One day I went to the poetry foundation online, because Aaron told me about it and I wanted to do something good and perhaps worthwhile. I read an article about Leigh Stein's Dispatch from the Future. Later on, I was interested in her poetry and I searched her on google and eventually found a site that posted a poem of hers. While there, I read a poem by xTx, and then I went to xTx's blog. I looked at what xTx was following and saw ben brooks lives here and read some of his blog. Days later, I revisit his blog and read more and find a post from Lily Dawn and links to her pages. So I followed and absorbed what I could. I think she is very cute, and I like that she is a bit older and I like her videos and her writings and I want to boyfriend her.
Now, Stuff -
I want to go to Julie's birthday tomorrow. I am very nervous to do that. I will most likely be out of place. I try to imagine talking to someone. I could tell them that I am practicing socializing. That's basically the reason I want to go, to practice being around people. Also I want to see the people and experience the pleasures of the situation. I'd like to prove that I am worth something, but I'm not sure what I am worth or how to prove it. I am very nervous about seeing Andrea there. It seems like I'd ruin her time if she saw me.
I imagine I seem quite pathetic to people. There was a woman in Target today. I have to go out before 11 am tomorrow. Tomorrow seems busy, but it's not really, relatively it is. I mean this day, this Thursday.
The woman in Target looked very nice. I got slightly sad thinking that I was in no position to talk to her or be of interest to her. I am a little worried that I am getting fat. That is silly, but I know I want to and should eat better. I've felt like listening to Dr. Dog's I Hope There's Love this night.
I thought, I don't want a job. I ignored a call today. I imagine it was from someone I asked for a job. I also ignored a call from Stacy and I miss her. She's my therapist, who I can't afford to see until I answers calls about jobs. I need to see her and talk about how I'm anxious about getting a job.
I see Kit tomorrow. He makes me nervous. I want to break things. I should sleep.
I feel like watching porn, but I am never going to again. I haven't in over a week and it feels great.
I hate this screen. My body is not doing well. Good Bye Now! ilove goodbye, bye bye, see people, nigght ayes
