Masturbation Journal 14 [y.o.]

                           I waited almost 13 days then I whacked off 3 times in 12 hours. I think the contemplative sound of Cat Power's Sea of Love made me want to write this. Aaaron, and Hemingwaay, aand being comfortable made me want, and still make me, to write [type] standing up. I stood up to work most of last night. I think the work itself, or maybe it's just me, makes me tense up neck and shoulders.My legs get slightly weary but it feels better than having sore butt, back, neck from sitting too much, alot may be sycological of me thinking that standing is better for me, like the way some vegetables taste better to me because i think they are healthy. I was going to make salad last night, but I pussyfucked out. I get to live in bastrop for half of next week while mom is a library conference in fort worth. I'm listening to my bloody valentine, so gazey, ambient,  subconcious. I had a really crappy dream of being at home with domino and brothers and domino acted sick and crawled into a big fire in the fire place and layed down on a log, he didnt react to the fire at all and just acted sleepy, I thought he needed to die and he knew it, but the fire burned him but didnt kill him, he was out later i think we took him out because he didnt die, tim held him and he was very small and had charred fur and was sort of orange, maybe it was buddy.
                         I read about Boston, because dodger had mentioned something happened in boston. A bunch of people blew up. I want to say something evil about it because I shouldnt. I am slightly concerned about aaron. I know he sympathizes with the victims and the loved ones, because he is better and smarter than me. If those runners werent such gay retards maybe theyd still be unblown up. I make myself want to laugh shortly and cry forever. Then I laugh again. I listen to Weezer in the garage. My rapper name is G-RiffRaff. It's beautiful. Oh all the sudden I notice I'm sitting on a stool and I didnt notice me sitting down and that it goes against wanting to stand, but backless stool is better than backed chair or couch.I need to do stretches. After this temp job is over I never want to do office work again.I want to play DnD again with more sets and players.I made coffee with french vanilla creamer instead of milk because we out of milk, it's espresso. The Gruffalo's Child was very comforting, even when I had to pee real bad. I cannot masturbate again until May. "Rejoicing in the Hands" {{{{{{::::::: How to Be Happy!>>?<@!<>!@<!<#!@><#

Call them all at the end. She was at her locker I got off work I looked at her tried to smile, she drank gatorade i think it was green

As long as this takes, without fear.

I took the plastic and cardboard to the recycling bin. I wanted to go outside and just to do something. The bin is full, so I turned around and thought I'll check tomorrow. I heard someone through and apartment window. Sounded like a young girl. I thought that I notice a lot. I thought of the people near my apartment who might have seen me walk to the bin and might see me walk back to the apartment. I imagined them thinking I was an idiot for thinking that recycling matters and for wanting to recycle egg cartons. Those people I imagined made me sad and embarrassed. I thought, all I can do is not kill myself. That also made me sad, and I began to wonder why I thought that. My pulse rate rose. It also rose earlier, when I read an Onion review of Game of Thrones, which was thoroughly pornographic. I thought of talking to Stacy about my suicidal thoughts. Then I thought of telling her it is hard to handle myself during extended free time, especially alone. Then I thought of actually handling myself, as in masturbation, and telling Stacy that last Wednesday I decided to quit porn and actually mean it and make that promise to myself last. I haven't masturbated since Monday, late at night, almost one week. I have touched myself a little in a sensual way, but not for more than a minute and not with any goal. It's all about improving myself.
It's already so late in the day.
I started my food log again. I eat horribly. I am hoping that going to Craig's will help me change my diet. I have to call him though, but I am afraid again. I act like I want to do nothing. I think I want to do a lot, but I never actually want to do anything. What is it? What is that? I am grateful for Blogger.com. I would have too many files on my laptop otherwise.
I am afraid of myself. I am the most dangerous thing for myself. I am afraid of pain, physical pain. I am afraid of believing I am in hell, either from a mental issue or from actual hell on earth. Somehow people don't die and they're always on fire, everything hurts all the time... I am scaring myself. As I was breaking boxes I thought, If we don't try to make things better all the time, then hell on earth is a constant threat. I thought of the Rapture and crazy Christians, maybe they have mental disorders that make them fear apocalypse, or think that they know the only way to avoid it. I really love Aaron. I really want to know what he knows. I want to try to understand the ideas of God and purpose and eternal love. I love to pet a cat.
Listening to Bright Eyes. Everything is intense. Pat is still sleeping from his after class nap.

I wonder. About so much. A song to pass the time, very beautiful... I feel it. I am weak from emotions.

Dodger Leigh... so beautiful. I want to kiss with her. Close to tears. We have to take the trash out today. I am tiny, fragile... I am beautiful.

Cry... Save it. Save everything. It's precious. It's willful. What is it to do? Jaw tightens up. Nose trickles.

What can I do at this moment. Why am I so overwhelmed so quickly, so incapacitated. Pat and I watched Holy Motors last night. I fell asleep in the last 15 minutes. I watched the last scene today. It is an odd film. I liked it mostly.

I am afraid of Patrick finding me type this and of him reading it and judging me and disapproving. I am nervous about working in a week. It will be easy and fine. Mom will feel less pressure, and that is the best.
I must be perfect. Grammar and everything.

OK I guess I am out of things to say. See ya.

go by by

I am at the apartment alone. Tim works. Pat is at class. I dropped him off 30 minutes ago. I went to Dittmar park to throw discs, but it was crowded and some women looked like they were going to the picnic table or a spot near the basket. I was embarrassed to be seen and embarrassed that I was uncomfortable being around people.

