offday, retry, knowme

I'm at mom's with the dogs and buddy. It's 9 am. I had planned to be at Craig's today now, until last night. I was very tired. I went back and forth between wanting to stay here, not go, and thinking that to go would be best for me, and I should go, and it'll be hard no matter what, difficult, no homeless. I was going to go at eight to do yoga with Craig and the wooffers, but whatever. Evan is going to the hospital unexpectedly I think, so I need to take care of Daisy. I was talking to mom on the phone, and after I told her about evan, and we acknowledged that we felt bad, I started to choke up and struggled to talk without weeping, even though mom would have been understanding and helpful, but I was embarrassed, and the feelings were too difficult to acknowledge. When the call ended I let myself cry. It reminded me of watching In America at this house a few months ago, and when the baby is born, I thought about the kid they had who died, and no matter what this baby will also die, but probably wont be a baby when heshit does... die... daaaaaaaa. I thought of writing a story called The Sad Family, in which sad stuff keeps happening. dogs dying.. hmmm, bad idea

I have got to do yoga soon. shower. masturbate, i dunno, i wanted to watch porn, because I had porny dreams, which I realised were super gross.
At jan's when I slept for about 3 or 4 hours, Later on in the car I remembered that I dreamed I made out with ashley, except she didnt open her mouth and didnt seem to want to kiss, but was okay with letting me pry at her lips with my tongue, and in the car I was disturbed by this, i thought of texting her about it. I drove to Elgin to see mom, MON-night. I think that's when I exclaimed in the car, I'm so fucking weird! I got there just when mom was going for a walk, we walked slow thru tthe graveyard. Listening to dodger, why not. Im so horny.. I cant help you with that. Hah, jim jam... Shim Sham, YOU get in the bawwwx!

I dont know how I was able to be around those people for two days, or eight hours a day two days in a row. I dont really feel like I was myself there. I feel like myself here now. I tried to determine where and when I do feel like myself. The apartment, most of the time when I am alone, hardly ever when I am with people I know. I think I can feel like myself in acrowd, I felt like i was not myself at the metric show, i tried too hard to have fun and enjoy the music and move, dance thing, i only liked a few songs.

I had to go outside to sign for mom's pills. After I got back inside, I pretended to do a vlog, and I jittered and acted weird and jerked and babbled. And tried to explain what I think.

how is you and this?