Something to do. This is controlled and substantial. I am standing at my laptop, listening to Spotify radio.We Have Band. Then Pat came in and I stopped for a while, we checked the mail. Julie sent me and aaron postcards from Georgia. I microwaved a cucumber and put salt and oil and chili powder on it. I scrambled an egg in the left over oil and ate it. I am having a second cup of coffee. It's pretty much an actual cup. I signed up for a three hour shift at the food bank tomorrow afternoon. I played OFF for a while. It's getting more taxing. I sort of want to play Mother 3. But I think Aaron wants me to read. I read some last night, but it was crazy hard. I closed the book and got out a letter from Aaron and read four pages of that. Last night I wrote that Free Write on ego-youthful. I've thought about asking Aaron to read it. I thought about telling him how I think about killing him a lot. I told him, I hope i didnt kill you, because I put my finger in his drink. After I said it I thought, I don't care if you die, it might even be better if you do. Getting the ECG at PPD was sort of scary. It felt like dystopia where everyone is sick all the time and hooked up to machines and are unhappy and scared. I tried to sit down to read last night, but it was very uncomfortable, so I stood for a while and changed my position a lot and bounced or swayed. This coffee cream is nice. It's toffee i think. I really don't know what to do. I was thinking that all the problems in the universe are the result of matter being arranged the wrong way. That's why this guy is here treating this woman badly. The chemicals in his brain are wrong or he's supposed to be working in a field on the other side of the world where he is happy and this woman is supposed to be sleeping and having a nice dream.
Pat is eating cheese rolls and scrolling thru netflix. He's told me to eat pizza rolls a few times since last night. I told him i am trying to be healthy, even though for lunch I had a peanut butter sandwich with three oreos on it. After my chicken potato dinner I ate some vanilla wafers. The chicken was probably pretty unhealthy. Oh pat put on an LCD soundsystem documentary. Buebuey
Then the day changed.
It was nothing. It was a mistake or not. I am off the wagon. I kicked the bucket. Is that a reference to hanging oneself? Anyway I got up and ate nilla wafers and peanut butter then a cheese roll and peproni roll and cherry coke. I felt like it didn't matter. There was tasty foods around me. My stomach can do it. They won't really get inside my blood and in my cells and if they do they'll just feed them and they won't mutate them or make them die. Maybe. I really barely know anything. I know things I can see, but I can't see much.

In an hour and a half I have to get ready to go to food bank. I'm watching apprenticeEh. I annoy and frustrate Aaron by doing "nothing". What I do is watch youtube and play videogames and eat. He wants me to read. I can expand my reality by reading. I think watching vlogs can expand my reality. I feel like I accept nothing about my reality. I feel like it is all wrong. I will shower soon. I don't want to get my teeth out. I am afraid of the pain, but it won't last long.

I don't know what to say or how to end it. I mean that doubly about this and about my life. Not as in I am going to kill myself but I don't know how, but as in I don't know what the end or purpose of my life is. I don't know how to pursue some kind of life goal. I don't know how to find out what that goal is. I don't know how to make choices. I often feel like I am not real. I am not who I am.

What's for lunch. What will I wear. What will I say and do.