The Answers, the Party, the People, the Planes

A fun game for 2 or more players

Story:

It's 7:05 p.m, summer solstice, 29 years ago. Y'all's party just appeared on this plane. Your prime directive is to be necessary the party, the people, and the planes, and the only way to be that is to have Answer. Once they all are found. They can be found on the mapped area of this plane, because you appeared here, and you cannot leave until they are found.


Object:

Players compete or cooperate to find Answers. The player / team with the most correct Answers wins. Or if players each have an answer, all win.


Set Up:

Shuffle the Answer cards. Take out 2 Answer cards per player. These are the Answer deck. The rest of the Answer cards are not used.

Each player rolls three twenty-sided dice (d20), then chooses one result to be starting Health and another result to be starting Intuition. The 3rd di is ignored.


Gameplay:



The players take turns clockwise. The player with the highest Intuition goes first.

When all Answers are found (the last Answer card of the deck is drawn, the gameplay is over. Players then review and compare each other's Answers. False Answers do not count toward a player's Answer score.


A player gets 3 actions per turn. For each action a player may do one of the following:
 - Move to another location.
 - Use an item.
 - Draw a Search card.
 - Put Answers together.
 - Call for a party meeting.

Intuition checks are made by rolling a d20 and adding the result to one's intuition level. If the total is equal to or greater than the number of the Intuition check, then it is passed.


Locations:

The Old Barn


Actions

Sleep in the hay loft - Gain 10 Health. This can be the only action you take this turn.



Items

The One-Armed Female Mannequin  -  To commune with the lonely mannequin. Roll a d20. If your Intuition is equal to or more than your roll, You find an Answer and gain 3 Intuition. Otherwise, you just feel creepy.

The Rusted Lawnmower  -

The Bags of Soil  -  Rip them open and dig in. Roll a d20. On a 10 or more, you see something shiny, smooth and round, grab it, and polish the dirt off of it: You find an Answer! On a 9 or less, get bit by bugs and lose 3 Health.



The Green Wires


Actions

Hang Out - If there is at least one other player on this location,

Sunbathe - Gain 3 Health. Take this action only once per turn.

Parkour! - Roll a d20. On a 10 or more, do awesome moves, get exercise, and gain 5 Health and 1 Intuition. On a 9 or less, fall and lose 3 health.


Items

The Faulty Walkie Talkie  -  Roll a d20. If your Intuition is equal to or more than your roll, hear a valuable message and find Half an Answer. Choose a location where there are no players. You are transported to that location.

Anna

I just met Anna. We shook hands. I wish I remembered what that felt like.

She was working at Spec's. She was moving bottles of wine.

She approached me. I don't remember if she said anything.

I asked where the local wine is. She asked if I meant Texas. I said, as local as possible.

She showed me the wines and talked about her favorite, by McPherson, from Lubbock.

She said, dry, not as fruity. I said, I like that. And I do. I also like some fruity and sweet wine.

I looked at her eyes and she looked at mine.

I like her face. Her skin is light brown.

We smiled. I said, thank you.

She went to the other end of the aisle and moved more wine.


I looked at the wine for a while, maybe five minutes.

I thought about asking her for more information. I didn't want to make her repeat herself. I did not catch which specific wines she told me about.

I thought it would be nice to choose one that she recommended, but I wanted to make sure Aaron would likely enjoy it, so I got a Malbec by Becker, from the Hill Country.

I also got Kahlua.

I went and sat in the car.

I had a strong urge, a strurnge.

I had seen her before at Spec's. Just twice I think. The first time I was with my mom. I don't think I talked to her then, but Mom did. But I liked her, as I told Mom right after we left the store, and I wanted to get to know her. The second time I was alone. I might have gone there only to talk to her. I don't remember buying anything. I think we talked briefly about alcohol. I wanted to ask her out or ask when she gets off. I went back later that night looking for her, but I didn't see her. I didn't know her name. I didn't want to talk to anyone else or give anyone an idea of what I was doing, or what I was wanting to do.


So, because of advice from Aaron, and because I was going to see him in a few hours, and because I am a thinking person, I felt the overwhelming need to approach her and ask her if she wanted to get a drink or coffee. I wrote my name,"Gregory W.", and my cell phone number in blue ink on a white Sonic napkin.

I went inside, focused on getting to her and asking her out. I noticed her looking up at me.

I stood in front of her. Some wine was on the floor between us.

She stood and looked at me.

I said I was wondering if she wanted to get a drink sometime, or coffee.

My voice was weak. My body was weak. I felt myself blush.

She smiled and said yes.

I think I saw her blushing.

She put her hand out and said her name.

I think I said my name was Greg. I shook her hand for a second, but I don't really remember doing that.

I said, here's my number, and I handed her the napkin.

I said, I hope to hear from you soon, or something like that.

Then I left.

I felt unreal.

I was trying to think clearly, but I was still so nervous and my mind wandered and worried about how we would proceed and what I should say. I wondered all about her, and what the best things to do  as people. I still do.

I typed this to get a better perspective and to think more clearly.

Remembering this made me nervous again.

I want to talk with her and be authentic and attentive and comfortable and curious. I want to love her unconditionally. I want her to love me unconditionally.

I hope we get along well and have a life-long relationship. I hope we want to be together and we spend just the right amount of time together.



I think she was excited that I asked her out.

I think there is more than a 50% that she will contact me today.





I wrote all of the above yesterday.

She did not contact me yesterday.

I hope she will in the next week though.

I have been thinking about her a lot.

I wrote a prose poem or short personal essay about her and myself.

f e d

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k

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( =

Simpleness

I feel responsible for other people's well being.

If I am undistracted, I feel guilty and that I cannot (and do not deserve to) enjoy anything if I am not helping someone else enjoy something.

I want to volunteer with a charity thing about teaching and basic needs and beauty and initiative.

I want to create art, like words and music and visuals, but I worry and feel bad that it will not do any good and it is not worth the time and resources spent to sustain me through the creating. I worry that my instinctual creating is wrong, and maybe I really need to be helping to produce healthy food for as many people in need as possible or helping to provide clean water or shelter or education...

So I want to volunteer and feel like I am making a good difference to people and doing it creatively and artfully.

Aaron is focused on laying a foundation of understanding that will lead humanity to significant improvement maybe 7,000 years down the road.
I think he is interested in humanity surviving as long as possible in the best conditions possible.

I am listening to Gregory Alan Isakoz. I like that his name is Gregory is Gregory like mine.

I like the softness and simpleness of the words and sounds too.

Spiegal im Spiegal

I was going to work at noon. I was listening to KMFA and Spiegal im Spiegal was playing. I recognized it, but I didn't know what it was. I was at the stoplight at I35 on Stassney facing east. I closed my eyes to listen for a second or two. I felt that I saw ghosts of images of the scene around me imprinted on my dark vision, especially a white SUV at the stoplight a little in front of me. It seemed the image was moving toward me then away from me. I opened my eyes and thought of this feeling. As I drove on the 35 feeder, I imagined moving forward on a fantasy landscape, accelerating past things, plants, signs, buildings, whatever. The ground is yellow and flat, like a Simpsons' desert. There is a castle (Cinderella) or a city (Emerald) (or Taj Mahal or Eiffel Tower or everything) on the horizon. Even though I am speeding forward, the horizon gets further away slowly, and the castle or city gets smaller more and more slowly, but never disappears, because it's an asymptote, and you move forward so fast you can't recognize what you're rushing past, and soon you're just comforted by speed and infinity.   ...

I wanted to see animation of this idea. I thought of getting online and searching for something like it or putting the idea on a message board so that an artist could find it and do it. I wondered if people do that, and if someone did my idea, would they let me know so I could see it. Set to Spiegal im Spiegal of course.

The opposing unpleasant virtue, love and hate and kill and love, love hate kill love.

Famous Females

Gillian Jacobs

Michelle Williams (Actress)

and in no particular order,


Rebecca Hall

Scarlet Johannson

Raya Mudolf

Alicia Vikander

Mia Wasikovska

St. Vincent

Saoirse Ronin

Anne Hathaway

Eva Green

Emily Blunt

Alison Brie

Tina Fey

Amy Poehler

Sarah Silverman

Rooney Mara

Kate Mara

Tilda Swinton

Carey Mulligan

Regina Spector

Penelope Cruz

Salma Hayek

Rose Byrne

Jessica Chastain

Emma Stone

Emily Mortimer

Brie Larson

Mary Elizabeth Winstead

Kelly MacDonald

Julianne Moore

Evangeline Lily

Margot Robie

Emma Watson

Grimes

Lorde

Emily Watson

Hope Davis

Courtney Barnett

Abigail Spencer

Adelaide Clemmons

Carrie Coon

Katherine Waterson

Kate Tempest

Felicity Jones

Natalie Portman

Janelle Monae

Zoe Kravitz

Thandie Newton

Emelia Clarke

Judy Greer

Sarah Barthel

Erin Timony

Gibi

Rachel Weisz

Elizabeth Moss

Kat Edmonson

Thomasin McKenzie

Vicky Krieps

Lily Gladstone

This was Cheryl's last night at Pleasant Hill. She sounded a little choked up talking to me just before walking out. I will still work with her on some Saturdays.

I greatly respect her and enjoy her company.

What did I want to type about? I am tired now. I am listening to an ENT exam on youtube. It is very relaxing. British accent. I was listening to Life Without Buildings...

I ate some ground beef with salt and pepper and an apple. I think I'll eat the same thing tomorrow morning. I am also eating some lettuce...

"I am ashamed of my brother for letting the lettuce spoil.
I wish he were a better role model."

Just go to sleep, me... ok

Just just just just

I got up about fifteen minutes ago. I have been in weird moods even for me. I love that the air is getting colder. But I feel like I am in high school again. I feel desperately confused, overwhelmed and out of my own control. I see Stacy tomorrow. Also Kit and I plan to bike. I wanted to text Mom about the weather and wish her a good day. I think I will still do that. I would have but my phone froze.

