An hour ago I finished my first five days of test taking for Pearson. The first thing on my mind is the girl I sat next to today. My emotions about her (and generally about physical love) make me feel like crying. She sort of reminded me of Julie. I love Julie romantically more than I do anyone, I think. It's strange because I would be over the moon to be in a romantic, physical relationship with her, but in my mind she is Aaron's future wife and therefore untouchable. So, this girl, I lusted over her for four days. We never spoke, and I don't know if she noticed me. I pondered conquering my fear of speaking to her and attempted to devise plans to meet her and what to say. That's muddled language, but it's accurate. The thought that I loved her came up many times, and I tried to discourage it, like Aaron described in a letter to me. A few minutes ago, I asked myself why I had fallen for her so and why I was so nervous. She was cute. I imagined she was not older than 18. I liked her clothing and mannerisms. I was not watching her extremely closely; I still had to take tests. When she sat next to me today (we were assigned sectioned off work stations), I substantially freaked out internally. I sweated more and took a few minutes to read a couple of short sentences. I wanted to stare at her all day. I wanted to go on walk with her and hold her hand. I wanted to go to bed with her and just lay with her. So those desires were the cause of most of my nervousness. Also the weirdness of imagining us talking and getting to know each other, and spending the rest of our lives together... It didn't last long. I started thinking that I probably won't like her and she probably thinks I am ugly. I had the feeling of bitterness and giving up.
I'm listening to Huun-huur Tu. Nomad Song is super! Domino is climbing on me! Hard to type! I'll pet you later I said!
Goddam, what am I? Spinster Nazi Ninja... perhapppppppppppppppppssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.
On the drive home I began thinking my thoughts as if writing my life story. I speculated as to how much I think differently from most humans and how many thousands or millions of humans think similarly to me.
I took a walk on a break, and, looking at a fence, buildings, and automobiles, I wanted to analyze how we have changed the face of the earth, what this land looked like a hundred years ago, and what we have made and why. A huge list that explains why things are this way here.
A man said to me today, "Nice shirt." I'm wearing my favorite shirt today. It is black with blue and red and has an illustration of a shore that goes all the way around the shirt. At the top is a lot tiny why spots for stars. It is righteous. Righteousness reminds me of Zelda. Going to India by Flaming Lips reminds me of Julie. It's called A Machine in India. Why do I think I am so special? It is so hard to connect with people. I need Aaron's help. I need my mother's help. I need Stacy's help. I need Ashley's help. I need the help of my brothers. I thought about that repetition sounding profound, not that it does, but that last sentence seems like an eternal human confession and necessary realization, brothers being a synonym for humankind.
OK, that's enough. Patrick came out of his room.
Bye bye, earth internet
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