Monday night I went to bed about 2 am, after we beat Arkham Horror. Then, I watched porn and ASMR for 3 hours, which is astounding. I watched a lot of Kink.com and Public Disgrace videos. One aroused me intensely, but all made me sad for the people in them. (My stomach feels upset.) I had told myself a short time earlier that I would not masturbate except on Saturday, so I can break the habit. After three hours of compulsive porn watching, I decided it would be better to masturbate, so I would go to sleep. The next day I thought how stupid I was last night.

I brought this up, because part of me wants to watch porn and masturbate right now. A bigger, better part of me does not. I felt uneasy opening the apartment door, knowing I'd be alone. I need to think of Domino as a judge. Every few minutes I'll think of porn and think yeah, that's a good idea. Oh... I want to read, or a small, noble part of me wants to read. It seems like a paradox that I want to be my idea of a better person, but I almost never want to do things that make me closer to that person. Maybe better is not a useful word. I guess it's self-actualization. I need to be completely me. I don't need to, but I want to, and I think that is the point of life or something... I always think about Aaron, when I wonder what I should do or I try to analyze myself.

Chrishna is my new band name. Cupboardry Coventry. Coala Cangaroo.

My free writes on the other blog may be useless. I guess I want to stop this and read Brothers Karamazov. I still want to eat crap and porn and pleasure myself. I have to lay on the floor, because it sounds like the best option and I want to.

I did that for a minute. Domino partly distracted me. I coughed and wanted to type that I've been stopped up nasally, and I wonder why. I need to be outside. OK, I go. byby

... Later:
I walked across the road, but it was too cold and I decided reading is better anyway. Earlier I thought of porn and masturbating, then I said Jesus, and it seemed like I was praying for self-control and a way to purge these thoughts from myself. I don't think Jesus was or is special. I think everything has divinity in it. Everything is responsible for its own existence and the existence of everything else.

Corridoors of Time. Chrono Trigger soundtrack. That must be my favourite game of all time. I am so British and Sophisticated. Aham.. Colonial Beach Bargin Blasphemy. Bented Toyota Popular Afrowagen.

Shut it, Schristie!!! Sofochist. That word just led me to researching the origin of Masochist and Masoch and Amerigo and Emmerich. So America's name may come from a germanic name meaning "home power". That sounds appropriate.

Most importantly, I am obsessed with Dodger Leigh now, watching Coffeh Time excessively.

Like something. Again, Me or, Now, I say. Well, No. Because, Now, I am, Be Well. I am a good solid American Male man, waiting to exhale... Amen...

Future is Suppppppeeeerrrrrrrr :{RLBSER{p0itvq;9uyghi

Simply, I am at my life. It is so nice here. In my mom's house. I lived for 17 years. I could stay, but that is not living. I'll be back. I have to make a contribution to the fullest of my ability, or else it's a waste. I have to go to Craig's. I have to learn as much as I can. I have to be healthy and take care of myself in order to help the world and people.

I listened to Neutral Milk Hotel. Now I listen to Gifted Children. Both beautiful to the brink of disbelief. I dreamed about watching movies and making movies and topless girls and weird body positions and running away and old friends and their dads and a flooded park and a sick cat, Buddy, and he laid in the water and I thought he would drown so I picked him up and he was dry and alive and took him inside and there was candy and I had promised Max's dad I would see an action movie about a boat, even we and other men had seen an action movie that day already, I sat next to JD in the theater and said it is like renting a movie and he said we are renting the movie. Oh, yeah, I dreamed I saw Ranisha, but she was much more attractive and was dressed quite interestingly, and we ran to each other and embraced and kissed sort of sloppily.

I wrote a song in my head: I want to golf in the middle of a thunderstorm, get struck by lightening, go to the hospital, and eat lots of jello, cake, and candy.
I am the man who has everything, but I'm not happy.
I am the man who has everything, but it's not funny.

I told my mom that one thing I enjoy about doing work or something I don't want to do, but I know I should do, is that it allows me to enjoy even more thinking about and doing things I want to do that do not accomplish anything but give me pleasure and perhaps pleasure to others involved.
I also enjoy the sense of accomplishment in getting a job done, but unless I really believe in the job, that does not motivate me much.

I have to get ready in one hour. I love morning. I like it even more when I have something to do. I finished a chapter in Brothers Karamazov called A Hymn and a Secret. I made sure to understand it all. In the middle, I worried that I would not remember the words, just the ideas. I reread a bit and posted a section of dialogue in Facebook. Alyosha recalled someone's words twice in that chapter. He recalled an entire conversation.

Mom bought a tomato and a grapefruit at the Producer's Market. I masturbated 3 times yesterday within eight hours. Glah! Quite stupid. I think it's quite selfish for both people involved in love making. I don't understand it. I think that they are keeping each other from doing something more important. I guess it feels amazing, but there are people severely suffering nearby. I am usually keeping myself from doing more important things, usually not by masturbating, but watching netflix or listening to music or surfing the web. Or something like this. But this is supposed to be self-improvement so that I can understand what to do for myself so that I can understand what to do for everyone and everything.

Asmr video. I love to look at pretty girls so much sometimes my mind goes blank. Mom and I watched Queen of Versailles on Sunnight. I thought of that yesterday. Instead of saying SunDAY night, just say the beginning of the day's name and replace day with night. I think it's cool! This female has a nice voice. I don't know why I am nervous about seeing Craig again. I have to tell him I need to leave by 3:30, so I hope he does not mind.