My hands are masks and twigs. I cannot erase or picture anything. My hands are shaking but I am not cold. They're a little sweaty. My knee sucks, probably because I suck. Can I save the bacteria? I would rather be E coli. I wonder if all my brothers will be here Saturday night. I thought of playing Pandemic, but we may just have time for Small World.

I want to listen to Today More Than Any Other Day right now.

I have been feeling weird because I keep thinking back on all the time I have spent in this apartment and how it will end soon and then I do not know what I should do or what I really want to do.

I feel so young and also that I may be halfway dead.

What do we do!??

All I can think is that Youtube will make me happy. Or at least distract me/lift my mood for a bit...

Grocery shopping is such a huge problem.

Just Canada........ Just Ought....... I am about to cry.

Patrick walked in a few minutes ago in his underwear holding a towel. He is in the shower now.

I do feel like I am in an endless loop. It has to be this time of year. I saw a person sitting in a car in front of the apartment. I imagined they were dead. I wished that someone would die, like my Mom or one of my brothers. Then I imagined Cheryl dying.

I just want so much to change. I want to be shocked into living a life that means something.

Somehow positive.

Composition.

Just... I have next to zero understanding of anything that people do.

and I am a person...

~

I wish I were as excited about eating well and getting my own food as I am about SmallWorld and other games and shows and music and fantasies.

We're moving on. "Bring It Back" Routine Poutine.

Death Teed

I um

Um

Dreamer is beautiful

Dream Beauty

I was everywhere. I saw, heard, and felt everyone and everything.

There was time. We are using time, just like our bodies. Use everything you can.

Glockabelle is fun [:

I set up a two pplayer game of SmallWorld to see if Pat wants to play when he gets home. I think he will be amused and accepting. Tim and I plan to play again with and maybe Kit or Casey on Sunday. Four player would be fun.

I've been watching porn again and jacking off. I stopped both for about two weeks. I was happier then.

I feel dumb and empty. I want to eat something good. There is not really much bad food that tastes good. Pizza rolls don't taste good.

I watched a ton of youtube.

Pat should be here in about an hour.

I am doing almost nothing because Kit cancelled our bike ride to study or sleep or work.

I should ride my bike.

The guy I played last round at Khans, when I said I want to... before playing something, said Ride your bicycle?


I just played "Nature and the Wreck: because it is calm and beautiful.


Bye for NOW~!

Human People

There was a beautiful person at Pleasant Hill yesterday. She worked on a laptop by the windows. She got up a few times to look at books and go to the restroom. I shelved some books near her. I wanted to stare at her, but I only glanced a few times. She had longish orange hair tied in the back, shaved on the side. She wore a white tank top. She had a what seemed to be a perfect body, about 5'6" I think. I didn't get a good look, but her face seemed squarish, gentle, and strong. Her skin was pinkish peach. She seemed European or futuristic.

I felt gross compared to her. I felt creepy when shelving near her. Even without hearing my thoughts, she would think I am creepy. It was somewhat painful to see her or think about her. I wanted to get over her, but that was impossible. I didn't want to think anything about her that did not match her apparent beauty and grace. There was an old guy walking around near her. I hoped he wasn't thinking anything nasty about her. In my head I commanded him not to.

I briefly imagined talking to her, but I felt there was really no way I could. I didn't want to know anything about her for fear that she has glaring personality flaws, interior ugliness. Wanting a perfect woman is quite selfish and sexist of me. I even thought about being intimate with her, just snuggling and petting and kissing, and both of us being silent so as not to ruin anything. In that way I wanted her to be like a pet dog, for us to love each other unconditionally. Even dogs have conditions, basic as they are. I went into the restroom. I looked in the mirror. I thought that I had to kill her. I wondered why I would think that (other than it being something overly dramatic and pseudo-interesting that I have heard from TV and movies.) Part of it is so that no one else can have her, since I can't. The biggest part is just that it pains me to know she exists and that I can't "have her" like a pet. Sex pet. Really I just want her to be happy. It is way too bad that I barely thought of her as a human. It is good that I am realising this though. It's not like I could ever ever be outwardly violent or disrespectful. Of course it takes a lot of work to be respectful, to care about the well being of others as much as mine. But I want to be a better person, just for my own sake. I want to make it easier to live with myself.

Anyway, I hope she is doing well. She looks very beautiful. Everyone should know that.

Hello, I'm Back

I am alive. They are black-skinned or brownish-skinned. The music makes me smile [:

Dilated Peoples - Expansion Team...

Pat is not here. I got home an hour ago.

I am Tim's computer...

Haha, I meant I am on Tim's computer. My laptop died.

It is Wednesday. This year is dying. Years go fast and days go so slow. Most days actually go quickly.

And the months fly by.

It's been almost 5 months since I began working at the library.

I know I would feel much better if I read more. I feel awful about abandoning Aaron kefir.

[: "Worst Comes to Worst" is playing. It's beautiful. I guess Kit had downloaded it. I wonder how he found it.

Straight up 12 years ago.

It's horror and amazing asses and flaming dikes. Blood shed, tool barn, asteroid camp.

I texted Aaron. I was listening to Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls, but I can't listen and type at the same time.

I thought I would read or write this morning, but I just watched youtube... and listened to Lonesome Crowded West. Julio and Dave and some lady came into to inspect the apartment.

I am listening to Trout Mask Replica again. "Pena" is crazy. I feel like I am smelling beer.

I guess I will apply to a 20 library job tomorrow.

Oh, that damn kefir. I don't want to work at all... I eat crap.

I really don't like listening to most of Trout Mask Replica.

I was cleaning out the yogurt jar after pouring the kefir down the drain. I just texted with Mom and talked to Kit. I feel trapped in a hole. Bike ride, birthday, renaissance fair.

I thought of watching Louie and when I thought of what I was doing I said This isn't much fun.

I turned on the TV and Now I am going.

Dream

I am at a college. I go to class. It's middle eastern studies, I think. I am late. I walk into a room full of people sitting at a long u-shaped table. An old man stands in the middle. He was talking, now everyone is quiet and looks at me. I feel that I am in the wrong room, or maybe I am just embarrassed. I leave right away. I hang out in the hallway with some people and chairs.

I sit with Doug Benson at a merch table outside of a theater after his show. No one else is there. We slump and talk lazily. I think that maybe he's not funny because he is lazy and consider telling him this. He shows me some objects. A plastic horse pulling something. Then, a man riding a small orange horse that is trying to ride a larger red horse. We both say that it makes us horny in a general way.

Chill Peep

Life Without Buildings... Sorrow

I thought they were Australian, because of the live album recorded there.

There was a lot of lightning here. It seemed like everything was exploding.

Australia is probably in the top 3 places I want to visit.

It's so far... There Earth is big. It's on another day, the opposite season.

How is the movie Australia? $9,99? I accidentally typed a comma instead of a period, but I kept it because I think that how a lot of the world does it. Oh, I just looked it up and it's mostly Europe and South America who use commas. It's strange... I like it.

I live right next to a Hispanic cemetery. I want to walk around in it, but it's always locked, and I'm afraid I'll get caught and be seen as disrespectful. Just a little ways down the road is a Masonic cemetery. It's pretty big. It's pretty. I have walked thru a few times during the day. Once or twice with my good friend/only friend, Aaron.

Thinking of my life/life in general from another person's perspective feels infinitely helpful.

It's amazing what we can do.

Architecture in Helsinki?

Eyes and skin and hair and light and neural pathways and runways and air traffic controllers. Silver screen, digital projectors, international pop stars, 80 year old nurses. Botanical gardens, bees, cremated candy, Last will and testament, unpublished memoirs.

That's it....

I want to or need to write about my life in order to make sense of it or turn it into something positive and meaningful. I want to structure it around the places I have lived in. Starting with 827. This apartment, then working back towards living in the house with all my family, Mom, brothers, stepfather...


OK

A Journal To Save Life

It's close to 11 pm. I just emailed Aaron. I am watching OLLA again, for the third time. I freaked out and fell to the floor because DOmino kept meowing at me. It hurt my neck shoulder area a little. I ate a bowl of lettuce, carrot and olive oil. I came back to the apartment after work ended at 9 pm. It was another slow day for libraries and brains.

I fried some frozen salmon and now I'm eating it.

"I love Jack White."

I eat the skin...

I wrote some words in my spiral.

You oughta hear this.

Charlie Feathers

What is Rockabilly

The Internet is fantastic and under appreciated.

What is real physics

I feel doomed, hopeless, regretful, sorry.

Self-Meaning is dying, disappearing, crippling. Detaching. Away. Far. Being.

Shed, I burst to kiss Jeff Mangum, loosely, losing all shape and prism and prison and begging bars and after wealth and shoving health face plants and grooming and growing twothousand tears old and beginning to fever and ash and successful blood tongue fruit gasping artful beautiful basking love.

I am going to go som mewhere. WONDER..............  Breakfast, Floss. CoFEE. AGAIN, I am.

I have dreams, I dream, Saving forever.

Stacy on Friday... It gives, all there, all over

Target in the front of a locked-on squirrel

I had a little bakery in my nuts

Over lying Truth of My matter

I hate homosapiens My belchy stomach

sings myself Overlapping Hetero

Fantasies I grab the stick the

bleeding rhythmic stick my

pulse is an organ my bloody drum

Stuck on my fourth finger I have

loose noodles in my head-shaped

block of hearty ice it's inside

my looney toon career I am face to

life a sack a Poor Tom my

rump my suckling ducking forward

I piss out of my locked door, My

friend is a psycho I learned him

to lock all alfredo Peering in my

Latin Frigid Specimen I eat your

earaches. Here is this totally Unholy

Busty Waitress. Feel my Time!?

