this is real

I'm not trying to sound any way. I only want to say what I am and know. On the virgin tears, I think about what bothers me about myself and life of me. I see Dodger's face and hear voice and think I want to fuck her so bad. I don't know exactly what that means. I imagined making out with her. It felt like a betrayal and a failure, like I was ruining her image, because I think I was. Within the past few weeks I thought once that the body is the most holy part of a human, because it was given to us. Don't know what holy really means. I mean the body is what we commune thru, it's part of the universe, and our minds feel separate.
Let's talk about me. My back needs to be straighter. My spine is my favorite part of me. It needs my love and attention. I watched Kat Edmondson on Austin City Limits. I danced to a waltz she sang. She sang a slow song and looked about to cry. I do not want to watch SNL now or stay up for it. I feel like it will be hard to sleep tonight. I do not want to unmake the bed here at Jan and Ed's. I am tired and sleepy. I want to lie on the floor or lay on the not tell lies on the floor. I have to go watch SNL, because it could be amazing. Hmm, pretty silly and stupid and weird, comforting, sad, retrospective.

Jesus give me strength! I thought of asking Evan how long he's been a christian. Not when he was baptized but when he decided to be christian.

I watched The girl you wish you hadn't started a conversation with at a party. Some boring jokes, some funny. Dodger talked about gardens, people eating better. I saw a commercial for a phone with a bunch of glass breaking. Made me think it was a waste of glass, wonder what they did with it, wonder why people want to see things destroyed. I thought of a constructive commercial, song, Im making apple streudel for the children upstairs and downstairs. and he is and the environment is safe and creative. Have to go to sleep. Wake up at 8. see iron man, DAMNIT! i have to sit good for it. I have to eat well before and after, have to think about what to eat. CAke! the band, MR mastodon farm!! Fuck Shit! Watts! I am hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, bert erny, weeeerrrrrpppp. OK I am funny and done.