title...

Maybe mayber what the fuck!@!

I lucking fuvv GracieHInaBox! Michele is cool! So young and so Old videos!! I am only I a little years younger than them... Youtube, just talking to a camera looking interesting, thinking out loud, living openly... Makes living possible makes one feel included and important...

I keep watching porn and masturbating... It sucks... I am not myself... I am a lesser being... I am an animal.

Are other animals capable of transcendence? Are humans? If so, what would the purpose of transcendence.
Transcendence is controlling your instincts (such as not masturbating just because you can) and working towards a higher goal, such as whatever exists in your best dreams, then not being overly concerned with worldly matters and caring infinitely about what eternity will be like for everyone...

Daily Grace, July 25th 2013, "That's a human thing! I'm surrounding myself with it... Not human, alive. I have a hard time distinguishing between alive and just human. Neither here nor there."

Watching so much grace helbig... I am not sure that I am alive... That sounds a bit like transcendence..

I love... ... ellipses... Nothing ever ends... All being are immortal... Space and time are infinite...

i want to be creative... suck... read bros karamoozoovoo.... Kazoo [: bye kneegrows iluvu 

My story

What will I do on Saturday. Complete stupid isolation. Writing a story. Developing a interactive adventure. Expanding the minds of useless fart hounds like myself. That is me. Getting a worthless job to live in a place where I contribute less that the average 8 year old American. Wanting to burn down the sky. Wanting to run away and live with simple people. Wanting a woman who loves me unconditionally. Wanting an easy existence.

My blood feels sticky. My muscles feel like they're fighting themselves. My penis wants to separate from my body. I have devilish dreams. I want to slap my loved ones on the face. Hard. I want to break limestone bricks on my hand. I am listening to the DO... Oh. I want to whittle away. I want to bake myself. I want to make a grand beautiful meal out of myself and feed a large community for a year. Then I want them to build a school and name it after me. Then I want to make it rain when things gets thirsty for 5000 years.
I want to make a thousand dollars a week for doing whatever I want to do. I want to have a dance party with Kit in his house. Then I want us to install an in-ground pool in his back yard in one night then have an underwater light show and dance party, then someone drowns and we all cry buckets at the funeral and it rains and we write an awesome book that everyone reads.

-A few hours gap here-

I must be someone else. I cannot do what I do if I am me. I do what this body is. There is a soul in this body. I am responsible for the well being and future of this body. My soul is lost. It is travelling thru this body. There is a consciousness in this body. Sometimes it is separate from the body, sometimes the soul leaves this body, the body is alone and acts out against this soul. The consciousness puts what the body senses into words and order. The soul tries to tell the consciousness the right thing to do. Living in New York, I would work at a soup kitchen. I would be Flynn's son, Paul Dano. I would be brave and honest.

Mom, Tim, Pat and I saw Lone Ranger. I like the subject of the old west. I hate the formula for jokes that is everywhere today. It's all about awkwardness. The funniest part was Tonto stepping off the ladder then it shattering on the tree. Nevermind... I didn't enjoy most of the movie. I shouldn't have seen it, but I am lost. I had a small crisis in the shower. I was nervous about the job interview. And I was still upset about the gross mutant babies shitting blood and being fingered hospital apocalyptic dream I had. I thought how it might help me try to prevent the world from becoming hell. There are hellish places, situations on Earth right now, so I should do something. Working at this disc golf warehouse does not seem like enough. Then I resigned to waste my life, because it is too dificult to change the world I guess. I am not capable.

I have to try to tell Stacy. I have not shaved my unibrow in a while. It is sort of a test for people to see if they care or think I need to shave it because that is normal and acceptable. It makes me a little self conscious. I wonder if someone will say anything. It is fun for me. Frieda Kahlo. How much of my time should be spent trying to look good?

This Must be the Place was good. It made me feel, almost cry, laugh loudly. It was a lot like Everything Is Illuminated. That one had a more serious core and the passing moments were lighter. This must be the place had a lighter core, but the filler, in-between content was more serious, like him saying People say My life will be that until a certain age then they say That's life.

