This was Cheryl's last night at Pleasant Hill. She sounded a little choked up talking to me just before walking out. I will still work with her on some Saturdays.

I greatly respect her and enjoy her company.

What did I want to type about? I am tired now. I am listening to an ENT exam on youtube. It is very relaxing. British accent. I was listening to Life Without Buildings...

I ate some ground beef with salt and pepper and an apple. I think I'll eat the same thing tomorrow morning. I am also eating some lettuce...

"I am ashamed of my brother for letting the lettuce spoil.
I wish he were a better role model."

Just go to sleep, me... ok

Just just just just

I got up about fifteen minutes ago. I have been in weird moods even for me. I love that the air is getting colder. But I feel like I am in high school again. I feel desperately confused, overwhelmed and out of my own control. I see Stacy tomorrow. Also Kit and I plan to bike. I wanted to text Mom about the weather and wish her a good day. I think I will still do that. I would have but my phone froze.

My hands are masks and twigs. I cannot erase or picture anything. My hands are shaking but I am not cold. They're a little sweaty. My knee sucks, probably because I suck. Can I save the bacteria? I would rather be E coli. I wonder if all my brothers will be here Saturday night. I thought of playing Pandemic, but we may just have time for Small World.

I want to listen to Today More Than Any Other Day right now.

I have been feeling weird because I keep thinking back on all the time I have spent in this apartment and how it will end soon and then I do not know what I should do or what I really want to do.

I feel so young and also that I may be halfway dead.

What do we do!??

All I can think is that Youtube will make me happy. Or at least distract me/lift my mood for a bit...

Grocery shopping is such a huge problem.

Just Canada........ Just Ought....... I am about to cry.

Patrick walked in a few minutes ago in his underwear holding a towel. He is in the shower now.

I do feel like I am in an endless loop. It has to be this time of year. I saw a person sitting in a car in front of the apartment. I imagined they were dead. I wished that someone would die, like my Mom or one of my brothers. Then I imagined Cheryl dying.

I just want so much to change. I want to be shocked into living a life that means something.

Somehow positive.

Composition.

Just... I have next to zero understanding of anything that people do.

and I am a person...

~

I wish I were as excited about eating well and getting my own food as I am about SmallWorld and other games and shows and music and fantasies.

We're moving on. "Bring It Back" Routine Poutine.

Death Teed

I um

Um

Dreamer is beautiful

Dream Beauty

I was everywhere. I saw, heard, and felt everyone and everything.

There was time. We are using time, just like our bodies. Use everything you can.

Glockabelle is fun [:

I set up a two pplayer game of SmallWorld to see if Pat wants to play when he gets home. I think he will be amused and accepting. Tim and I plan to play again with and maybe Kit or Casey on Sunday. Four player would be fun.

I've been watching porn again and jacking off. I stopped both for about two weeks. I was happier then.

I feel dumb and empty. I want to eat something good. There is not really much bad food that tastes good. Pizza rolls don't taste good.

I watched a ton of youtube.

Pat should be here in about an hour.

I am doing almost nothing because Kit cancelled our bike ride to study or sleep or work.

I should ride my bike.

The guy I played last round at Khans, when I said I want to... before playing something, said Ride your bicycle?


I just played "Nature and the Wreck: because it is calm and beautiful.


Bye for NOW~!

Human People

There was a beautiful person at Pleasant Hill yesterday. She worked on a laptop by the windows. She got up a few times to look at books and go to the restroom. I shelved some books near her. I wanted to stare at her, but I only glanced a few times. She had longish orange hair tied in the back, shaved on the side. She wore a white tank top. She had a what seemed to be a perfect body, about 5'6" I think. I didn't get a good look, but her face seemed squarish, gentle, and strong. Her skin was pinkish peach. She seemed European or futuristic.

I felt gross compared to her. I felt creepy when shelving near her. Even without hearing my thoughts, she would think I am creepy. It was somewhat painful to see her or think about her. I wanted to get over her, but that was impossible. I didn't want to think anything about her that did not match her apparent beauty and grace. There was an old guy walking around near her. I hoped he wasn't thinking anything nasty about her. In my head I commanded him not to.

