Traveler Sitting

2nd cup of coffee. Listen to Laura Lemure. 9:46 a.m. Porn... I hate it and myself. I lost all will power and self control. I am in a nebulous space. I have confined myself. I had peanut butter on toast. Welsh accent. Nino Kuni, Bender's Big Score. I tried to sleep on the couch. It was off and on. At six something I slept in the bed. Tomorrow, I have to go help Aaron move in temporarily, then I have to be back here Thursday to let the AC people work and give them a check.

I have a large infected pore bump or several on the left side of my neck. I can feel the skin stretch when i turn my neck. Tim said he'll bring me pizza rolls tonight, because I said I wanted him too, but he shouldn't even get any and shouldn't drive out here. But he'll get them anyway, because it is a strong habit. I want to read Karamazovs to cleanse myself. I'll get in the pool sometime today. I really want to watch more ApprenticeEh. Gosh I love those Canadians, and the Youtube movie sounds really fun. I love seeing it being made piece by piece almost at the same time that it is really happening. So much energy and beauty. I love to look at and listen to Saskia and Rianna. Their hairs are so cool. And they have cute faces and talk nicely. I like Steven a lot. He has a familiar American personality. I like his look and his mannerisms. I like the locations they vlog in and the hand held close face vlogging is intimate and they always seem earnest.

I don't think I will. It's a sink hole. I need to be creative and write. Writing is more creative than typing. I don't remember any dreams. Pregression. Growing my beard out. I looks crap, but I approve. I could read and write today. I could stop watching Youtube for good. I could take responsibility.
I saw Stacy yesterday. I had to pay for Friday since I cancelled too late. I tried to be real and honest. I always end up talking about unexpected things. I did think about talking about Dad and Terry and grief. I mostly said how strange childhood is and that I cannot relate. I feel shame in a strange way. Abstract shame, shame was on at least twice last night. I restarted it to see Carey Mulligan naked but I didn't stay to see her. I masturbated to breastfeeding adult women and a sick music video compilation of facefucking, I really hate that word/phrase, not as much as myself right now. I have to redeem myself. I don't want to be more like Aaron. I want to be myself. I want to be whole.

It's 10:15. 30 minutes go by. If one uses it well, there is so much time to go around. Vacation. I have to set goals and do difficult work so that I have something to vacation from. Money will run out right after we back.   Have to buy organic local vegetables, have to slough my intestines clean. I should weigh 20 fecal pounds less and 20 muscle pounds more. Want to watch Stranger Than Paradise.

The Living Wake is amazing. I want to suggest it to Aaron and Mom. I took a nice short walk at dusk. Where will this day go? I think I dreamed about a full, messy litter box. I need to go outside, write, read, read, write. Dance, think, be still, and stretch, and communicate, and reflect.

Done