I am at the apartment alone. Tim works. Pat is at class. I dropped him off 30 minutes ago. I went to Dittmar park to throw discs, but it was crowded and some women looked like they were going to the picnic table or a spot near the basket. I was embarrassed to be seen and embarrassed that I was uncomfortable being around people.
Monday night I went to bed about 2 am, after we beat Arkham Horror. Then, I watched porn and ASMR for 3 hours, which is astounding. I watched a lot of Kink.com and Public Disgrace videos. One aroused me intensely, but all made me sad for the people in them. (My stomach feels upset.) I had told myself a short time earlier that I would not masturbate except on Saturday, so I can break the habit. After three hours of compulsive porn watching, I decided it would be better to masturbate, so I would go to sleep. The next day I thought how stupid I was last night.
I brought this up, because part of me wants to watch porn and masturbate right now. A bigger, better part of me does not. I felt uneasy opening the apartment door, knowing I'd be alone. I need to think of Domino as a judge. Every few minutes I'll think of porn and think yeah, that's a good idea. Oh... I want to read, or a small, noble part of me wants to read. It seems like a paradox that I want to be my idea of a better person, but I almost never want to do things that make me closer to that person. Maybe better is not a useful word. I guess it's self-actualization. I need to be completely me. I don't need to, but I want to, and I think that is the point of life or something... I always think about Aaron, when I wonder what I should do or I try to analyze myself.
Chrishna is my new band name. Cupboardry Coventry. Coala Cangaroo.
My free writes on the other blog may be useless. I guess I want to stop this and read Brothers Karamazov. I still want to eat crap and porn and pleasure myself. I have to lay on the floor, because it sounds like the best option and I want to.
I did that for a minute. Domino partly distracted me. I coughed and wanted to type that I've been stopped up nasally, and I wonder why. I need to be outside. OK, I go. byby
... Later:
I walked across the road, but it was too cold and I decided reading is better anyway. Earlier I thought of porn and masturbating, then I said Jesus, and it seemed like I was praying for self-control and a way to purge these thoughts from myself. I don't think Jesus was or is special. I think everything has divinity in it. Everything is responsible for its own existence and the existence of everything else.
Corridoors of Time. Chrono Trigger soundtrack. That must be my favourite game of all time. I am so British and Sophisticated. Aham.. Colonial Beach Bargin Blasphemy. Bented Toyota Popular Afrowagen.
Shut it, Schristie!!! Sofochist. That word just led me to researching the origin of Masochist and Masoch and Amerigo and Emmerich. So America's name may come from a germanic name meaning "home power". That sounds appropriate.
Most importantly, I am obsessed with Dodger Leigh now, watching Coffeh Time excessively.
Like something. Again, Me or, Now, I say. Well, No. Because, Now, I am, Be Well. I am a good solid American Male man, waiting to exhale... Amen...
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Future is Suppppppeeeerrrrrrrr :{RLBSER{p0itvq;9uyghi
Simply, I am at my life. It is so nice here. In my mom's house. I lived for 17 years. I could stay, but that is not living. I'll be back. I have to make a contribution to the fullest of my ability, or else it's a waste. I have to go to Craig's. I have to learn as much as I can. I have to be healthy and take care of myself in order to help the world and people.
I listened to Neutral Milk Hotel. Now I listen to Gifted Children. Both beautiful to the brink of disbelief. I dreamed about watching movies and making movies and topless girls and weird body positions and running away and old friends and their dads and a flooded park and a sick cat, Buddy, and he laid in the water and I thought he would drown so I picked him up and he was dry and alive and took him inside and there was candy and I had promised Max's dad I would see an action movie about a boat, even we and other men had seen an action movie that day already, I sat next to JD in the theater and said it is like renting a movie and he said we are renting the movie. Oh, yeah, I dreamed I saw Ranisha, but she was much more attractive and was dressed quite interestingly, and we ran to each other and embraced and kissed sort of sloppily.
I wrote a song in my head: I want to golf in the middle of a thunderstorm, get struck by lightening, go to the hospital, and eat lots of jello, cake, and candy.
I am the man who has everything, but I'm not happy.
I am the man who has everything, but it's not funny.
I told my mom that one thing I enjoy about doing work or something I don't want to do, but I know I should do, is that it allows me to enjoy even more thinking about and doing things I want to do that do not accomplish anything but give me pleasure and perhaps pleasure to others involved.
I also enjoy the sense of accomplishment in getting a job done, but unless I really believe in the job, that does not motivate me much.
I have to get ready in one hour. I love morning. I like it even more when I have something to do. I finished a chapter in Brothers Karamazov called A Hymn and a Secret. I made sure to understand it all. In the middle, I worried that I would not remember the words, just the ideas. I reread a bit and posted a section of dialogue in Facebook. Alyosha recalled someone's words twice in that chapter. He recalled an entire conversation.
Mom bought a tomato and a grapefruit at the Producer's Market. I masturbated 3 times yesterday within eight hours. Glah! Quite stupid. I think it's quite selfish for both people involved in love making. I don't understand it. I think that they are keeping each other from doing something more important. I guess it feels amazing, but there are people severely suffering nearby. I am usually keeping myself from doing more important things, usually not by masturbating, but watching netflix or listening to music or surfing the web. Or something like this. But this is supposed to be self-improvement so that I can understand what to do for myself so that I can understand what to do for everyone and everything.