I'm drinking so much green tea, I am so freaking pumped! Hot Rod, Andrea Gaylord. A pretty old actress on TCM, her life in Hollywood. Mom looked at Californian hotels online while working at ACC, last night. I look forward to that state. Sometimes I think I want to find an excuse to stay and work in California. We walked in the Elgin graveyard. I took pictures of gravestones and made jokes about them in texts to Tim. Mom talked to Pat on the phone. I found some graves with the last name Rader, and I texted Nikkin.

I texted her a lot but no response. It makes me a little sad. I like the idea of her now. I miss her. She seems rather unique, interesting, and brave. I might like to be her boyfriend person. I cannot separate her from the oral sex she gave me, but that just seems like a strange, unbelievable, and ill-conceived moment. I thought that I miss Andrea yesterday, but I only miss her body and kissing her. I miss Julie and Ashley a lot. I am going to call Aaron tonight, and that makes me nervous. I miss Stacy. She is very attractive to me. I think my excessive masturbating made me more horny, which sucks. I have to restrain myself for as long as I can. I am getting head tingles a lot this morning.

OK this could go on forever (King of Versailles), Bye bye now!!!!!!!!!!! Seeeeee yaaaaaaaaaaaaaSRKNBAERK

to better understand meroltsl

I have been awake for about 14 hours. My alarm went off. I went back to sleep. I got dressed. I made a an everything bagel and put beans and cheese on it and microwaved them. I watched the TV as Tim played Black Ops. I thought of what Craig might think of Tim. Is it a waste of life? Is it a horrible life? He seems happy enough. I cannot understand his wanting to play Black Ops so much. This darn fan is so loud. I'm going to watch waterwhispers Ilse. I hugged Ashley last night. Pat took us to eat sushi at Umi. I usually miss her as soon as I leave her, then I think that I am in love with her. In the car I saw a girl, and I thought I would probably fall in love with half of all girls if I spent any time with them.I have a date now. I am going to sleep. I'll wake up later. I'll be gone now, now, now. slee

What have I been doing?

I can't think of a more important question to ask myself, because that is it.

I stayed at Mom's last night. We ate fried frozen shrimp. Frozen broccoli in cheese sauce. Frozen garlic bread. We watched the Words. This line sticks out: "I'm not who I thought I was, and I'm terrified I never will be." Also: Fiction or Life, which is it going to be?

Mom went to work in the morning. I watched porn and masturbated. It seems like I was a different person this morning. I ate Frosted mini wheats and had coffee and creamer. I got nervous about going to the farm. (It's really a place with a few small gardens.) I showered for a while. I defrosted bread in the microwave. I ate it with chunky peanut butter and half a banana. I thought about how I would enjoy not going anywhere and hate myself if I didn't. I thought about how I could leave at anytime and I didn't have to work as hard as I could. Somehow, I convinced myself to go, even though I waited a little too late.

I confused north and south and took a while to get there. All the trees were burned or cut or broken. The houses were interesting. They were wooden boxes on top of roundish cob, earthen walls. They remind me of tree houses. I stopped at the gate and got out. Craig walked up to meet me. I asked if he was Craig. We shook hands. He was older and more friendly looking than I had expected.We walked toward the houses. He stopped halfway and talked about the burned trees and the house that had burned. He showed me the whole place. I met Katja, his German live-in friend. She's a music student and teacher. She's very pretty. I was happy to learn about all the fruit and vegetables growing. The bathroom is its own building. It's very nice. Peeing is done outside he said. I peed out there twice, just a little worried about being seen.

We went to work on the house. Plumbing and lighting. I dug out a pipe and cut it. I helped Craig with a light switch. I ate an apple and a tangerine. I stuffed steel wool into roof holes. Katja made us lunch. It was amaranth, lettuce, carrots, avocado, yeast powder, olive oil, apple vinegar. I asked Katja about Germany and told her of my trip. She talked about Germany. Five hours had passed. The day was practically done. I got up to leave. I said bye to Katja. I couldn't bring myself to say Nice to meet you to Katja, it sounds so fake, even though it especially was nice to meet her. Craig walked me to my car. We talked a little. I said Nice to meet you and I'm glad I came. I said I'd come next week. The End. I listened to music and drove back to the house. Mom was not there and Peabody was out. I called Mom and told her a little about my day. I got my junk and left. Sort of a sad drive to Austin. Pat's at class. I listened to Little Fluffy Clouds. I got on Facebook and watch a video from infowars about food that's bad for you. I looked up Craig's website, Rawfoodsbible.com. I got super anxious and paranoid about food and health. I thought about Mom getting cancer and worse diabetes. I asked what she was eating for dinner. She said on ACC night, sometimes she gets a burger. That was the worst. I didn't even care about myself anymore. I asked if she wanted to go to a farmer's market on Saturday. I tried to think of what Pat and I can eat tonight. I thought of the food in Target. Vegetables seem like alien food. I stopped trying and stopped caring. I made lemon tea.

I want Pat to be here. I'm listening to Emily Jane White. I feel like my old self again. It's not great. I feel like laziness and eating everything. I am going to Mom's Saturday morning, and we'll buy healthy vegetables. Oscars are Sunday. We've settled on barbeque I think. Burnt meat seems like cancer. So our lives are eating whatever and getting sick and paying high medical bills and getting sad then dying, with a lot of fun and games and searching for meaning in the middle.
So I am going to Craig's place on Monday. I have to call him Sunday. What's it like in his head? What's his life like? I saw him on youtube. I realized it's dangerous for me to form an alternate idea of him. A one sided relationship in which I watch him and judge him.

Okay. I'm done. Bye.

