Gregory Wredberg, Time Line, as of 2011

Family

May 5 1945 - Dad is born somewhere in Massachusetts: William James Wredberg, youngest of 3, siblings Tootsie and Connie

~1951 - Dad's family moves to Dallas

June 24 1953 - Mom is born in Houston, Texas or nearby: Barbara Gail Milner, oldest of 3, siblings Jan and Doug

1968/69 - Mom is 15 and her mom, Willa Joyce, kills herself by running a car in a garage while her kids are at her sister's. She has to take care of her sibs Her dad and brother and sister? live in Belize for a while, and she lives in California for the summer of 1969. She studied in France for a few weeks and visited London and Italy.

~1970 - Dad and Adele Wallace get married and soon divorce.

~1971 - Mom marries Ken, and they soon divorce.

Mom and Dad work at B Dalton Book Seller in Houston. Dad's manager.

~1975 - Mom and Dad move from Houston, Texas to Austin, Texas, attend University of Texas (UT), and graduate.

October 8 1979 - My brother Christopher Milner Wredberg is born. At age 11 he switches from being called Chris to being called Kit and sticks with Kit.

November 8 1983 - My brother Patrick Alexander Wredberg is born. He is called Pat. A 13 or so when he is mad at Kit and our cousin Luke maybe about preventing him from playing in the backyard and punches through a glass door cutting his inner wrist and making a cool scar that looks like a crop circle.

September 27 1983 - My brother Timothy James Wredberg is born. As a baby, he chews Mom's hair then a blanket. He is called Tim.

December 18 1989 - I, Gregory Douglas Wredberg, am born. It was very cold. It was the afternoon. My Aunt Jan had waited then went back to Oklahoma before I was born.

1992 - Family moves to semi-rural/suburban Bastrop, Texas. Dad still works in Austin. Mom has been home for a long time.

1994~ - Mom and Dad get divorced. Dad moves into an apartment in Austin.

Dad remarries Adele.

~1996 - Mom marries Terry Harris. He moves in with us.

May 1998 - Kit graduates high school. In August, he begins to attend UT, and lives in a dorm then apartments. He graduates from UT 5 or so years later.

November 2001 - Dad dies of lung cancer at Adele's parents' house in Dallas.

May 2002 - Pat graduates high school. In August, he begins to attend UT, and lives in a dorm then apartments. He graduates from UT 6 or so years later.

November 2003 - Terry dies of lung cancer at our home, while my brothers and I spend a weekend at Pat's and Kit's apartment in Austin.

May 2006 - Tim graduates high school. In August, he begins to attend UT. He lives in a student apartment with Patrick. He quits school after about a year and starts working at the IRS.

~~Throughout my childhood, my brothers and I play a lot of video games and Magic: the Gathering card game with each other. Starting when I am about 11, we go to Magic: the Gathering tournaments several times a year.

Personal

Fall 2004 or Spring 2005 - I begin a friendship with Ashley Oney; we have a speech class together. We are both very shy and quiet.

February and Spring 2006 - Kim Boike and I date a few times; we are in German together. I like her a lot. I touch her chest over her clothes at night on the road in front of my house and laying on the floor of my brother's room while a movie plays on a TV. He walks in and sees me touching her. We quietly leave. I say to her, I think he saw me fingering your chest. I am sad that summer after she says we will not be a couple.

June 2006 - Tim gets me a job working at Tracy's Drive 'n Grocery part-time, after school.

Mom gets me a 1986 Volvo.

May 2007 - I perform didgeridoo and toaster at a high school talent show alongside my friend Alex Ramirez and the rest of the band, The Steezniles.

2006/2007 - I visit Ashley at her house several times, and we watch movies. We lose touch in our senior year, like I did with most friends. She dates John Moore, who I was someone I had spent time

May 2008 - I graduate from high school.

August 2008 - I begin to attend St. Edward's University. I live in a dorm. I fail all my classes.

November 2008, Thanksiving break - I am invited to a party at my old friend Max's house in the country. There are quite a few people from our high school class. I get there sort of late. I had been to the Renaissance Festival that day. After some people have left, some of us decide to paint each other in the garage. It's sort of a contest. I enjoy being on a team of two girls who I admire. Kelly is one. I see them in underwear. Kristie wear no bra, I see her boobs, and I think it's my first time seeing boobs. We take communal showers, with clothes on. They play games and watch WALL-E. I feel unwell. I try to poop, but I can't. I decide to go home. It's about 5 am. Max expresses concern. I say bye. I am very tired. I almost fall asleep and drive off the road a couple times. It hurts to stay alert. I get home and vomit in a toilet, relieved.

Spring 2009 - Several times I hang out and go out with Nikki Rader who I had met in high school German last year. She is two years younger than me. I took her home and we sit in my car in the parking lot in front of her apartment and make out for a little while. It's the first time I think I have really kissed someone. I am elated. Three times she gives me oral sex. I am obsessed with her. I want to have sex with her. I touch her genitals. I buy condoms. Soon we are not talking to each other. I try to contact her with no result. I was going to take her to an Animal Collective concert, but she wants to go to the Bastrop High School graduation ceremony, so I take her best friend and roommate Nick. He is gay.

I meet Aaron at St. Edward's. We hang out and talk a lot. I talk to him more than anyone else.

Fall 2010 - I take my last few classes at St. Edward's.

October 2010 - I start working about 20 hours a month at the Frank Erwin Events Center and the football stadium at UT.

February 2011 - I attend Texas Healing Arts Institute massage school for about a month and quit.

June 2011 - I drive my Mom's Jeep Liberty to Albuquerque to WWOOF. I leave after two or three days. I just want to go home.

[ i wrote the following today, December 31, 2019 :

my life is out of control

 internet and TV and games . . . i am whatever . . . fantasy and myself . . . chaos , Earth . . . Space . . . Time  ....  i am okay . . .  i just drank rum and wine . . .  okay.  lay ter ]

Free Write

Free Dome Ride

Old feelings die red and funk revived, Pilsner

. . . .  Semaphore Tonselectomy

Radical patron, smush

Jalepeno


I love you . I hate you .

I want to kiss you . I want to eat you . . .

