New Is Good

I went back to sleep, because I wanted to remember a dream. I think I was dreaming, but the banging of the trash being picked up woke me up. Before I fell asleep I had the feeling that my legs were arms. I was all tingly in a frustrating way. I slept for maybe an hour, but it went so fast. I am listening to Humans. I can't think of a better band name, but I can think of better music. Sitting in this chair will mess me up. How can I be so comfortable, when this position will later make me so uncomfortable. The same way eating tons of M&Ms can feel so good, then later it hurts. I stopped watching porn, and I am even more passionate this time about never doing it again. I am going to tell Stacy about it Friday. I hope that I can break the habit and lose the impulse to watch in few weeks, based on what I heard from Woody on PKA, that it takes three weeks for something to become a habit. I hope that it works the other way, but it may be harder to break a habit that to form one. I hope that I can eliminate my perverse sexual thoughts and fantasies. It's only been four days since I watched porn. I really do not want to disappointment myself. I think maybe I should call Sprouts to see about my background check. I don't really know. I have no instructions. I don't remember everything Warren said in the voicemail. I could just listen to it again. I think I should wait to hear about drug testing. It is weird for a company to check for chemicals in urine. They should just ask employees if recreational drug use will interfere with their job. That's just me though. I feel like I am sane sometimes.

Sometimes I don't. Pat and Tim were here at Jan's with me last night. They stayed until midnite. We tried to play bezzerwizzer while watching TV. Tim fell asleep. This is Ed's house too. I am really afraid in general and about this job. I want to listen to Expectations by Belle and Sebastian. I settled on the Helio Sequnce instead. New music is so.. hopeful. Or finding music that I like is. I am really grateful for Spotify.

What will life be like on Friday? I have to call the dentist to get cavities filled. It's so boring and dead. I realized all this crime and desolation is because people are so bored. We need things to do to make ourselves better. Not that we always think we are not good enough. We should see amazing potential in ourselves. Everyone should see it in everyone and everything. Then act on it to bring it out and reach it. I don't know what our potential is, but we should believe in it and do what we can, do what we know is right.

I feel arrogant to think I have amazing potential, but I have been down on myself for a long time and it's difficult to see there is another way to relate to reality. I call myself defeatist and fatalist, and that makes it worse. I try to be open and honest. The gap between my conscience and my physicality still seems so wide. What can I do to close it? I think talking to people would help. Actually talking, actually being with someone and connecting. Why is that so frightening? I have cocooned myself so well. This blog is a way to connect, but I don't tell anyone about, because I would be terribly embarrassed to talk about it, or the things in it, in real life. In person I mean. I have thought that it would be nice to get a comment on my blog. To connect with someone. I have assimilated internet into my reality. I was interrupted by a phone call from Sprouts giving me job. I have to not be so stupid. That's negative.

Mom called, saying she's excited (I texted her about the job) and proud. I said thanks. I said I am a little bit excited and nervous. She said it's normal to feel a combination of excitement and anxiety. They are pretty much the same I think. Maybe excitement is anxiety that feels good, and anxiety is excitement that feels bad. Anyway, neither is boredom and that's good.

Bye, bye, love, Greg.