Simply, I am at my life. It is so nice here. In my mom's house. I lived for 17 years. I could stay, but that is not living. I'll be back. I have to make a contribution to the fullest of my ability, or else it's a waste. I have to go to Craig's. I have to learn as much as I can. I have to be healthy and take care of myself in order to help the world and people.
I listened to Neutral Milk Hotel. Now I listen to Gifted Children. Both beautiful to the brink of disbelief. I dreamed about watching movies and making movies and topless girls and weird body positions and running away and old friends and their dads and a flooded park and a sick cat, Buddy, and he laid in the water and I thought he would drown so I picked him up and he was dry and alive and took him inside and there was candy and I had promised Max's dad I would see an action movie about a boat, even we and other men had seen an action movie that day already, I sat next to JD in the theater and said it is like renting a movie and he said we are renting the movie. Oh, yeah, I dreamed I saw Ranisha, but she was much more attractive and was dressed quite interestingly, and we ran to each other and embraced and kissed sort of sloppily.
I wrote a song in my head: I want to golf in the middle of a thunderstorm, get struck by lightening, go to the hospital, and eat lots of jello, cake, and candy.
I am the man who has everything, but I'm not happy.
I am the man who has everything, but it's not funny.
I told my mom that one thing I enjoy about doing work or something I don't want to do, but I know I should do, is that it allows me to enjoy even more thinking about and doing things I want to do that do not accomplish anything but give me pleasure and perhaps pleasure to others involved.
I also enjoy the sense of accomplishment in getting a job done, but unless I really believe in the job, that does not motivate me much.
I have to get ready in one hour. I love morning. I like it even more when I have something to do. I finished a chapter in Brothers Karamazov called A Hymn and a Secret. I made sure to understand it all. In the middle, I worried that I would not remember the words, just the ideas. I reread a bit and posted a section of dialogue in Facebook. Alyosha recalled someone's words twice in that chapter. He recalled an entire conversation.
Mom bought a tomato and a grapefruit at the Producer's Market. I masturbated 3 times yesterday within eight hours. Glah! Quite stupid. I think it's quite selfish for both people involved in love making. I don't understand it. I think that they are keeping each other from doing something more important. I guess it feels amazing, but there are people severely suffering nearby. I am usually keeping myself from doing more important things, usually not by masturbating, but watching netflix or listening to music or surfing the web. Or something like this. But this is supposed to be self-improvement so that I can understand what to do for myself so that I can understand what to do for everyone and everything.
Asmr video. I love to look at pretty girls so much sometimes my mind goes blank. Mom and I watched Queen of Versailles on Sunnight. I thought of that yesterday. Instead of saying SunDAY night, just say the beginning of the day's name and replace day with night. I think it's cool! This female has a nice voice. I don't know why I am nervous about seeing Craig again. I have to tell him I need to leave by 3:30, so I hope he does not mind.
I'm drinking so much green tea, I am so freaking pumped! Hot Rod, Andrea Gaylord. A pretty old actress on TCM, her life in Hollywood. Mom looked at Californian hotels online while working at ACC, last night. I look forward to that state. Sometimes I think I want to find an excuse to stay and work in California. We walked in the Elgin graveyard. I took pictures of gravestones and made jokes about them in texts to Tim. Mom talked to Pat on the phone. I found some graves with the last name Rader, and I texted Nikkin.
I texted her a lot but no response. It makes me a little sad. I like the idea of her now. I miss her. She seems rather unique, interesting, and brave. I might like to be her boyfriend person. I cannot separate her from the oral sex she gave me, but that just seems like a strange, unbelievable, and ill-conceived moment. I thought that I miss Andrea yesterday, but I only miss her body and kissing her. I miss Julie and Ashley a lot. I am going to call Aaron tonight, and that makes me nervous. I miss Stacy. She is very attractive to me. I think my excessive masturbating made me more horny, which sucks. I have to restrain myself for as long as I can. I am getting head tingles a lot this morning.
OK this could go on forever (King of Versailles), Bye bye now!!!!!!!!!!! Seeeeee yaaaaaaaaaaaaaSRKNBAERK
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