Asmr video. I love to look at pretty girls so much sometimes my mind goes blank. Mom and I watched Queen of Versailles on Sunnight. I thought of that yesterday. Instead of saying SunDAY night, just say the beginning of the day's name and replace day with night. I think it's cool! This female has a nice voice. I don't know why I am nervous about seeing Craig again. I have to tell him I need to leave by 3:30, so I hope he does not mind.
I'm drinking so much green tea, I am so freaking pumped! Hot Rod, Andrea Gaylord. A pretty old actress on TCM, her life in Hollywood. Mom looked at Californian hotels online while working at ACC, last night. I look forward to that state. Sometimes I think I want to find an excuse to stay and work in California. We walked in the Elgin graveyard. I took pictures of gravestones and made jokes about them in texts to Tim. Mom talked to Pat on the phone. I found some graves with the last name Rader, and I texted Nikkin.
I texted her a lot but no response. It makes me a little sad. I like the idea of her now. I miss her. She seems rather unique, interesting, and brave. I might like to be her boyfriend person. I cannot separate her from the oral sex she gave me, but that just seems like a strange, unbelievable, and ill-conceived moment. I thought that I miss Andrea yesterday, but I only miss her body and kissing her. I miss Julie and Ashley a lot. I am going to call Aaron tonight, and that makes me nervous. I miss Stacy. She is very attractive to me. I think my excessive masturbating made me more horny, which sucks. I have to restrain myself for as long as I can. I am getting head tingles a lot this morning.
OK this could go on forever (King of Versailles), Bye bye now!!!!!!!!!!! Seeeeee yaaaaaaaaaaaaaSRKNBAERK
I listened to Neutral Milk Hotel. Now I listen to Gifted Children. Both beautiful to the brink of disbelief. I dreamed about watching movies and making movies and topless girls and weird body positions and running away and old friends and their dads and a flooded park and a sick cat, Buddy, and he laid in the water and I thought he would drown so I picked him up and he was dry and alive and took him inside and there was candy and I had promised Max's dad I would see an action movie about a boat, even we and other men had seen an action movie that day already, I sat next to JD in the theater and said it is like renting a movie and he said we are renting the movie. Oh, yeah, I dreamed I saw Ranisha, but she was much more attractive and was dressed quite interestingly, and we ran to each other and embraced and kissed sort of sloppily.
I wrote a song in my head: I want to golf in the middle of a thunderstorm, get struck by lightening, go to the hospital, and eat lots of jello, cake, and candy.
I am the man who has everything, but I'm not happy.
I am the man who has everything, but it's not funny.
I told my mom that one thing I enjoy about doing work or something I don't want to do, but I know I should do, is that it allows me to enjoy even more thinking about and doing things I want to do that do not accomplish anything but give me pleasure and perhaps pleasure to others involved.
I also enjoy the sense of accomplishment in getting a job done, but unless I really believe in the job, that does not motivate me much.
I have to get ready in one hour. I love morning. I like it even more when I have something to do. I finished a chapter in Brothers Karamazov called A Hymn and a Secret. I made sure to understand it all. In the middle, I worried that I would not remember the words, just the ideas. I reread a bit and posted a section of dialogue in Facebook. Alyosha recalled someone's words twice in that chapter. He recalled an entire conversation.
Mom bought a tomato and a grapefruit at the Producer's Market. I masturbated 3 times yesterday within eight hours. Glah! Quite stupid. I think it's quite selfish for both people involved in love making. I don't understand it. I think that they are keeping each other from doing something more important. I guess it feels amazing, but there are people severely suffering nearby. I am usually keeping myself from doing more important things, usually not by masturbating, but watching netflix or listening to music or surfing the web. Or something like this. But this is supposed to be self-improvement so that I can understand what to do for myself so that I can understand what to do for everyone and everything.
Asmr video. I love to look at pretty girls so much sometimes my mind goes blank. Mom and I watched Queen of Versailles on Sunnight. I thought of that yesterday. Instead of saying SunDAY night, just say the beginning of the day's name and replace day with night. I think it's cool! This female has a nice voice. I don't know why I am nervous about seeing Craig again. I have to tell him I need to leave by 3:30, so I hope he does not mind.
I'm drinking so much green tea, I am so freaking pumped! Hot Rod, Andrea Gaylord. A pretty old actress on TCM, her life in Hollywood. Mom looked at Californian hotels online while working at ACC, last night. I look forward to that state. Sometimes I think I want to find an excuse to stay and work in California. We walked in the Elgin graveyard. I took pictures of gravestones and made jokes about them in texts to Tim. Mom talked to Pat on the phone. I found some graves with the last name Rader, and I texted Nikkin.
I texted her a lot but no response. It makes me a little sad. I like the idea of her now. I miss her. She seems rather unique, interesting, and brave. I might like to be her boyfriend person. I cannot separate her from the oral sex she gave me, but that just seems like a strange, unbelievable, and ill-conceived moment. I thought that I miss Andrea yesterday, but I only miss her body and kissing her. I miss Julie and Ashley a lot. I am going to call Aaron tonight, and that makes me nervous. I miss Stacy. She is very attractive to me. I think my excessive masturbating made me more horny, which sucks. I have to restrain myself for as long as I can. I am getting head tingles a lot this morning.
OK this could go on forever (King of Versailles), Bye bye now!!!!!!!!!!! Seeeeee yaaaaaaaaaaaaaSRKNBAERK
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