Sacks of balls, No one sees a bladder

a sickly beefy Nectar Dry as a Bitch

Flutter in her nose My dick fleece

Biting horse ecstacy Homeo

Plath Blend of extra needless

underdone saucy Blimey carcass

Fleabag Don't Suck Millie

Wonder, An open Artificial

kindle fire I wonder what

mother had for dinster, my

what a brother you have

been You're only lonely then

having lost teeth You're a

child I wonder where big

pig skins say I will kick

you out on your firey ass

you solemn opus you whiney

crat sack of Prime Dildoes

I'm intimidated I'm articulate

Finally Finally gushing My

Wunder Bra Sexual Preversion

Ono Homosapien You pissed

my future I wonder how loudly

a cry from the back court

the pantry the yard of the

Neighbor a specific friendly

gesture, Now waiting, I am

myself doing something, Now an

alcoholic, Pissing a future
Underdone Reread

I ate

3 pizza rolls and sauce

Dr pepper

3 chocolate chip cookies

3/4 box of nutter butters

coffee, vanilla almond milk

avocado, onion, 3 cherry tomatoes, garlic salt
tortilla chips

grilled ham and cheese sandwich with olive oil and onion

peanut butter and vegan chocolate chips sandwich

i'm hungry... i dunno, no control, i give it up, don't, hold, try, care, do, do. ye

What I Ate

5 bites of sweet potato
banana
wrangler breakfast taco: brisket, potato, eggs, cheese
2 cupcakes
cup of coffee
pb sandwich
banana
16 coconut wafers
tilapia filet
salad, parmesan dressing
mint camomile tea
tortilla chips
refried black beans

Still Young?, Slow balls...

an Still Young?, Slow balls...Still Young?, Slow balls...

an ocean aboard a microbe planet - bj

I would be pretty sad if this were deleted {: allright, this was added after I saved it... bye {: ha
This is for the blog. For the world. For all the love inside me to gush out and drown the earth in happiness and hope.
Mixed up message. I just want you to know. No YOUR space. KNOW you'RE space. I thot of that. I am a clever bean. What if a bean can think and reason and reflect. I would hope that it likes me. It must be concerned about being eaten. What percentage of wild beans are eaten? When a wild bean dies on the stalk or falls off and turns into soil, it thinks about its life and thinks, "It's been good. I have felt the sun and the rain and the wind. The winters were cold. Summers hot. I saw friends and family come and go. I leave a legacy. No matter what... the arctic seed storage facility will ensure that my wonderful kind will see the future, live amazing lives, feed the hungry, fertilize the soil, die happy just like me riiiigghhhhhhttttt... NOW!" Bleehhhhhggggkkk. The noise of a dying wild bean.

That seems good enough. I am alone all day. No car. I went outside at 6 am. Fun. It's around the freezing temperature outside. I have been masturbating like a monkey. I am unsure of how to set goals or plan to achieve them. I guess school is a good structure to give method for self-improvement. I did trash and mail. I made food. Cleaned a little. I watched general orders number nine on netflix. NO capital letters is more difficult to read. It's just incorrect. I am a bit paranoid that Pat may come in with or without Bridgett. Michael Cera was funny. I wonder if that article was true. On Spotify, the past two random songs on my favorite list were/are Dream On - Chemical Brothers and Thirty Incoming - The Books. I like the latter more right now. I like Books more than Chemicals. I do not understand chemicals. I do not understand most books. They can be expertly comforting or rigorously challenging. I remember the photos I saw on the Books' website. They built their own beautiful house at a beautiful snowy place. How much, how does it do...

Earlier Pixies came on, then Patton Oswalt, then Pixies, then I joked to myself that it will just be Patton and Pixies, then Patton did come on again, and I think I only have two Patton tracks out of 3000 or something. Coincidences... I don't think they are. This is just the way it seems to me. It seems it cannot be any other way. Things happen perfectly because they have to. I cannot quite explain it. It is somewhat like I <3 a="" ago.="" all="" am="" and="" at="" backdoor.="" balcony="" bathroom="" because="" bedroom="" better="" bit="" blogger.com="" body="" box.="" can="" clicked="" closet="" clothes.="" contentment.="" coolest="" cursor="" days="" dining="" doing="" door.="" door="" doors.="" english="" express="" facing="" farted.="" fast="" feel="" feeling="" for="" front="" funny.="" funny="" glad="" ha="" had="" hah="" haha="" happened="" have="" held="" high="" hope="" hopeful...="" huckabees.="" i="" in="" interesting="" into="" is="" it.="" it="" knope.="" know="" kristen="" laptop="" leslie="" letting="" like="" lot.="" makes="" maybe="" me="" met.="" mood="" more="" movie="" my="" nbsp="" nesbitt="" no="" nostalgic="" not="" of="" on="" out.="" out="" p="" person.="" person="" post="" pretty="" restless="" sara="" say="" saying="" school="" she="" smells.="" some="" sort="" started="" still="" swings="" t="" table="" take="" tegan="" text="" than="" thang="" that="" the="" them="" there="" things="" this.="" this="" thought="" thoughts.="" tired="" to="" type="" typed="" unless="" useful.="" was="" washed="" well.="" when="" who="" wordpad="" writing="">
I have to poop, Damnit! Hanna theme is better than Surrender!! I dare to Dream, Beeeee HOTTTTTCCCCCCHHHHHEESSSSSSSSS!!!! YES! SuckSESSSSSSS! {: Damn.

Still not done, grizzly bear. My beard hurt a little. I guess the hairs are so stiff that when I touch them they poke my skin... Jeff was very stern and disappointed that I drove my car hot and blew the head gasket. Yes, I should take care of my car. I know almost nothing. I felt they were judging for making my mom take care of my problems. I dunno. I want to try to be homeless... even without a car! McCool's. Silliness. Nuttiness. Poopiness. Aaron said about the past, "I didn't like my house...", I said it sounded like he didn't like the building, making an observation about language use. I think it's a synecdoche. "My house" means "living in my house". He looked so irrated and confused that I was making us talk about it. I got so embarrassed. My stomach grabbed my heart, so I said anyway. I wanted to talk about these feelings, but either I was still embarrassed that night or I didn't care enough. I ate a Christmas Tree cake early this morning, I think. I opened a new box and they are gone now. I guess Pat was here for a bit and took the rest. Hm, weird. Apprentice Eh at the end of the Australia trip videos made me so happy. They feel like real friends. Funny. I was going to text Julie, but I texted Ashley again instead.

This really does not go anywhere. Hmm... I am worn out. Work for three days, off for two days, a birthday... 24 years. Some people just never die... {: I want to watch more Cat Lady... Some hungry bundles of sacks... Gotta say goodbye... haha! Erasure - Always! So great! Vulcan video, expressive life, Viciousness!!!! {: hehe supreme... Buenas Dias...

Food Blog # 9

November 5, 2013

3 handfuls of Golden Grahams

Plateful of organic mixed greens, balsamic vinegar, sea salt, black pepper

Small organic steak


Three Double Dave's cheese rolls, marinara

Food Blog # 8

Friday, Oct. 25
7:00 am
Nature Valley Caramel Cashew Protein Granola Bar

Banana

1:00 pm
Three slices Papa Murphy's pepperoni pizza
Two fat free fig newtons
Five scoops of light Creamy Creations, dark chocolate sauce, caramel sauce

10 oz. Sonic Blackberry Tea
Few Reese's Pieces

8 pm
Organic Salad, Balsamic Parmesan dressing

Can of Bush's Maple Bacon Baked Beans

Food blog # 7

Sunday October 20

Casa De Luz -
Hibiscus tea, bean soup, salad
Tortilla, beans, vegetables, rice

Coffee, milk, sugar, vanilla extract

Baker street fried fish, zucchini fries

Food Blog #6

Friday, Oct. 18

Organic Ambrosia apple (last one)

Three organic eggs fried in margarine, garlic salt, pepper

I.D. Vanilla Iced Coffee

Ben and Jerry's Heath Bar ice cream, almost half a pint

Wholly Cow cheeseburger

Some Diet Peach Snapple

Spicy Breaded Chicken Breast Filet, black beans, cherry coke

Hot Chocolate

Food Blog # 5

Thursday, Oct. 17

Two organic eggs fried in olive oil, garlic salt, pepper

Organic ambrosia apple

Two Double Dave's cheese rolls

2 cups International Delight Vanilla Iced Coffee

P. Terry's cheeseburger with onions

Orange juice, coconut rum, creme de banana

Food Blog #4

Wednesday, Oct. 16
7:00 a.m.

Two organic scrambled eggs, olive oil, garlic salt, pepper
Organic ambrosia apple

Triscuits (~20) and extra garlicky salsa

Coffee, milk, sugar, banana flavored syrup

Organic mixed greens and sweet potato, coconot oil, salt (I tripped on a stair and dropped some of it and broke the plate.)

Food Blog #1 (It is so funny to me that I forgot to post this) Worst Possible Start to a blog

Sunday, Oct. 13
9:30 a.m.
Raisin Nut Bran with 2% Milk

Organic Egg fried in Canola Oil with sea salt and black pepper

2:20 p.m.
Flour Tortilla, Market Pantry Refried beans, Jalepeno slices, provolone cheese.

Starbucks coffee, milk, vanilla coffee mate

New Is Good

I went back to sleep, because I wanted to remember a dream. I think I was dreaming, but the banging of the trash being picked up woke me up. Before I fell asleep I had the feeling that my legs were arms. I was all tingly in a frustrating way. I slept for maybe an hour, but it went so fast. I am listening to Humans. I can't think of a better band name, but I can think of better music. Sitting in this chair will mess me up. How can I be so comfortable, when this position will later make me so uncomfortable. The same way eating tons of M&Ms can feel so good, then later it hurts. I stopped watching porn, and I am even more passionate this time about never doing it again. I am going to tell Stacy about it Friday. I hope that I can break the habit and lose the impulse to watch in few weeks, based on what I heard from Woody on PKA, that it takes three weeks for something to become a habit. I hope that it works the other way, but it may be harder to break a habit that to form one. I hope that I can eliminate my perverse sexual thoughts and fantasies. It's only been four days since I watched porn. I really do not want to disappointment myself. I think maybe I should call Sprouts to see about my background check. I don't really know. I have no instructions. I don't remember everything Warren said in the voicemail. I could just listen to it again. I think I should wait to hear about drug testing. It is weird for a company to check for chemicals in urine. They should just ask employees if recreational drug use will interfere with their job. That's just me though. I feel like I am sane sometimes.