I am listening to Sublime by Mark Kozelek

I just drank at least 3 shots of rum , Ron Rio

It is 11:00 a.m.

My has been talking to Jan and Kit

We plan to do Yoga in a minute. I set it all up

It is now 12:04

I got pretty drunk and emotional while doing Yoga

We talked about the beach and Yoga and Yoga on the Beach...
Yesterday I asked if she wants to go to the beach this winter. She booked an AirBnB.

Okay, later, love, you

I want to go to these places

for at least three weeks :

Cleveland

Canton

St. Louis

Chicago

Detroit

Windsor

Milwaukee

Madison

Minneapolis

Winnipeg

A Poem for You and the Stars of Your Eyes

Poem poem poem, can you see?

Some time , Your word , Hypnotize

the glow of the stars of the eyes of Krystal.

Blowing Minds , Booming Whisper . . .

Realize, actualize, crystalize, eternalize

the stars of Krystal's eyes . . .

Or some thing like that.

The Breath of My Innocent Goldfish

I Created an Alloyed Seam

A Screenplay


Songs and Audio

The most recent Sleep with Me podcast episode, at time of the final edit, plays at the beginning of the movie, and plays the whole episode throughout the movie, just quiet enough to hear, but not interfering with other audio. It pauses during silent parts.

"The Hill" by Marketa Irglova, the version from the scene in Once, plays through and part of it with just piano plays on a loop for a few minutes.

"My House" by Flo Rida plays three times in a row, it gets louder near the end of the second play, and at the start of the third play it fades out slowly evenly throughout the song, so that the very end of the song is silent.

"I Created an Alloyed Seam" by Gregory Wredberg. I have not recorded this yet, but I think it will just be me saying the title about 50 times with no music, less than two minutes. It will play at the opening credits and at the closing credits.

"Farewell Transmission" by Songs: Ohia plays near the end.

A song by Sun Kil Moon, maybe My Love for You is Undying or something like it.

A song by Cribshitter, probably Jellyshoes. And Sunshine.

A song by Grand Buffet, maybe Oh My God, You're Weird, or one of their most sincere songs.

A song by Blackalicious, maybe Vessel. And Release with Saul Williams, Dose One, and Zach De La Rocha.



Elements of the Movie

There should be ten straight minutes of silence somewhere in the middle.

There should be ten straight minutes of a black screen.

There should be another solid color screen, maybe white fade to pink fade to red, or reverse, or black to red to pink to white, for about a minute.


Screenplay

The opening credits are like in old movies with separate screens and everyone's name in the cast and crew, alphabetically, and a different still background from the movie on each.

Silent and black after the credits for one minute.

Cut to an oak tree trunk about three feet away at night with a telephone pole security light behind it above screen.

Cut to the ground about two feet away. Dirt, sticks, and a bit of grass.

Cut to me lying asleep in bed, from the perspective of someone about 6 feet tall standing about two feet from the side of the bed.

Outline, Autobiography of Gregory Wredberg

1989
 - i am conceived and Born on December 18th.

1992
 - my family moves to Bastrop, summer I think.

1994
 - Mom and Dad divorce, I do not remember.

Mom dates terry, I remember she gets angry at him once, she yells, Go home, after he accidentally drops a glass on the floor.

1996
 - Mom and Terry marry

 - Terry is fine, harmless, somewhat interesting

Dad remarries Adele

                    Generality 

 - i like Dad a lot sometimes, i don't like Adele most of the time.

 - Brothers and I see Dad every other weekend and holidays

 - I don't feel much except I like video games, other games, funny shows and movies

2000
 - Family trip with Terry and Steven to Disney World, I remember a few good moments, a few bad, and a few dull ones

2001
 - Trip to New York City on the weekend before September 11, 2001

 - November, Dad dies of lung cancer

 - School is a blackhole?

 - Awkward, Uncomfortable, Stupid Social Life

 - I try the trombone in 6th, 7th, and 8th grades.

- I sort of become self aware for the first time. having abstract thoughts, introspection

2003
 - November, Terry dies of lung cancer

 - lose touch with most of reality

2004
 - Mom's Dad, Pampa Sid, dies

 - Dad's sister, Tootsie, dies

 - I love music a lot, of Montreal, Mates of State, Neutral Milk Hotel, others

 - Don't care about school at all, want to sleep or watch movies

2005
 - Spring break, School trip to Germany with teacher and three older students, mostly waste that experience, make a few nice memories, wider perspective of Earth

2006
 - August, Tim goes to UT and gets an apartment with Patrick, so I only live with mom

 - Kim, Ashley, and I go to concerts, Ghostland Observatory, of Montreal

 - February, Date Kim for a few weeks, touch her chest above clothess, sad that we broke up

 - June, start working at Tracy's Drive-In Grocery, sucking up time and money, saving some, very boring, want to quit, make a few nice memories and acquaintances

 - Hang out with Ashley regularly

 - Hang out with Mom and at home a lot, I get annoyed and sick of her sometimes, and I love her a lot sometimes.

2007
 - Ashley dates John and we lose touch

 - I don't really have friends

 - Meet Nikki in German, I am the only German student above level 2. Our class goes to a German festival called Wurstfest and she and I bond

                         General High School:

Porn, Anxiety, Confusion, Self-Hatred, Overwhelming beauty makes me cry

Isolation, Youtube in the Den

Insane imagination, shrink at the world

2008
 - August, I move to St. Edward's University,

- December, i Fail all classes because I stop going

2009
 - Experiment with therapy and medication

 - Journal

 - February thru May, Meet Nikki again, hang out, she is the first person I kiss, we make out for hours, she gives me three blowjobs. Our last "date" is on Mother's Day and it's a weird roadside picnic. I feel that I love her more than anything but I feel more confused and unstable than ever

 - Spring, Meet Aaron, hang out, talk a lot, share and connect like never before, Midnight Rooftop Poetry Club

 - May, Move out of dorm, end weird relationship with living learning community, move into Kit's new house, kind of interesting times with brothers

- August, Move into Mom's house

- September, Start seeing Stacy Watkins. I'm infatuated with her. Go to her for 6 years.