I briefly imagined talking to her, but I felt there was really no way I could. I didn't want to know anything about her for fear that she has glaring personality flaws, interior ugliness. Wanting a perfect woman is quite selfish and sexist of me. I even thought about being intimate with her, just snuggling and petting and kissing, and both of us being silent so as not to ruin anything. In that way I wanted her to be like a pet dog, for us to love each other unconditionally. Even dogs have conditions, basic as they are. I went into the restroom. I looked in the mirror. I thought that I had to kill her. I wondered why I would think that (other than it being something overly dramatic and pseudo-interesting that I have heard from TV and movies.) Part of it is so that no one else can have her, since I can't. The biggest part is just that it pains me to know she exists and that I can't "have her" like a pet. Sex pet. Really I just want her to be happy. It is way too bad that I barely thought of her as a human. It is good that I am realising this though. It's not like I could ever ever be outwardly violent or disrespectful. Of course it takes a lot of work to be respectful, to care about the well being of others as much as mine. But I want to be a better person, just for my own sake. I want to make it easier to live with myself.

Anyway, I hope she is doing well. She looks very beautiful. Everyone should know that.

Hello, I'm Back

I am alive. They are black-skinned or brownish-skinned. The music makes me smile [:

Dilated Peoples - Expansion Team...

Pat is not here. I got home an hour ago.

I am Tim's computer...

Haha, I meant I am on Tim's computer. My laptop died.

It is Wednesday. This year is dying. Years go fast and days go so slow. Most days actually go quickly.

And the months fly by.

It's been almost 5 months since I began working at the library.

I know I would feel much better if I read more. I feel awful about abandoning Aaron kefir.

[: "Worst Comes to Worst" is playing. It's beautiful. I guess Kit had downloaded it. I wonder how he found it.

Straight up 12 years ago.

It's horror and amazing asses and flaming dikes. Blood shed, tool barn, asteroid camp.

I texted Aaron. I was listening to Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls, but I can't listen and type at the same time.

I thought I would read or write this morning, but I just watched youtube... and listened to Lonesome Crowded West. Julio and Dave and some lady came into to inspect the apartment.

I am listening to Trout Mask Replica again. "Pena" is crazy. I feel like I am smelling beer.

I guess I will apply to a 20 library job tomorrow.

Oh, that damn kefir. I don't want to work at all... I eat crap.

I really don't like listening to most of Trout Mask Replica.

I was cleaning out the yogurt jar after pouring the kefir down the drain. I just texted with Mom and talked to Kit. I feel trapped in a hole. Bike ride, birthday, renaissance fair.

I thought of watching Louie and when I thought of what I was doing I said This isn't much fun.

I turned on the TV and Now I am going.

Dream

I am at a college. I go to class. It's middle eastern studies, I think. I am late. I walk into a room full of people sitting at a long u-shaped table. An old man stands in the middle. He was talking, now everyone is quiet and looks at me. I feel that I am in the wrong room, or maybe I am just embarrassed. I leave right away. I hang out in the hallway with some people and chairs.

I sit with Doug Benson at a merch table outside of a theater after his show. No one else is there. We slump and talk lazily. I think that maybe he's not funny because he is lazy and consider telling him this. He shows me some objects. A plastic horse pulling something. Then, a man riding a small orange horse that is trying to ride a larger red horse. We both say that it makes us horny in a general way.

Chill Peep

Life Without Buildings... Sorrow

I thought they were Australian, because of the live album recorded there.

There was a lot of lightning here. It seemed like everything was exploding.

Australia is probably in the top 3 places I want to visit.

It's so far... There Earth is big. It's on another day, the opposite season.

How is the movie Australia? $9,99? I accidentally typed a comma instead of a period, but I kept it because I think that how a lot of the world does it. Oh, I just looked it up and it's mostly Europe and South America who use commas. It's strange... I like it.

