Just just just just

I got up about fifteen minutes ago. I have been in weird moods even for me. I love that the air is getting colder. But I feel like I am in high school again. I feel desperately confused, overwhelmed and out of my own control. I see Stacy tomorrow. Also Kit and I plan to bike. I wanted to text Mom about the weather and wish her a good day. I think I will still do that. I would have but my phone froze.

My hands are masks and twigs. I cannot erase or picture anything. My hands are shaking but I am not cold. They're a little sweaty. My knee sucks, probably because I suck. Can I save the bacteria? I would rather be E coli. I wonder if all my brothers will be here Saturday night. I thought of playing Pandemic, but we may just have time for Small World.

I want to listen to Today More Than Any Other Day right now.

I have been feeling weird because I keep thinking back on all the time I have spent in this apartment and how it will end soon and then I do not know what I should do or what I really want to do.

I feel so young and also that I may be halfway dead.

What do we do!??

All I can think is that Youtube will make me happy. Or at least distract me/lift my mood for a bit...

Grocery shopping is such a huge problem.

Just Canada........ Just Ought....... I am about to cry.

Patrick walked in a few minutes ago in his underwear holding a towel. He is in the shower now.

I do feel like I am in an endless loop. It has to be this time of year. I saw a person sitting in a car in front of the apartment. I imagined they were dead. I wished that someone would die, like my Mom or one of my brothers. Then I imagined Cheryl dying.

I just want so much to change. I want to be shocked into living a life that means something.

Somehow positive.

Composition.

Just... I have next to zero understanding of anything that people do.

and I am a person...