Sometimes I don't. Pat and Tim were here at Jan's with me last night. They stayed until midnite. We tried to play bezzerwizzer while watching TV. Tim fell asleep. This is Ed's house too. I am really afraid in general and about this job. I want to listen to Expectations by Belle and Sebastian. I settled on the Helio Sequnce instead. New music is so.. hopeful. Or finding music that I like is. I am really grateful for Spotify.

What will life be like on Friday? I have to call the dentist to get cavities filled. It's so boring and dead. I realized all this crime and desolation is because people are so bored. We need things to do to make ourselves better. Not that we always think we are not good enough. We should see amazing potential in ourselves. Everyone should see it in everyone and everything. Then act on it to bring it out and reach it. I don't know what our potential is, but we should believe in it and do what we can, do what we know is right.

I feel arrogant to think I have amazing potential, but I have been down on myself for a long time and it's difficult to see there is another way to relate to reality. I call myself defeatist and fatalist, and that makes it worse. I try to be open and honest. The gap between my conscience and my physicality still seems so wide. What can I do to close it? I think talking to people would help. Actually talking, actually being with someone and connecting. Why is that so frightening? I have cocooned myself so well. This blog is a way to connect, but I don't tell anyone about, because I would be terribly embarrassed to talk about it, or the things in it, in real life. In person I mean. I have thought that it would be nice to get a comment on my blog. To connect with someone. I have assimilated internet into my reality. I was interrupted by a phone call from Sprouts giving me job. I have to not be so stupid. That's negative.

Mom called, saying she's excited (I texted her about the job) and proud. I said thanks. I said I am a little bit excited and nervous. She said it's normal to feel a combination of excitement and anxiety. They are pretty much the same I think. Maybe excitement is anxiety that feels good, and anxiety is excitement that feels bad. Anyway, neither is boredom and that's good.

Bye, bye, love, Greg.

Food Blog #3

Tuesday, Oct. 15
7:30 a.m.

Two organic eggs, fried in olive oil, garlic salt, pepper
Organic Ambrosia apple (amazing, but expensive)

Coffee, milk, butterscotch schnapps, sugar

Organic mixed greens, olive oil, garlic salt, pepper

Organic sweet potato, coconut oil, salt

Two Double Dave's cheese rolls, marinara

Ten Oreos, milk

Food Blog #2 (I Forgot)

Sunday, after 6 p.m.

Organic baby greens mix, two handfuls maybe, olive oil, salt and pepper
One large organic sweet potato, coconut oil and salt

Orange juice and coconut rum


Monday

Two organic eggs, fried in no oil, garlic salt and pepper (pretty gross)
Slice of wheat bread
Organic Ambrosia apple

Baby greens mix, olive oil, garlic salt, pepper

Organic sweet potato, coconut oil, salt

Orange juice, coconut rum, banana liquor

Same Day I got to shit... :{}> Yyyyeeeeeee

I'm disappointed that my dreams seem to have become mundane to me. I may have lumped them all into the category of indescribable, and now I have been barely able to remember solid details or any flow of thought or story in them. I miss dreams. Porn's so stupid and worthless and degrading. I have tried to intervene with myself to stop watching it. It's a strong habit. I had really disgusting fantasies about Julie. I imagined telling Stacy about my sex fantasy of Stacy and adding details while telling her and getting off on it. I almost rear-ended someone on I-35 in downtown traffic while fantasizing about Julie. Typical. I had just left my interview at Sprouts. I think I shall be starting that job soon. I am worried about what will be expected of me and how I shall preform. That seems typical. Damnit. I feel horny. Mostly because I'm alone, I think. I feel like this writing is going well, though. Patrick left Friday night to Bridgett's and Saturday morning to her family in Victoria. He'll be back later today he said. Early this morning, Tim left for Kingsville to see Chelsea. He'll back Monday night. I am going to Jan's this afternoon. I must have started this about ten am. It's been raining a lot. I miss Ashley quite a bit. I really don't care about her body or intimacy anymore. I just want friendship and to know she is doing well. That sounds sappy and like I am trying to be a good, likable person. But why would I lie here. Lie as in not true. Here as in Blogger. Meta. Suck. Bluck. I got up about nine to nine thirty. I turned on the PS3 and got on youtube. I started to watch DailyGrace, but oh no ugh. So I watched/listened to Coffeh Time. It made me want to watch documentaries. I shall do that soon. I have to wash my clothes. I got semen on some underwear and blue shorts. Why do I type that and post it. It's in my head. That is the only criteria for posting here. I'm wearing an inside out black long sleeve old navy shirt. How egg-stacksly.

What isle is the world? This blog changes how I write and think. Done Does Diss Dizz Whizz, Peacczzzzee. Is this it? by da strokes. This lazy writing is depressing. I do not know how to read myself. Like how people say to read "a writer's name". And The Blow...

"isle" up there is supposed to be else, and I like that isle is a word, i like what it means.

Neech

Happy for a reason, so as to prevent everything.

Peace, Benevelonce, Propriety. I dunno vat dat meens. hun dum groom, va va va vavoooooooooooooom!

reehhhhhhhhhhh mmmrmrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr,, sound car. Be leaf. Pee Vee Bye

{: stay

Yesterday I played GTA V. I didn't watch any more Khan Academy videos. I watched ASAP science and minute physics and minute earth. Hearing about magnets at the atomic level made me want to go back to finish the chemistry videos at Khan. I don't know if I can retain any information I see or hear. I want to understand all the basic ideas and findings that lead up to high school science, which I heard from Aaron should be pre-school science. I think there is a level of learning after how things were discovered that is easier to understand for people with common knowledge. Later they can work backwards to the point where they can discover new things and forward to advancing known ideas.

In the shower last night, I remembered that people dream for an average of 3 years a life. If most people live for 75 years, then they dream %4 of their lives. If I have 50 years left to live, and I sleep at least 16 more years, then I have 34 years left to do things... I just lost 4 years of life. I thought 12 x 3 was 48. What can I do then? I have slept for about 8 years. I have only really been myself for 12 years, which is 8 waking years. So, I've lived one fifth of the time I can do stuff in. It has not gone that well. I've played a lot of games. Probably enough to fill a year. All the stuff of habit, of hygiene, and of necessity have probably taken up over a year. Probably spent at least half a year in my car. Maybe a year for school. Maybe half a year for work. All that comes to maybe 4 years. TV and movies fill a lot of time. Wasting time online should be included in that. Reading and writing, not for school, probably count for less than two months, but it could be much less. The fact that I have almost no idea how much time I may have spent reading or writing says that I don't care about them enough.

Aaron and I walking through the park in the rain brought up me not caring about doing something useful with my life, something to help other people. I think it is the pressure of needing to change the world that cripples me and makes me hide. It's that there seems to be infinite options and I go back and forth until I get confused and exhausted and I give up to do something easy and comforting. Doing good and amazing things, even if they seem simple to other people, fills me with emotion, like right now, and I feel waves of blood and hormones and my eyes water and I am afraid of people seeing me cry because I cannot explain it and I can't think straight, all I can think is, how wonderful, how sad, how hopeful, how beautiful, how mysterious. I am so much nothing. I can feel everything and I feel like I'm going to burst. So most of the time I just hide. I have learned how to do it very well by default. It's a strong habit. Breaking it will be painful and frightening. I am already tired of trying and caring and I'm ready to give up and hide in a game or in the lives of youtubers.

I never know where to start. I need so much help. Beach House. Where is God? Grains of sand. Deep space covered by sunshine, sunshine covered by grey, wet clouds. Pale, red, round face covered with tears. White, soft body covered by dark warm clothes. Mostly clean fingernails stare back at ocean eyes on the cold beach just after dawn. Sorts of things Beach House make me think of. Lost in Time. They make me think of a vague, somber 1980s. People who don't know what to make of their lives or themselves. People with perfect style who are empty. People who feel the dead lives of children in Polaroids on the skin of their hands. Always hungry, they eat peas slowly by candlelight late at night. Like ASMR videos. Walking for days, only meeting a few people, feeling nice, then standing in a massive crowd feeling totally alone and afraid.

Flying in dreams. I have to wait for Dave or Julio to replace the light in the foyer. Posture is my nemesis. Boxers biting teeth. Blackalicious Reanimation. I have to youtube. I am lost. Then I feel close and happy.

I don't know how to end. Byebye.

Neil's Boredom

Dream's are like life but less interesting. I woke up with the tune to a punk pop song in my head.

It's a nice day. I'm at home alone. At my real home, my first home. It's the middle of the day. There is really only one day. I am deeply unsettled. I guess it's because of Daisy. I guess I am wanted to walk her, or get her to exercise somehow. She has a gimpy leg. She went outside for a bit. She just kept lying down on the floor inside. Screens are so unsatisfying. I need more humans to live with. I'm listening to Broken Social Scene. I watched Waking Life, most of it, at A's. I watched Coffeh Time. I watched Suicide Girls podcast, and I got erect at a video called girls kissing. Now I'm listening to Jason Schwartzman, Coconut Records. My back feels messed up. I have about 7 hours until Mom gets here. I guess I should read or write or something necessary or perfect or something and something or other. I misspelled two words: "coffeh" and "Schwartzman".

There must be a lot of thoughts in between these thoughts. Paris 2004. I'm simultaneously trying and trying not to think about all the people in horrible pain right now. Ignoring dogs is a fatal activity. I feel like all my problems will be solved by watching Youtube videos. Mom said she wonders why wolves don't bark and dogs do. I wondered too. Just IN: Wolves bark, but it's rare. Domestication may have led dogs to bark.