 - Take reduced hours at St. Ed's. Feel lost. South American Lit, cool books

2010
 - Take cool Art class and Survey of Africa

 - Summer, Meet Julie and Max, hang out kind of regularly for 1 year, infatuated with Julie

 - Summer, Pet sitting a little I think

 - ACC Spanish

 - Go to north Padre, Malaquite park, with Aaron and Ashley, nice time

              General:

Directionless wandering

Poetry, sad beauty, filthy habits

Talks with Aaron - Tension, Laziness, Goodwill, Hope

 - August, last couple classes at St. Ed's, decide to quit, GPA does not qualify anyway

 - October, start to work at Erwin Center

 - Get accepted into massage school for $2,000 or so

 - December 31st, Move into my first apartment with Tim and Patrick.

 2011
 - Ashley dates Tim and lives with us most of the time, i feel alittledumbfounded, dumbstruck

 - Texas Healing Arts Institute, February to March

 - Working at Erwin Center, hating it. Applying to service industry jobs for 3 months?

 - Playing games with my brothers, discovering disc golf.

 - June 25th, WWOOF at Sunflower River Farm for 3 days, Albuquerque + Four Corners, Alone on a Road Trip, get anxious and go home...

 - Love the Books' music!

 - July, date Ranisha, confused about feelings, I touch her boobs in bathing suit in Mom's pool at night, we have some good times, I ignore her after a few months

 - August to December, Austin Community College, Latin 1 - excelled, Basic Algebra - failed group project, Theater - nice, weird, lazy, boring, Geology - cool, crazy, boring.

 - December 18th, 22nd birthday, making out with Andrea, desperate infatuation/attachment

 - Geek and Sundry, Coffee Time, Rhett and Link, other general lots of youtube

2012
 - January, ACC, Latin 2 - bored, disconnected. Poetry - experimental, weird, exposed. Anthropology, interested, intimidated.

 - Continuing to work at Erwin Center, desperate for change.

 - Summer, I do not know. Pet sitting!?

 - Ashley dumps Tim and moves in with gay Jay sometime this year maybe? I visit her a once in awhile. One time in the pool I ask her when we should get married and I am mostly serious, but she must have thought I was completely joking or at least hoped I was.

 - July, I walk home from the Erwin Center, taking hours, worrying Tim, who was going to pick me up. I don't work there again.

 - Probably nothing for a long time

 - No more school

 - November, working for two weeks taking practice tests for testing company Pearson

 - Started watching ASMR videos or just discovered it

 - Watch Apprentice Eh

2013
 - I am waiting.

 - March, I work for less than a week at a Pearson test scanning factory. I just leave on Thursday morning and send a email that I quit.

 - April, I work for three weeks, the first week mostly training, sorting mail at IRS.

 - May, I WWOOF near Smithville at Craig's, fixing his house and doing chores. Meet nice people

 - June, family trip to California for Mom's 60th birthday.

 - July, Mom starts working at Austin Public Library.

 - Weird time in South Padre in a duplex, Mom not there until the end. I finally finish Brothers Karamazov.

 - Summer, Aaron stays at the apartment on weekdays taking Greek at UT.

 - July, I work for three days doing construction for Aaron's Dad and get over paid.

 - I pet sit for Jan and the Mundine's a few times, a few weeks total.

 - Applying to jobs.

 - Even more nothing.

 - Mom pays my bills.

 - End of October, I start working at Sprouts in North West Austin.

 - December, start volunteering at Pleasant Hill Library.

 - I watch Twin Peaks and the Chris Gethard Show

2014

 - I just work at Sprouts 40 hours a week and sort of live, not saving any money.

 - Continue to volunteer at Pleasant Hill Library

 - May, Quit Sprouts, start working at the library.

 - July, Aaron went to Vancouver and met a pretty smart girl, Meghan, from Toronto. I see him less than once a month.

 - August, three days in Padre at Beachview with Mom, Pat, Bridget, one day with Tim, Chelsea,            Asher

- Tim and Chelsea made Sofie, my niece.

 - Now it is October... How.

I work at several Libraries, and South East Branch.

 - Interview for a permanent Library job 20 hours a week.

we have to leave the apartment and find another place to live I guess.


Living with Mom seems ideal.

Seeing the world seems favorable.


- November 2014, I live at 212 Turtle Creek Boulevard, 14 month lease.

- December, Start working at Cepeda Branch, Austin Public Library, 20 hours a week.


2015

- Fun Times, alone a lot, some hard times.

- Annar Verold invites me to Poetry/fiction reading at Grey Duck Gallery, i meet two people, it's all right.

Of course, lots of stuff happen.

I listen to Doug Loves Movies and Harmontown.

I walk around the Hood a lot.

I watch lot of stuff.

I listen to Music and write Journals a lot.

I post a bunch of stuff to my Face Book.

November, Week of Thanksgiving, Go to Paris with Mom, it's nice {:


2016

- February, move into Mom's house.

- July, Go to Canada, Toronto, Peterborough, Meet Melanie, Go to her house near Keene, it's nice and pretty

I do some work. It's all right. Aaron goes to Buffalo to be near Meghan.

Aaron calls me. Meghan does not want him to live near her. He and I decide to live together in Austin.

I leave Melanie's place early, after 3 days in Canada, I Regret Fully.

I hang out at Mom's house.

- September, Aaron and I get a One Bedroom apartment at Cherry Creek apartments, right behind my mom's workplace, Manchaca Library.

He only stays about a week.

I interview at World Market, get job offer and decline.

I work for One Day at an Amazon Warehouse ( it's all right ) , and quit because I have no car anymore.

- November, We break the lease. I move in with Mom again.

Everything is Whatever.

-December, Aaron starts dating Andee.

2017

- January, I take Algebra and Statistics at Austin Community college.

I meet Andee. She is lovely of course.

I kill time and skip class.

I do no know what I am doing.

I do favors and help Andee and Malakai, her son.

I go to Roy G Guerrero park, walk, listen to podcasts, drive around Austin.

I drop my 2 classes. Lie to Everyone.

- April, I go to Sherwood Forest Faire and meet Andee's brother and parents.

It is good times.

- June, I take Yoga and Physics.

I skip Physics and drop it eventually.

I skip Yoga and almost lose the credit, but go again.

I feel Lost in Eternity and Good Fortune and Love, and Worry.

