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I was extremely lethargic, watching Rhett and Link videos for most of the day.
I am almost frantic now. I feel life going by. I feel like I have to do something or I might implode and cease to be. I ate White Castle frozen burgers for breakfast. I ate a black bean burger and tortilla chips and cheddar cheese and cheerios and peanut butter all within about 2 hours.
I have had minimal textual contact. Jan called me, and we talked for a few minutes.
I am very okay at typing.
I'm listening to Modest Mouse. I read my old breakdown of what life is and should be. It was semi-inspirational.
I almost hate getting on facebook. I will ban it from myself for a week.
Reading any of the books I brought almost seems impossible. How am I going to read? Focusing is the most difficult task. It was actually Ugly Casanova that I was listening to.
I think I am addicted to the images of Rhett and Link and the sounds of their voices.
I am acutely aware of not having been outside today.
I had some weird, dramatic dreams.
I have to I have to.
There are one million and one things to say ay ay. I'm not singing, just repeating myself.
I reeally do not feel alive. I like Levek's music.
I cannot feel. All I do is feel. I cannot think. I cannot be. I want to sing.
UI ahve moved to the dining room table.
I feel bad for Traveler, the cat. It's too early to feed him and I am too afraid of anything happening to him and of losing him to let him outside.
I keep thinking that I am insane. Nothing about my behavior indicates sanity.
I am going to Hamilton Pool tom orrow with Ashley Oney. I know her full name. I only have vague ideas of how to connect with her. I think we're only friends because we are both very easy-going and like a lot of the same things.
It frightens me to try to connect with Aaron. It feels like hope, sanity, faith, and existence are at stake in our relationship.
I must be way too serious. I must be way too ungrateful. I am not really either. At least I try not to be.
There is nothing for me to do. I cannot go outside. I could, but I would not be at ease trying to figure out what to do in a place where people can see me. I am afaraind of carpull tunnel sindrome.
I want to eat my own face.
I want to tear off my genitalls.
This makes me think I may not be sane. I don't really want to, but I think I do, because something is frustrating me. Something about my actions, my choices, my personality.
It's the nothingness, the horror. The triviality, the sameness, the oneness, the endlessness.
Eagerness, anticipation, dumbfoundedness. Tastelessness. Brutality. Insanity. Blossoming.
These things in one way or another are killing me and driving me up inside a tree.

I am a peaceful ocean scene. Carolyn bought Toaster a thomas. She sent it in mail. It's in box. It's over roads  in North America. It's unending oneness. It's a trivial map route. Inside the Toaster's brain there's a matchbox. It is creating early human ancestors. There are rainy days on the coast of Oregon. It is becoming night again and night again. There are fires everywhere in the human bodies. Little cats have fires in every little cat hair. There are blazing hairs and there is no relief. There are no days off.
There are no endless hair brains, filling out forms and putting out fires.
There is something in listening to regina Spektor.
We can go everywhere. Perpetually human, suspended and open.
That is good to say, and to ty



pe.
bye

This is something!

Hi, Internet Journal!

It's a wonderful Wednesday! I have not done much today. I made a lot of comments on facebook. That was pretty lame and mildly amusing. I masturbated to Sasha Grey. I should not type that, because I should not have done that. I listen to cool songs on gooveShrark! Modest Mousy stuff and Joanna Newsomy stuff! Page France, Ugly Cassanova, Okkervil River, The Mountain Goats, Levek, Jason Anderson, Lower Dens.
I wrote mein dreams down. Some scary, some ordinary. I play tested my Worldfire deck a lot and changed some cards.
Yesterday, mother came and took us to see Dark Knight Rises. I like the way Bane talks. In his speech on TV it looked like he was going cross-eyed. At one point I wanted to read all about the guy who killed those people at the premier. I didn't really like much about the movie. We drove back to the apartment, and Tim went with us to play tennis. Mom and Tim won 6 games to 4 against Pat and me. We went to Sonic and Double Daves. We went back home, ate, and watched Breaking Bad. I drank almost an entire large Root Beer float, and my stomach hurt later.
If Aaron sees her, asks her, then texts me, I will find out if Paige will allow me to go with her and Aaron to Big Bend next week. I am excited to be close to her for three days. She is exceptionally attractive. I hope that somehow we will touch or kiss... but that is a far off fantasy I am quite sure.
Aaron seems to plan not to go to the beach this summer, and I asked Ashley if the two of us can go. She seems to like the idea. I want to be able to touch and hold her in the tent. I don't know why, but kissing her does not seem possible. I think she will respect her relationship with Ruben when we are alone, but I don't want her to think that that means she and I cannot be intimate while we are on a trip while she has some boyfriend who is not there. That was an ill-constructed sentence. I want to be attractive and interesting to someone who I want to impress, who I think is attractive and interesting. Namely, Ashley or Paige.
I am not sure if my beard is disgusting or ridiculous or if it is actually nice or something.
The picnic with Julie, Aaron, and Peter on Sunday afternoon went well. We walked to the graffiti place. It was hot. Julie and Peter did not deal with the heat well. I suppose Julie was tired from being active all day.
I got to touch her arm a little. Weird.
It seems things are always falling short of their potential, especially conversations, when Aaron is around, because it seems he always tries to make moments more meaningful, partly by talking in a meaningful way, but the people around him, especially me, think that it's enough just being together and living comfortably where ever we are... I speak only for myself.
It's Thursday! It's stupid to be a slave to my desires. I am addicted to Good Mythical Morning.
Not sure what to do.. Okay, I gotta go!!!!!!!
Bye, Lover!
xxooXXoo<3 p="p">