I accidentally ended on a negative. Craig and going to meet him has made me feel very positive about my future and the planet's future.
I love life. I love myself and everyone. Good good bye.

Doodoo

I fucked it. Aaron just left for Boston. I came home from the airport. I was thinking that his wise, reasonable words curb my jumbled, dramatic thoughts. I pulled into the parking spot, but I guess I thought the gas was the brake and I slammed into the stones in front of the spot. It felt like an attack. I hit my face on the wheel. I thought there'd be blood in my teeth, but I just tasted a little. I felt very stupid and predictable. I hit my knees on the steering column. It's broke. I couldn't turn the wheel much. I put a headlight case back on. My license plate is dented. The car won't start. I'm supposed to go to Johnson's Backyard Garden to volunteer tomorrow morning. Maybe I should call to get it fixed. Very embarrassing. Waste of money. Someone with a car to take me there early (8) tomorrow.
What the hell. I feel like I'm not going now. I guess it should be fixed, or maybe new car. I have no money and no job prospects. I love everything but it's so pointless. Damn God on beech... sheeet.... faaaakkkkee rrrrrrr. I miss Aaron already. Just four months to go. Who to do? What to go? Where to be? How to say?

Depressing grey day. 15,000,000,000 blowsnobs. I tried. I try. I am a little, feeble, bleak, tossed salada.
What kinds of things are good. Julie. Hang out, walk, talk to julie. ... Okay... Bye, freend.

Social

Why do I avoid activity and social interaction?

Am I afraid of something?

I'm afraid that I will really enjoy myself, and that everything will seem perfect and I'll love the light and love the air on my skin and in my lungs, and love the sounds, and then I'll be overwhelmed with perfect feelings and I'll be so happy that I want to cry, but someone will be there and I won't want them to see me cry, and I'll feel awkward and wrong, and I'll imagine that this person hates me and wants me to die and then I'll want to die, also I'll want to die because I don't want this perfect moment to end and give way to an unperfect moment. Also, I'm afraid that everything will go perfectly, and when I should be happy, instead I'll feel nothing and I'll think that nothing can really make me feel anything and I'll think that there is no point to anything.

So that is a problem. I'm listening to Zombies by Sunset, over and over, maybe I cannot lose all my bright happy senses while I hear this wonderful song. 

It is all in my head. What keeps me in my head? What stops me from calling him and taking a chance? Because it is so unsure. Anything can happen, and that scares me. I want to stay in my apartment, where I can control most of what happens and I am around familiar things, and the only thing that scares me is being trapped here and hating it and feeling nothing and missing out on everything beautiful outside of these walls.

Why should life be much more beautiful outside of these walls than inside of these walls? Why should I believe that the outside world is really there and I'm not just a brain? Because my brain is the outside world, because it's all the same. It's all the consciousness of a divine entity. All matter and energy and non-matter and non-energy is one simple thought, but not the kind of thought that a brain thinks, a much wider, simpler thought, like a pop, like a ring from a tuning fork, like Om, like the deepest breath ever. 

That's my take on it. Good bye now.

A dream, a night, and a morning.

On the second floor of a nice old condo with my family. I dunno. Wiating for relatives to come, getting ready for a party. It's crowded. Food, kitchen. Mom. Holy roman empire. Senate buildings, tall columns, old brown concrete. Cloudy day, only sunlight comes into room. I am accused of falsely applying for credit. Only someone else can apply for you. It doesn't make sense. The judges wear red and are stern and commanding. I am sentenced, exiled. We're on a city on top of a mountain. I am dressed all in black and painted black. I start walking away, then something forces me swiftly out of the city lower to cliffs. I am falling trying to avoid stone walls and columns. I redo  this fall a few times like it's a video game. Then I just soar off a cliff, flying towards a stone wall, I worry about breaking all my bones. I step off it. I'm falling almost parallel to the ground far below. I fall towards a forest. Long thin trees. I see large eagles everywhere sitting in the treetops, they look hostile, I don't want to smack into one.  I grab onto the top branches and swing around on them trying to slow my self down and lower myself safely to the ground. The tree bends incredibly and I transfer to another tree. I do get to the ground and roll unharmed. I feel as if I am only about a tenth as tall as thought I was. I see a school, several buildings  and people outside close by. I don't want to be seen, in case of trespassing or something. It's about dusk. There seems to be some public gathering, barbecue or something, behind maybe the school cafeteria. It is all unbecoming. I am thirsty so I go to an ice tea dispenser, but when I pull the tab a little bit of brown tea ice sticks out and stops, looks really syrupy. Some woman, like a lunch lady, comes to help, but I just take the lid off the dispenser and use my styrofoam cup to scoop some icy tea. I drink some thinking it will be way too sweet, but I'm thirsty enough not to care, the ice is nice.

That's my dream, beam. The Roman senate part was more psychedelic and technical than I can remember.

Last night Pat skipped work. Mom called me, made me feel uncomfortable and guilty. She talked to pat for a few minutes. Pat decided on Popeye's for dinner. We watched Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol and made fun of it, not that that was our intention. Sawyer from lost had a lot to do with it. We always made fun of Lost. We paused it in the middle to get ice cream from amy's. Delicious mexican vanilla.

Patrick and I watched a two hour youtube video called an evening with Kevin Smith. I don't like him much, but he's pretty funny sometimes and says some smart stuff.

Both having a job and not having a job seem ridiculous. Pat and I went to HEB because he wanted Zingers, even though he knows hostess doesn't exist anymore. He bought some Krimpets by tastycakes and a bag of caesar salad kit. People there. I looked at some. I wonder what they do. 

