What I Ate

5 bites of sweet potato
banana
wrangler breakfast taco: brisket, potato, eggs, cheese
2 cupcakes
cup of coffee
pb sandwich
banana
16 coconut wafers
tilapia filet
salad, parmesan dressing
mint camomile tea
tortilla chips
refried black beans

Still Young?, Slow balls...

an Still Young?, Slow balls...Still Young?, Slow balls...

an ocean aboard a microbe planet - bj

I would be pretty sad if this were deleted {: allright, this was added after I saved it... bye {: ha
This is for the blog. For the world. For all the love inside me to gush out and drown the earth in happiness and hope.
Mixed up message. I just want you to know. No YOUR space. KNOW you'RE space. I thot of that. I am a clever bean. What if a bean can think and reason and reflect. I would hope that it likes me. It must be concerned about being eaten. What percentage of wild beans are eaten? When a wild bean dies on the stalk or falls off and turns into soil, it thinks about its life and thinks, "It's been good. I have felt the sun and the rain and the wind. The winters were cold. Summers hot. I saw friends and family come and go. I leave a legacy. No matter what... the arctic seed storage facility will ensure that my wonderful kind will see the future, live amazing lives, feed the hungry, fertilize the soil, die happy just like me riiiigghhhhhhttttt... NOW!" Bleehhhhhggggkkk. The noise of a dying wild bean.

That seems good enough. I am alone all day. No car. I went outside at 6 am. Fun. It's around the freezing temperature outside. I have been masturbating like a monkey. I am unsure of how to set goals or plan to achieve them. I guess school is a good structure to give method for self-improvement. I did trash and mail. I made food. Cleaned a little. I watched general orders number nine on netflix. NO capital letters is more difficult to read. It's just incorrect. I am a bit paranoid that Pat may come in with or without Bridgett. Michael Cera was funny. I wonder if that article was true. On Spotify, the past two random songs on my favorite list were/are Dream On - Chemical Brothers and Thirty Incoming - The Books. I like the latter more right now. I like Books more than Chemicals. I do not understand chemicals. I do not understand most books. They can be expertly comforting or rigorously challenging. I remember the photos I saw on the Books' website. They built their own beautiful house at a beautiful snowy place. How much, how does it do...

Earlier Pixies came on, then Patton Oswalt, then Pixies, then I joked to myself that it will just be Patton and Pixies, then Patton did come on again, and I think I only have two Patton tracks out of 3000 or something. Coincidences... I don't think they are. This is just the way it seems to me. It seems it cannot be any other way. Things happen perfectly because they have to. I cannot quite explain it. It is somewhat like I <3 a="" ago.="" all="" am="" and="" at="" backdoor.="" balcony="" bathroom="" because="" bedroom="" better="" bit="" blogger.com="" body="" box.="" can="" clicked="" closet="" clothes.="" contentment.="" coolest="" cursor="" days="" dining="" doing="" door.="" door="" doors.="" english="" express="" facing="" farted.="" fast="" feel="" feeling="" for="" front="" funny.="" funny="" glad="" ha="" had="" hah="" haha="" happened="" have="" held="" high="" hope="" hopeful...="" huckabees.="" i="" in="" interesting="" into="" is="" it.="" it="" knope.="" know="" kristen="" laptop="" leslie="" letting="" like="" lot.="" makes="" maybe="" me="" met.="" mood="" more="" movie="" my="" nbsp="" nesbitt="" no="" nostalgic="" not="" of="" on="" out.="" out="" p="" person.="" person="" post="" pretty="" restless="" sara="" say="" saying="" school="" she="" smells.="" some="" sort="" started="" still="" swings="" t="" table="" take="" tegan="" text="" than="" thang="" that="" the="" them="" there="" things="" this.="" this="" thought="" thoughts.="" tired="" to="" type="" typed="" unless="" useful.="" was="" washed="" well.="" when="" who="" wordpad="" writing="">
I have to poop, Damnit! Hanna theme is better than Surrender!! I dare to Dream, Beeeee HOTTTTTCCCCCCHHHHHEESSSSSSSSS!!!! YES! SuckSESSSSSSS! {: Damn.

Still not done, grizzly bear. My beard hurt a little. I guess the hairs are so stiff that when I touch them they poke my skin... Jeff was very stern and disappointed that I drove my car hot and blew the head gasket. Yes, I should take care of my car. I know almost nothing. I felt they were judging for making my mom take care of my problems. I dunno. I want to try to be homeless... even without a car! McCool's. Silliness. Nuttiness. Poopiness. Aaron said about the past, "I didn't like my house...", I said it sounded like he didn't like the building, making an observation about language use. I think it's a synecdoche. "My house" means "living in my house". He looked so irrated and confused that I was making us talk about it. I got so embarrassed. My stomach grabbed my heart, so I said anyway. I wanted to talk about these feelings, but either I was still embarrassed that night or I didn't care enough. I ate a Christmas Tree cake early this morning, I think. I opened a new box and they are gone now. I guess Pat was here for a bit and took the rest. Hm, weird. Apprentice Eh at the end of the Australia trip videos made me so happy. They feel like real friends. Funny. I was going to text Julie, but I texted Ashley again instead.

This really does not go anywhere. Hmm... I am worn out. Work for three days, off for two days, a birthday... 24 years. Some people just never die... {: I want to watch more Cat Lady... Some hungry bundles of sacks... Gotta say goodbye... haha! Erasure - Always! So great! Vulcan video, expressive life, Viciousness!!!! {: hehe supreme... Buenas Dias...

Food Blog # 9

November 5, 2013

3 handfuls of Golden Grahams

Plateful of organic mixed greens, balsamic vinegar, sea salt, black pepper

Small organic steak


Three Double Dave's cheese rolls, marinara

Food Blog # 8

Friday, Oct. 25
7:00 am
Nature Valley Caramel Cashew Protein Granola Bar

Banana

1:00 pm
Three slices Papa Murphy's pepperoni pizza
Two fat free fig newtons
Five scoops of light Creamy Creations, dark chocolate sauce, caramel sauce

10 oz. Sonic Blackberry Tea
Few Reese's Pieces

8 pm
Organic Salad, Balsamic Parmesan dressing

Can of Bush's Maple Bacon Baked Beans

Food blog # 7

Sunday October 20

Casa De Luz -
Hibiscus tea, bean soup, salad
Tortilla, beans, vegetables, rice

Coffee, milk, sugar, vanilla extract

Baker street fried fish, zucchini fries

Food Blog #6

Friday, Oct. 18

Organic Ambrosia apple (last one)

Three organic eggs fried in margarine, garlic salt, pepper

I.D. Vanilla Iced Coffee

Ben and Jerry's Heath Bar ice cream, almost half a pint

Wholly Cow cheeseburger

Some Diet Peach Snapple

Spicy Breaded Chicken Breast Filet, black beans, cherry coke

Hot Chocolate

Food Blog # 5

Thursday, Oct. 17

Two organic eggs fried in olive oil, garlic salt, pepper

Organic ambrosia apple

Two Double Dave's cheese rolls

2 cups International Delight Vanilla Iced Coffee

P. Terry's cheeseburger with onions

Orange juice, coconut rum, creme de banana

Food Blog #4

Wednesday, Oct. 16
7:00 a.m.

Two organic scrambled eggs, olive oil, garlic salt, pepper
Organic ambrosia apple

Triscuits (~20) and extra garlicky salsa

Coffee, milk, sugar, banana flavored syrup

Organic mixed greens and sweet potato, coconot oil, salt (I tripped on a stair and dropped some of it and broke the plate.)

Food Blog #1 (It is so funny to me that I forgot to post this) Worst Possible Start to a blog

Sunday, Oct. 13
9:30 a.m.
Raisin Nut Bran with 2% Milk

Organic Egg fried in Canola Oil with sea salt and black pepper

2:20 p.m.
Flour Tortilla, Market Pantry Refried beans, Jalepeno slices, provolone cheese.

Starbucks coffee, milk, vanilla coffee mate

New Is Good

I went back to sleep, because I wanted to remember a dream. I think I was dreaming, but the banging of the trash being picked up woke me up. Before I fell asleep I had the feeling that my legs were arms. I was all tingly in a frustrating way. I slept for maybe an hour, but it went so fast. I am listening to Humans. I can't think of a better band name, but I can think of better music. Sitting in this chair will mess me up. How can I be so comfortable, when this position will later make me so uncomfortable. The same way eating tons of M&Ms can feel so good, then later it hurts. I stopped watching porn, and I am even more passionate this time about never doing it again. I am going to tell Stacy about it Friday. I hope that I can break the habit and lose the impulse to watch in few weeks, based on what I heard from Woody on PKA, that it takes three weeks for something to become a habit. I hope that it works the other way, but it may be harder to break a habit that to form one. I hope that I can eliminate my perverse sexual thoughts and fantasies. It's only been four days since I watched porn. I really do not want to disappointment myself. I think maybe I should call Sprouts to see about my background check. I don't really know. I have no instructions. I don't remember everything Warren said in the voicemail. I could just listen to it again. I think I should wait to hear about drug testing. It is weird for a company to check for chemicals in urine. They should just ask employees if recreational drug use will interfere with their job. That's just me though. I feel like I am sane sometimes.

Sometimes I don't. Pat and Tim were here at Jan's with me last night. They stayed until midnite. We tried to play bezzerwizzer while watching TV. Tim fell asleep. This is Ed's house too. I am really afraid in general and about this job. I want to listen to Expectations by Belle and Sebastian. I settled on the Helio Sequnce instead. New music is so.. hopeful. Or finding music that I like is. I am really grateful for Spotify.

What will life be like on Friday? I have to call the dentist to get cavities filled. It's so boring and dead. I realized all this crime and desolation is because people are so bored. We need things to do to make ourselves better. Not that we always think we are not good enough. We should see amazing potential in ourselves. Everyone should see it in everyone and everything. Then act on it to bring it out and reach it. I don't know what our potential is, but we should believe in it and do what we can, do what we know is right.