- June, Aaron and Andee find my Blog and read Crappy stuff I did.

I am really ashamed and sorry and sad.

- August, Mom and I go to Aaron's  and Andee's wedding.

I take yoga 2, First Aid, Health Online, US History. I like them a little. i skip Class and Lie to Mom.

Mom and I watch a lot of stuff.

December, I decide to just look for a job.

2018

I read some good stuff that Aaron recommends, very slowly.

A Stroll with William James. First half of I'm Your Man, Cohen bio.

May, Interview for job at Oak Hill, Austin Public Library. Don't get the job. That's okay.

July, Malakai's brithday party, at Aaron's house, goes well.

August, Mom retires. I apply to a few Jobs, that's all for now. I drink too much alcohol.

I want to eat better and exercise and lose my fat gut.

November, work at an Amazon warehouse for 3 days. Then I skip 3 days, hang out in Austin, lie to Mom, tell her I got fired.

December, work at Erwin Center about once a week.

Aaron still really tries to help me. I get to hang out with him and Andee about once a month. That is kind of stressful but really good.

I kill time most of the time. I drink too much alcohol.

I still don't know why I don't force myself to read. Reading needs to be a part of me. It is difficult because it is good.

This Christmas is nicer than most. But I spend more time with my family than I want to.

I want to be on my own for a long time. I want to figure my life out by myself... Yeah...


2021

- Romance, Sexuality, Partnerships -

Fantasies last forever.

I'm mostly strait. A little bisexual.

I've only put my penis in and come in Nikkin's mouth twice. That's all I've done.

Maybe Saylor dry humped me a bit as we made out on my 22nd birthday, December 18th, 2011, almost 10 years ago. I've mostly been too afraid to try anything since. 

In 2016 I asked 3 girls out. I only hung out and walked with Clarisa. It was fine. Nothing.

I don't really care. 

Let's go do anything. 

Later sk8er 

Bye bye skier.

Gregory Wredberg, Time Line, as of 2011

Family

May 5 1945 - Dad is born somewhere in Massachusetts: William James Wredberg, youngest of 3, siblings Tootsie and Connie

~1951 - Dad's family moves to Dallas

June 24 1953 - Mom is born in Houston, Texas or nearby: Barbara Gail Milner, oldest of 3, siblings Jan and Doug

1968/69 - Mom is 15 and her mom, Willa Joyce, kills herself by running a car in a garage while her kids are at her sister's. She has to take care of her sibs Her dad and brother and sister? live in Belize for a while, and she lives in California for the summer of 1969. She studied in France for a few weeks and visited London and Italy.

~1970 - Dad and Adele Wallace get married and soon divorce.

~1971 - Mom marries Ken, and they soon divorce.

Mom and Dad work at B Dalton Book Seller in Houston. Dad's manager.

~1975 - Mom and Dad move from Houston, Texas to Austin, Texas, attend University of Texas (UT), and graduate.

October 8 1979 - My brother Christopher Milner Wredberg is born. At age 11 he switches from being called Chris to being called Kit and sticks with Kit.

November 8 1983 - My brother Patrick Alexander Wredberg is born. He is called Pat. A 13 or so when he is mad at Kit and our cousin Luke maybe about preventing him from playing in the backyard and punches through a glass door cutting his inner wrist and making a cool scar that looks like a crop circle.

September 27 1983 - My brother Timothy James Wredberg is born. As a baby, he chews Mom's hair then a blanket. He is called Tim.

December 18 1989 - I, Gregory Douglas Wredberg, am born. It was very cold. It was the afternoon. My Aunt Jan had waited then went back to Oklahoma before I was born.

1992 - Family moves to semi-rural/suburban Bastrop, Texas. Dad still works in Austin. Mom has been home for a long time.

1994~ - Mom and Dad get divorced. Dad moves into an apartment in Austin.

Dad remarries Adele.

~1996 - Mom marries Terry Harris. He moves in with us.

May 1998 - Kit graduates high school. In August, he begins to attend UT, and lives in a dorm then apartments. He graduates from UT 5 or so years later.

November 2001 - Dad dies of lung cancer at Adele's parents' house in Dallas.

May 2002 - Pat graduates high school. In August, he begins to attend UT, and lives in a dorm then apartments. He graduates from UT 6 or so years later.

November 2003 - Terry dies of lung cancer at our home, while my brothers and I spend a weekend at Pat's and Kit's apartment in Austin.

May 2006 - Tim graduates high school. In August, he begins to attend UT. He lives in a student apartment with Patrick. He quits school after about a year and starts working at the IRS.

~~Throughout my childhood, my brothers and I play a lot of video games and Magic: the Gathering card game with each other. Starting when I am about 11, we go to Magic: the Gathering tournaments several times a year.

Personal

Fall 2004 or Spring 2005 - I begin a friendship with Ashley Oney; we have a speech class together. We are both very shy and quiet.

February and Spring 2006 - Kim Boike and I date a few times; we are in German together. I like her a lot. I touch her chest over her clothes at night on the road in front of my house and laying on the floor of my brother's room while a movie plays on a TV. He walks in and sees me touching her. We quietly leave. I say to her, I think he saw me fingering your chest. I am sad that summer after she says we will not be a couple.

June 2006 - Tim gets me a job working at Tracy's Drive 'n Grocery part-time, after school.

Mom gets me a 1986 Volvo.

May 2007 - I perform didgeridoo and toaster at a high school talent show alongside my friend Alex Ramirez and the rest of the band, The Steezniles.

2006/2007 - I visit Ashley at her house several times, and we watch movies. We lose touch in our senior year, like I did with most friends. She dates John Moore, who I was someone I had spent time

May 2008 - I graduate from high school.

August 2008 - I begin to attend St. Edward's University. I live in a dorm. I fail all my classes.

November 2008, Thanksiving break - I am invited to a party at my old friend Max's house in the country. There are quite a few people from our high school class. I get there sort of late. I had been to the Renaissance Festival that day. After some people have left, some of us decide to paint each other in the garage. It's sort of a contest. I enjoy being on a team of two girls who I admire. Kelly is one. I see them in underwear. Kristie wear no bra, I see her boobs, and I think it's my first time seeing boobs. We take communal showers, with clothes on. They play games and watch WALL-E. I feel unwell. I try to poop, but I can't. I decide to go home. It's about 5 am. Max expresses concern. I say bye. I am very tired. I almost fall asleep and drive off the road a couple times. It hurts to stay alert. I get home and vomit in a toilet, relieved.