There was a pallet of ramen noodles about 8 feet high. I wonder how there is so much food around. There is not a lot more to life than food. I want to see what Craig's farm is like. Only two acres, like a big garden. His email scares me. I cannot call someone. I cannot answer phone calls. 

Listening to tobacco was thick. Headachey. I listen to Michelle Blades now. Wispy. Clear, tall, night, lights, thin, soft, cold, smooth. Strawberry ghost feels good. New weird america, folks. Sing a song. Cripple. Sensual, crying.

As a Member of This Species

Not a future for nothing

a healthy separation of ego and duty

I think about nothing, but then I think again, but I think about nothing, but then I think again, but I think about nothing, but then I think again, but I think about nothing, but then I think again, but I think about nothing, but then I think again, but I think about nothing, but then I think again, but I think about nothing, but then I think again, but I think about nothing, but then I think again, but I think about nothing, but then I think again, but I think about nothing, but then I think again, but I think about nothing, but then I think again, but I think about nothing, but then I think again, but I think about nothing, but  then I think again...

White Paper

Walking on a savanna with a Patrick, animals surround us, most of them eating animals or being eaten. I hear a voice over say we might be mauled by hyenas. I am afraid. We walk up a small hill where we find a sidewalk, which looks strange here. The sidewalk runs along the top of a ridge. We follow it. Soon there are store buildings, fences, and houses, which look ugly. The sidewalk ends and I step down onto grass, noticing a Nintendo DS on the ground. I look at it as I walk past. There are a man and woman walking behind us, and the woman says Hey, a DS! and picks it up. I tell Pat I had seen it but didn't care. We walk on a small grassy strip between a retail district and a residential district. We go into a store. It's small and plain. We sign in. There are ten or so people. We give them information about ourselves. We sit at white folding tables and eat cafeteria food. A man sitting with us talks to us. I do not know what we are doing there. After eating Pat, who I think is now J.D., farts loudly, and the man near us makes a face. I want to fart but am too embarrassed. I go to pee. The urinal is right near the restroom door and looks like it was homemade from plastic. Inside there is some metal contraption on the bottom with gears and rods and on the back are instructions on paper like it's a broken game. Anyway I pee on it.

I am busy in my mind. The internet is my other mother. I sleep inside it like a bear in winter. I am my own brother.

I have been watching TheWaterwhispers Ilse a lot. She turns me on easily. I guess I will watch two Good Mythical Morning episodes today.
I applied to Sprouts last night. That could be good. We went to Target and bought cookies and ate them and watched the Sarah Silverman Program.
I want the earth to be good to me. I want to be good to the earth. I am going to eat cereal soon.

Expressionless cat sits on windowsill and looks at the foreign outside. Does he want to go there? It is grey. Maybe in the sixties. Hungry pooping hungry pooping hungry pooping hungry pooping. Dying relaxing dying relaxing dying relaxing dying relaxing dying relaxing dying dying relaxing axing dying dying relaxing axing dying dying relaxing axing dying dying relaxing axing... I killed my father because it was fun, and I died when I did.

Has to Work

We are a body.

We answer the unsettling mysteries of eternity and now with the unsatisfying conclusions of every moment.

We are the United States of the United States.

I pace and jiggle to the happy and forlorn sounds of the blues...

What is the definition of "forlorn"? How do you define "forlorn"?

Missiissppi John hurt is a soul traveler. Nobody dies. Only a body can die.

We're so different than what we really are...

Just to lighten up...

Barfing farts...

Smelling love injustly.

Bellowing tiger for your breath to be fire at the stake, burning some young peace.........


Good
  morning Greg!
I put coffee +
water in the latte
maker- just add
milk + syrup + you're
ready.
   I'll call when I'm
on the way-
           Love,
                Mom

Here and Then

An hour ago I finished my first five days of test taking for Pearson. The first thing on my mind is the girl I sat next to today. My emotions about her (and generally about physical love) make me feel like crying. She sort of reminded me of Julie. I love Julie romantically more than I do anyone, I think. It's strange because I would be over the moon to be in a romantic, physical relationship with her, but in my mind she is Aaron's future wife and therefore untouchable. So, this girl, I lusted over her for four days. We never spoke, and I don't know if she noticed me. I pondered conquering my fear of speaking to her and attempted to devise plans to meet her and what to say. That's muddled language, but it's accurate. The thought that I loved her came up many times, and I tried to discourage it, like Aaron described in a letter to me. A few minutes ago, I asked myself why I had fallen for her so and why I was so nervous. She was cute. I imagined she was not older than 18. I liked her clothing and mannerisms. I was not watching her extremely closely; I still had to take tests. When she sat next to me today (we were assigned sectioned off work stations), I substantially freaked out internally. I sweated more and took a few minutes to read a couple of short sentences. I wanted to stare at her all day. I wanted to go on walk with her and hold her hand. I wanted to go to bed with her and just lay with her. So those desires were the cause of most of my nervousness. Also the weirdness of imagining us talking and getting to know each other, and spending the rest of our lives together... It didn't last long. I started thinking that I probably won't like her and she probably thinks I am ugly. I had the feeling of bitterness and giving up.

I'm listening to Huun-huur Tu. Nomad Song is super! Domino is climbing on me! Hard to type! I'll pet you later I said!

Goddam, what am I? Spinster Nazi Ninja... perhapppppppppppppppppssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

On the drive home I began thinking my thoughts as if writing my life story. I speculated as to how much I think differently from most humans and how many thousands or millions of humans think similarly to me.