What is the real story, The beginning the end where you are what you affect. It's all so vague. So killing me. I am between myself and everything. Such a huge menacing gap. I have to fill my car's tires with air.

I am not letting myself be myself. How can I not be myself? Huckabees, i guess. Pleasant meadows, struggling young affluents. Sour souls. Rotting flesh, wet forest, bloody green stump, Stump the Whiz. There is good and bad in me. I have to let the good out and control the bad. That is what everything is. Everything we are. Shameless H Macy, Mad John Ham

I am a reference to a popular night show. I am living on a mountain in a desert. I ate too mmuch ice cream, I thought it was snow, I am a moose I have too much hair. I own too much. Most people cant wipe thier butts properly. Sickness is the most popular disease. Bye bye blue fin... taste... moken... tuse... tope... lomma... crepe... leef... sohm... be agye gye... bugga fi

Bright Screen Outside Fading Light

I am laying up on a bed in the middle bedroom in Mom's house. Mom is watching a program on KLRU about a rich English family from old time. Mom's laptop is on top of my lap. Pillow is behind my head. The sun will set soon. It's pretty bright outside. Mom and I painted the other bedroom today.

It's a bit later now. My butt is weird. I feel like pooping a lot. Mom's watching Masterpiece Mystery I think. I am listening to pigsbum53 ASMR. I masturbated in the shower today thinking about having sex with Nikkin and filling her with semen to a cartoon horror degree. It's quite ridiculous. I want to play Earthbound tomorrow after I get home. Mom and I are going to arrange the furniture in the bedroom tomorrow. It has not been a bedroom for a long time.

Aaron and I walked yesterday. We talked about Bottle Rocket because we had just watched it. I talked about Ashley. He talked about understanding and friends.

Mom gave me some jobs to apply for. I don't know if I would prefer to work for Aaron's dad. I suppose I should try to get a job in Austin first. I really envy and admire rootless people who move around with ease. Like how Max used to just camp and live outside and use his car and shower at friends' houses.

This screen is really bright. I feel I should be outside. When this video is over, I'll go. Less than one minute. I'll hit some golf balls. Or shoot a basketball.

byebye

Westinner

The point of writing. The point of living. I make an explosion. The world of cities. Tall towers. Fires in the sky. Night lights for adults wearing diapers, drooling syrup. Tall, long haired ladies and gentlemen fall out of windows thousands of feet above the earth, arms and legs flapping against the wind. Black clothes, black hair, black wind. Share our lives. Laser pulleys


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Vacation to California

Wednesday
Lorena, Kit, and Mom picked us up from the apartment at little after three in the afternoon. A few hours before I played Earthbound and saved it right after I got to Fourside, which I mention because I thought about playing almost every day on vacation, not that it took away from my enjoyment of the vacation, but it might have.

We found the train station after some driving and went inside. It was empty and looked pretty old. We left our bags in the office with the clerk. We walked to Hut's and ate burgers. We went to Whole Foods and bought travelling food. We got vanilla snaps, which tasted nice and had a unexpected pleasant texture. Mom impulsively took shortbread cookies off the shelf and bought them. They were great and had a coconut flavor. I ate most of them. 

We waited for the train to pull up then got on easily. It was exciting. I looked out the window a lot. I got my book out right away but ended up reading only one chapter. There was a pretty and spacious observation car. Sleeping was difficult while sitting. Each of us slept no more than six hours for the two nights. San Antonio was fun. We had a four hour layover there. We ate Mexican food and drank Margeritas. We walked a lot, so I fell asleep when we got on the train, but not for long.

Thursday
We had a hour in Tuscon, so we walked around and ate at a pizza place.

Friday
We got to L.A. just about dawn.We played Star Fluxx in a courtyard and ate at Denny's while waiting for our rental car. Our Motel 6 was in Hollywood. It was being renovated, but I liked it. We had to wait an hour to check in, so we walked to Hollywood Boulevard and saw the Walk of Fame and Graumman's Chinese Theater with the celebrity hoof prints. Pat took a photo of me with my hand on Shirley Temples hand print. Humphrey Bogart had the best inscription. When we got back and got our rooms, we showered right away, after not being able to on the train a whole day. We felt much better. Mom said the only shower that felt better was the one she took after she gave birth to Patrick. We took a much needed nap.