Spring 2009 - Several times I hang out and go out with Nikki Rader who I had met in high school German last year. She is two years younger than me. I took her home and we sit in my car in the parking lot in front of her apartment and make out for a little while. It's the first time I think I have really kissed someone. I am elated. Three times she gives me oral sex. I am obsessed with her. I want to have sex with her. I touch her genitals. I buy condoms. Soon we are not talking to each other. I try to contact her with no result. I was going to take her to an Animal Collective concert, but she wants to go to the Bastrop High School graduation ceremony, so I take her best friend and roommate Nick. He is gay.

I meet Aaron at St. Edward's. We hang out and talk a lot. I talk to him more than anyone else.

Fall 2010 - I take my last few classes at St. Edward's.

October 2010 - I start working about 20 hours a month at the Frank Erwin Events Center and the football stadium at UT.

February 2011 - I attend Texas Healing Arts Institute massage school for about a month and quit.

June 2011 - I drive my Mom's Jeep Liberty to Albuquerque to WWOOF. I leave after two or three days. I just want to go home.

[ i wrote the following today, December 31, 2019 :

my life is out of control

 internet and TV and games . . . i am whatever . . . fantasy and myself . . . chaos , Earth . . . Space . . . Time  ....  i am okay . . .  i just drank rum and wine . . .  okay.  lay ter ]

Spoon Monthers

Decuary

Junuary

Aprich

Marl

Ay

Febre

Noly (No lie.)

Sepust

Augtember

Moctober

Juvember

Janember

The Answers, the Party, the People, the Planes

A fun game for 2 or more players

Story:

It's 7:05 p.m, summer solstice, 29 years ago. Y'all's party just appeared on this plane. Your prime directive is to be necessary the party, the people, and the planes, and the only way to be that is to have Answer. Once they all are found. They can be found on the mapped area of this plane, because you appeared here, and you cannot leave until they are found.


Object:

Players compete or cooperate to find Answers. The player / team with the most correct Answers wins. Or if players each have an answer, all win.


Set Up:

Shuffle the Answer cards. Take out 2 Answer cards per player. These are the Answer deck. The rest of the Answer cards are not used.

Each player rolls three twenty-sided dice (d20), then chooses one result to be starting Health and another result to be starting Intuition. The 3rd di is ignored.


Gameplay:



The players take turns clockwise. The player with the highest Intuition goes first.

When all Answers are found (the last Answer card of the deck is drawn, the gameplay is over. Players then review and compare each other's Answers. False Answers do not count toward a player's Answer score.


A player gets 3 actions per turn. For each action a player may do one of the following:
 - Move to another location.
 - Use an item.
 - Draw a Search card.
 - Put Answers together.
 - Call for a party meeting.

Intuition checks are made by rolling a d20 and adding the result to one's intuition level. If the total is equal to or greater than the number of the Intuition check, then it is passed.


Locations:

The Old Barn


Actions

Sleep in the hay loft - Gain 10 Health. This can be the only action you take this turn.



Items

The One-Armed Female Mannequin  -  To commune with the lonely mannequin. Roll a d20. If your Intuition is equal to or more than your roll, You find an Answer and gain 3 Intuition. Otherwise, you just feel creepy.

The Rusted Lawnmower  -

The Bags of Soil  -  Rip them open and dig in. Roll a d20. On a 10 or more, you see something shiny, smooth and round, grab it, and polish the dirt off of it: You find an Answer! On a 9 or less, get bit by bugs and lose 3 Health.



The Green Wires


Actions

Hang Out - If there is at least one other player on this location,

Sunbathe - Gain 3 Health. Take this action only once per turn.

Parkour! - Roll a d20. On a 10 or more, do awesome moves, get exercise, and gain 5 Health and 1 Intuition. On a 9 or less, fall and lose 3 health.


Items

The Faulty Walkie Talkie  -  Roll a d20. If your Intuition is equal to or more than your roll, hear a valuable message and find Half an Answer. Choose a location where there are no players. You are transported to that location.

Anna

I just met Anna. We shook hands. I wish I remembered what that felt like.

She was working at Spec's. She was moving bottles of wine.

She approached me. I don't remember if she said anything.

I asked where the local wine is. She asked if I meant Texas. I said, as local as possible.

She showed me the wines and talked about her favorite, by McPherson, from Lubbock.

She said, dry, not as fruity. I said, I like that. And I do. I also like some fruity and sweet wine.

I looked at her eyes and she looked at mine.

I like her face. Her skin is light brown.

We smiled. I said, thank you.

She went to the other end of the aisle and moved more wine.


I looked at the wine for a while, maybe five minutes.

I thought about asking her for more information. I didn't want to make her repeat herself. I did not catch which specific wines she told me about.

I thought it would be nice to choose one that she recommended, but I wanted to make sure Aaron would likely enjoy it, so I got a Malbec by Becker, from the Hill Country.

I also got Kahlua.

I went and sat in the car.

I had a strong urge, a strurnge.

I had seen her before at Spec's. Just twice I think. The first time I was with my mom. I don't think I talked to her then, but Mom did. But I liked her, as I told Mom right after we left the store, and I wanted to get to know her. The second time I was alone. I might have gone there only to talk to her. I don't remember buying anything. I think we talked briefly about alcohol. I wanted to ask her out or ask when she gets off. I went back later that night looking for her, but I didn't see her. I didn't know her name. I didn't want to talk to anyone else or give anyone an idea of what I was doing, or what I was wanting to do.


So, because of advice from Aaron, and because I was going to see him in a few hours, and because I am a thinking person, I felt the overwhelming need to approach her and ask her if she wanted to get a drink or coffee. I wrote my name,"Gregory W.", and my cell phone number in blue ink on a white Sonic napkin.

I went inside, focused on getting to her and asking her out. I noticed her looking up at me.

I stood in front of her. Some wine was on the floor between us.

She stood and looked at me.

I said I was wondering if she wanted to get a drink sometime, or coffee.

