will be all right. Good ngiht every one, bi bi.