Human People

There was a beautiful person at Pleasant Hill yesterday. She worked on a laptop by the windows. She got up a few times to look at books and go to the restroom. I shelved some books near her. I wanted to stare at her, but I only glanced a few times. She had longish orange hair tied in the back, shaved on the side. She wore a white tank top. She had a what seemed to be a perfect body, about 5'6" I think. I didn't get a good look, but her face seemed squarish, gentle, and strong. Her skin was pinkish peach. She seemed European or futuristic.

I felt gross compared to her. I felt creepy when shelving near her. Even without hearing my thoughts, she would think I am creepy. It was somewhat painful to see her or think about her. I wanted to get over her, but that was impossible. I didn't want to think anything about her that did not match her apparent beauty and grace. There was an old guy walking around near her. I hoped he wasn't thinking anything nasty about her. In my head I commanded him not to.

I briefly imagined talking to her, but I felt there was really no way I could. I didn't want to know anything about her for fear that she has glaring personality flaws, interior ugliness. Wanting a perfect woman is quite selfish and sexist of me. I even thought about being intimate with her, just snuggling and petting and kissing, and both of us being silent so as not to ruin anything. In that way I wanted her to be like a pet dog, for us to love each other unconditionally. Even dogs have conditions, basic as they are. I went into the restroom. I looked in the mirror. I thought that I had to kill her. I wondered why I would think that (other than it being something overly dramatic and pseudo-interesting that I have heard from TV and movies.) Part of it is so that no one else can have her, since I can't. The biggest part is just that it pains me to know she exists and that I can't "have her" like a pet. Sex pet. Really I just want her to be happy. It is way too bad that I barely thought of her as a human. It is good that I am realising this though. It's not like I could ever ever be outwardly violent or disrespectful. Of course it takes a lot of work to be respectful, to care about the well being of others as much as mine. But I want to be a better person, just for my own sake. I want to make it easier to live with myself.

Anyway, I hope she is doing well. She looks very beautiful. Everyone should know that.