I took a walk on a break, and, looking at a fence, buildings, and automobiles, I wanted to analyze how we have changed the face of the earth, what this land looked like a hundred years ago, and what we have made and why. A huge list that explains why things are this way here.

A man said to me today, "Nice shirt." I'm wearing my favorite shirt today. It is black with blue and red and has an illustration of a shore that goes all the way around the shirt. At the top is a lot tiny why spots for stars. It is righteous. Righteousness reminds me of Zelda. Going to India by Flaming Lips reminds me of Julie. It's called A Machine in India. Why do I think I am so special? It is so hard to connect with people. I need Aaron's help. I need my mother's help. I need Stacy's help. I need Ashley's help. I need the help of my brothers. I thought about that repetition sounding profound, not that it does, but that last sentence seems like an eternal human confession and necessary realization, brothers being a synonym for humankind.

OK, that's enough. Patrick came out of his room.

Bye bye, earth internet 

Sheep Go at Night

It's alone! I'm me! I never said that to be the one who said that.
I listen to Metaphorest for the first time. I heard them on a Levi's commercial that was just a music video. The actual video was also a music video. It was a cool song and video about waterfalls and San Francisco.
There are some girls from Dexter, Michigan. There is a boy from Dexter, Oregon. There are leaves on the ground. There are always everywhere songs. There are pictures of music outside up high.
I listened to a band called the W's for the first time. I am the 1990's staying at home watch TV on Sunny Day.
There are advertisements on every vertical surface. There are pristine kodachrome suburban streets. There are robes and baked goods. There is the feeling of a girl's tiny hairs on her skin. I don't know that.
There is an alcoholic tongue in my mouth. There is a stadium full of darkness. There are very, very, very quiet planets.
My mouth is sugar-coated. My shoes are coats.
Pat went to see Matt at Polvo's. Tim will be back from work in under an hour I presume I hope.
I should go outside as always. I read as always. Right now, I think I should be doing this. This is very me. It is what I do. I saw Ashley last night. We were great! There was quite a bit of sitting and staring. But we walked and I asked about houses and marriage.
I had a job today! It was my first day, and I could have 8 more. What a money machine. I can buy lots of coffee, damn it! I take high school tests for money. They want me to try my best, but I can do as bad as I want. On one essay, I tried to sound pretty stupid and typed a lot of run on sentences.
Metaphorest is tickling me pretty well. I want to vomit and die! Then play video games, work out, read and sleep for a while and wake up and go back to sleep and wake again and make coffee and eggs.
There is nothing happening and nothing to live for! I am going to live and love her (person I know) FOR EV ER!
I am going to visit other planets and moons (at least in the imaginary place behind my brain)!
I am taking off my hat. Consistence! For 333 years. I am liking your toadstool face. I break it off and chew it up and spit it on a sapling near the blacksmith's shop. Now you're a painting four towns to the left in a bowl of soup in a graveyard on top of the mountain where sheep go at night to pray for the soul of the universe that created ours.
The End.

Soem

My dad dies yesterday. Creeping grin. My friend is dead yesterday. Melting eyes.
I have watched 4 episodes of Frasier this morning. I ate 4 pizza rolls last night.
Patrick, Tim, Casey, and I played 3 holes of disc golf yesterday. Patrick and I left in Tim's car at 6.
Pat showered, and I dropped him off at the Metropolitan theater. Nobody knows who or what he went to see. He came in at about 11:30 last night while I was watching Anthony Bourdain in Tuscany.
In the afternoon, I took him to the post office and kicked around a piece of wood while I waited.
Then we went to the Erwin Center so he could drop off paper work for his employment. I thought about hell and sang Devil Town as I waited under trees 2822, 2823, 2824, and 2825. The metal tag for 2824 had broken off. There was an orange fungus at the base of tree 2823. I sliced bits of it with my flip flop.
Before Pat woke up, I watched the youtube. Then I watched Camille Crimson videos and jacked off sexually. I wonder how many hours of my life I remember. I don't think I can remember time from my life, but I canthe substance, like most of the episodes of the Office. I can remember walking along a weird country trail with Ashley and her standing on a mattress while I took a picture. I think I put a flower in her hair. We sat on my bed and watched videos and movies on my laptop. I have thought several times recently that I miss my life and I miss who I was. I guess that is called nostalgia. We look to the past because we know what to feel towards it. The future is unknown, but it is alive in the present as is the past.The force is sudden. Patrick drove Tim and I to Kit's house then went to three highways. I have never felt closer to crashing. My hands and feet were sweating profusely. Patrick going out scares me. It is unfamiliar.
After Casey and Tim got back from disc golfing, we went to Target. As we drove out of the apartments' parking lot, I smelled Casey, saw  his mass, and thought how Tim had said he hated him and was done with him. I was happy he was with us now. I was amazed at how life was still going on. Tim and Patrick were still seeing friends. I have not seen a friend in about a month. I almost enjoy how my life is going nowhere.
I saw the actor playing Frasier's son and what he was wearing and his hair and I wanted to put him in a huge meat grinder. I wonder how genuine my desire to kill people is.

Something and soemthing and something and another snomething.

I really hate Halloween. Maybe I like New Year Day because boobs. Being the end being the beginning.