My voice was weak. My body was weak. I felt myself blush.

She smiled and said yes.

I think I saw her blushing.

She put her hand out and said her name.

I think I said my name was Greg. I shook her hand for a second, but I don't really remember doing that.

I said, here's my number, and I handed her the napkin.

I said, I hope to hear from you soon, or something like that.

Then I left.

I felt unreal.

I was trying to think clearly, but I was still so nervous and my mind wandered and worried about how we would proceed and what I should say. I wondered all about her, and what the best things to do  as people. I still do.

I typed this to get a better perspective and to think more clearly.

Remembering this made me nervous again.

I want to talk with her and be authentic and attentive and comfortable and curious. I want to love her unconditionally. I want her to love me unconditionally.

I hope we get along well and have a life-long relationship. I hope we want to be together and we spend just the right amount of time together.



I think she was excited that I asked her out.

I think there is more than a 50% that she will contact me today.





I wrote all of the above yesterday.

She did not contact me yesterday.

I hope she will in the next week though.

I have been thinking about her a lot.

I wrote a prose poem or short personal essay about her and myself.

f e d

d
e
f


k
i
l

l
o
;


;
o
l

l
i
k

f
e
d


( =

Simpleness

I feel responsible for other people's well being.

If I am undistracted, I feel guilty and that I cannot (and do not deserve to) enjoy anything if I am not helping someone else enjoy something.

I want to volunteer with a charity thing about teaching and basic needs and beauty and initiative.

I want to create art, like words and music and visuals, but I worry and feel bad that it will not do any good and it is not worth the time and resources spent to sustain me through the creating. I worry that my instinctual creating is wrong, and maybe I really need to be helping to produce healthy food for as many people in need as possible or helping to provide clean water or shelter or education...

So I want to volunteer and feel like I am making a good difference to people and doing it creatively and artfully.

Aaron is focused on laying a foundation of understanding that will lead humanity to significant improvement maybe 7,000 years down the road.
I think he is interested in humanity surviving as long as possible in the best conditions possible.

I am listening to Gregory Alan Isakoz. I like that his name is Gregory is Gregory like mine.

I like the softness and simpleness of the words and sounds too.

Spiegal im Spiegal

I was going to work at noon. I was listening to KMFA and Spiegal im Spiegal was playing. I recognized it, but I didn't know what it was. I was at the stoplight at I35 on Stassney facing east. I closed my eyes to listen for a second or two. I felt that I saw ghosts of images of the scene around me imprinted on my dark vision, especially a white SUV at the stoplight a little in front of me. It seemed the image was moving toward me then away from me. I opened my eyes and thought of this feeling. As I drove on the 35 feeder, I imagined moving forward on a fantasy landscape, accelerating past things, plants, signs, buildings, whatever. The ground is yellow and flat, like a Simpsons' desert. There is a castle (Cinderella) or a city (Emerald) (or Taj Mahal or Eiffel Tower or everything) on the horizon. Even though I am speeding forward, the horizon gets further away slowly, and the castle or city gets smaller more and more slowly, but never disappears, because it's an asymptote, and you move forward so fast you can't recognize what you're rushing past, and soon you're just comforted by speed and infinity.   ...

I wanted to see animation of this idea. I thought of getting online and searching for something like it or putting the idea on a message board so that an artist could find it and do it. I wondered if people do that, and if someone did my idea, would they let me know so I could see it. Set to Spiegal im Spiegal of course.

The opposing unpleasant virtue, love and hate and kill and love, love hate kill love.

Famous Females

Gillian Jacobs

Michelle Williams (Actress)

and in no particular order,


Rebecca Hall

Scarlet Johannson

Raya Mudolf

Alicia Vikander

Mia Wasikovska

St. Vincent

Saoirse Ronin

Anne Hathaway

Eva Green

Emily Blunt

Alison Brie

Tina Fey

Amy Poehler

Sarah Silverman

Rooney Mara

Kate Mara

Tilda Swinton

Carey Mulligan

Regina Spector

Penelope Cruz

Salma Hayek

Rose Byrne

Jessica Chastain

Emma Stone

Emily Mortimer

Brie Larson

Mary Elizabeth Winstead

Kelly MacDonald

Julianne Moore

Evangeline Lily

Margot Robie

Emma Watson

Grimes

Lorde

Emily Watson

Hope Davis

Courtney Barnett

Abigail Spencer

Adelaide Clemmons

Carrie Coon

Katherine Waterson

Kate Tempest

Felicity Jones

Natalie Portman

Janelle Monae

Zoe Kravitz

Thandie Newton

Emelia Clarke

Judy Greer

Sarah Barthel

Erin Timony

Gibi

Rachel Weisz

Elizabeth Moss

Kat Edmonson

Thomasin McKenzie

Vicky Krieps

Lily Gladstone

This was Cheryl's last night at Pleasant Hill. She sounded a little choked up talking to me just before walking out. I will still work with her on some Saturdays.

I greatly respect her and enjoy her company.

What did I want to type about? I am tired now. I am listening to an ENT exam on youtube. It is very relaxing. British accent. I was listening to Life Without Buildings...

I ate some ground beef with salt and pepper and an apple. I think I'll eat the same thing tomorrow morning. I am also eating some lettuce...

"I am ashamed of my brother for letting the lettuce spoil.
I wish he were a better role model."

Just go to sleep, me... ok

Just just just just

I got up about fifteen minutes ago. I have been in weird moods even for me. I love that the air is getting colder. But I feel like I am in high school again. I feel desperately confused, overwhelmed and out of my own control. I see Stacy tomorrow. Also Kit and I plan to bike. I wanted to text Mom about the weather and wish her a good day. I think I will still do that. I would have but my phone froze.

My hands are masks and twigs. I cannot erase or picture anything. My hands are shaking but I am not cold. They're a little sweaty. My knee sucks, probably because I suck. Can I save the bacteria? I would rather be E coli. I wonder if all my brothers will be here Saturday night. I thought of playing Pandemic, but we may just have time for Small World.

I want to listen to Today More Than Any Other Day right now.

I have been feeling weird because I keep thinking back on all the time I have spent in this apartment and how it will end soon and then I do not know what I should do or what I really want to do.