We drove to Venice Beach and met Kelly. I liked the boardwalk, the wide beach, the views, and the variety of humanity. We heard a girl sing and play guitar. On the way back Tim bought her CD. Mom took a photo of the mural from L.A. story. We walked a long time to Santa Monica. It was chilly. We walked around an amusement park and saw the end of route 66 sign. We ate at a place Kelly suggested called Big Dean's and saw Hani, which surprised us.

Saturday
We slept very well for a change. We drove around L.A. the next morning. We ate at a small donut shop. We drove up Mulholland and stopped at a scenic overlook above the Hollywood Bowl and near the Hollywood sign. We drove thru Beverly Hills and Rodeo Drive. I liked the tall palms along the street. They turned into pines. We skipped Griffith Park. I wanted to go, but I didn't mind at all, since there was so much else to do. We went to Solvang and experienced the Danish capital of America. We ate good Danish style food at The Mustardseed. The drive was really nice, oceany and mountainy. We got to Santa Barbara and found a beach next to some tall cliffs and dipped our feet in the water. We went to town and took a sweet, chilly walk on the pier and saw the full moon reflect off the ocean. We got pizza from Rusty's, went to a Motel 6 in Goleta, and ate junk from Walgreen's.

Sunday
There was a Rusty's right near our motel that we saw in the morning. We had a long day of driving. Kit drove most of it. We drove on high, winding mountain roads on the Pacific Coast Highway. We stopped in Pismo for a while and ate too much saltwater taffy. Some of the flavors were pretty tasty. We went to Morro  Bay. There was heavy fog. We went to Morro Rock. It was grand and beautiful. It was my favorite. We went behind it and walked on a beach and on some big rocks. We ate seafood. I had delicious Cajun Cod. We tried to go to Hearst Castle, but the tours were closed. We walked thru a museum. I didn't really care. The castle looked nice from far away down a hill. The property was huge, 82,000 acres or so of ranches with cows. We stopped at a fancy hotel near Big Sur and looked at awesome coast views. Kit got gas before leaving the mountains. It was almost six dollars a gallon. It was a tiny station, and there was a restaurant and a tiny charter school next to it. Mom said it was a hippie hangout. It felt like a sanctuary. We drove to Salinas for In and Out Burger. I saw some pretty girls there, who I tried to stare at. We slept in Marina at a lovely Motel 6.

Monday
We got a bunch of junk from a drugstore, had donuts, and drove to Monterey. We walked around Cannery Row, not too exciting. We found the Aquarium and spent a while there. Jellyfish are very cool and strange. Big fish were fun. Giant octopus were shy. Leopard Sharks are pretty. Hammerheads. Rays are neat. Saw eight seals.
We stopped in San Juan Bautista, after driving thru tall eucalyptus trees. It was cold. I left my sweater in the car. The mission was pretty as were the views. We saw the stables from Vertigo. The tower was movie magic. There was a cool Jesus statue. The mission was founded on June 24th, which is Mom's birthday, and I didn't actually think of this until now, but it was that day. It's over 200 years old. There was a locked gate leading to a leafy graveyard. We walked on the main street, looking for food, and all we found was the Happy Rooster. They had Italian food and sandwiches. I got a turkey melt and balsamic salad. It was all good and lots of food. No one else was there. We decided to skip Muir Woods that day.
We left and drove to Santa Cruz. There was a crap carnival on the boardwalk that Mom did not know about. We left right away. We drove thru UC Santa Cruz. It was foggy and the trees and hills were beautiful.  Going toward San Francisco we saw a cool beach, so Kit stopped. We all went barefoot and walked in the water a little. Pat and I ran to a rocky outcrop jutting into the ocean. Kit came too. We climbed up and took photos. We found a small cave. The tide was coming in. Mom and Tim got there later. Tim saw the cave. Mom worried about the tide. We saw a seal or sea lion poke its head out the water. Tim and I ran back. Chariots of Fire. I took a lot of photos with Kit's camera. We washed our feet off with ocean water from a litter jug. I saw a jawbone and makeshift headstone for "what I think was a seal." We got to San Fran at night. It looked interesting. We ate at Tim's regular pizza joint, Piraat, about 10. This was Mom's birthday. Kit, Pat, and I got a sausage, jalepeno pizza. Mom had pepperoni and said it was the best pizza she had ever had. We crashed at the Beresford Arms, 6th floor.