How I Came to Spend So Much Time Tonight Online with Lily Dawn

One day I went to the poetry foundation online, because Aaron told me about it and I wanted to do something good and perhaps worthwhile. I read an article about Leigh Stein's Dispatch from the Future. Later on, I was interested in her poetry and I searched her on google and eventually found a site that posted a poem of hers. While there, I read a poem by xTx, and then I went to xTx's blog. I looked at what xTx was following and saw ben brooks lives here and read some of his blog. Days later, I revisit his blog and read more and find a post from Lily Dawn and links to her pages. So I followed and absorbed what I could. I think she is very cute, and I like that she is a bit older and I like her videos and her writings and I want to boyfriend her.
Now, Stuff -
I want to go to Julie's birthday tomorrow. I am very nervous to do that. I will most likely be out of place. I try to imagine talking to someone. I could tell them that I am practicing socializing. That's basically the reason I want to go, to practice being around people. Also I want to see the people and experience the pleasures of the situation. I'd like to prove that I am worth something, but I'm not sure what I am worth or how to prove it. I am very nervous about seeing Andrea there. It seems like I'd ruin her time if she saw me.
I imagine I seem quite pathetic to people. There was a woman in Target today. I have to go out before 11 am tomorrow. Tomorrow seems busy, but it's not really, relatively it is. I mean this day, this Thursday.
The woman in Target looked very nice. I got slightly sad thinking that I was in no position to talk to her or be of interest to her. I am a little worried that I am getting fat. That is silly, but I know I want to and should eat better. I've felt like listening to Dr. Dog's I Hope There's Love this night.
I thought, I don't want a job. I ignored a call today. I imagine it was from someone I asked for a job. I also ignored a call from Stacy and I miss her. She's my therapist, who I can't afford to see until I answers calls about jobs. I need to see her and talk about how I'm anxious about getting a job.
I see Kit tomorrow. He makes me nervous. I want to break things. I should sleep.
I feel like watching porn, but I am never going to again. I haven't in over a week and it feels great.
I hate this screen. My body is not doing well. Good Bye Now! ilove goodbye, bye bye, see people, nigght ayes

Post Title

I was extremely lethargic, watching Rhett and Link videos for most of the day.
I am almost frantic now. I feel life going by. I feel like I have to do something or I might implode and cease to be. I ate White Castle frozen burgers for breakfast. I ate a black bean burger and tortilla chips and cheddar cheese and cheerios and peanut butter all within about 2 hours.
I have had minimal textual contact. Jan called me, and we talked for a few minutes.
I am very okay at typing.
I'm listening to Modest Mouse. I read my old breakdown of what life is and should be. It was semi-inspirational.
I almost hate getting on facebook. I will ban it from myself for a week.
Reading any of the books I brought almost seems impossible. How am I going to read? Focusing is the most difficult task. It was actually Ugly Casanova that I was listening to.
I think I am addicted to the images of Rhett and Link and the sounds of their voices.
I am acutely aware of not having been outside today.
I had some weird, dramatic dreams.
I have to I have to.
There are one million and one things to say ay ay. I'm not singing, just repeating myself.
I reeally do not feel alive. I like Levek's music.
I cannot feel. All I do is feel. I cannot think. I cannot be. I want to sing.
UI ahve moved to the dining room table.
I feel bad for Traveler, the cat. It's too early to feed him and I am too afraid of anything happening to him and of losing him to let him outside.
I keep thinking that I am insane. Nothing about my behavior indicates sanity.
I am going to Hamilton Pool tom orrow with Ashley Oney. I know her full name. I only have vague ideas of how to connect with her. I think we're only friends because we are both very easy-going and like a lot of the same things.
It frightens me to try to connect with Aaron. It feels like hope, sanity, faith, and existence are at stake in our relationship.
I must be way too serious. I must be way too ungrateful. I am not really either. At least I try not to be.
There is nothing for me to do. I cannot go outside. I could, but I would not be at ease trying to figure out what to do in a place where people can see me. I am afaraind of carpull tunnel sindrome.
I want to eat my own face.
I want to tear off my genitalls.
This makes me think I may not be sane. I don't really want to, but I think I do, because something is frustrating me. Something about my actions, my choices, my personality.
It's the nothingness, the horror. The triviality, the sameness, the oneness, the endlessness.
Eagerness, anticipation, dumbfoundedness. Tastelessness. Brutality. Insanity. Blossoming.
These things in one way or another are killing me and driving me up inside a tree.

I am a peaceful ocean scene. Carolyn bought Toaster a thomas. She sent it in mail. It's in box. It's over roads  in North America. It's unending oneness. It's a trivial map route. Inside the Toaster's brain there's a matchbox. It is creating early human ancestors. There are rainy days on the coast of Oregon. It is becoming night again and night again. There are fires everywhere in the human bodies. Little cats have fires in every little cat hair. There are blazing hairs and there is no relief. There are no days off.
There are no endless hair brains, filling out forms and putting out fires.
There is something in listening to regina Spektor.
We can go everywhere. Perpetually human, suspended and open.
That is good to say, and to ty



pe.
bye

This is something!

Hi, Internet Journal!

