Friday, June 14, 2013
aaron stacy
Best Friend versus Therapist. Or Best Friend and Best Therapist are Best Friends, good for me. Two sides of my psyche. I think Aaron knows a lot more than Stacy, and I want to say that he makes a lot more sense. Maybe because he leads the conversations he has with me and I get absorbed in his thoughts and make them my own and there is no friction and all is right. I lead my conversations with Stacy, and I don't know what I am talking about. I get lost in her presence and wanting it to go so well that I don't need any help, maybe the helpful things she says get mixed up with the incomprehensible things I say. Maybe I am being purposely self-deprecating. She wants me to let myself feel my feelings. I want to feel her. I wanted to hug her at the end, but I think she would have rather not. She says Aaron and I get lost in our heads and disconnected from the present moment of feeling our own feelings, and that we try to analyze everything and connect with the outside world so that we do not feel our own feelings or feel at all. Aaron talks about feelings as a way to understand what it means to be himself and to be in his place in life. I am exhausted by analyzing everything in a conclusive way. I will analyze things as long as I feel like it. I like to feel things happen to me. I don't like to have any affect on anything. What I like and what is best generally for all are probably not the same.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Traveler Sitting
2nd cup of coffee. Listen to Laura Lemure. 9:46 a.m. Porn... I hate it and myself. I lost all will power and self control. I am in a nebulous space. I have confined myself. I had peanut butter on toast. Welsh accent. Nino Kuni, Bender's Big Score. I tried to sleep on the couch. It was off and on. At six something I slept in the bed. Tomorrow, I have to go help Aaron move in temporarily, then I have to be back here Thursday to let the AC people work and give them a check.
I have a large infected pore bump or several on the left side of my neck. I can feel the skin stretch when i turn my neck. Tim said he'll bring me pizza rolls tonight, because I said I wanted him too, but he shouldn't even get any and shouldn't drive out here. But he'll get them anyway, because it is a strong habit. I want to read Karamazovs to cleanse myself. I'll get in the pool sometime today. I really want to watch more ApprenticeEh. Gosh I love those Canadians, and the Youtube movie sounds really fun. I love seeing it being made piece by piece almost at the same time that it is really happening. So much energy and beauty. I love to look at and listen to Saskia and Rianna. Their hairs are so cool. And they have cute faces and talk nicely. I like Steven a lot. He has a familiar American personality. I like his look and his mannerisms. I like the locations they vlog in and the hand held close face vlogging is intimate and they always seem earnest.
I don't think I will. It's a sink hole. I need to be creative and write. Writing is more creative than typing. I don't remember any dreams. Pregression. Growing my beard out. I looks crap, but I approve. I could read and write today. I could stop watching Youtube for good. I could take responsibility.
I saw Stacy yesterday. I had to pay for Friday since I cancelled too late. I tried to be real and honest. I always end up talking about unexpected things. I did think about talking about Dad and Terry and grief. I mostly said how strange childhood is and that I cannot relate. I feel shame in a strange way. Abstract shame, shame was on at least twice last night. I restarted it to see Carey Mulligan naked but I didn't stay to see her. I masturbated to breastfeeding adult women and a sick music video compilation of facefucking, I really hate that word/phrase, not as much as myself right now. I have to redeem myself. I don't want to be more like Aaron. I want to be myself. I want to be whole.
It's 10:15. 30 minutes go by. If one uses it well, there is so much time to go around. Vacation. I have to set goals and do difficult work so that I have something to vacation from. Money will run out right after we back. Have to buy organic local vegetables, have to slough my intestines clean. I should weigh 20 fecal pounds less and 20 muscle pounds more. Want to watch Stranger Than Paradise.
The Living Wake is amazing. I want to suggest it to Aaron and Mom. I took a nice short walk at dusk. Where will this day go? I think I dreamed about a full, messy litter box. I need to go outside, write, read, read, write. Dance, think, be still, and stretch, and communicate, and reflect.
Done
I have a large infected pore bump or several on the left side of my neck. I can feel the skin stretch when i turn my neck. Tim said he'll bring me pizza rolls tonight, because I said I wanted him too, but he shouldn't even get any and shouldn't drive out here. But he'll get them anyway, because it is a strong habit. I want to read Karamazovs to cleanse myself. I'll get in the pool sometime today. I really want to watch more ApprenticeEh. Gosh I love those Canadians, and the Youtube movie sounds really fun. I love seeing it being made piece by piece almost at the same time that it is really happening. So much energy and beauty. I love to look at and listen to Saskia and Rianna. Their hairs are so cool. And they have cute faces and talk nicely. I like Steven a lot. He has a familiar American personality. I like his look and his mannerisms. I like the locations they vlog in and the hand held close face vlogging is intimate and they always seem earnest.
I don't think I will. It's a sink hole. I need to be creative and write. Writing is more creative than typing. I don't remember any dreams. Pregression. Growing my beard out. I looks crap, but I approve. I could read and write today. I could stop watching Youtube for good. I could take responsibility.
I saw Stacy yesterday. I had to pay for Friday since I cancelled too late. I tried to be real and honest. I always end up talking about unexpected things. I did think about talking about Dad and Terry and grief. I mostly said how strange childhood is and that I cannot relate. I feel shame in a strange way. Abstract shame, shame was on at least twice last night. I restarted it to see Carey Mulligan naked but I didn't stay to see her. I masturbated to breastfeeding adult women and a sick music video compilation of facefucking, I really hate that word/phrase, not as much as myself right now. I have to redeem myself. I don't want to be more like Aaron. I want to be myself. I want to be whole.
It's 10:15. 30 minutes go by. If one uses it well, there is so much time to go around. Vacation. I have to set goals and do difficult work so that I have something to vacation from. Money will run out right after we back. Have to buy organic local vegetables, have to slough my intestines clean. I should weigh 20 fecal pounds less and 20 muscle pounds more. Want to watch Stranger Than Paradise.
The Living Wake is amazing. I want to suggest it to Aaron and Mom. I took a nice short walk at dusk. Where will this day go? I think I dreamed about a full, messy litter box. I need to go outside, write, read, read, write. Dance, think, be still, and stretch, and communicate, and reflect.
Done
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