to better understand meroltsl

I have been awake for about 14 hours. My alarm went off. I went back to sleep. I got dressed. I made a an everything bagel and put beans and cheese on it and microwaved them. I watched the TV as Tim played Black Ops. I thought of what Craig might think of Tim. Is it a waste of life? Is it a horrible life? He seems happy enough. I cannot understand his wanting to play Black Ops so much. This darn fan is so loud. I'm going to watch waterwhispers Ilse. I hugged Ashley last night. Pat took us to eat sushi at Umi. I usually miss her as soon as I leave her, then I think that I am in love with her. In the car I saw a girl, and I thought I would probably fall in love with half of all girls if I spent any time with them.I have a date now. I am going to sleep. I'll wake up later. I'll be gone now, now, now. slee

What have I been doing?

I can't think of a more important question to ask myself, because that is it.

I stayed at Mom's last night. We ate fried frozen shrimp. Frozen broccoli in cheese sauce. Frozen garlic bread. We watched the Words. This line sticks out: "I'm not who I thought I was, and I'm terrified I never will be." Also: Fiction or Life, which is it going to be?

Mom went to work in the morning. I watched porn and masturbated. It seems like I was a different person this morning. I ate Frosted mini wheats and had coffee and creamer. I got nervous about going to the farm. (It's really a place with a few small gardens.) I showered for a while. I defrosted bread in the microwave. I ate it with chunky peanut butter and half a banana. I thought about how I would enjoy not going anywhere and hate myself if I didn't. I thought about how I could leave at anytime and I didn't have to work as hard as I could. Somehow, I convinced myself to go, even though I waited a little too late.

I confused north and south and took a while to get there. All the trees were burned or cut or broken. The houses were interesting. They were wooden boxes on top of roundish cob, earthen walls. They remind me of tree houses. I stopped at the gate and got out. Craig walked up to meet me. I asked if he was Craig. We shook hands. He was older and more friendly looking than I had expected.We walked toward the houses. He stopped halfway and talked about the burned trees and the house that had burned. He showed me the whole place. I met Katja, his German live-in friend. She's a music student and teacher. She's very pretty. I was happy to learn about all the fruit and vegetables growing. The bathroom is its own building. It's very nice. Peeing is done outside he said. I peed out there twice, just a little worried about being seen.

We went to work on the house. Plumbing and lighting. I dug out a pipe and cut it. I helped Craig with a light switch. I ate an apple and a tangerine. I stuffed steel wool into roof holes. Katja made us lunch. It was amaranth, lettuce, carrots, avocado, yeast powder, olive oil, apple vinegar. I asked Katja about Germany and told her of my trip. She talked about Germany. Five hours had passed. The day was practically done. I got up to leave. I said bye to Katja. I couldn't bring myself to say Nice to meet you to Katja, it sounds so fake, even though it especially was nice to meet her. Craig walked me to my car. We talked a little. I said Nice to meet you and I'm glad I came. I said I'd come next week. The End. I listened to music and drove back to the house. Mom was not there and Peabody was out. I called Mom and told her a little about my day. I got my junk and left. Sort of a sad drive to Austin. Pat's at class. I listened to Little Fluffy Clouds. I got on Facebook and watch a video from infowars about food that's bad for you. I looked up Craig's website, Rawfoodsbible.com. I got super anxious and paranoid about food and health. I thought about Mom getting cancer and worse diabetes. I asked what she was eating for dinner. She said on ACC night, sometimes she gets a burger. That was the worst. I didn't even care about myself anymore. I asked if she wanted to go to a farmer's market on Saturday. I tried to think of what Pat and I can eat tonight. I thought of the food in Target. Vegetables seem like alien food. I stopped trying and stopped caring. I made lemon tea.

I want Pat to be here. I'm listening to Emily Jane White. I feel like my old self again. It's not great. I feel like laziness and eating everything. I am going to Mom's Saturday morning, and we'll buy healthy vegetables. Oscars are Sunday. We've settled on barbeque I think. Burnt meat seems like cancer. So our lives are eating whatever and getting sick and paying high medical bills and getting sad then dying, with a lot of fun and games and searching for meaning in the middle.
So I am going to Craig's place on Monday. I have to call him Sunday. What's it like in his head? What's his life like? I saw him on youtube. I realized it's dangerous for me to form an alternate idea of him. A one sided relationship in which I watch him and judge him.

Okay. I'm done. Bye.

I accidentally ended on a negative. Craig and going to meet him has made me feel very positive about my future and the planet's future.
I love life. I love myself and everyone. Good good bye.