I feel arrogant to think I have amazing potential, but I have been down on myself for a long time and it's difficult to see there is another way to relate to reality. I call myself defeatist and fatalist, and that makes it worse. I try to be open and honest. The gap between my conscience and my physicality still seems so wide. What can I do to close it? I think talking to people would help. Actually talking, actually being with someone and connecting. Why is that so frightening? I have cocooned myself so well. This blog is a way to connect, but I don't tell anyone about, because I would be terribly embarrassed to talk about it, or the things in it, in real life. In person I mean. I have thought that it would be nice to get a comment on my blog. To connect with someone. I have assimilated internet into my reality. I was interrupted by a phone call from Sprouts giving me job. I have to not be so stupid. That's negative.

Mom called, saying she's excited (I texted her about the job) and proud. I said thanks. I said I am a little bit excited and nervous. She said it's normal to feel a combination of excitement and anxiety. They are pretty much the same I think. Maybe excitement is anxiety that feels good, and anxiety is excitement that feels bad. Anyway, neither is boredom and that's good.

Bye, bye, love, Greg.

Food Blog #3

Tuesday, Oct. 15
7:30 a.m.

Two organic eggs, fried in olive oil, garlic salt, pepper
Organic Ambrosia apple (amazing, but expensive)

Coffee, milk, butterscotch schnapps, sugar

Organic mixed greens, olive oil, garlic salt, pepper

Organic sweet potato, coconut oil, salt

Two Double Dave's cheese rolls, marinara

Ten Oreos, milk

Food Blog #2 (I Forgot)

Sunday, after 6 p.m.

Organic baby greens mix, two handfuls maybe, olive oil, salt and pepper
One large organic sweet potato, coconut oil and salt

Orange juice and coconut rum


Monday

Two organic eggs, fried in no oil, garlic salt and pepper (pretty gross)
Slice of wheat bread
Organic Ambrosia apple

Baby greens mix, olive oil, garlic salt, pepper

Organic sweet potato, coconut oil, salt

Orange juice, coconut rum, banana liquor

Same Day I got to shit... :{}> Yyyyeeeeeee

I'm disappointed that my dreams seem to have become mundane to me. I may have lumped them all into the category of indescribable, and now I have been barely able to remember solid details or any flow of thought or story in them. I miss dreams. Porn's so stupid and worthless and degrading. I have tried to intervene with myself to stop watching it. It's a strong habit. I had really disgusting fantasies about Julie. I imagined telling Stacy about my sex fantasy of Stacy and adding details while telling her and getting off on it. I almost rear-ended someone on I-35 in downtown traffic while fantasizing about Julie. Typical. I had just left my interview at Sprouts. I think I shall be starting that job soon. I am worried about what will be expected of me and how I shall preform. That seems typical. Damnit. I feel horny. Mostly because I'm alone, I think. I feel like this writing is going well, though. Patrick left Friday night to Bridgett's and Saturday morning to her family in Victoria. He'll be back later today he said. Early this morning, Tim left for Kingsville to see Chelsea. He'll back Monday night. I am going to Jan's this afternoon. I must have started this about ten am. It's been raining a lot. I miss Ashley quite a bit. I really don't care about her body or intimacy anymore. I just want friendship and to know she is doing well. That sounds sappy and like I am trying to be a good, likable person. But why would I lie here. Lie as in not true. Here as in Blogger. Meta. Suck. Bluck. I got up about nine to nine thirty. I turned on the PS3 and got on youtube. I started to watch DailyGrace, but oh no ugh. So I watched/listened to Coffeh Time. It made me want to watch documentaries. I shall do that soon. I have to wash my clothes. I got semen on some underwear and blue shorts. Why do I type that and post it. It's in my head. That is the only criteria for posting here. I'm wearing an inside out black long sleeve old navy shirt. How egg-stacksly.

What isle is the world? This blog changes how I write and think. Done Does Diss Dizz Whizz, Peacczzzzee. Is this it? by da strokes. This lazy writing is depressing. I do not know how to read myself. Like how people say to read "a writer's name". And The Blow...

"isle" up there is supposed to be else, and I like that isle is a word, i like what it means.

Neech

Happy for a reason, so as to prevent everything.

Peace, Benevelonce, Propriety. I dunno vat dat meens. hun dum groom, va va va vavoooooooooooooom!

reehhhhhhhhhhh mmmrmrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr,, sound car. Be leaf. Pee Vee Bye

{: stay

Yesterday I played GTA V. I didn't watch any more Khan Academy videos. I watched ASAP science and minute physics and minute earth. Hearing about magnets at the atomic level made me want to go back to finish the chemistry videos at Khan. I don't know if I can retain any information I see or hear. I want to understand all the basic ideas and findings that lead up to high school science, which I heard from Aaron should be pre-school science. I think there is a level of learning after how things were discovered that is easier to understand for people with common knowledge. Later they can work backwards to the point where they can discover new things and forward to advancing known ideas.

In the shower last night, I remembered that people dream for an average of 3 years a life. If most people live for 75 years, then they dream %4 of their lives. If I have 50 years left to live, and I sleep at least 16 more years, then I have 34 years left to do things... I just lost 4 years of life. I thought 12 x 3 was 48. What can I do then? I have slept for about 8 years. I have only really been myself for 12 years, which is 8 waking years. So, I've lived one fifth of the time I can do stuff in. It has not gone that well. I've played a lot of games. Probably enough to fill a year. All the stuff of habit, of hygiene, and of necessity have probably taken up over a year. Probably spent at least half a year in my car. Maybe a year for school. Maybe half a year for work. All that comes to maybe 4 years. TV and movies fill a lot of time. Wasting time online should be included in that. Reading and writing, not for school, probably count for less than two months, but it could be much less. The fact that I have almost no idea how much time I may have spent reading or writing says that I don't care about them enough.

Aaron and I walking through the park in the rain brought up me not caring about doing something useful with my life, something to help other people. I think it is the pressure of needing to change the world that cripples me and makes me hide. It's that there seems to be infinite options and I go back and forth until I get confused and exhausted and I give up to do something easy and comforting. Doing good and amazing things, even if they seem simple to other people, fills me with emotion, like right now, and I feel waves of blood and hormones and my eyes water and I am afraid of people seeing me cry because I cannot explain it and I can't think straight, all I can think is, how wonderful, how sad, how hopeful, how beautiful, how mysterious. I am so much nothing. I can feel everything and I feel like I'm going to burst. So most of the time I just hide. I have learned how to do it very well by default. It's a strong habit. Breaking it will be painful and frightening. I am already tired of trying and caring and I'm ready to give up and hide in a game or in the lives of youtubers.

I never know where to start. I need so much help. Beach House. Where is God? Grains of sand. Deep space covered by sunshine, sunshine covered by grey, wet clouds. Pale, red, round face covered with tears. White, soft body covered by dark warm clothes. Mostly clean fingernails stare back at ocean eyes on the cold beach just after dawn. Sorts of things Beach House make me think of. Lost in Time. They make me think of a vague, somber 1980s. People who don't know what to make of their lives or themselves. People with perfect style who are empty. People who feel the dead lives of children in Polaroids on the skin of their hands. Always hungry, they eat peas slowly by candlelight late at night. Like ASMR videos. Walking for days, only meeting a few people, feeling nice, then standing in a massive crowd feeling totally alone and afraid.

Flying in dreams. I have to wait for Dave or Julio to replace the light in the foyer. Posture is my nemesis. Boxers biting teeth. Blackalicious Reanimation. I have to youtube. I am lost. Then I feel close and happy.

I don't know how to end. Byebye.

Neil's Boredom

Dream's are like life but less interesting. I woke up with the tune to a punk pop song in my head.

It's a nice day. I'm at home alone. At my real home, my first home. It's the middle of the day. There is really only one day. I am deeply unsettled. I guess it's because of Daisy. I guess I am wanted to walk her, or get her to exercise somehow. She has a gimpy leg. She went outside for a bit. She just kept lying down on the floor inside. Screens are so unsatisfying. I need more humans to live with. I'm listening to Broken Social Scene. I watched Waking Life, most of it, at A's. I watched Coffeh Time. I watched Suicide Girls podcast, and I got erect at a video called girls kissing. Now I'm listening to Jason Schwartzman, Coconut Records. My back feels messed up. I have about 7 hours until Mom gets here. I guess I should read or write or something necessary or perfect or something and something or other. I misspelled two words: "coffeh" and "Schwartzman".

There must be a lot of thoughts in between these thoughts. Paris 2004. I'm simultaneously trying and trying not to think about all the people in horrible pain right now. Ignoring dogs is a fatal activity. I feel like all my problems will be solved by watching Youtube videos. Mom said she wonders why wolves don't bark and dogs do. I wondered too. Just IN: Wolves bark, but it's rare. Domestication may have led dogs to bark.

I do not know what my thoughts would be if I did not know A. Driving home, listening to Building Nothing out of Something, I felt heavy wastefulness and disappointment. It is aggravating. I do not know what to do. I do not know who I am. I do not know why we are alive. There has to be a good reason. Maybe not, but we should just live well anyway. Mom made dumb blondies last night. They are so dense and chewy. I don't know what's going to happen. I ate some, listening to Kimya Dawson, then I brushed my teeth. That makes twice today. Wisdom tooth surgery has made me brush a lot more.Yesterday, when Pat was at school, I masturbated in the bathroom to a Suicide Girls video called wet. It wasn't great, because I was afraid he would walk in. I'm trying not to masturbate today. It's just about comforting myself and hiding from my problems, making things worse. I feel really good about this. I told myself I had to get out of the M's house. I cannot see outside and everything is so close. It's scary. And TV and dog and darkness. I'm going to check out that sort of poem on this blog about Bastrop and Ashley. Maybe I'll call it Ashtrop.

I want to live forever.

Why do certain things/situations make my brain tell my eyes to water like crazy (cry). I want to know. Physical emotions, Nadal collapsing and crying and smiling after winning the US open. Dinner with Meemaw was weird. She is 86 and really quiet and distant. David and Tim are weird and very different from each other. ITERATIONS - METAPHOREST.

Something, I want to be. I need. I am myself. I am changing. I can barely see the light outside of my own head holes. What is inside? Where does it end? What began all this? I'm sure I'll find something to keep happy. Bye bye for now, papa.