I do not know what my thoughts would be if I did not know A. Driving home, listening to Building Nothing out of Something, I felt heavy wastefulness and disappointment. It is aggravating. I do not know what to do. I do not know who I am. I do not know why we are alive. There has to be a good reason. Maybe not, but we should just live well anyway. Mom made dumb blondies last night. They are so dense and chewy. I don't know what's going to happen. I ate some, listening to Kimya Dawson, then I brushed my teeth. That makes twice today. Wisdom tooth surgery has made me brush a lot more.Yesterday, when Pat was at school, I masturbated in the bathroom to a Suicide Girls video called wet. It wasn't great, because I was afraid he would walk in. I'm trying not to masturbate today. It's just about comforting myself and hiding from my problems, making things worse. I feel really good about this. I told myself I had to get out of the M's house. I cannot see outside and everything is so close. It's scary. And TV and dog and darkness. I'm going to check out that sort of poem on this blog about Bastrop and Ashley. Maybe I'll call it Ashtrop.

I want to live forever.

Why do certain things/situations make my brain tell my eyes to water like crazy (cry). I want to know. Physical emotions, Nadal collapsing and crying and smiling after winning the US open. Dinner with Meemaw was weird. She is 86 and really quiet and distant. David and Tim are weird and very different from each other. ITERATIONS - METAPHOREST.

Something, I want to be. I need. I am myself. I am changing. I can barely see the light outside of my own head holes. What is inside? Where does it end? What began all this? I'm sure I'll find something to keep happy. Bye bye for now, papa.

How Do I

Always come up with a title first. 1ST FIRST! That's not You tube dot com. This is Ellie Goulding. My name is Bret, name IS BRET.

What should I name you? You can choose. Then I name you that name. You choose.

One of the best and hardest psychologist appointments I have ever had ended less than 40 minutes ago.

I feel an intense, almost crippling, love for humanity and life. I thought, "Take care of myself," and set myself off with happy tears and thought it should be illegal to drive and cry. Driving while very emotional or sleepy is just as bad as driving drunk. I thought of sleepiness as an emotion and sleep as its expression, and in order to resolve any emotion one must express it, hopefully safely. Unexpressed emotions must have a slower, internal, more damaging resolution. An obvious example is anger leading to stress leading to heart disease/cancer. O, God, I'm hungry. Food just seems too simple. People go thru a lot of trouble to make food unhealthy with the excuse of making it tasty. That cannot be excused. We love it though. Tho.

I recently hypothesized that our generation is satirizing the insane culture it grew up in and having a great time, making our culture even more insane.

Hypothesized sounds so pretentious (so does satirizing, but some people are doing something like that). I was just wondering about what may be true. Kate Nash is frustrating or heart-breaking human interaction set to music.

Infinite Forgiveness. What do I conclude? I have had a religious conscience for almost ten years and I have seldom acknowledged it. So I intrinsically believe in something like God, and so basically everything is out of our control and under divine control and nothing matters. I am quite thotless on this subject, so my thots are silly.

My Super Silly Sub-Universe. This is whatever it is. Am I the one to provide an answer. Any answer?

Anyone?

Prettiness. Aloha means hello and goodbye, so I'll just say goodbye. I am so done, so fun... laaaaaaa

Listen to Why? again... This, I do. Some say. For sure

Purple Nips of Castro

Should i type this even though it's eleven pm, and I don't want to? I'm listening to Kevin Divine, because I saw him on the Chris Gethard Show. I have spent more than an entire 24 hours watching that show in the past four days. I'm on episode 33 of the hour-long episodes. I was looking at myself in the mirror. I have almost made a joke out of my self reflection. I think I am missing something so obvious that it may kill me. My teeth and my muscles are being destroyed by the food I eat and the nothing I do. I dimmed this screen but it looked too depressing. Pat and I watched Portlandia. Life passing me by just feels perfect as a grey highway streaming thru my mind's eye. This is good music. I have to take care of Daisy soon. There are lots of things I could and should be doing. Mom told me to apply at Whole Earth and as a volunteer at the library. We went to see The Purple Rose of Cairo at the Paramount tonight. I thought about Mom not being a good person, except she is, but she has a lot of problems, which I just sort of realised recently. She should not feel responsible for me now. I feel that I have too much information dancing in my head to decide what I should be doing any given moment. My body is very weird. I think The Chris Gethard Show has become a part of my soul. This is good for me to do. I keep imagining weird situations at Julie's birthday party, but I want to go as a challenge. I really cannot see myself like other people see me. I'll ask Ashley if she wants to carpool. Mom will probably have dinner with Madeline and David and his girlfriend/womanfriend Lisa. I imagine eating barbecue and David and I questioning my life choices. I hope Charlie Kaufman puts out a film soon. Mom and I walked on Town Lake on the day I started watching bunches of TCGS, and I looked at people with lots of love. Really happy. I'm happy and sad, and I can't tell the difference. I don't care about anything or myself.

I am still afraid that I am still the same as I have always been, and that I cannot change myself. It's ASMR time. It will be all right. Good ngiht every one, bi bi.

Again Today

I just told myself a few days ago that I was sure I would never watch porn again. Somehow I let myself. I masturbated twice in the last 12 hours. Last night I was thinking about texting Ranisha to see if I can go to her place Friday night then I could get a blowjob and titfuck her maybe even have sex, then I came and I thought how stupid that idea was. Then I watched more porn this morning then thought of texting her again and letting her make me come. It even seems like something I want to do still. I thought of the order of sexual acts I could do with her. First we make out and I feel her up and maybe finger her, but that's gross, because I actually think she is gross, but I get so excited. I am never going to text her again. I'll just reply to her. I hung out with Ashley last night. After I left I thought of asking her, Would it be gross or uncomfortable if I touched you? Because I really want to. I want to make out with her. I am afraid that I will remind her of Tim or she thinks it is taboo to be with two brothers even over a year apart. Like the Lone Ranger, it's pretty weird. She usually is not that pretty to me. But I am so close to her, I really think I love her. I imagined leaning over and wrapping my arms around her tightly. Putting my head on her shoulder. I made Pina Coladas. Ashley and Jay had a small glass each and I had two and half I think. We played Gloom, which Ashley enjoyed it seemed. I won by a hundred. It was fun. Jay went to bed. We played with Sly and listened to We Are Undenyable, and watched youtube and I told her a little about ASMR, we watched tiny candy food making videos. I forgot my keys and we hugged three times I think, never really as full or long as i want. I wish I was the same height as her. I should have put the bag down and crouched until our eyes were even, then one arm up and one down. Really I want her boobs to press against my chest and put my chin on her neck and press our ears together.

I went to the Food Bank at one yesterday. I left at the break at 2:30. I made more coffee and watched 30 Rock. Now Why? is playing and I think about Andrea's breasts. i have to search breast massage now.

what else, Gravity's Rainbow is difficult to understand. Thinking alot bout mtg, added to cold fire yesterday and tim read what i have. Going to bastrop soon. Movie with aaron and evan, life aquatic. Sleep at mom's. Have a better thursday.

Totally Because Yeah

I am totally alone now. Except for Domino. And All the people who live in this building right now. Last night. I was here and the other guys were in the bedrooms. RJD2 the glow. That reminds me of apprentice eh, star wars... Jedis are really cool. I don't care about star wars much. I love the monopoly game. It is really pretty and makes me nostalgic. Christian Slater, i started to type bale but no batman, no Hey ash watcha plain.. Blackalicious is supreme! REALEASE!!!!!!! hAHA i made a pun or something.. two words made one another word some kind of konnection?  Ha DOOO I do not know Man Men I love Men, I love Humansw and earth and love and stars and whatever is in the space between the particles we have discovered.

My clavicles are sore. Passionate Men! Passionate Love. Passionate Work. Passionate Dedication. Passion Fruit Passion Friend. Hehe Saul Williams just said Passion.. I love the guy, oh...

Over whelming me, Oak and elming me... Haha, he's great. Things that aaron understands and things he wants to understand.

I've tried to add some to Cold Fire but I've lost almost all enthusiasm for it. Soul Position is real real good.

Brutal truth, feel so good, clean, real. Ready. Open. Strong. Stable. Efficient. Kind. Playful.

I'm afraid Padre is waste of time. I am going to try to make the most of it. I don't know. I guess I need to make money. I told Stacy that the Library seems like the right place for me until I can grow food and help feed people well. I love mom more than anything. I look forward most to when she gets to Padre Thursday.
I think I need to journal there. I plan to drink almost everyday, except the last. Alcohol i mean. I hope I have fun and don't take it too seriously as a time and place to grow and learn more about family, I hope I don't try too hard and I hope I don't try too little.

Ha, I was on tribe called quest radio, but I changed it, too much Wu tang violence, Now tcq is on blackalicious radio. Here comes the world...

A band name: Good Germs, I read "germs of good" In karamazov. Album called I Hope You Listen.

I imagined singing on the ruta maya stage at an open mike i guess. Just random words about blossom and cars and stuff..

I yoga'ed early morning. Except pb cheese sandwich and mozz sticks I think I ate Okay. I played OFF for awhile and stopped just before aaron got here, then he left. Oh yeah pat got coffee and doughnuts. Today seemed unusually bright. It just felt unreal. Like I could see better or just more. Like im seeing things differently somehow. Spotify is half of my real world. I want to cut off the facebook... I'm going to wake at 730, so I want to bed soon. If this MTG was out of sight I wouldnt be interested in it every day. I made two sealed decks today. Hey Ash seems like pretty average truth of upscale nerd gamers. I am not sure what that means.

Ashley listened to Swimwear... It is exasperatingly funny.


