go by by

I am at the apartment alone. Tim works. Pat is at class. I dropped him off 30 minutes ago. I went to Dittmar park to throw discs, but it was crowded and some women looked like they were going to the picnic table or a spot near the basket. I was embarrassed to be seen and embarrassed that I was uncomfortable being around people.

Monday night I went to bed about 2 am, after we beat Arkham Horror. Then, I watched porn and ASMR for 3 hours, which is astounding. I watched a lot of Kink.com and Public Disgrace videos. One aroused me intensely, but all made me sad for the people in them. (My stomach feels upset.) I had told myself a short time earlier that I would not masturbate except on Saturday, so I can break the habit. After three hours of compulsive porn watching, I decided it would be better to masturbate, so I would go to sleep. The next day I thought how stupid I was last night.

I brought this up, because part of me wants to watch porn and masturbate right now. A bigger, better part of me does not. I felt uneasy opening the apartment door, knowing I'd be alone. I need to think of Domino as a judge. Every few minutes I'll think of porn and think yeah, that's a good idea. Oh... I want to read, or a small, noble part of me wants to read. It seems like a paradox that I want to be my idea of a better person, but I almost never want to do things that make me closer to that person. Maybe better is not a useful word. I guess it's self-actualization. I need to be completely me. I don't need to, but I want to, and I think that is the point of life or something... I always think about Aaron, when I wonder what I should do or I try to analyze myself.

Chrishna is my new band name. Cupboardry Coventry. Coala Cangaroo.

My free writes on the other blog may be useless. I guess I want to stop this and read Brothers Karamazov. I still want to eat crap and porn and pleasure myself. I have to lay on the floor, because it sounds like the best option and I want to.

I did that for a minute. Domino partly distracted me. I coughed and wanted to type that I've been stopped up nasally, and I wonder why. I need to be outside. OK, I go. byby

... Later:
I walked across the road, but it was too cold and I decided reading is better anyway. Earlier I thought of porn and masturbating, then I said Jesus, and it seemed like I was praying for self-control and a way to purge these thoughts from myself. I don't think Jesus was or is special. I think everything has divinity in it. Everything is responsible for its own existence and the existence of everything else.

Corridoors of Time. Chrono Trigger soundtrack. That must be my favourite game of all time. I am so British and Sophisticated. Aham.. Colonial Beach Bargin Blasphemy. Bented Toyota Popular Afrowagen.

Shut it, Schristie!!! Sofochist. That word just led me to researching the origin of Masochist and Masoch and Amerigo and Emmerich. So America's name may come from a germanic name meaning "home power". That sounds appropriate.

Most importantly, I am obsessed with Dodger Leigh now, watching Coffeh Time excessively.

Like something. Again, Me or, Now, I say. Well, No. Because, Now, I am, Be Well. I am a good solid American Male man, waiting to exhale... Amen...