How Do I

Always come up with a title first. 1ST FIRST! That's not You tube dot com. This is Ellie Goulding. My name is Bret, name IS BRET.

What should I name you? You can choose. Then I name you that name. You choose.

One of the best and hardest psychologist appointments I have ever had ended less than 40 minutes ago.

I feel an intense, almost crippling, love for humanity and life. I thought, "Take care of myself," and set myself off with happy tears and thought it should be illegal to drive and cry. Driving while very emotional or sleepy is just as bad as driving drunk. I thought of sleepiness as an emotion and sleep as its expression, and in order to resolve any emotion one must express it, hopefully safely. Unexpressed emotions must have a slower, internal, more damaging resolution. An obvious example is anger leading to stress leading to heart disease/cancer. O, God, I'm hungry. Food just seems too simple. People go thru a lot of trouble to make food unhealthy with the excuse of making it tasty. That cannot be excused. We love it though. Tho.

I recently hypothesized that our generation is satirizing the insane culture it grew up in and having a great time, making our culture even more insane.

Hypothesized sounds so pretentious (so does satirizing, but some people are doing something like that). I was just wondering about what may be true. Kate Nash is frustrating or heart-breaking human interaction set to music.

Infinite Forgiveness. What do I conclude? I have had a religious conscience for almost ten years and I have seldom acknowledged it. So I intrinsically believe in something like God, and so basically everything is out of our control and under divine control and nothing matters. I am quite thotless on this subject, so my thots are silly.

My Super Silly Sub-Universe. This is whatever it is. Am I the one to provide an answer. Any answer?

Anyone?

Prettiness. Aloha means hello and goodbye, so I'll just say goodbye. I am so done, so fun... laaaaaaa

Listen to Why? again... This, I do. Some say. For sure

Purple Nips of Castro

Should i type this even though it's eleven pm, and I don't want to? I'm listening to Kevin Divine, because I saw him on the Chris Gethard Show. I have spent more than an entire 24 hours watching that show in the past four days. I'm on episode 33 of the hour-long episodes. I was looking at myself in the mirror. I have almost made a joke out of my self reflection. I think I am missing something so obvious that it may kill me. My teeth and my muscles are being destroyed by the food I eat and the nothing I do. I dimmed this screen but it looked too depressing. Pat and I watched Portlandia. Life passing me by just feels perfect as a grey highway streaming thru my mind's eye. This is good music. I have to take care of Daisy soon. There are lots of things I could and should be doing. Mom told me to apply at Whole Earth and as a volunteer at the library. We went to see The Purple Rose of Cairo at the Paramount tonight. I thought about Mom not being a good person, except she is, but she has a lot of problems, which I just sort of realised recently. She should not feel responsible for me now. I feel that I have too much information dancing in my head to decide what I should be doing any given moment. My body is very weird. I think The Chris Gethard Show has become a part of my soul. This is good for me to do. I keep imagining weird situations at Julie's birthday party, but I want to go as a challenge. I really cannot see myself like other people see me. I'll ask Ashley if she wants to carpool. Mom will probably have dinner with Madeline and David and his girlfriend/womanfriend Lisa. I imagine eating barbecue and David and I questioning my life choices. I hope Charlie Kaufman puts out a film soon. Mom and I walked on Town Lake on the day I started watching bunches of TCGS, and I looked at people with lots of love. Really happy. I'm happy and sad, and I can't tell the difference. I don't care about anything or myself.

I am still afraid that I am still the same as I have always been, and that I cannot change myself. It's ASMR time. It will be all right. Good ngiht every one, bi bi.

Again Today

I just told myself a few days ago that I was sure I would never watch porn again. Somehow I let myself. I masturbated twice in the last 12 hours. Last night I was thinking about texting Ranisha to see if I can go to her place Friday night then I could get a blowjob and titfuck her maybe even have sex, then I came and I thought how stupid that idea was. Then I watched more porn this morning then thought of texting her again and letting her make me come. It even seems like something I want to do still. I thought of the order of sexual acts I could do with her. First we make out and I feel her up and maybe finger her, but that's gross, because I actually think she is gross, but I get so excited. I am never going to text her again. I'll just reply to her. I hung out with Ashley last night. After I left I thought of asking her, Would it be gross or uncomfortable if I touched you? Because I really want to. I want to make out with her. I am afraid that I will remind her of Tim or she thinks it is taboo to be with two brothers even over a year apart. Like the Lone Ranger, it's pretty weird. She usually is not that pretty to me. But I am so close to her, I really think I love her. I imagined leaning over and wrapping my arms around her tightly. Putting my head on her shoulder. I made Pina Coladas. Ashley and Jay had a small glass each and I had two and half I think. We played Gloom, which Ashley enjoyed it seemed. I won by a hundred. It was fun. Jay went to bed. We played with Sly and listened to We Are Undenyable, and watched youtube and I told her a little about ASMR, we watched tiny candy food making videos. I forgot my keys and we hugged three times I think, never really as full or long as i want. I wish I was the same height as her. I should have put the bag down and crouched until our eyes were even, then one arm up and one down. Really I want her boobs to press against my chest and put my chin on her neck and press our ears together.

I went to the Food Bank at one yesterday. I left at the break at 2:30. I made more coffee and watched 30 Rock. Now Why? is playing and I think about Andrea's breasts. i have to search breast massage now.

what else, Gravity's Rainbow is difficult to understand. Thinking alot bout mtg, added to cold fire yesterday and tim read what i have. Going to bastrop soon. Movie with aaron and evan, life aquatic. Sleep at mom's. Have a better thursday.

Totally Because Yeah

I am totally alone now. Except for Domino. And All the people who live in this building right now. Last night. I was here and the other guys were in the bedrooms. RJD2 the glow. That reminds me of apprentice eh, star wars... Jedis are really cool. I don't care about star wars much. I love the monopoly game. It is really pretty and makes me nostalgic. Christian Slater, i started to type bale but no batman, no Hey ash watcha plain.. Blackalicious is supreme! REALEASE!!!!!!! hAHA i made a pun or something.. two words made one another word some kind of konnection?  Ha DOOO I do not know Man Men I love Men, I love Humansw and earth and love and stars and whatever is in the space between the particles we have discovered.

My clavicles are sore. Passionate Men! Passionate Love. Passionate Work. Passionate Dedication. Passion Fruit Passion Friend. Hehe Saul Williams just said Passion.. I love the guy, oh...

Over whelming me, Oak and elming me... Haha, he's great. Things that aaron understands and things he wants to understand.

I've tried to add some to Cold Fire but I've lost almost all enthusiasm for it. Soul Position is real real good.

Brutal truth, feel so good, clean, real. Ready. Open. Strong. Stable. Efficient. Kind. Playful.

I'm afraid Padre is waste of time. I am going to try to make the most of it. I don't know. I guess I need to make money. I told Stacy that the Library seems like the right place for me until I can grow food and help feed people well. I love mom more than anything. I look forward most to when she gets to Padre Thursday.
I think I need to journal there. I plan to drink almost everyday, except the last. Alcohol i mean. I hope I have fun and don't take it too seriously as a time and place to grow and learn more about family, I hope I don't try too hard and I hope I don't try too little.

Ha, I was on tribe called quest radio, but I changed it, too much Wu tang violence, Now tcq is on blackalicious radio. Here comes the world...

A band name: Good Germs, I read "germs of good" In karamazov. Album called I Hope You Listen.

I imagined singing on the ruta maya stage at an open mike i guess. Just random words about blossom and cars and stuff..

I yoga'ed early morning. Except pb cheese sandwich and mozz sticks I think I ate Okay. I played OFF for awhile and stopped just before aaron got here, then he left. Oh yeah pat got coffee and doughnuts. Today seemed unusually bright. It just felt unreal. Like I could see better or just more. Like im seeing things differently somehow. Spotify is half of my real world. I want to cut off the facebook... I'm going to wake at 730, so I want to bed soon. If this MTG was out of sight I wouldnt be interested in it every day. I made two sealed decks today. Hey Ash seems like pretty average truth of upscale nerd gamers. I am not sure what that means.

Ashley listened to Swimwear... It is exasperatingly funny.


Sounds good, like summer who I was. Like Bastrop Kids, movies highschool, words silly, Grass Trees, Cleanest Houses, Abandoned shops, vacant lots, open spaces, city council meeting with the school board, farm trucks, Shakespeare nights, Radio, Glistening taco cabana, Artificial ears, Crying dolls, Dark darkness, starless skies, blank screens, lotion and mangoes, Porch light moth wings, Distance pleasure, Ashley. Greg. Forever. Dreams. Repetition. Suitability. Effort. Dry water. Macaroni. Mothers. Swiffers. Cats. life death. Piles of dirt driveways holes dusk dawn memories lawns reading writing futures explanations implications consequences truths hopes, tears, ponies, condoms, Drawers, Desk, Animal Crossing, This is dedicated to her, I miss her... I am her so much. Pumpkins, Fall, Settling, Friendship, Leaves, Jobs, Lightning fast, Parking lots, Elmo, Ernie, Dublin, Sheer face hair fringe cream skin. Feelings... frustration... Needs... Obstacles... Selves... Mystery.

What am I saying, I am channeling the wonder deep inside my unconscious mind. This music brings up a lot in me. I just texted her. She makes me feel like Nikki did, my life is happening, I have to do the best, It has to be right now, I am this real person and I know what to do and I have to do it despite every difficulty.

