Put a grave in heiro. I am gravely looking forward to it. I remove myself from everything. Empty child holds me. I gladly speak for it intestinally, a cat on my lap. Mr. CoffeeLips, Yes. I cannot remove myself from myself. Somethings remove me from myself. Disc Golf and dreams while asleep. Sigur Ros in the video screen. Aisles at Target. Speakers on medium. I hunger for a while.

everyday in me

I am going to type everything I have wanted to say in the past two days right now.

I don't like my life. I think I am wasting it. I don't want a service job. I don't want to go to school. I want to sell my semen. I clicked on the link in my e-mail, but I could not get to the questionnaire.

I listened to some tune-yards yesterday. She made me happy. Patrick turned on the TV and looked at the Disney movies and I checked the chronology and we watched The Rescuers. Tim came home in the middle and watched the rest with us. It gave me mild enjoyment. Earlier, on Monday, I watched a documentary called Thirst, which I liked, then I watched a documentary, for which we had seen a trailer quite a while ago, called Nature of Existence. It was all right, far-reaching, and directionless.

On Sunday morning, I watched a documentary called Which Way Home, about children trying to come into the U.S. through Mexico. I was enjoying it, then I searched for porn on my laptop and paused the movie, went to my room and masturbated. I took a shower and went back to the movie.
I was pretty good. I liked the darkness and realism. There was Nick Cave's Song for Jesse throughout it. After that I watched a movie called Lbs. It was interesting and different than I thought it would be, then Kit and Tim came in and we watched some together, then Kit left. Tim had a new phone that he was focused on. I liked the movie; it was sort of inspirational; the guy lost a lot of weight. It felt pretty true to life.

I read some of A Poetry Handbook and the contemporary poetry anthology. I wish I were a lot less horny. I wish so much did not make me feel like crying. I wish I were a lot less afraid of people.
Somehow, it seems I could be okay with dying. I don't think I put much value on human life. Death and violence upset me very much, but I don't think anyone should be alive. I don't want anyone to die, but a dead body is just as useful as a living one.

I don't like pain; I don't like sadness. How much joy can one person take? God is beyond the infinite. Infinity is limited because it cannot be expressed in finite terms. I learned that from a Jew.

Something is killing me. I saw two pretty fat people at Target. I broke plans with Ashley. I blew off the party at Julie's.

I am not healthy in many ways. I do want to live well while I am alive.
Aaron just wants to be perfect, so that he can be closer to God.

What's the moral? What's the lesson? What's the imperative? Can we speak with trees or sun?

I should be clean and calm and collected. I should be sustainable. We have played quite a bit of Duel of the Planeswalkers on the PS3 lately. Tomorrow is America's birthday. 236 I believe, if my math is correct.
"He ate a bunch of hoagies, now he's thin... Well that's bullshit."

I do not know what to do. Reading is a chore. I don't know how to make it mean something.

Words are pretty, they look pretty, they sound pretty, not as pretty as a pretty woman. I need to see Ashley today. I want to tell her many things, I want to hug her very tight. I want to smell her.

I have to keep reading good poets, whoever they are, maybe soon I'll be able to tell. I have to start writing good poems and affecting people with my poetry, and affecting the universe. I have to think more practically. I cannot conceive of the universe much less affecting it. I cannot even conceive my own reality. I can't conceive a baby. I want someone to use my sperm to make a baby, then eighteen years later, my child comes to find me, and we meet and it's awkward and we don't get along well or want to see each other again. How blissful.

I can't imagine getting older, even though I have and am. We are going to see Safety Not Guaranteed. It should make us cry and be happy to be alive. That is all. We shall go see the fireworks by the river. How quaint a day, how preposterous.

I am dizzy. I am forced. How to care about things . . . Am a creator. I do not need anyone else. I must have some human contact. I must not admit defeat. everyday every day ev ery d ay