I live right next to a Hispanic cemetery. I want to walk around in it, but it's always locked, and I'm afraid I'll get caught and be seen as disrespectful. Just a little ways down the road is a Masonic cemetery. It's pretty big. It's pretty. I have walked thru a few times during the day. Once or twice with my good friend/only friend, Aaron.

Thinking of my life/life in general from another person's perspective feels infinitely helpful.

It's amazing what we can do.

Architecture in Helsinki?

Eyes and skin and hair and light and neural pathways and runways and air traffic controllers. Silver screen, digital projectors, international pop stars, 80 year old nurses. Botanical gardens, bees, cremated candy, Last will and testament, unpublished memoirs.

That's it....

I want to or need to write about my life in order to make sense of it or turn it into something positive and meaningful. I want to structure it around the places I have lived in. Starting with 827. This apartment, then working back towards living in the house with all my family, Mom, brothers, stepfather...


OK

A Journal To Save Life

It's close to 11 pm. I just emailed Aaron. I am watching OLLA again, for the third time. I freaked out and fell to the floor because DOmino kept meowing at me. It hurt my neck shoulder area a little. I ate a bowl of lettuce, carrot and olive oil. I came back to the apartment after work ended at 9 pm. It was another slow day for libraries and brains.

I fried some frozen salmon and now I'm eating it.

"I love Jack White."

I eat the skin...

I wrote some words in my spiral.

You oughta hear this.

Charlie Feathers

What is Rockabilly

The Internet is fantastic and under appreciated.

What is real physics

I feel doomed, hopeless, regretful, sorry.

Self-Meaning is dying, disappearing, crippling. Detaching. Away. Far. Being.

Shed, I burst to kiss Jeff Mangum, loosely, losing all shape and prism and prison and begging bars and after wealth and shoving health face plants and grooming and growing twothousand tears old and beginning to fever and ash and successful blood tongue fruit gasping artful beautiful basking love.

I am going to go som mewhere. WONDER..............  Breakfast, Floss. CoFEE. AGAIN, I am.

I have dreams, I dream, Saving forever.

Stacy on Friday... It gives, all there, all over

Target in the front of a locked-on squirrel

I had a little bakery in my nuts

Over lying Truth of My matter

I hate homosapiens My belchy stomach

sings myself Overlapping Hetero

Fantasies I grab the stick the

bleeding rhythmic stick my

pulse is an organ my bloody drum

Stuck on my fourth finger I have

loose noodles in my head-shaped

block of hearty ice it's inside

my looney toon career I am face to

life a sack a Poor Tom my

rump my suckling ducking forward

I piss out of my locked door, My

friend is a psycho I learned him

to lock all alfredo Peering in my

Latin Frigid Specimen I eat your

earaches. Here is this totally Unholy

Busty Waitress. Feel my Time!?

Sacks of balls, No one sees a bladder

a sickly beefy Nectar Dry as a Bitch

Flutter in her nose My dick fleece

Biting horse ecstacy Homeo

Plath Blend of extra needless

underdone saucy Blimey carcass

Fleabag Don't Suck Millie

Wonder, An open Artificial

kindle fire I wonder what

mother had for dinster, my

what a brother you have

been You're only lonely then

having lost teeth You're a

child I wonder where big

pig skins say I will kick

you out on your firey ass

you solemn opus you whiney

crat sack of Prime Dildoes

I'm intimidated I'm articulate

Finally Finally gushing My

Wunder Bra Sexual Preversion

Ono Homosapien You pissed

my future I wonder how loudly

a cry from the back court

the pantry the yard of the

Neighbor a specific friendly

gesture, Now waiting, I am

myself doing something, Now an

alcoholic, Pissing a future
Underdone Reread

I ate

3 pizza rolls and sauce

Dr pepper

3 chocolate chip cookies

3/4 box of nutter butters

coffee, vanilla almond milk

avocado, onion, 3 cherry tomatoes, garlic salt
tortilla chips

grilled ham and cheese sandwich with olive oil and onion

peanut butter and vegan chocolate chips sandwich

i'm hungry... i dunno, no control, i give it up, don't, hold, try, care, do, do. ye