(: haha, love is so greeat and powerfill, like the big bad ozz frames janko... epistle apostle, ganja memephone, abridge apology, After waver sound lever, Peen apple, French disc course, dicourse, pleebs {: nuh byebye My lover, Apple food cake wake well waylay weee peeple... nooze Shy

Something to do. This is controlled and substantial. I am standing at my laptop, listening to Spotify radio.We Have Band. Then Pat came in and I stopped for a while, we checked the mail. Julie sent me and aaron postcards from Georgia. I microwaved a cucumber and put salt and oil and chili powder on it. I scrambled an egg in the left over oil and ate it. I am having a second cup of coffee. It's pretty much an actual cup. I signed up for a three hour shift at the food bank tomorrow afternoon. I played OFF for a while. It's getting more taxing. I sort of want to play Mother 3. But I think Aaron wants me to read. I read some last night, but it was crazy hard. I closed the book and got out a letter from Aaron and read four pages of that. Last night I wrote that Free Write on ego-youthful. I've thought about asking Aaron to read it. I thought about telling him how I think about killing him a lot. I told him, I hope i didnt kill you, because I put my finger in his drink. After I said it I thought, I don't care if you die, it might even be better if you do. Getting the ECG at PPD was sort of scary. It felt like dystopia where everyone is sick all the time and hooked up to machines and are unhappy and scared. I tried to sit down to read last night, but it was very uncomfortable, so I stood for a while and changed my position a lot and bounced or swayed. This coffee cream is nice. It's toffee i think. I really don't know what to do. I was thinking that all the problems in the universe are the result of matter being arranged the wrong way. That's why this guy is here treating this woman badly. The chemicals in his brain are wrong or he's supposed to be working in a field on the other side of the world where he is happy and this woman is supposed to be sleeping and having a nice dream.
Pat is eating cheese rolls and scrolling thru netflix. He's told me to eat pizza rolls a few times since last night. I told him i am trying to be healthy, even though for lunch I had a peanut butter sandwich with three oreos on it. After my chicken potato dinner I ate some vanilla wafers. The chicken was probably pretty unhealthy. Oh pat put on an LCD soundsystem documentary. Buebuey
Then the day changed.
It was nothing. It was a mistake or not. I am off the wagon. I kicked the bucket. Is that a reference to hanging oneself? Anyway I got up and ate nilla wafers and peanut butter then a cheese roll and peproni roll and cherry coke. I felt like it didn't matter. There was tasty foods around me. My stomach can do it. They won't really get inside my blood and in my cells and if they do they'll just feed them and they won't mutate them or make them die. Maybe. I really barely know anything. I know things I can see, but I can't see much.

In an hour and a half I have to get ready to go to food bank. I'm watching apprenticeEh. I annoy and frustrate Aaron by doing "nothing". What I do is watch youtube and play videogames and eat. He wants me to read. I can expand my reality by reading. I think watching vlogs can expand my reality. I feel like I accept nothing about my reality. I feel like it is all wrong. I will shower soon. I don't want to get my teeth out. I am afraid of the pain, but it won't last long.

I don't know what to say or how to end it. I mean that doubly about this and about my life. Not as in I am going to kill myself but I don't know how, but as in I don't know what the end or purpose of my life is. I don't know how to pursue some kind of life goal. I don't know how to find out what that goal is. I don't know how to make choices. I often feel like I am not real. I am not who I am.

What's for lunch. What will I wear. What will I say and do.

title...

Maybe mayber what the fuck!@!

I lucking fuvv GracieHInaBox! Michele is cool! So young and so Old videos!! I am only I a little years younger than them... Youtube, just talking to a camera looking interesting, thinking out loud, living openly... Makes living possible makes one feel included and important...

I keep watching porn and masturbating... It sucks... I am not myself... I am a lesser being... I am an animal.

Are other animals capable of transcendence? Are humans? If so, what would the purpose of transcendence.
Transcendence is controlling your instincts (such as not masturbating just because you can) and working towards a higher goal, such as whatever exists in your best dreams, then not being overly concerned with worldly matters and caring infinitely about what eternity will be like for everyone...

Daily Grace, July 25th 2013, "That's a human thing! I'm surrounding myself with it... Not human, alive. I have a hard time distinguishing between alive and just human. Neither here nor there."

Watching so much grace helbig... I am not sure that I am alive... That sounds a bit like transcendence..

I love... ... ellipses... Nothing ever ends... All being are immortal... Space and time are infinite...

i want to be creative... suck... read bros karamoozoovoo.... Kazoo [: bye kneegrows iluvu 

My story

What will I do on Saturday. Complete stupid isolation. Writing a story. Developing a interactive adventure. Expanding the minds of useless fart hounds like myself. That is me. Getting a worthless job to live in a place where I contribute less that the average 8 year old American. Wanting to burn down the sky. Wanting to run away and live with simple people. Wanting a woman who loves me unconditionally. Wanting an easy existence.

My blood feels sticky. My muscles feel like they're fighting themselves. My penis wants to separate from my body. I have devilish dreams. I want to slap my loved ones on the face. Hard. I want to break limestone bricks on my hand. I am listening to the DO... Oh. I want to whittle away. I want to bake myself. I want to make a grand beautiful meal out of myself and feed a large community for a year. Then I want them to build a school and name it after me. Then I want to make it rain when things gets thirsty for 5000 years.
I want to make a thousand dollars a week for doing whatever I want to do. I want to have a dance party with Kit in his house. Then I want us to install an in-ground pool in his back yard in one night then have an underwater light show and dance party, then someone drowns and we all cry buckets at the funeral and it rains and we write an awesome book that everyone reads.

-A few hours gap here-

I must be someone else. I cannot do what I do if I am me. I do what this body is. There is a soul in this body. I am responsible for the well being and future of this body. My soul is lost. It is travelling thru this body. There is a consciousness in this body. Sometimes it is separate from the body, sometimes the soul leaves this body, the body is alone and acts out against this soul. The consciousness puts what the body senses into words and order. The soul tries to tell the consciousness the right thing to do. Living in New York, I would work at a soup kitchen. I would be Flynn's son, Paul Dano. I would be brave and honest.

Mom, Tim, Pat and I saw Lone Ranger. I like the subject of the old west. I hate the formula for jokes that is everywhere today. It's all about awkwardness. The funniest part was Tonto stepping off the ladder then it shattering on the tree. Nevermind... I didn't enjoy most of the movie. I shouldn't have seen it, but I am lost. I had a small crisis in the shower. I was nervous about the job interview. And I was still upset about the gross mutant babies shitting blood and being fingered hospital apocalyptic dream I had. I thought how it might help me try to prevent the world from becoming hell. There are hellish places, situations on Earth right now, so I should do something. Working at this disc golf warehouse does not seem like enough. Then I resigned to waste my life, because it is too dificult to change the world I guess. I am not capable.

I have to try to tell Stacy. I have not shaved my unibrow in a while. It is sort of a test for people to see if they care or think I need to shave it because that is normal and acceptable. It makes me a little self conscious. I wonder if someone will say anything. It is fun for me. Frieda Kahlo. How much of my time should be spent trying to look good?

This Must be the Place was good. It made me feel, almost cry, laugh loudly. It was a lot like Everything Is Illuminated. That one had a more serious core and the passing moments were lighter. This must be the place had a lighter core, but the filler, in-between content was more serious, like him saying People say My life will be that until a certain age then they say That's life.

What is the real story, The beginning the end where you are what you affect. It's all so vague. So killing me. I am between myself and everything. Such a huge menacing gap. I have to fill my car's tires with air.

I am not letting myself be myself. How can I not be myself? Huckabees, i guess. Pleasant meadows, struggling young affluents. Sour souls. Rotting flesh, wet forest, bloody green stump, Stump the Whiz. There is good and bad in me. I have to let the good out and control the bad. That is what everything is. Everything we are. Shameless H Macy, Mad John Ham

I am a reference to a popular night show. I am living on a mountain in a desert. I ate too mmuch ice cream, I thought it was snow, I am a moose I have too much hair. I own too much. Most people cant wipe thier butts properly. Sickness is the most popular disease. Bye bye blue fin... taste... moken... tuse... tope... lomma... crepe... leef... sohm... be agye gye... bugga fi

Bright Screen Outside Fading Light

I am laying up on a bed in the middle bedroom in Mom's house. Mom is watching a program on KLRU about a rich English family from old time. Mom's laptop is on top of my lap. Pillow is behind my head. The sun will set soon. It's pretty bright outside. Mom and I painted the other bedroom today.

It's a bit later now. My butt is weird. I feel like pooping a lot. Mom's watching Masterpiece Mystery I think. I am listening to pigsbum53 ASMR. I masturbated in the shower today thinking about having sex with Nikkin and filling her with semen to a cartoon horror degree. It's quite ridiculous. I want to play Earthbound tomorrow after I get home. Mom and I are going to arrange the furniture in the bedroom tomorrow. It has not been a bedroom for a long time.

Aaron and I walked yesterday. We talked about Bottle Rocket because we had just watched it. I talked about Ashley. He talked about understanding and friends.

Mom gave me some jobs to apply for. I don't know if I would prefer to work for Aaron's dad. I suppose I should try to get a job in Austin first. I really envy and admire rootless people who move around with ease. Like how Max used to just camp and live outside and use his car and shower at friends' houses.

This screen is really bright. I feel I should be outside. When this video is over, I'll go. Less than one minute. I'll hit some golf balls. Or shoot a basketball.

byebye

Westinner

The point of writing. The point of living. I make an explosion. The world of cities. Tall towers. Fires in the sky. Night lights for adults wearing diapers, drooling syrup. Tall, long haired ladies and gentlemen fall out of windows thousands of feet above the earth, arms and legs flapping against the wind. Black clothes, black hair, black wind. Share our lives. Laser pulleys


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Vacation to California

Wednesday
Lorena, Kit, and Mom picked us up from the apartment at little after three in the afternoon. A few hours before I played Earthbound and saved it right after I got to Fourside, which I mention because I thought about playing almost every day on vacation, not that it took away from my enjoyment of the vacation, but it might have.

We found the train station after some driving and went inside. It was empty and looked pretty old. We left our bags in the office with the clerk. We walked to Hut's and ate burgers. We went to Whole Foods and bought travelling food. We got vanilla snaps, which tasted nice and had a unexpected pleasant texture. Mom impulsively took shortbread cookies off the shelf and bought them. They were great and had a coconut flavor. I ate most of them. 

We waited for the train to pull up then got on easily. It was exciting. I looked out the window a lot. I got my book out right away but ended up reading only one chapter. There was a pretty and spacious observation car. Sleeping was difficult while sitting. Each of us slept no more than six hours for the two nights. San Antonio was fun. We had a four hour layover there. We ate Mexican food and drank Margeritas. We walked a lot, so I fell asleep when we got on the train, but not for long.