I feel so young and also that I may be halfway dead.

What do we do!??

All I can think is that Youtube will make me happy. Or at least distract me/lift my mood for a bit...

Grocery shopping is such a huge problem.

Just Canada........ Just Ought....... I am about to cry.

Patrick walked in a few minutes ago in his underwear holding a towel. He is in the shower now.

I do feel like I am in an endless loop. It has to be this time of year. I saw a person sitting in a car in front of the apartment. I imagined they were dead. I wished that someone would die, like my Mom or one of my brothers. Then I imagined Cheryl dying.

I just want so much to change. I want to be shocked into living a life that means something.

Somehow positive.

Composition.

Just... I have next to zero understanding of anything that people do.

and I am a person...

~

I wish I were as excited about eating well and getting my own food as I am about SmallWorld and other games and shows and music and fantasies.

We're moving on. "Bring It Back" Routine Poutine.

Death Teed

I um

Um

Dreamer is beautiful

Dream Beauty

I was everywhere. I saw, heard, and felt everyone and everything.

There was time. We are using time, just like our bodies. Use everything you can.

Glockabelle is fun [:

I set up a two pplayer game of SmallWorld to see if Pat wants to play when he gets home. I think he will be amused and accepting. Tim and I plan to play again with and maybe Kit or Casey on Sunday. Four player would be fun.

I've been watching porn again and jacking off. I stopped both for about two weeks. I was happier then.

I feel dumb and empty. I want to eat something good. There is not really much bad food that tastes good. Pizza rolls don't taste good.

I watched a ton of youtube.

Pat should be here in about an hour.

I am doing almost nothing because Kit cancelled our bike ride to study or sleep or work.

I should ride my bike.

The guy I played last round at Khans, when I said I want to... before playing something, said Ride your bicycle?


I just played "Nature and the Wreck: because it is calm and beautiful.


Bye for NOW~!

Human People

There was a beautiful person at Pleasant Hill yesterday. She worked on a laptop by the windows. She got up a few times to look at books and go to the restroom. I shelved some books near her. I wanted to stare at her, but I only glanced a few times. She had longish orange hair tied in the back, shaved on the side. She wore a white tank top. She had a what seemed to be a perfect body, about 5'6" I think. I didn't get a good look, but her face seemed squarish, gentle, and strong. Her skin was pinkish peach. She seemed European or futuristic.

I felt gross compared to her. I felt creepy when shelving near her. Even without hearing my thoughts, she would think I am creepy. It was somewhat painful to see her or think about her. I wanted to get over her, but that was impossible. I didn't want to think anything about her that did not match her apparent beauty and grace. There was an old guy walking around near her. I hoped he wasn't thinking anything nasty about her. In my head I commanded him not to.

I briefly imagined talking to her, but I felt there was really no way I could. I didn't want to know anything about her for fear that she has glaring personality flaws, interior ugliness. Wanting a perfect woman is quite selfish and sexist of me. I even thought about being intimate with her, just snuggling and petting and kissing, and both of us being silent so as not to ruin anything. In that way I wanted her to be like a pet dog, for us to love each other unconditionally. Even dogs have conditions, basic as they are. I went into the restroom. I looked in the mirror. I thought that I had to kill her. I wondered why I would think that (other than it being something overly dramatic and pseudo-interesting that I have heard from TV and movies.) Part of it is so that no one else can have her, since I can't. The biggest part is just that it pains me to know she exists and that I can't "have her" like a pet. Sex pet. Really I just want her to be happy. It is way too bad that I barely thought of her as a human. It is good that I am realising this though. It's not like I could ever ever be outwardly violent or disrespectful. Of course it takes a lot of work to be respectful, to care about the well being of others as much as mine. But I want to be a better person, just for my own sake. I want to make it easier to live with myself.

Anyway, I hope she is doing well. She looks very beautiful. Everyone should know that.

Hello, I'm Back

I am alive. They are black-skinned or brownish-skinned. The music makes me smile [:

Dilated Peoples - Expansion Team...

Pat is not here. I got home an hour ago.

I am Tim's computer...

Haha, I meant I am on Tim's computer. My laptop died.

It is Wednesday. This year is dying. Years go fast and days go so slow. Most days actually go quickly.

And the months fly by.

It's been almost 5 months since I began working at the library.

I know I would feel much better if I read more. I feel awful about abandoning Aaron kefir.

[: "Worst Comes to Worst" is playing. It's beautiful. I guess Kit had downloaded it. I wonder how he found it.

Straight up 12 years ago.

It's horror and amazing asses and flaming dikes. Blood shed, tool barn, asteroid camp.

I texted Aaron. I was listening to Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls, but I can't listen and type at the same time.

I thought I would read or write this morning, but I just watched youtube... and listened to Lonesome Crowded West. Julio and Dave and some lady came into to inspect the apartment.

I am listening to Trout Mask Replica again. "Pena" is crazy. I feel like I am smelling beer.

I guess I will apply to a 20 library job tomorrow.

Oh, that damn kefir. I don't want to work at all... I eat crap.

I really don't like listening to most of Trout Mask Replica.

I was cleaning out the yogurt jar after pouring the kefir down the drain. I just texted with Mom and talked to Kit. I feel trapped in a hole. Bike ride, birthday, renaissance fair.

I thought of watching Louie and when I thought of what I was doing I said This isn't much fun.

I turned on the TV and Now I am going.

Dream

I am at a college. I go to class. It's middle eastern studies, I think. I am late. I walk into a room full of people sitting at a long u-shaped table. An old man stands in the middle. He was talking, now everyone is quiet and looks at me. I feel that I am in the wrong room, or maybe I am just embarrassed. I leave right away. I hang out in the hallway with some people and chairs.

I sit with Doug Benson at a merch table outside of a theater after his show. No one else is there. We slump and talk lazily. I think that maybe he's not funny because he is lazy and consider telling him this. He shows me some objects. A plastic horse pulling something. Then, a man riding a small orange horse that is trying to ride a larger red horse. We both say that it makes us horny in a general way.

Chill Peep

Life Without Buildings... Sorrow

I thought they were Australian, because of the live album recorded there.

There was a lot of lightning here. It seemed like everything was exploding.

Australia is probably in the top 3 places I want to visit.

