Thursday, January 10, 2013

Social

Why do I avoid activity and social interaction?
Am I afraid of something?

I'm afraid that I will really enjoy myself, and that everything will seem perfect and I'll love the light and love the air on my skin and in my lungs, and love the sounds, and then I'll be overwhelmed with perfect feelings and I'll be so happy that I want to cry, but someone will be there and I won't want them to see me cry, and I'll feel awkward and wrong, and I'll imagine that this person hates me and wants me to die and then I'll want to die, also I'll want to die because I don't want this perfect moment to end and give way to an unperfect moment. Also, I'm afraid that everything will go perfectly, and when I should be happy, instead I'll feel nothing and I'll think that nothing can really make me feel anything and I'll think that there is no point to anything.

So that is a problem. I'm listening to Zombies by Sunset, over and over, maybe I cannot lose all my bright happy senses while I hear this wonderful song. 

It is all in my head. What keeps me in my head? What stops me from calling him and taking a chance? Because it is so unsure. Anything can happen, and that scares me. I want to stay in my apartment, where I can control most of what happens and I am around familiar things, and the only thing that scares me is being trapped here and hating it and feeling nothing and missing out on everything beautiful outside of these walls.

Why should life be much more beautiful outside of these walls than inside of these walls? Why should I believe that the outside world is really there and I'm not just a brain? Because my brain is the outside world, because it's all the same. It's all the consciousness of a divine entity. All matter and energy and non-matter and non-energy is one simple thought, but not the kind of thought that a brain thinks, a much wider, simpler thought, like a pop, like a ring from a tuning fork, like Om, like the deepest breath ever. 

That's my take on it. Good bye now.



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