It's a wonderful Wednesday! I have not done much today. I made a lot of comments on facebook. That was pretty lame and mildly amusing. I masturbated to Sasha Grey. I should not type that, because I should not have done that. I listen to cool songs on gooveShrark! Modest Mousy stuff and Joanna Newsomy stuff! Page France, Ugly Cassanova, Okkervil River, The Mountain Goats, Levek, Jason Anderson, Lower Dens.
I wrote mein dreams down. Some scary, some ordinary. I play tested my Worldfire deck a lot and changed some cards.
Yesterday, mother came and took us to see Dark Knight Rises. I like the way Bane talks. In his speech on TV it looked like he was going cross-eyed. At one point I wanted to read all about the guy who killed those people at the premier. I didn't really like much about the movie. We drove back to the apartment, and Tim went with us to play tennis. Mom and Tim won 6 games to 4 against Pat and me. We went to Sonic and Double Daves. We went back home, ate, and watched Breaking Bad. I drank almost an entire large Root Beer float, and my stomach hurt later.
If Aaron sees her, asks her, then texts me, I will find out if Paige will allow me to go with her and Aaron to Big Bend next week. I am excited to be close to her for three days. She is exceptionally attractive. I hope that somehow we will touch or kiss... but that is a far off fantasy I am quite sure.
Aaron seems to plan not to go to the beach this summer, and I asked Ashley if the two of us can go. She seems to like the idea. I want to be able to touch and hold her in the tent. I don't know why, but kissing her does not seem possible. I think she will respect her relationship with Ruben when we are alone, but I don't want her to think that that means she and I cannot be intimate while we are on a trip while she has some boyfriend who is not there. That was an ill-constructed sentence. I want to be attractive and interesting to someone who I want to impress, who I think is attractive and interesting. Namely, Ashley or Paige.
I am not sure if my beard is disgusting or ridiculous or if it is actually nice or something.
The picnic with Julie, Aaron, and Peter on Sunday afternoon went well. We walked to the graffiti place. It was hot. Julie and Peter did not deal with the heat well. I suppose Julie was tired from being active all day.
I got to touch her arm a little. Weird.
It seems things are always falling short of their potential, especially conversations, when Aaron is around, because it seems he always tries to make moments more meaningful, partly by talking in a meaningful way, but the people around him, especially me, think that it's enough just being together and living comfortably where ever we are... I speak only for myself.
It's Thursday! It's stupid to be a slave to my desires. I am addicted to Good Mythical Morning.
Not sure what to do.. Okay, I gotta go!!!!!!!
Bye, Lover!
xxooXXoo<3 p="p">

Put a grave in heiro. I am gravely looking forward to it. I remove myself from everything. Empty child holds me. I gladly speak for it intestinally, a cat on my lap. Mr. CoffeeLips, Yes. I cannot remove myself from myself. Somethings remove me from myself. Disc Golf and dreams while asleep. Sigur Ros in the video screen. Aisles at Target. Speakers on medium. I hunger for a while.

everyday in me

I am going to type everything I have wanted to say in the past two days right now.

I don't like my life. I think I am wasting it. I don't want a service job. I don't want to go to school. I want to sell my semen. I clicked on the link in my e-mail, but I could not get to the questionnaire.

I listened to some tune-yards yesterday. She made me happy. Patrick turned on the TV and looked at the Disney movies and I checked the chronology and we watched The Rescuers. Tim came home in the middle and watched the rest with us. It gave me mild enjoyment. Earlier, on Monday, I watched a documentary called Thirst, which I liked, then I watched a documentary, for which we had seen a trailer quite a while ago, called Nature of Existence. It was all right, far-reaching, and directionless.

On Sunday morning, I watched a documentary called Which Way Home, about children trying to come into the U.S. through Mexico. I was enjoying it, then I searched for porn on my laptop and paused the movie, went to my room and masturbated. I took a shower and went back to the movie.
I was pretty good. I liked the darkness and realism. There was Nick Cave's Song for Jesse throughout it. After that I watched a movie called Lbs. It was interesting and different than I thought it would be, then Kit and Tim came in and we watched some together, then Kit left. Tim had a new phone that he was focused on. I liked the movie; it was sort of inspirational; the guy lost a lot of weight. It felt pretty true to life.

I read some of A Poetry Handbook and the contemporary poetry anthology. I wish I were a lot less horny. I wish so much did not make me feel like crying. I wish I were a lot less afraid of people.
Somehow, it seems I could be okay with dying. I don't think I put much value on human life. Death and violence upset me very much, but I don't think anyone should be alive. I don't want anyone to die, but a dead body is just as useful as a living one.

I don't like pain; I don't like sadness. How much joy can one person take? God is beyond the infinite. Infinity is limited because it cannot be expressed in finite terms. I learned that from a Jew.

Something is killing me. I saw two pretty fat people at Target. I broke plans with Ashley. I blew off the party at Julie's.

I am not healthy in many ways. I do want to live well while I am alive.
Aaron just wants to be perfect, so that he can be closer to God.

What's the moral? What's the lesson? What's the imperative? Can we speak with trees or sun?

I should be clean and calm and collected. I should be sustainable. We have played quite a bit of Duel of the Planeswalkers on the PS3 lately. Tomorrow is America's birthday. 236 I believe, if my math is correct.
"He ate a bunch of hoagies, now he's thin... Well that's bullshit."

I do not know what to do. Reading is a chore. I don't know how to make it mean something.

Words are pretty, they look pretty, they sound pretty, not as pretty as a pretty woman. I need to see Ashley today. I want to tell her many things, I want to hug her very tight. I want to smell her.

I have to keep reading good poets, whoever they are, maybe soon I'll be able to tell. I have to start writing good poems and affecting people with my poetry, and affecting the universe. I have to think more practically. I cannot conceive of the universe much less affecting it. I cannot even conceive my own reality. I can't conceive a baby. I want someone to use my sperm to make a baby, then eighteen years later, my child comes to find me, and we meet and it's awkward and we don't get along well or want to see each other again. How blissful.

I can't imagine getting older, even though I have and am. We are going to see Safety Not Guaranteed. It should make us cry and be happy to be alive. That is all. We shall go see the fireworks by the river. How quaint a day, how preposterous.

I am dizzy. I am forced. How to care about things . . . Am a creator. I do not need anyone else. I must have some human contact. I must not admit defeat. everyday every day ev ery d ay