Thursday
We had a hour in Tuscon, so we walked around and ate at a pizza place.

Friday
We got to L.A. just about dawn.We played Star Fluxx in a courtyard and ate at Denny's while waiting for our rental car. Our Motel 6 was in Hollywood. It was being renovated, but I liked it. We had to wait an hour to check in, so we walked to Hollywood Boulevard and saw the Walk of Fame and Graumman's Chinese Theater with the celebrity hoof prints. Pat took a photo of me with my hand on Shirley Temples hand print. Humphrey Bogart had the best inscription. When we got back and got our rooms, we showered right away, after not being able to on the train a whole day. We felt much better. Mom said the only shower that felt better was the one she took after she gave birth to Patrick. We took a much needed nap.

We drove to Venice Beach and met Kelly. I liked the boardwalk, the wide beach, the views, and the variety of humanity. We heard a girl sing and play guitar. On the way back Tim bought her CD. Mom took a photo of the mural from L.A. story. We walked a long time to Santa Monica. It was chilly. We walked around an amusement park and saw the end of route 66 sign. We ate at a place Kelly suggested called Big Dean's and saw Hani, which surprised us.

Saturday
We slept very well for a change. We drove around L.A. the next morning. We ate at a small donut shop. We drove up Mulholland and stopped at a scenic overlook above the Hollywood Bowl and near the Hollywood sign. We drove thru Beverly Hills and Rodeo Drive. I liked the tall palms along the street. They turned into pines. We skipped Griffith Park. I wanted to go, but I didn't mind at all, since there was so much else to do. We went to Solvang and experienced the Danish capital of America. We ate good Danish style food at The Mustardseed. The drive was really nice, oceany and mountainy. We got to Santa Barbara and found a beach next to some tall cliffs and dipped our feet in the water. We went to town and took a sweet, chilly walk on the pier and saw the full moon reflect off the ocean. We got pizza from Rusty's, went to a Motel 6 in Goleta, and ate junk from Walgreen's.

Sunday
There was a Rusty's right near our motel that we saw in the morning. We had a long day of driving. Kit drove most of it. We drove on high, winding mountain roads on the Pacific Coast Highway. We stopped in Pismo for a while and ate too much saltwater taffy. Some of the flavors were pretty tasty. We went to Morro  Bay. There was heavy fog. We went to Morro Rock. It was grand and beautiful. It was my favorite. We went behind it and walked on a beach and on some big rocks. We ate seafood. I had delicious Cajun Cod. We tried to go to Hearst Castle, but the tours were closed. We walked thru a museum. I didn't really care. The castle looked nice from far away down a hill. The property was huge, 82,000 acres or so of ranches with cows. We stopped at a fancy hotel near Big Sur and looked at awesome coast views. Kit got gas before leaving the mountains. It was almost six dollars a gallon. It was a tiny station, and there was a restaurant and a tiny charter school next to it. Mom said it was a hippie hangout. It felt like a sanctuary. We drove to Salinas for In and Out Burger. I saw some pretty girls there, who I tried to stare at. We slept in Marina at a lovely Motel 6.

Monday
We got a bunch of junk from a drugstore, had donuts, and drove to Monterey. We walked around Cannery Row, not too exciting. We found the Aquarium and spent a while there. Jellyfish are very cool and strange. Big fish were fun. Giant octopus were shy. Leopard Sharks are pretty. Hammerheads. Rays are neat. Saw eight seals.
We stopped in San Juan Bautista, after driving thru tall eucalyptus trees. It was cold. I left my sweater in the car. The mission was pretty as were the views. We saw the stables from Vertigo. The tower was movie magic. There was a cool Jesus statue. The mission was founded on June 24th, which is Mom's birthday, and I didn't actually think of this until now, but it was that day. It's over 200 years old. There was a locked gate leading to a leafy graveyard. We walked on the main street, looking for food, and all we found was the Happy Rooster. They had Italian food and sandwiches. I got a turkey melt and balsamic salad. It was all good and lots of food. No one else was there. We decided to skip Muir Woods that day.
We left and drove to Santa Cruz. There was a crap carnival on the boardwalk that Mom did not know about. We left right away. We drove thru UC Santa Cruz. It was foggy and the trees and hills were beautiful.  Going toward San Francisco we saw a cool beach, so Kit stopped. We all went barefoot and walked in the water a little. Pat and I ran to a rocky outcrop jutting into the ocean. Kit came too. We climbed up and took photos. We found a small cave. The tide was coming in. Mom and Tim got there later. Tim saw the cave. Mom worried about the tide. We saw a seal or sea lion poke its head out the water. Tim and I ran back. Chariots of Fire. I took a lot of photos with Kit's camera. We washed our feet off with ocean water from a litter jug. I saw a jawbone and makeshift headstone for "what I think was a seal." We got to San Fran at night. It looked interesting. We ate at Tim's regular pizza joint, Piraat, about 10. This was Mom's birthday. Kit, Pat, and I got a sausage, jalepeno pizza. Mom had pepperoni and said it was the best pizza she had ever had. We crashed at the Beresford Arms, 6th floor.

Tuesday
I went to the lobby to get a bunch of free food for breakfast. We went out pretty early and walked to Downtown. It was misty. We went to a cafe called Bistro for coffees. We walked a lot this day. Went thru chinatown, walked up very steep hills, saw the crookedest street from the bottom a little ways away, and went to Coit tower where Mom had to use the bathroom and eat, which I mention, because she had a hard time with the hills, and I worried a bit about her. We went to City Lights bookstore. I bought A Coney Island of the Mind, because Aaron said too, and I was intrigued. Mom bought Cannery Row and Hocus Pocus. We walked to Fisherman's Wharf and got hot dogs and clam chowder in sourdough bowl and Ben and Jerry's. We walked around and saw a sea lion swim around the docks, and it kept poking its head up and looking around like it was confused. On a short walk to Ghiradelli Square, Kit bought a sourdough loaf. We went into a store and a cute girl gave us chocolate. She sounded Russian, because we were next to Russian Hill. I wanted to talk to her but was embarrassed. We looked at the crooked street from above, but that was not a good view. On the long walk back to the hotel, we went into Trader Joe's and Kit bought butter and cheese to make grilled cheese with his bread. I bought a bottle of wine for $2.50. We got back to the hotel after six and ate really good grilled cheese sandwiches.

Wednesday
We headed out about 9:30 and ate real nice at Honey Honey crepery. We caught a bus. I told everyone about a new video game idea, improved from Kung Foo Trouble, called Reign of Cold Fire. We rode to Haight. I stood up for a while and got really nauseous. There was a pretty Asian girl with tattoos, who Kit sat next to. We walked to Golden Gate park and walked thru the botanical garden. Lots of beautiful plants. I took a few pictures, one of which, one of a sequoia, is my phone background. Really big trees. I liked tit. Fragrance garden. I like coconut smell, little purple flower. We walked to Alamo Square. Tim and I took a grace-face photo. It was a pretty place. We went to city hall, big and ornate.Walked back to hotel, rested a while. Went for Chinese food. I accidentally ordered tofu and couldn't eat much, but the spicy pork was yummy. It was a nice place. Funny host. Went to cross the street grocery for ice cream, cookies. I ate lotta ice cream and drank wine till I had to stop and pour some out. Bed early, limo at six.

Thursday
Woke at 5:30 or so, waited in lobby for a bit, then limo came. Pat saw the guy out the window tuck in his shirt. He was nice and put our bags in the trunk. Little ways to airport. Got some food. Only food I bought. Pastries, milk, coffee. Waited a while. Kit got us on later flight to get free ticket vouchers. We shared a burrito and a weird white chocolate cappuccino. We played Star Fluxx. Pat slept. There was a girl with cool blonde hair at our gate. I saw her laptop, and it looked like she was on blogger.com. I wanted to sit next to her on plane, but she got on after us, and we sat in back. Didn't see where went, lost her forever [: hah. We stopped in Los Angeles. The views were very cool. I read a chapter of Karamazov. I listened to Mom's iPod. There was a beautiful cloud village. Shadows were amazing. Landing is always rough. I saw Austin from plane. We went to Kit's house and that is basically the end. Mom finally got her birthday cupcakes. Mini cheesecakes Lorena made. Blackberry jam was my favorite [I always stop myself from typing a 'u' in favourite.]

Real Life begins again.

aaron stacy

Best Friend versus Therapist. Or Best Friend and Best Therapist are Best Friends, good for me. Two sides of my psyche. I think Aaron knows a lot more than Stacy, and I want to say that he makes a lot more sense. Maybe because he leads the conversations he has with me and I get absorbed in his thoughts and make them my own and there is no friction and all is right. I lead my conversations with Stacy, and I don't know what I am talking about. I get lost in her presence and wanting it to go so well that I don't need any help, maybe the helpful things she says get mixed up with the incomprehensible things I say. Maybe I am being purposely self-deprecating. She wants me to let myself feel my feelings. I want to feel her. I wanted to hug her at the end, but I think she would have rather not. She says Aaron and I get lost in our heads and disconnected from the present moment of feeling our own feelings, and that we try to analyze everything and connect with the outside world so that we do not feel our own feelings or feel at all. Aaron talks about feelings as a way to understand what it means to be himself and to be in his place in life. I am exhausted by analyzing everything in a conclusive way. I will analyze things as long as I feel like it. I like to feel things happen to me. I don't like to have any affect on anything. What I like and what is best generally for all are probably not the same.

Traveler Sitting

2nd cup of coffee. Listen to Laura Lemure. 9:46 a.m. Porn... I hate it and myself. I lost all will power and self control. I am in a nebulous space. I have confined myself. I had peanut butter on toast. Welsh accent. Nino Kuni, Bender's Big Score. I tried to sleep on the couch. It was off and on. At six something I slept in the bed. Tomorrow, I have to go help Aaron move in temporarily, then I have to be back here Thursday to let the AC people work and give them a check.