Sounds good, like summer who I was. Like Bastrop Kids, movies highschool, words silly, Grass Trees, Cleanest Houses, Abandoned shops, vacant lots, open spaces, city council meeting with the school board, farm trucks, Shakespeare nights, Radio, Glistening taco cabana, Artificial ears, Crying dolls, Dark darkness, starless skies, blank screens, lotion and mangoes, Porch light moth wings, Distance pleasure, Ashley. Greg. Forever. Dreams. Repetition. Suitability. Effort. Dry water. Macaroni. Mothers. Swiffers. Cats. life death. Piles of dirt driveways holes dusk dawn memories lawns reading writing futures explanations implications consequences truths hopes, tears, ponies, condoms, Drawers, Desk, Animal Crossing, This is dedicated to her, I miss her... I am her so much. Pumpkins, Fall, Settling, Friendship, Leaves, Jobs, Lightning fast, Parking lots, Elmo, Ernie, Dublin, Sheer face hair fringe cream skin. Feelings... frustration... Needs... Obstacles... Selves... Mystery.

What am I saying, I am channeling the wonder deep inside my unconscious mind. This music brings up a lot in me. I just texted her. She makes me feel like Nikki did, my life is happening, I have to do the best, It has to be right now, I am this real person and I know what to do and I have to do it despite every difficulty.

(: haha, love is so greeat and powerfill, like the big bad ozz frames janko... epistle apostle, ganja memephone, abridge apology, After waver sound lever, Peen apple, French disc course, dicourse, pleebs {: nuh byebye My lover, Apple food cake wake well waylay weee peeple... nooze Shy

Something to do. This is controlled and substantial. I am standing at my laptop, listening to Spotify radio.We Have Band. Then Pat came in and I stopped for a while, we checked the mail. Julie sent me and aaron postcards from Georgia. I microwaved a cucumber and put salt and oil and chili powder on it. I scrambled an egg in the left over oil and ate it. I am having a second cup of coffee. It's pretty much an actual cup. I signed up for a three hour shift at the food bank tomorrow afternoon. I played OFF for a while. It's getting more taxing. I sort of want to play Mother 3. But I think Aaron wants me to read. I read some last night, but it was crazy hard. I closed the book and got out a letter from Aaron and read four pages of that. Last night I wrote that Free Write on ego-youthful. I've thought about asking Aaron to read it. I thought about telling him how I think about killing him a lot. I told him, I hope i didnt kill you, because I put my finger in his drink. After I said it I thought, I don't care if you die, it might even be better if you do. Getting the ECG at PPD was sort of scary. It felt like dystopia where everyone is sick all the time and hooked up to machines and are unhappy and scared. I tried to sit down to read last night, but it was very uncomfortable, so I stood for a while and changed my position a lot and bounced or swayed. This coffee cream is nice. It's toffee i think. I really don't know what to do. I was thinking that all the problems in the universe are the result of matter being arranged the wrong way. That's why this guy is here treating this woman badly. The chemicals in his brain are wrong or he's supposed to be working in a field on the other side of the world where he is happy and this woman is supposed to be sleeping and having a nice dream.
Pat is eating cheese rolls and scrolling thru netflix. He's told me to eat pizza rolls a few times since last night. I told him i am trying to be healthy, even though for lunch I had a peanut butter sandwich with three oreos on it. After my chicken potato dinner I ate some vanilla wafers. The chicken was probably pretty unhealthy. Oh pat put on an LCD soundsystem documentary. Buebuey
Then the day changed.
It was nothing. It was a mistake or not. I am off the wagon. I kicked the bucket. Is that a reference to hanging oneself? Anyway I got up and ate nilla wafers and peanut butter then a cheese roll and peproni roll and cherry coke. I felt like it didn't matter. There was tasty foods around me. My stomach can do it. They won't really get inside my blood and in my cells and if they do they'll just feed them and they won't mutate them or make them die. Maybe. I really barely know anything. I know things I can see, but I can't see much.

In an hour and a half I have to get ready to go to food bank. I'm watching apprenticeEh. I annoy and frustrate Aaron by doing "nothing". What I do is watch youtube and play videogames and eat. He wants me to read. I can expand my reality by reading. I think watching vlogs can expand my reality. I feel like I accept nothing about my reality. I feel like it is all wrong. I will shower soon. I don't want to get my teeth out. I am afraid of the pain, but it won't last long.

I don't know what to say or how to end it. I mean that doubly about this and about my life. Not as in I am going to kill myself but I don't know how, but as in I don't know what the end or purpose of my life is. I don't know how to pursue some kind of life goal. I don't know how to find out what that goal is. I don't know how to make choices. I often feel like I am not real. I am not who I am.

What's for lunch. What will I wear. What will I say and do.

title...

Maybe mayber what the fuck!@!

I lucking fuvv GracieHInaBox! Michele is cool! So young and so Old videos!! I am only I a little years younger than them... Youtube, just talking to a camera looking interesting, thinking out loud, living openly... Makes living possible makes one feel included and important...

I keep watching porn and masturbating... It sucks... I am not myself... I am a lesser being... I am an animal.

Are other animals capable of transcendence? Are humans? If so, what would the purpose of transcendence.
Transcendence is controlling your instincts (such as not masturbating just because you can) and working towards a higher goal, such as whatever exists in your best dreams, then not being overly concerned with worldly matters and caring infinitely about what eternity will be like for everyone...

Daily Grace, July 25th 2013, "That's a human thing! I'm surrounding myself with it... Not human, alive. I have a hard time distinguishing between alive and just human. Neither here nor there."

Watching so much grace helbig... I am not sure that I am alive... That sounds a bit like transcendence..

I love... ... ellipses... Nothing ever ends... All being are immortal... Space and time are infinite...

i want to be creative... suck... read bros karamoozoovoo.... Kazoo [: bye kneegrows iluvu 

My story

What will I do on Saturday. Complete stupid isolation. Writing a story. Developing a interactive adventure. Expanding the minds of useless fart hounds like myself. That is me. Getting a worthless job to live in a place where I contribute less that the average 8 year old American. Wanting to burn down the sky. Wanting to run away and live with simple people. Wanting a woman who loves me unconditionally. Wanting an easy existence.

My blood feels sticky. My muscles feel like they're fighting themselves. My penis wants to separate from my body. I have devilish dreams. I want to slap my loved ones on the face. Hard. I want to break limestone bricks on my hand. I am listening to the DO... Oh. I want to whittle away. I want to bake myself. I want to make a grand beautiful meal out of myself and feed a large community for a year. Then I want them to build a school and name it after me. Then I want to make it rain when things gets thirsty for 5000 years.
I want to make a thousand dollars a week for doing whatever I want to do. I want to have a dance party with Kit in his house. Then I want us to install an in-ground pool in his back yard in one night then have an underwater light show and dance party, then someone drowns and we all cry buckets at the funeral and it rains and we write an awesome book that everyone reads.

-A few hours gap here-

I must be someone else. I cannot do what I do if I am me. I do what this body is. There is a soul in this body. I am responsible for the well being and future of this body. My soul is lost. It is travelling thru this body. There is a consciousness in this body. Sometimes it is separate from the body, sometimes the soul leaves this body, the body is alone and acts out against this soul. The consciousness puts what the body senses into words and order. The soul tries to tell the consciousness the right thing to do. Living in New York, I would work at a soup kitchen. I would be Flynn's son, Paul Dano. I would be brave and honest.

Mom, Tim, Pat and I saw Lone Ranger. I like the subject of the old west. I hate the formula for jokes that is everywhere today. It's all about awkwardness. The funniest part was Tonto stepping off the ladder then it shattering on the tree. Nevermind... I didn't enjoy most of the movie. I shouldn't have seen it, but I am lost. I had a small crisis in the shower. I was nervous about the job interview. And I was still upset about the gross mutant babies shitting blood and being fingered hospital apocalyptic dream I had. I thought how it might help me try to prevent the world from becoming hell. There are hellish places, situations on Earth right now, so I should do something. Working at this disc golf warehouse does not seem like enough. Then I resigned to waste my life, because it is too dificult to change the world I guess. I am not capable.

I have to try to tell Stacy. I have not shaved my unibrow in a while. It is sort of a test for people to see if they care or think I need to shave it because that is normal and acceptable. It makes me a little self conscious. I wonder if someone will say anything. It is fun for me. Frieda Kahlo. How much of my time should be spent trying to look good?

This Must be the Place was good. It made me feel, almost cry, laugh loudly. It was a lot like Everything Is Illuminated. That one had a more serious core and the passing moments were lighter. This must be the place had a lighter core, but the filler, in-between content was more serious, like him saying People say My life will be that until a certain age then they say That's life.

What is the real story, The beginning the end where you are what you affect. It's all so vague. So killing me. I am between myself and everything. Such a huge menacing gap. I have to fill my car's tires with air.

I am not letting myself be myself. How can I not be myself? Huckabees, i guess. Pleasant meadows, struggling young affluents. Sour souls. Rotting flesh, wet forest, bloody green stump, Stump the Whiz. There is good and bad in me. I have to let the good out and control the bad. That is what everything is. Everything we are. Shameless H Macy, Mad John Ham

I am a reference to a popular night show. I am living on a mountain in a desert. I ate too mmuch ice cream, I thought it was snow, I am a moose I have too much hair. I own too much. Most people cant wipe thier butts properly. Sickness is the most popular disease. Bye bye blue fin... taste... moken... tuse... tope... lomma... crepe... leef... sohm... be agye gye... bugga fi

Bright Screen Outside Fading Light

I am laying up on a bed in the middle bedroom in Mom's house. Mom is watching a program on KLRU about a rich English family from old time. Mom's laptop is on top of my lap. Pillow is behind my head. The sun will set soon. It's pretty bright outside. Mom and I painted the other bedroom today.

It's a bit later now. My butt is weird. I feel like pooping a lot. Mom's watching Masterpiece Mystery I think. I am listening to pigsbum53 ASMR. I masturbated in the shower today thinking about having sex with Nikkin and filling her with semen to a cartoon horror degree. It's quite ridiculous. I want to play Earthbound tomorrow after I get home. Mom and I are going to arrange the furniture in the bedroom tomorrow. It has not been a bedroom for a long time.