Tuesday
I went to the lobby to get a bunch of free food for breakfast. We went out pretty early and walked to Downtown. It was misty. We went to a cafe called Bistro for coffees. We walked a lot this day. Went thru chinatown, walked up very steep hills, saw the crookedest street from the bottom a little ways away, and went to Coit tower where Mom had to use the bathroom and eat, which I mention, because she had a hard time with the hills, and I worried a bit about her. We went to City Lights bookstore. I bought A Coney Island of the Mind, because Aaron said too, and I was intrigued. Mom bought Cannery Row and Hocus Pocus. We walked to Fisherman's Wharf and got hot dogs and clam chowder in sourdough bowl and Ben and Jerry's. We walked around and saw a sea lion swim around the docks, and it kept poking its head up and looking around like it was confused. On a short walk to Ghiradelli Square, Kit bought a sourdough loaf. We went into a store and a cute girl gave us chocolate. She sounded Russian, because we were next to Russian Hill. I wanted to talk to her but was embarrassed. We looked at the crooked street from above, but that was not a good view. On the long walk back to the hotel, we went into Trader Joe's and Kit bought butter and cheese to make grilled cheese with his bread. I bought a bottle of wine for $2.50. We got back to the hotel after six and ate really good grilled cheese sandwiches.

Wednesday
We headed out about 9:30 and ate real nice at Honey Honey crepery. We caught a bus. I told everyone about a new video game idea, improved from Kung Foo Trouble, called Reign of Cold Fire. We rode to Haight. I stood up for a while and got really nauseous. There was a pretty Asian girl with tattoos, who Kit sat next to. We walked to Golden Gate park and walked thru the botanical garden. Lots of beautiful plants. I took a few pictures, one of which, one of a sequoia, is my phone background. Really big trees. I liked tit. Fragrance garden. I like coconut smell, little purple flower. We walked to Alamo Square. Tim and I took a grace-face photo. It was a pretty place. We went to city hall, big and ornate.Walked back to hotel, rested a while. Went for Chinese food. I accidentally ordered tofu and couldn't eat much, but the spicy pork was yummy. It was a nice place. Funny host. Went to cross the street grocery for ice cream, cookies. I ate lotta ice cream and drank wine till I had to stop and pour some out. Bed early, limo at six.

Thursday
Woke at 5:30 or so, waited in lobby for a bit, then limo came. Pat saw the guy out the window tuck in his shirt. He was nice and put our bags in the trunk. Little ways to airport. Got some food. Only food I bought. Pastries, milk, coffee. Waited a while. Kit got us on later flight to get free ticket vouchers. We shared a burrito and a weird white chocolate cappuccino. We played Star Fluxx. Pat slept. There was a girl with cool blonde hair at our gate. I saw her laptop, and it looked like she was on blogger.com. I wanted to sit next to her on plane, but she got on after us, and we sat in back. Didn't see where went, lost her forever [: hah. We stopped in Los Angeles. The views were very cool. I read a chapter of Karamazov. I listened to Mom's iPod. There was a beautiful cloud village. Shadows were amazing. Landing is always rough. I saw Austin from plane. We went to Kit's house and that is basically the end. Mom finally got her birthday cupcakes. Mini cheesecakes Lorena made. Blackberry jam was my favorite [I always stop myself from typing a 'u' in favourite.]

Real Life begins again.