I have a large infected pore bump or several on the left side of my neck. I can feel the skin stretch when i turn my neck. Tim said he'll bring me pizza rolls tonight, because I said I wanted him too, but he shouldn't even get any and shouldn't drive out here. But he'll get them anyway, because it is a strong habit. I want to read Karamazovs to cleanse myself. I'll get in the pool sometime today. I really want to watch more ApprenticeEh. Gosh I love those Canadians, and the Youtube movie sounds really fun. I love seeing it being made piece by piece almost at the same time that it is really happening. So much energy and beauty. I love to look at and listen to Saskia and Rianna. Their hairs are so cool. And they have cute faces and talk nicely. I like Steven a lot. He has a familiar American personality. I like his look and his mannerisms. I like the locations they vlog in and the hand held close face vlogging is intimate and they always seem earnest.

I don't think I will. It's a sink hole. I need to be creative and write. Writing is more creative than typing. I don't remember any dreams. Pregression. Growing my beard out. I looks crap, but I approve. I could read and write today. I could stop watching Youtube for good. I could take responsibility.
I saw Stacy yesterday. I had to pay for Friday since I cancelled too late. I tried to be real and honest. I always end up talking about unexpected things. I did think about talking about Dad and Terry and grief. I mostly said how strange childhood is and that I cannot relate. I feel shame in a strange way. Abstract shame, shame was on at least twice last night. I restarted it to see Carey Mulligan naked but I didn't stay to see her. I masturbated to breastfeeding adult women and a sick music video compilation of facefucking, I really hate that word/phrase, not as much as myself right now. I have to redeem myself. I don't want to be more like Aaron. I want to be myself. I want to be whole.

It's 10:15. 30 minutes go by. If one uses it well, there is so much time to go around. Vacation. I have to set goals and do difficult work so that I have something to vacation from. Money will run out right after we back.   Have to buy organic local vegetables, have to slough my intestines clean. I should weigh 20 fecal pounds less and 20 muscle pounds more. Want to watch Stranger Than Paradise.

The Living Wake is amazing. I want to suggest it to Aaron and Mom. I took a nice short walk at dusk. Where will this day go? I think I dreamed about a full, messy litter box. I need to go outside, write, read, read, write. Dance, think, be still, and stretch, and communicate, and reflect.

Done

shasha gggerdgtyhjkhljtrygulhj noop

Home, no TV. Mom, no disease. Internet, close mind, so close to me. World wide. Foundation of daily social interaction. Fish. Death. Night, walk, river. Winona Ryder. Face of beauty. Souls sleep. Facebook health discussions. Hazy eyes. Mom comes home soon, hopefully. Hopefully, I am not irretrievably naive. Hopefully, the dogs and family members do not die at the wrong time. If anything happens, it happens at the right time, because that is the time it happened. I died right now. Try to pet Emerson with my foot. He is behind me. Try to ask Aaron about God. Cook shrimp. Don't be embarrassed by this. I have no idea how to eat well. Daisy is alone. All night. The dogs annoy me. No lives are empty. Jovial penguin negro baller, aptitude jetset, be pee niss, player fiscal ficus brain turd, nerd fart, little licks of mexican strip tits, maller man hole joke call phone bone jone, fool, bool... soccer, nobody justerfier.
Stegosaurus Trap... Wonder. My life is empty. I am immediate, unjustified. Where is the water, Where is my life? I'm a hole in a hole. Happy Mothers DAy, mothra. It's a good job. YOu need a cheese grater, grateful, be more of a today human. Slap the bug bites. Good old home. I am the only one who knows. No one's life is the same as another's. Surgically remove insect infections. Young people on the bridge, loud with phones, Horrible mothers, long overdue books. Drowned in the sink, chiropractor.

its over bye, haha, in a good, food (same pronunciation) night boyyyyyyyyyyyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

offday, retry, knowme

I'm at mom's with the dogs and buddy. It's 9 am. I had planned to be at Craig's today now, until last night. I was very tired. I went back and forth between wanting to stay here, not go, and thinking that to go would be best for me, and I should go, and it'll be hard no matter what, difficult, no homeless. I was going to go at eight to do yoga with Craig and the wooffers, but whatever. Evan is going to the hospital unexpectedly I think, so I need to take care of Daisy. I was talking to mom on the phone, and after I told her about evan, and we acknowledged that we felt bad, I started to choke up and struggled to talk without weeping, even though mom would have been understanding and helpful, but I was embarrassed, and the feelings were too difficult to acknowledge. When the call ended I let myself cry. It reminded me of watching In America at this house a few months ago, and when the baby is born, I thought about the kid they had who died, and no matter what this baby will also die, but probably wont be a baby when heshit does... die... daaaaaaaa. I thought of writing a story called The Sad Family, in which sad stuff keeps happening. dogs dying.. hmmm, bad idea

I have got to do yoga soon. shower. masturbate, i dunno, i wanted to watch porn, because I had porny dreams, which I realised were super gross.
At jan's when I slept for about 3 or 4 hours, Later on in the car I remembered that I dreamed I made out with ashley, except she didnt open her mouth and didnt seem to want to kiss, but was okay with letting me pry at her lips with my tongue, and in the car I was disturbed by this, i thought of texting her about it. I drove to Elgin to see mom, MON-night. I think that's when I exclaimed in the car, I'm so fucking weird! I got there just when mom was going for a walk, we walked slow thru tthe graveyard. Listening to dodger, why not. Im so horny.. I cant help you with that. Hah, jim jam... Shim Sham, YOU get in the bawwwx!

I dont know how I was able to be around those people for two days, or eight hours a day two days in a row. I dont really feel like I was myself there. I feel like myself here now. I tried to determine where and when I do feel like myself. The apartment, most of the time when I am alone, hardly ever when I am with people I know. I think I can feel like myself in acrowd, I felt like i was not myself at the metric show, i tried too hard to have fun and enjoy the music and move, dance thing, i only liked a few songs.

I had to go outside to sign for mom's pills. After I got back inside, I pretended to do a vlog, and I jittered and acted weird and jerked and babbled. And tried to explain what I think.

how is you and this?

this is real

I'm not trying to sound any way. I only want to say what I am and know. On the virgin tears, I think about what bothers me about myself and life of me. I see Dodger's face and hear voice and think I want to fuck her so bad. I don't know exactly what that means. I imagined making out with her. It felt like a betrayal and a failure, like I was ruining her image, because I think I was. Within the past few weeks I thought once that the body is the most holy part of a human, because it was given to us. Don't know what holy really means. I mean the body is what we commune thru, it's part of the universe, and our minds feel separate.
Let's talk about me. My back needs to be straighter. My spine is my favorite part of me. It needs my love and attention. I watched Kat Edmondson on Austin City Limits. I danced to a waltz she sang. She sang a slow song and looked about to cry. I do not want to watch SNL now or stay up for it. I feel like it will be hard to sleep tonight. I do not want to unmake the bed here at Jan and Ed's. I am tired and sleepy. I want to lie on the floor or lay on the not tell lies on the floor. I have to go watch SNL, because it could be amazing. Hmm, pretty silly and stupid and weird, comforting, sad, retrospective.

Jesus give me strength! I thought of asking Evan how long he's been a christian. Not when he was baptized but when he decided to be christian.

I watched The girl you wish you hadn't started a conversation with at a party. Some boring jokes, some funny. Dodger talked about gardens, people eating better. I saw a commercial for a phone with a bunch of glass breaking. Made me think it was a waste of glass, wonder what they did with it, wonder why people want to see things destroyed. I thought of a constructive commercial, song, Im making apple streudel for the children upstairs and downstairs. and he is and the environment is safe and creative. Have to go to sleep. Wake up at 8. see iron man, DAMNIT! i have to sit good for it. I have to eat well before and after, have to think about what to eat. CAke! the band, MR mastodon farm!! Fuck Shit! Watts! I am hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, bert erny, weeeerrrrrpppp. OK I am funny and done.

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Masturbation Journal 14 [y.o.]

                           I waited almost 13 days then I whacked off 3 times in 12 hours. I think the contemplative sound of Cat Power's Sea of Love made me want to write this. Aaaron, and Hemingwaay, aand being comfortable made me want, and still make me, to write [type] standing up. I stood up to work most of last night. I think the work itself, or maybe it's just me, makes me tense up neck and shoulders.My legs get slightly weary but it feels better than having sore butt, back, neck from sitting too much, alot may be sycological of me thinking that standing is better for me, like the way some vegetables taste better to me because i think they are healthy. I was going to make salad last night, but I pussyfucked out. I get to live in bastrop for half of next week while mom is a library conference in fort worth. I'm listening to my bloody valentine, so gazey, ambient,  subconcious. I had a really crappy dream of being at home with domino and brothers and domino acted sick and crawled into a big fire in the fire place and layed down on a log, he didnt react to the fire at all and just acted sleepy, I thought he needed to die and he knew it, but the fire burned him but didnt kill him, he was out later i think we took him out because he didnt die, tim held him and he was very small and had charred fur and was sort of orange, maybe it was buddy.
                         I read about Boston, because dodger had mentioned something happened in boston. A bunch of people blew up. I want to say something evil about it because I shouldnt. I am slightly concerned about aaron. I know he sympathizes with the victims and the loved ones, because he is better and smarter than me. If those runners werent such gay retards maybe theyd still be unblown up. I make myself want to laugh shortly and cry forever. Then I laugh again. I listen to Weezer in the garage. My rapper name is G-RiffRaff. It's beautiful. Oh all the sudden I notice I'm sitting on a stool and I didnt notice me sitting down and that it goes against wanting to stand, but backless stool is better than backed chair or couch.I need to do stretches. After this temp job is over I never want to do office work again.I want to play DnD again with more sets and players.I made coffee with french vanilla creamer instead of milk because we out of milk, it's espresso. The Gruffalo's Child was very comforting, even when I had to pee real bad. I cannot masturbate again until May. "Rejoicing in the Hands" {{{{{{::::::: How to Be Happy!>>?<@!<>!@<!<#!@><#

Call them all at the end. She was at her locker I got off work I looked at her tried to smile, she drank gatorade i think it was green

As long as this takes, without fear.