Aaron and I walked yesterday. We talked about Bottle Rocket because we had just watched it. I talked about Ashley. He talked about understanding and friends.

Mom gave me some jobs to apply for. I don't know if I would prefer to work for Aaron's dad. I suppose I should try to get a job in Austin first. I really envy and admire rootless people who move around with ease. Like how Max used to just camp and live outside and use his car and shower at friends' houses.

This screen is really bright. I feel I should be outside. When this video is over, I'll go. Less than one minute. I'll hit some golf balls. Or shoot a basketball.

byebye

Westinner

The point of writing. The point of living. I make an explosion. The world of cities. Tall towers. Fires in the sky. Night lights for adults wearing diapers, drooling syrup. Tall, long haired ladies and gentlemen fall out of windows thousands of feet above the earth, arms and legs flapping against the wind. Black clothes, black hair, black wind. Share our lives. Laser pulleys


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Vacation to California

Wednesday
Lorena, Kit, and Mom picked us up from the apartment at little after three in the afternoon. A few hours before I played Earthbound and saved it right after I got to Fourside, which I mention because I thought about playing almost every day on vacation, not that it took away from my enjoyment of the vacation, but it might have.

We found the train station after some driving and went inside. It was empty and looked pretty old. We left our bags in the office with the clerk. We walked to Hut's and ate burgers. We went to Whole Foods and bought travelling food. We got vanilla snaps, which tasted nice and had a unexpected pleasant texture. Mom impulsively took shortbread cookies off the shelf and bought them. They were great and had a coconut flavor. I ate most of them. 

We waited for the train to pull up then got on easily. It was exciting. I looked out the window a lot. I got my book out right away but ended up reading only one chapter. There was a pretty and spacious observation car. Sleeping was difficult while sitting. Each of us slept no more than six hours for the two nights. San Antonio was fun. We had a four hour layover there. We ate Mexican food and drank Margeritas. We walked a lot, so I fell asleep when we got on the train, but not for long.

Thursday
We had a hour in Tuscon, so we walked around and ate at a pizza place.

Friday
We got to L.A. just about dawn.We played Star Fluxx in a courtyard and ate at Denny's while waiting for our rental car. Our Motel 6 was in Hollywood. It was being renovated, but I liked it. We had to wait an hour to check in, so we walked to Hollywood Boulevard and saw the Walk of Fame and Graumman's Chinese Theater with the celebrity hoof prints. Pat took a photo of me with my hand on Shirley Temples hand print. Humphrey Bogart had the best inscription. When we got back and got our rooms, we showered right away, after not being able to on the train a whole day. We felt much better. Mom said the only shower that felt better was the one she took after she gave birth to Patrick. We took a much needed nap.

We drove to Venice Beach and met Kelly. I liked the boardwalk, the wide beach, the views, and the variety of humanity. We heard a girl sing and play guitar. On the way back Tim bought her CD. Mom took a photo of the mural from L.A. story. We walked a long time to Santa Monica. It was chilly. We walked around an amusement park and saw the end of route 66 sign. We ate at a place Kelly suggested called Big Dean's and saw Hani, which surprised us.

Saturday
We slept very well for a change. We drove around L.A. the next morning. We ate at a small donut shop. We drove up Mulholland and stopped at a scenic overlook above the Hollywood Bowl and near the Hollywood sign. We drove thru Beverly Hills and Rodeo Drive. I liked the tall palms along the street. They turned into pines. We skipped Griffith Park. I wanted to go, but I didn't mind at all, since there was so much else to do. We went to Solvang and experienced the Danish capital of America. We ate good Danish style food at The Mustardseed. The drive was really nice, oceany and mountainy. We got to Santa Barbara and found a beach next to some tall cliffs and dipped our feet in the water. We went to town and took a sweet, chilly walk on the pier and saw the full moon reflect off the ocean. We got pizza from Rusty's, went to a Motel 6 in Goleta, and ate junk from Walgreen's.

Sunday
There was a Rusty's right near our motel that we saw in the morning. We had a long day of driving. Kit drove most of it. We drove on high, winding mountain roads on the Pacific Coast Highway. We stopped in Pismo for a while and ate too much saltwater taffy. Some of the flavors were pretty tasty. We went to Morro  Bay. There was heavy fog. We went to Morro Rock. It was grand and beautiful. It was my favorite. We went behind it and walked on a beach and on some big rocks. We ate seafood. I had delicious Cajun Cod. We tried to go to Hearst Castle, but the tours were closed. We walked thru a museum. I didn't really care. The castle looked nice from far away down a hill. The property was huge, 82,000 acres or so of ranches with cows. We stopped at a fancy hotel near Big Sur and looked at awesome coast views. Kit got gas before leaving the mountains. It was almost six dollars a gallon. It was a tiny station, and there was a restaurant and a tiny charter school next to it. Mom said it was a hippie hangout. It felt like a sanctuary. We drove to Salinas for In and Out Burger. I saw some pretty girls there, who I tried to stare at. We slept in Marina at a lovely Motel 6.

Monday
We got a bunch of junk from a drugstore, had donuts, and drove to Monterey. We walked around Cannery Row, not too exciting. We found the Aquarium and spent a while there. Jellyfish are very cool and strange. Big fish were fun. Giant octopus were shy. Leopard Sharks are pretty. Hammerheads. Rays are neat. Saw eight seals.
We stopped in San Juan Bautista, after driving thru tall eucalyptus trees. It was cold. I left my sweater in the car. The mission was pretty as were the views. We saw the stables from Vertigo. The tower was movie magic. There was a cool Jesus statue. The mission was founded on June 24th, which is Mom's birthday, and I didn't actually think of this until now, but it was that day. It's over 200 years old. There was a locked gate leading to a leafy graveyard. We walked on the main street, looking for food, and all we found was the Happy Rooster. They had Italian food and sandwiches. I got a turkey melt and balsamic salad. It was all good and lots of food. No one else was there. We decided to skip Muir Woods that day.
We left and drove to Santa Cruz. There was a crap carnival on the boardwalk that Mom did not know about. We left right away. We drove thru UC Santa Cruz. It was foggy and the trees and hills were beautiful.  Going toward San Francisco we saw a cool beach, so Kit stopped. We all went barefoot and walked in the water a little. Pat and I ran to a rocky outcrop jutting into the ocean. Kit came too. We climbed up and took photos. We found a small cave. The tide was coming in. Mom and Tim got there later. Tim saw the cave. Mom worried about the tide. We saw a seal or sea lion poke its head out the water. Tim and I ran back. Chariots of Fire. I took a lot of photos with Kit's camera. We washed our feet off with ocean water from a litter jug. I saw a jawbone and makeshift headstone for "what I think was a seal." We got to San Fran at night. It looked interesting. We ate at Tim's regular pizza joint, Piraat, about 10. This was Mom's birthday. Kit, Pat, and I got a sausage, jalepeno pizza. Mom had pepperoni and said it was the best pizza she had ever had. We crashed at the Beresford Arms, 6th floor.

Tuesday
I went to the lobby to get a bunch of free food for breakfast. We went out pretty early and walked to Downtown. It was misty. We went to a cafe called Bistro for coffees. We walked a lot this day. Went thru chinatown, walked up very steep hills, saw the crookedest street from the bottom a little ways away, and went to Coit tower where Mom had to use the bathroom and eat, which I mention, because she had a hard time with the hills, and I worried a bit about her. We went to City Lights bookstore. I bought A Coney Island of the Mind, because Aaron said too, and I was intrigued. Mom bought Cannery Row and Hocus Pocus. We walked to Fisherman's Wharf and got hot dogs and clam chowder in sourdough bowl and Ben and Jerry's. We walked around and saw a sea lion swim around the docks, and it kept poking its head up and looking around like it was confused. On a short walk to Ghiradelli Square, Kit bought a sourdough loaf. We went into a store and a cute girl gave us chocolate. She sounded Russian, because we were next to Russian Hill. I wanted to talk to her but was embarrassed. We looked at the crooked street from above, but that was not a good view. On the long walk back to the hotel, we went into Trader Joe's and Kit bought butter and cheese to make grilled cheese with his bread. I bought a bottle of wine for $2.50. We got back to the hotel after six and ate really good grilled cheese sandwiches.

Wednesday
We headed out about 9:30 and ate real nice at Honey Honey crepery. We caught a bus. I told everyone about a new video game idea, improved from Kung Foo Trouble, called Reign of Cold Fire. We rode to Haight. I stood up for a while and got really nauseous. There was a pretty Asian girl with tattoos, who Kit sat next to. We walked to Golden Gate park and walked thru the botanical garden. Lots of beautiful plants. I took a few pictures, one of which, one of a sequoia, is my phone background. Really big trees. I liked tit. Fragrance garden. I like coconut smell, little purple flower. We walked to Alamo Square. Tim and I took a grace-face photo. It was a pretty place. We went to city hall, big and ornate.Walked back to hotel, rested a while. Went for Chinese food. I accidentally ordered tofu and couldn't eat much, but the spicy pork was yummy. It was a nice place. Funny host. Went to cross the street grocery for ice cream, cookies. I ate lotta ice cream and drank wine till I had to stop and pour some out. Bed early, limo at six.

Thursday
Woke at 5:30 or so, waited in lobby for a bit, then limo came. Pat saw the guy out the window tuck in his shirt. He was nice and put our bags in the trunk. Little ways to airport. Got some food. Only food I bought. Pastries, milk, coffee. Waited a while. Kit got us on later flight to get free ticket vouchers. We shared a burrito and a weird white chocolate cappuccino. We played Star Fluxx. Pat slept. There was a girl with cool blonde hair at our gate. I saw her laptop, and it looked like she was on blogger.com. I wanted to sit next to her on plane, but she got on after us, and we sat in back. Didn't see where went, lost her forever [: hah. We stopped in Los Angeles. The views were very cool. I read a chapter of Karamazov. I listened to Mom's iPod. There was a beautiful cloud village. Shadows were amazing. Landing is always rough. I saw Austin from plane. We went to Kit's house and that is basically the end. Mom finally got her birthday cupcakes. Mini cheesecakes Lorena made. Blackberry jam was my favorite [I always stop myself from typing a 'u' in favourite.]

