Again Today

I just told myself a few days ago that I was sure I would never watch porn again. Somehow I let myself. I masturbated twice in the last 12 hours. Last night I was thinking about texting Ranisha to see if I can go to her place Friday night then I could get a blowjob and titfuck her maybe even have sex, then I came and I thought how stupid that idea was. Then I watched more porn this morning then thought of texting her again and letting her make me come. It even seems like something I want to do still. I thought of the order of sexual acts I could do with her. First we make out and I feel her up and maybe finger her, but that's gross, because I actually think she is gross, but I get so excited. I am never going to text her again. I'll just reply to her. I hung out with Ashley last night. After I left I thought of asking her, Would it be gross or uncomfortable if I touched you? Because I really want to. I want to make out with her. I am afraid that I will remind her of Tim or she thinks it is taboo to be with two brothers even over a year apart. Like the Lone Ranger, it's pretty weird. She usually is not that pretty to me. But I am so close to her, I really think I love her. I imagined leaning over and wrapping my arms around her tightly. Putting my head on her shoulder. I made Pina Coladas. Ashley and Jay had a small glass each and I had two and half I think. We played Gloom, which Ashley enjoyed it seemed. I won by a hundred. It was fun. Jay went to bed. We played with Sly and listened to We Are Undenyable, and watched youtube and I told her a little about ASMR, we watched tiny candy food making videos. I forgot my keys and we hugged three times I think, never really as full or long as i want. I wish I was the same height as her. I should have put the bag down and crouched until our eyes were even, then one arm up and one down. Really I want her boobs to press against my chest and put my chin on her neck and press our ears together.

I went to the Food Bank at one yesterday. I left at the break at 2:30. I made more coffee and watched 30 Rock. Now Why? is playing and I think about Andrea's breasts. i have to search breast massage now.

what else, Gravity's Rainbow is difficult to understand. Thinking alot bout mtg, added to cold fire yesterday and tim read what i have. Going to bastrop soon. Movie with aaron and evan, life aquatic. Sleep at mom's. Have a better thursday.