I took the plastic and cardboard to the recycling bin. I wanted to go outside and just to do something. The bin is full, so I turned around and thought I'll check tomorrow. I heard someone through and apartment window. Sounded like a young girl. I thought that I notice a lot. I thought of the people near my apartment who might have seen me walk to the bin and might see me walk back to the apartment. I imagined them thinking I was an idiot for thinking that recycling matters and for wanting to recycle egg cartons. Those people I imagined made me sad and embarrassed. I thought, all I can do is not kill myself. That also made me sad, and I began to wonder why I thought that. My pulse rate rose. It also rose earlier, when I read an Onion review of Game of Thrones, which was thoroughly pornographic. I thought of talking to Stacy about my suicidal thoughts. Then I thought of telling her it is hard to handle myself during extended free time, especially alone. Then I thought of actually handling myself, as in masturbation, and telling Stacy that last Wednesday I decided to quit porn and actually mean it and make that promise to myself last. I haven't masturbated since Monday, late at night, almost one week. I have touched myself a little in a sensual way, but not for more than a minute and not with any goal. It's all about improving myself.
It's already so late in the day.
I started my food log again. I eat horribly. I am hoping that going to Craig's will help me change my diet. I have to call him though, but I am afraid again. I act like I want to do nothing. I think I want to do a lot, but I never actually want to do anything. What is it? What is that? I am grateful for Blogger.com. I would have too many files on my laptop otherwise.
I am afraid of myself. I am the most dangerous thing for myself. I am afraid of pain, physical pain. I am afraid of believing I am in hell, either from a mental issue or from actual hell on earth. Somehow people don't die and they're always on fire, everything hurts all the time... I am scaring myself. As I was breaking boxes I thought, If we don't try to make things better all the time, then hell on earth is a constant threat. I thought of the Rapture and crazy Christians, maybe they have mental disorders that make them fear apocalypse, or think that they know the only way to avoid it. I really love Aaron. I really want to know what he knows. I want to try to understand the ideas of God and purpose and eternal love. I love to pet a cat.
Listening to Bright Eyes. Everything is intense. Pat is still sleeping from his after class nap.

I wonder. About so much. A song to pass the time, very beautiful... I feel it. I am weak from emotions.

Dodger Leigh... so beautiful. I want to kiss with her. Close to tears. We have to take the trash out today. I am tiny, fragile... I am beautiful.

Cry... Save it. Save everything. It's precious. It's willful. What is it to do? Jaw tightens up. Nose trickles.

What can I do at this moment. Why am I so overwhelmed so quickly, so incapacitated. Pat and I watched Holy Motors last night. I fell asleep in the last 15 minutes. I watched the last scene today. It is an odd film. I liked it mostly.

I am afraid of Patrick finding me type this and of him reading it and judging me and disapproving. I am nervous about working in a week. It will be easy and fine. Mom will feel less pressure, and that is the best.
I must be perfect. Grammar and everything.

OK I guess I am out of things to say. See ya.

go by by

I am at the apartment alone. Tim works. Pat is at class. I dropped him off 30 minutes ago. I went to Dittmar park to throw discs, but it was crowded and some women looked like they were going to the picnic table or a spot near the basket. I was embarrassed to be seen and embarrassed that I was uncomfortable being around people.

Monday night I went to bed about 2 am, after we beat Arkham Horror. Then, I watched porn and ASMR for 3 hours, which is astounding. I watched a lot of Kink.com and Public Disgrace videos. One aroused me intensely, but all made me sad for the people in them. (My stomach feels upset.) I had told myself a short time earlier that I would not masturbate except on Saturday, so I can break the habit. After three hours of compulsive porn watching, I decided it would be better to masturbate, so I would go to sleep. The next day I thought how stupid I was last night.

I brought this up, because part of me wants to watch porn and masturbate right now. A bigger, better part of me does not. I felt uneasy opening the apartment door, knowing I'd be alone. I need to think of Domino as a judge. Every few minutes I'll think of porn and think yeah, that's a good idea. Oh... I want to read, or a small, noble part of me wants to read. It seems like a paradox that I want to be my idea of a better person, but I almost never want to do things that make me closer to that person. Maybe better is not a useful word. I guess it's self-actualization. I need to be completely me. I don't need to, but I want to, and I think that is the point of life or something... I always think about Aaron, when I wonder what I should do or I try to analyze myself.

Chrishna is my new band name. Cupboardry Coventry. Coala Cangaroo.

My free writes on the other blog may be useless. I guess I want to stop this and read Brothers Karamazov. I still want to eat crap and porn and pleasure myself. I have to lay on the floor, because it sounds like the best option and I want to.

I did that for a minute. Domino partly distracted me. I coughed and wanted to type that I've been stopped up nasally, and I wonder why. I need to be outside. OK, I go. byby

... Later:
I walked across the road, but it was too cold and I decided reading is better anyway. Earlier I thought of porn and masturbating, then I said Jesus, and it seemed like I was praying for self-control and a way to purge these thoughts from myself. I don't think Jesus was or is special. I think everything has divinity in it. Everything is responsible for its own existence and the existence of everything else.

Corridoors of Time. Chrono Trigger soundtrack. That must be my favourite game of all time. I am so British and Sophisticated. Aham.. Colonial Beach Bargin Blasphemy. Bented Toyota Popular Afrowagen.

Shut it, Schristie!!! Sofochist. That word just led me to researching the origin of Masochist and Masoch and Amerigo and Emmerich. So America's name may come from a germanic name meaning "home power". That sounds appropriate.

Most importantly, I am obsessed with Dodger Leigh now, watching Coffeh Time excessively.

Like something. Again, Me or, Now, I say. Well, No. Because, Now, I am, Be Well. I am a good solid American Male man, waiting to exhale... Amen...

Future is Suppppppeeeerrrrrrrr :{RLBSER{p0itvq;9uyghi

Simply, I am at my life. It is so nice here. In my mom's house. I lived for 17 years. I could stay, but that is not living. I'll be back. I have to make a contribution to the fullest of my ability, or else it's a waste. I have to go to Craig's. I have to learn as much as I can. I have to be healthy and take care of myself in order to help the world and people.

I listened to Neutral Milk Hotel. Now I listen to Gifted Children. Both beautiful to the brink of disbelief. I dreamed about watching movies and making movies and topless girls and weird body positions and running away and old friends and their dads and a flooded park and a sick cat, Buddy, and he laid in the water and I thought he would drown so I picked him up and he was dry and alive and took him inside and there was candy and I had promised Max's dad I would see an action movie about a boat, even we and other men had seen an action movie that day already, I sat next to JD in the theater and said it is like renting a movie and he said we are renting the movie. Oh, yeah, I dreamed I saw Ranisha, but she was much more attractive and was dressed quite interestingly, and we ran to each other and embraced and kissed sort of sloppily.

I wrote a song in my head: I want to golf in the middle of a thunderstorm, get struck by lightening, go to the hospital, and eat lots of jello, cake, and candy.
I am the man who has everything, but I'm not happy.
I am the man who has everything, but it's not funny.

I told my mom that one thing I enjoy about doing work or something I don't want to do, but I know I should do, is that it allows me to enjoy even more thinking about and doing things I want to do that do not accomplish anything but give me pleasure and perhaps pleasure to others involved.
I also enjoy the sense of accomplishment in getting a job done, but unless I really believe in the job, that does not motivate me much.

I have to get ready in one hour. I love morning. I like it even more when I have something to do. I finished a chapter in Brothers Karamazov called A Hymn and a Secret. I made sure to understand it all. In the middle, I worried that I would not remember the words, just the ideas. I reread a bit and posted a section of dialogue in Facebook. Alyosha recalled someone's words twice in that chapter. He recalled an entire conversation.

Mom bought a tomato and a grapefruit at the Producer's Market. I masturbated 3 times yesterday within eight hours. Glah! Quite stupid. I think it's quite selfish for both people involved in love making. I don't understand it. I think that they are keeping each other from doing something more important. I guess it feels amazing, but there are people severely suffering nearby. I am usually keeping myself from doing more important things, usually not by masturbating, but watching netflix or listening to music or surfing the web. Or something like this. But this is supposed to be self-improvement so that I can understand what to do for myself so that I can understand what to do for everyone and everything.

Asmr video. I love to look at pretty girls so much sometimes my mind goes blank. Mom and I watched Queen of Versailles on Sunnight. I thought of that yesterday. Instead of saying SunDAY night, just say the beginning of the day's name and replace day with night. I think it's cool! This female has a nice voice. I don't know why I am nervous about seeing Craig again. I have to tell him I need to leave by 3:30, so I hope he does not mind.

I'm drinking so much green tea, I am so freaking pumped! Hot Rod, Andrea Gaylord. A pretty old actress on TCM, her life in Hollywood. Mom looked at Californian hotels online while working at ACC, last night. I look forward to that state. Sometimes I think I want to find an excuse to stay and work in California. We walked in the Elgin graveyard. I took pictures of gravestones and made jokes about them in texts to Tim. Mom talked to Pat on the phone. I found some graves with the last name Rader, and I texted Nikkin.

I texted her a lot but no response. It makes me a little sad. I like the idea of her now. I miss her. She seems rather unique, interesting, and brave. I might like to be her boyfriend person. I cannot separate her from the oral sex she gave me, but that just seems like a strange, unbelievable, and ill-conceived moment. I thought that I miss Andrea yesterday, but I only miss her body and kissing her. I miss Julie and Ashley a lot. I am going to call Aaron tonight, and that makes me nervous. I miss Stacy. She is very attractive to me. I think my excessive masturbating made me more horny, which sucks. I have to restrain myself for as long as I can. I am getting head tingles a lot this morning.