Real Life begins again.

aaron stacy

Best Friend versus Therapist. Or Best Friend and Best Therapist are Best Friends, good for me. Two sides of my psyche. I think Aaron knows a lot more than Stacy, and I want to say that he makes a lot more sense. Maybe because he leads the conversations he has with me and I get absorbed in his thoughts and make them my own and there is no friction and all is right. I lead my conversations with Stacy, and I don't know what I am talking about. I get lost in her presence and wanting it to go so well that I don't need any help, maybe the helpful things she says get mixed up with the incomprehensible things I say. Maybe I am being purposely self-deprecating. She wants me to let myself feel my feelings. I want to feel her. I wanted to hug her at the end, but I think she would have rather not. She says Aaron and I get lost in our heads and disconnected from the present moment of feeling our own feelings, and that we try to analyze everything and connect with the outside world so that we do not feel our own feelings or feel at all. Aaron talks about feelings as a way to understand what it means to be himself and to be in his place in life. I am exhausted by analyzing everything in a conclusive way. I will analyze things as long as I feel like it. I like to feel things happen to me. I don't like to have any affect on anything. What I like and what is best generally for all are probably not the same.

Traveler Sitting

2nd cup of coffee. Listen to Laura Lemure. 9:46 a.m. Porn... I hate it and myself. I lost all will power and self control. I am in a nebulous space. I have confined myself. I had peanut butter on toast. Welsh accent. Nino Kuni, Bender's Big Score. I tried to sleep on the couch. It was off and on. At six something I slept in the bed. Tomorrow, I have to go help Aaron move in temporarily, then I have to be back here Thursday to let the AC people work and give them a check.

I have a large infected pore bump or several on the left side of my neck. I can feel the skin stretch when i turn my neck. Tim said he'll bring me pizza rolls tonight, because I said I wanted him too, but he shouldn't even get any and shouldn't drive out here. But he'll get them anyway, because it is a strong habit. I want to read Karamazovs to cleanse myself. I'll get in the pool sometime today. I really want to watch more ApprenticeEh. Gosh I love those Canadians, and the Youtube movie sounds really fun. I love seeing it being made piece by piece almost at the same time that it is really happening. So much energy and beauty. I love to look at and listen to Saskia and Rianna. Their hairs are so cool. And they have cute faces and talk nicely. I like Steven a lot. He has a familiar American personality. I like his look and his mannerisms. I like the locations they vlog in and the hand held close face vlogging is intimate and they always seem earnest.

I don't think I will. It's a sink hole. I need to be creative and write. Writing is more creative than typing. I don't remember any dreams. Pregression. Growing my beard out. I looks crap, but I approve. I could read and write today. I could stop watching Youtube for good. I could take responsibility.
I saw Stacy yesterday. I had to pay for Friday since I cancelled too late. I tried to be real and honest. I always end up talking about unexpected things. I did think about talking about Dad and Terry and grief. I mostly said how strange childhood is and that I cannot relate. I feel shame in a strange way. Abstract shame, shame was on at least twice last night. I restarted it to see Carey Mulligan naked but I didn't stay to see her. I masturbated to breastfeeding adult women and a sick music video compilation of facefucking, I really hate that word/phrase, not as much as myself right now. I have to redeem myself. I don't want to be more like Aaron. I want to be myself. I want to be whole.

It's 10:15. 30 minutes go by. If one uses it well, there is so much time to go around. Vacation. I have to set goals and do difficult work so that I have something to vacation from. Money will run out right after we back.   Have to buy organic local vegetables, have to slough my intestines clean. I should weigh 20 fecal pounds less and 20 muscle pounds more. Want to watch Stranger Than Paradise.

The Living Wake is amazing. I want to suggest it to Aaron and Mom. I took a nice short walk at dusk. Where will this day go? I think I dreamed about a full, messy litter box. I need to go outside, write, read, read, write. Dance, think, be still, and stretch, and communicate, and reflect.

Done

shasha gggerdgtyhjkhljtrygulhj noop

Home, no TV. Mom, no disease. Internet, close mind, so close to me. World wide. Foundation of daily social interaction. Fish. Death. Night, walk, river. Winona Ryder. Face of beauty. Souls sleep. Facebook health discussions. Hazy eyes. Mom comes home soon, hopefully. Hopefully, I am not irretrievably naive. Hopefully, the dogs and family members do not die at the wrong time. If anything happens, it happens at the right time, because that is the time it happened. I died right now. Try to pet Emerson with my foot. He is behind me. Try to ask Aaron about God. Cook shrimp. Don't be embarrassed by this. I have no idea how to eat well. Daisy is alone. All night. The dogs annoy me. No lives are empty. Jovial penguin negro baller, aptitude jetset, be pee niss, player fiscal ficus brain turd, nerd fart, little licks of mexican strip tits, maller man hole joke call phone bone jone, fool, bool... soccer, nobody justerfier.
Stegosaurus Trap... Wonder. My life is empty. I am immediate, unjustified. Where is the water, Where is my life? I'm a hole in a hole. Happy Mothers DAy, mothra. It's a good job. YOu need a cheese grater, grateful, be more of a today human. Slap the bug bites. Good old home. I am the only one who knows. No one's life is the same as another's. Surgically remove insect infections. Young people on the bridge, loud with phones, Horrible mothers, long overdue books. Drowned in the sink, chiropractor.

its over bye, haha, in a good, food (same pronunciation) night boyyyyyyyyyyyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

offday, retry, knowme

I'm at mom's with the dogs and buddy. It's 9 am. I had planned to be at Craig's today now, until last night. I was very tired. I went back and forth between wanting to stay here, not go, and thinking that to go would be best for me, and I should go, and it'll be hard no matter what, difficult, no homeless. I was going to go at eight to do yoga with Craig and the wooffers, but whatever. Evan is going to the hospital unexpectedly I think, so I need to take care of Daisy. I was talking to mom on the phone, and after I told her about evan, and we acknowledged that we felt bad, I started to choke up and struggled to talk without weeping, even though mom would have been understanding and helpful, but I was embarrassed, and the feelings were too difficult to acknowledge. When the call ended I let myself cry. It reminded me of watching In America at this house a few months ago, and when the baby is born, I thought about the kid they had who died, and no matter what this baby will also die, but probably wont be a baby when heshit does... die... daaaaaaaa. I thought of writing a story called The Sad Family, in which sad stuff keeps happening. dogs dying.. hmmm, bad idea

I have got to do yoga soon. shower. masturbate, i dunno, i wanted to watch porn, because I had porny dreams, which I realised were super gross.
At jan's when I slept for about 3 or 4 hours, Later on in the car I remembered that I dreamed I made out with ashley, except she didnt open her mouth and didnt seem to want to kiss, but was okay with letting me pry at her lips with my tongue, and in the car I was disturbed by this, i thought of texting her about it. I drove to Elgin to see mom, MON-night. I think that's when I exclaimed in the car, I'm so fucking weird! I got there just when mom was going for a walk, we walked slow thru tthe graveyard. Listening to dodger, why not. Im so horny.. I cant help you with that. Hah, jim jam... Shim Sham, YOU get in the bawwwx!

I dont know how I was able to be around those people for two days, or eight hours a day two days in a row. I dont really feel like I was myself there. I feel like myself here now. I tried to determine where and when I do feel like myself. The apartment, most of the time when I am alone, hardly ever when I am with people I know. I think I can feel like myself in acrowd, I felt like i was not myself at the metric show, i tried too hard to have fun and enjoy the music and move, dance thing, i only liked a few songs.

I had to go outside to sign for mom's pills. After I got back inside, I pretended to do a vlog, and I jittered and acted weird and jerked and babbled. And tried to explain what I think.

how is you and this?

this is real

I'm not trying to sound any way. I only want to say what I am and know. On the virgin tears, I think about what bothers me about myself and life of me. I see Dodger's face and hear voice and think I want to fuck her so bad. I don't know exactly what that means. I imagined making out with her. It felt like a betrayal and a failure, like I was ruining her image, because I think I was. Within the past few weeks I thought once that the body is the most holy part of a human, because it was given to us. Don't know what holy really means. I mean the body is what we commune thru, it's part of the universe, and our minds feel separate.
Let's talk about me. My back needs to be straighter. My spine is my favorite part of me. It needs my love and attention. I watched Kat Edmondson on Austin City Limits. I danced to a waltz she sang. She sang a slow song and looked about to cry. I do not want to watch SNL now or stay up for it. I feel like it will be hard to sleep tonight. I do not want to unmake the bed here at Jan and Ed's. I am tired and sleepy. I want to lie on the floor or lay on the not tell lies on the floor. I have to go watch SNL, because it could be amazing. Hmm, pretty silly and stupid and weird, comforting, sad, retrospective.

Jesus give me strength! I thought of asking Evan how long he's been a christian. Not when he was baptized but when he decided to be christian.

I watched The girl you wish you hadn't started a conversation with at a party. Some boring jokes, some funny. Dodger talked about gardens, people eating better. I saw a commercial for a phone with a bunch of glass breaking. Made me think it was a waste of glass, wonder what they did with it, wonder why people want to see things destroyed. I thought of a constructive commercial, song, Im making apple streudel for the children upstairs and downstairs. and he is and the environment is safe and creative. Have to go to sleep. Wake up at 8. see iron man, DAMNIT! i have to sit good for it. I have to eat well before and after, have to think about what to eat. CAke! the band, MR mastodon farm!! Fuck Shit! Watts! I am hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, bert erny, weeeerrrrrpppp. OK I am funny and done.

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