shasha gggerdgtyhjkhljtrygulhj noop

Home, no TV. Mom, no disease. Internet, close mind, so close to me. World wide. Foundation of daily social interaction. Fish. Death. Night, walk, river. Winona Ryder. Face of beauty. Souls sleep. Facebook health discussions. Hazy eyes. Mom comes home soon, hopefully. Hopefully, I am not irretrievably naive. Hopefully, the dogs and family members do not die at the wrong time. If anything happens, it happens at the right time, because that is the time it happened. I died right now. Try to pet Emerson with my foot. He is behind me. Try to ask Aaron about God. Cook shrimp. Don't be embarrassed by this. I have no idea how to eat well. Daisy is alone. All night. The dogs annoy me. No lives are empty. Jovial penguin negro baller, aptitude jetset, be pee niss, player fiscal ficus brain turd, nerd fart, little licks of mexican strip tits, maller man hole joke call phone bone jone, fool, bool... soccer, nobody justerfier.
Stegosaurus Trap... Wonder. My life is empty. I am immediate, unjustified. Where is the water, Where is my life? I'm a hole in a hole. Happy Mothers DAy, mothra. It's a good job. YOu need a cheese grater, grateful, be more of a today human. Slap the bug bites. Good old home. I am the only one who knows. No one's life is the same as another's. Surgically remove insect infections. Young people on the bridge, loud with phones, Horrible mothers, long overdue books. Drowned in the sink, chiropractor.

its over bye, haha, in a good, food (same pronunciation) night boyyyyyyyyyyyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

offday, retry, knowme

I'm at mom's with the dogs and buddy. It's 9 am. I had planned to be at Craig's today now, until last night. I was very tired. I went back and forth between wanting to stay here, not go, and thinking that to go would be best for me, and I should go, and it'll be hard no matter what, difficult, no homeless. I was going to go at eight to do yoga with Craig and the wooffers, but whatever. Evan is going to the hospital unexpectedly I think, so I need to take care of Daisy. I was talking to mom on the phone, and after I told her about evan, and we acknowledged that we felt bad, I started to choke up and struggled to talk without weeping, even though mom would have been understanding and helpful, but I was embarrassed, and the feelings were too difficult to acknowledge. When the call ended I let myself cry. It reminded me of watching In America at this house a few months ago, and when the baby is born, I thought about the kid they had who died, and no matter what this baby will also die, but probably wont be a baby when heshit does... die... daaaaaaaa. I thought of writing a story called The Sad Family, in which sad stuff keeps happening. dogs dying.. hmmm, bad idea

I have got to do yoga soon. shower. masturbate, i dunno, i wanted to watch porn, because I had porny dreams, which I realised were super gross.
At jan's when I slept for about 3 or 4 hours, Later on in the car I remembered that I dreamed I made out with ashley, except she didnt open her mouth and didnt seem to want to kiss, but was okay with letting me pry at her lips with my tongue, and in the car I was disturbed by this, i thought of texting her about it. I drove to Elgin to see mom, MON-night. I think that's when I exclaimed in the car, I'm so fucking weird! I got there just when mom was going for a walk, we walked slow thru tthe graveyard. Listening to dodger, why not. Im so horny.. I cant help you with that. Hah, jim jam... Shim Sham, YOU get in the bawwwx!

I dont know how I was able to be around those people for two days, or eight hours a day two days in a row. I dont really feel like I was myself there. I feel like myself here now. I tried to determine where and when I do feel like myself. The apartment, most of the time when I am alone, hardly ever when I am with people I know. I think I can feel like myself in acrowd, I felt like i was not myself at the metric show, i tried too hard to have fun and enjoy the music and move, dance thing, i only liked a few songs.

I had to go outside to sign for mom's pills. After I got back inside, I pretended to do a vlog, and I jittered and acted weird and jerked and babbled. And tried to explain what I think.

how is you and this?

this is real

I'm not trying to sound any way. I only want to say what I am and know. On the virgin tears, I think about what bothers me about myself and life of me. I see Dodger's face and hear voice and think I want to fuck her so bad. I don't know exactly what that means. I imagined making out with her. It felt like a betrayal and a failure, like I was ruining her image, because I think I was. Within the past few weeks I thought once that the body is the most holy part of a human, because it was given to us. Don't know what holy really means. I mean the body is what we commune thru, it's part of the universe, and our minds feel separate.
Let's talk about me. My back needs to be straighter. My spine is my favorite part of me. It needs my love and attention. I watched Kat Edmondson on Austin City Limits. I danced to a waltz she sang. She sang a slow song and looked about to cry. I do not want to watch SNL now or stay up for it. I feel like it will be hard to sleep tonight. I do not want to unmake the bed here at Jan and Ed's. I am tired and sleepy. I want to lie on the floor or lay on the not tell lies on the floor. I have to go watch SNL, because it could be amazing. Hmm, pretty silly and stupid and weird, comforting, sad, retrospective.

Jesus give me strength! I thought of asking Evan how long he's been a christian. Not when he was baptized but when he decided to be christian.

I watched The girl you wish you hadn't started a conversation with at a party. Some boring jokes, some funny. Dodger talked about gardens, people eating better. I saw a commercial for a phone with a bunch of glass breaking. Made me think it was a waste of glass, wonder what they did with it, wonder why people want to see things destroyed. I thought of a constructive commercial, song, Im making apple streudel for the children upstairs and downstairs. and he is and the environment is safe and creative. Have to go to sleep. Wake up at 8. see iron man, DAMNIT! i have to sit good for it. I have to eat well before and after, have to think about what to eat. CAke! the band, MR mastodon farm!! Fuck Shit! Watts! I am hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, bert erny, weeeerrrrrpppp. OK I am funny and done.

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