OK this could go on forever (King of Versailles), Bye bye now!!!!!!!!!!! Seeeeee yaaaaaaaaaaaaaSRKNBAERK

to better understand meroltsl

I have been awake for about 14 hours. My alarm went off. I went back to sleep. I got dressed. I made a an everything bagel and put beans and cheese on it and microwaved them. I watched the TV as Tim played Black Ops. I thought of what Craig might think of Tim. Is it a waste of life? Is it a horrible life? He seems happy enough. I cannot understand his wanting to play Black Ops so much. This darn fan is so loud. I'm going to watch waterwhispers Ilse. I hugged Ashley last night. Pat took us to eat sushi at Umi. I usually miss her as soon as I leave her, then I think that I am in love with her. In the car I saw a girl, and I thought I would probably fall in love with half of all girls if I spent any time with them.I have a date now. I am going to sleep. I'll wake up later. I'll be gone now, now, now. slee

What have I been doing?

I can't think of a more important question to ask myself, because that is it.

I stayed at Mom's last night. We ate fried frozen shrimp. Frozen broccoli in cheese sauce. Frozen garlic bread. We watched the Words. This line sticks out: "I'm not who I thought I was, and I'm terrified I never will be." Also: Fiction or Life, which is it going to be?

Mom went to work in the morning. I watched porn and masturbated. It seems like I was a different person this morning. I ate Frosted mini wheats and had coffee and creamer. I got nervous about going to the farm. (It's really a place with a few small gardens.) I showered for a while. I defrosted bread in the microwave. I ate it with chunky peanut butter and half a banana. I thought about how I would enjoy not going anywhere and hate myself if I didn't. I thought about how I could leave at anytime and I didn't have to work as hard as I could. Somehow, I convinced myself to go, even though I waited a little too late.

I confused north and south and took a while to get there. All the trees were burned or cut or broken. The houses were interesting. They were wooden boxes on top of roundish cob, earthen walls. They remind me of tree houses. I stopped at the gate and got out. Craig walked up to meet me. I asked if he was Craig. We shook hands. He was older and more friendly looking than I had expected.We walked toward the houses. He stopped halfway and talked about the burned trees and the house that had burned. He showed me the whole place. I met Katja, his German live-in friend. She's a music student and teacher. She's very pretty. I was happy to learn about all the fruit and vegetables growing. The bathroom is its own building. It's very nice. Peeing is done outside he said. I peed out there twice, just a little worried about being seen.

We went to work on the house. Plumbing and lighting. I dug out a pipe and cut it. I helped Craig with a light switch. I ate an apple and a tangerine. I stuffed steel wool into roof holes. Katja made us lunch. It was amaranth, lettuce, carrots, avocado, yeast powder, olive oil, apple vinegar. I asked Katja about Germany and told her of my trip. She talked about Germany. Five hours had passed. The day was practically done. I got up to leave. I said bye to Katja. I couldn't bring myself to say Nice to meet you to Katja, it sounds so fake, even though it especially was nice to meet her. Craig walked me to my car. We talked a little. I said Nice to meet you and I'm glad I came. I said I'd come next week. The End. I listened to music and drove back to the house. Mom was not there and Peabody was out. I called Mom and told her a little about my day. I got my junk and left. Sort of a sad drive to Austin. Pat's at class. I listened to Little Fluffy Clouds. I got on Facebook and watch a video from infowars about food that's bad for you. I looked up Craig's website, Rawfoodsbible.com. I got super anxious and paranoid about food and health. I thought about Mom getting cancer and worse diabetes. I asked what she was eating for dinner. She said on ACC night, sometimes she gets a burger. That was the worst. I didn't even care about myself anymore. I asked if she wanted to go to a farmer's market on Saturday. I tried to think of what Pat and I can eat tonight. I thought of the food in Target. Vegetables seem like alien food. I stopped trying and stopped caring. I made lemon tea.

I want Pat to be here. I'm listening to Emily Jane White. I feel like my old self again. It's not great. I feel like laziness and eating everything. I am going to Mom's Saturday morning, and we'll buy healthy vegetables. Oscars are Sunday. We've settled on barbeque I think. Burnt meat seems like cancer. So our lives are eating whatever and getting sick and paying high medical bills and getting sad then dying, with a lot of fun and games and searching for meaning in the middle.
So I am going to Craig's place on Monday. I have to call him Sunday. What's it like in his head? What's his life like? I saw him on youtube. I realized it's dangerous for me to form an alternate idea of him. A one sided relationship in which I watch him and judge him.

Okay. I'm done. Bye.

I accidentally ended on a negative. Craig and going to meet him has made me feel very positive about my future and the planet's future.
I love life. I love myself and everyone. Good good bye.

Doodoo

I fucked it. Aaron just left for Boston. I came home from the airport. I was thinking that his wise, reasonable words curb my jumbled, dramatic thoughts. I pulled into the parking spot, but I guess I thought the gas was the brake and I slammed into the stones in front of the spot. It felt like an attack. I hit my face on the wheel. I thought there'd be blood in my teeth, but I just tasted a little. I felt very stupid and predictable. I hit my knees on the steering column. It's broke. I couldn't turn the wheel much. I put a headlight case back on. My license plate is dented. The car won't start. I'm supposed to go to Johnson's Backyard Garden to volunteer tomorrow morning. Maybe I should call to get it fixed. Very embarrassing. Waste of money. Someone with a car to take me there early (8) tomorrow.
What the hell. I feel like I'm not going now. I guess it should be fixed, or maybe new car. I have no money and no job prospects. I love everything but it's so pointless. Damn God on beech... sheeet.... faaaakkkkee rrrrrrr. I miss Aaron already. Just four months to go. Who to do? What to go? Where to be? How to say?

Depressing grey day. 15,000,000,000 blowsnobs. I tried. I try. I am a little, feeble, bleak, tossed salada.
What kinds of things are good. Julie. Hang out, walk, talk to julie. ... Okay... Bye, freend.

Social

Why do I avoid activity and social interaction?

Am I afraid of something?

I'm afraid that I will really enjoy myself, and that everything will seem perfect and I'll love the light and love the air on my skin and in my lungs, and love the sounds, and then I'll be overwhelmed with perfect feelings and I'll be so happy that I want to cry, but someone will be there and I won't want them to see me cry, and I'll feel awkward and wrong, and I'll imagine that this person hates me and wants me to die and then I'll want to die, also I'll want to die because I don't want this perfect moment to end and give way to an unperfect moment. Also, I'm afraid that everything will go perfectly, and when I should be happy, instead I'll feel nothing and I'll think that nothing can really make me feel anything and I'll think that there is no point to anything.

So that is a problem. I'm listening to Zombies by Sunset, over and over, maybe I cannot lose all my bright happy senses while I hear this wonderful song. 

It is all in my head. What keeps me in my head? What stops me from calling him and taking a chance? Because it is so unsure. Anything can happen, and that scares me. I want to stay in my apartment, where I can control most of what happens and I am around familiar things, and the only thing that scares me is being trapped here and hating it and feeling nothing and missing out on everything beautiful outside of these walls.

Why should life be much more beautiful outside of these walls than inside of these walls? Why should I believe that the outside world is really there and I'm not just a brain? Because my brain is the outside world, because it's all the same. It's all the consciousness of a divine entity. All matter and energy and non-matter and non-energy is one simple thought, but not the kind of thought that a brain thinks, a much wider, simpler thought, like a pop, like a ring from a tuning fork, like Om, like the deepest breath ever. 

That's my take on it. Good bye now.

A dream, a night, and a morning.

On the second floor of a nice old condo with my family. I dunno. Wiating for relatives to come, getting ready for a party. It's crowded. Food, kitchen. Mom. Holy roman empire. Senate buildings, tall columns, old brown concrete. Cloudy day, only sunlight comes into room. I am accused of falsely applying for credit. Only someone else can apply for you. It doesn't make sense. The judges wear red and are stern and commanding. I am sentenced, exiled. We're on a city on top of a mountain. I am dressed all in black and painted black. I start walking away, then something forces me swiftly out of the city lower to cliffs. I am falling trying to avoid stone walls and columns. I redo  this fall a few times like it's a video game. Then I just soar off a cliff, flying towards a stone wall, I worry about breaking all my bones. I step off it. I'm falling almost parallel to the ground far below. I fall towards a forest. Long thin trees. I see large eagles everywhere sitting in the treetops, they look hostile, I don't want to smack into one.  I grab onto the top branches and swing around on them trying to slow my self down and lower myself safely to the ground. The tree bends incredibly and I transfer to another tree. I do get to the ground and roll unharmed. I feel as if I am only about a tenth as tall as thought I was. I see a school, several buildings  and people outside close by. I don't want to be seen, in case of trespassing or something. It's about dusk. There seems to be some public gathering, barbecue or something, behind maybe the school cafeteria. It is all unbecoming. I am thirsty so I go to an ice tea dispenser, but when I pull the tab a little bit of brown tea ice sticks out and stops, looks really syrupy. Some woman, like a lunch lady, comes to help, but I just take the lid off the dispenser and use my styrofoam cup to scoop some icy tea. I drink some thinking it will be way too sweet, but I'm thirsty enough not to care, the ice is nice.

That's my dream, beam. The Roman senate part was more psychedelic and technical than I can remember.

Last night Pat skipped work. Mom called me, made me feel uncomfortable and guilty. She talked to pat for a few minutes. Pat decided on Popeye's for dinner. We watched Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol and made fun of it, not that that was our intention. Sawyer from lost had a lot to do with it. We always made fun of Lost. We paused it in the middle to get ice cream from amy's. Delicious mexican vanilla.

Patrick and I watched a two hour youtube video called an evening with Kevin Smith. I don't like him much, but he's pretty funny sometimes and says some smart stuff.

Both having a job and not having a job seem ridiculous. Pat and I went to HEB because he wanted Zingers, even though he knows hostess doesn't exist anymore. He bought some Krimpets by tastycakes and a bag of caesar salad kit. People there. I looked at some. I wonder what they do. 

There was a pallet of ramen noodles about 8 feet high. I wonder how there is so much food around. There is not a lot more to life than food. I want to see what Craig's farm is like. Only two acres, like a big garden. His email scares me. I cannot call someone. I cannot answer phone calls. 

Listening to tobacco was thick. Headachey. I listen to Michelle Blades now. Wispy. Clear, tall, night, lights, thin, soft, cold, smooth. Strawberry ghost feels good. New weird america, folks. Sing a song. Cripple. Sensual, crying.