It's so far... There Earth is big. It's on another day, the opposite season.

How is the movie Australia? $9,99? I accidentally typed a comma instead of a period, but I kept it because I think that how a lot of the world does it. Oh, I just looked it up and it's mostly Europe and South America who use commas. It's strange... I like it.

I live right next to a Hispanic cemetery. I want to walk around in it, but it's always locked, and I'm afraid I'll get caught and be seen as disrespectful. Just a little ways down the road is a Masonic cemetery. It's pretty big. It's pretty. I have walked thru a few times during the day. Once or twice with my good friend/only friend, Aaron.

Thinking of my life/life in general from another person's perspective feels infinitely helpful.

It's amazing what we can do.

Architecture in Helsinki?

Eyes and skin and hair and light and neural pathways and runways and air traffic controllers. Silver screen, digital projectors, international pop stars, 80 year old nurses. Botanical gardens, bees, cremated candy, Last will and testament, unpublished memoirs.

That's it....

I want to or need to write about my life in order to make sense of it or turn it into something positive and meaningful. I want to structure it around the places I have lived in. Starting with 827. This apartment, then working back towards living in the house with all my family, Mom, brothers, stepfather...


OK

A Journal To Save Life

It's close to 11 pm. I just emailed Aaron. I am watching OLLA again, for the third time. I freaked out and fell to the floor because DOmino kept meowing at me. It hurt my neck shoulder area a little. I ate a bowl of lettuce, carrot and olive oil. I came back to the apartment after work ended at 9 pm. It was another slow day for libraries and brains.

I fried some frozen salmon and now I'm eating it.

"I love Jack White."

I eat the skin...

I wrote some words in my spiral.

You oughta hear this.

Charlie Feathers

What is Rockabilly

The Internet is fantastic and under appreciated.

What is real physics

I feel doomed, hopeless, regretful, sorry.

Self-Meaning is dying, disappearing, crippling. Detaching. Away. Far. Being.

Shed, I burst to kiss Jeff Mangum, loosely, losing all shape and prism and prison and begging bars and after wealth and shoving health face plants and grooming and growing twothousand tears old and beginning to fever and ash and successful blood tongue fruit gasping artful beautiful basking love.

I am going to go som mewhere. WONDER..............  Breakfast, Floss. CoFEE. AGAIN, I am.

I have dreams, I dream, Saving forever.

Stacy on Friday... It gives, all there, all over

Target in the front of a locked-on squirrel

I had a little bakery in my nuts

Over lying Truth of My matter

I hate homosapiens My belchy stomach

sings myself Overlapping Hetero

Fantasies I grab the stick the

bleeding rhythmic stick my

pulse is an organ my bloody drum

Stuck on my fourth finger I have

loose noodles in my head-shaped

block of hearty ice it's inside

my looney toon career I am face to

life a sack a Poor Tom my

rump my suckling ducking forward

I piss out of my locked door, My

friend is a psycho I learned him

to lock all alfredo Peering in my

Latin Frigid Specimen I eat your

earaches. Here is this totally Unholy

Busty Waitress. Feel my Time!?

Sacks of balls, No one sees a bladder

a sickly beefy Nectar Dry as a Bitch

Flutter in her nose My dick fleece

Biting horse ecstacy Homeo

Plath Blend of extra needless

underdone saucy Blimey carcass

Fleabag Don't Suck Millie

Wonder, An open Artificial

kindle fire I wonder what

mother had for dinster, my

what a brother you have

been You're only lonely then

having lost teeth You're a

child I wonder where big

pig skins say I will kick

you out on your firey ass

you solemn opus you whiney

crat sack of Prime Dildoes

I'm intimidated I'm articulate

Finally Finally gushing My

Wunder Bra Sexual Preversion

Ono Homosapien You pissed

my future I wonder how loudly

a cry from the back court

the pantry the yard of the

Neighbor a specific friendly

gesture, Now waiting, I am

myself doing something, Now an

alcoholic, Pissing a future
Underdone Reread

I ate

3 pizza rolls and sauce

Dr pepper

3 chocolate chip cookies

3/4 box of nutter butters

coffee, vanilla almond milk

avocado, onion, 3 cherry tomatoes, garlic salt
tortilla chips

grilled ham and cheese sandwich with olive oil and onion

peanut butter and vegan chocolate chips sandwich

i'm hungry... i dunno, no control, i give it up, don't, hold, try, care, do, do. ye

What I Ate

5 bites of sweet potato
banana
wrangler breakfast taco: brisket, potato, eggs, cheese
2 cupcakes
cup of coffee
pb sandwich
banana
16 coconut wafers
tilapia filet
salad, parmesan dressing
mint camomile tea
tortilla chips
refried black beans

Still Young?, Slow balls...

an Still Young?, Slow balls...Still Young?, Slow balls...

an ocean aboard a microbe planet - bj

I would be pretty sad if this were deleted {: allright, this was added after I saved it... bye {: ha
This is for the blog. For the world. For all the love inside me to gush out and drown the earth in happiness and hope.
Mixed up message. I just want you to know. No YOUR space. KNOW you'RE space. I thot of that. I am a clever bean. What if a bean can think and reason and reflect. I would hope that it likes me. It must be concerned about being eaten. What percentage of wild beans are eaten? When a wild bean dies on the stalk or falls off and turns into soil, it thinks about its life and thinks, "It's been good. I have felt the sun and the rain and the wind. The winters were cold. Summers hot. I saw friends and family come and go. I leave a legacy. No matter what... the arctic seed storage facility will ensure that my wonderful kind will see the future, live amazing lives, feed the hungry, fertilize the soil, die happy just like me riiiigghhhhhhttttt... NOW!" Bleehhhhhggggkkk. The noise of a dying wild bean.

That seems good enough. I am alone all day. No car. I went outside at 6 am. Fun. It's around the freezing temperature outside. I have been masturbating like a monkey. I am unsure of how to set goals or plan to achieve them. I guess school is a good structure to give method for self-improvement. I did trash and mail. I made food. Cleaned a little. I watched general orders number nine on netflix. NO capital letters is more difficult to read. It's just incorrect. I am a bit paranoid that Pat may come in with or without Bridgett. Michael Cera was funny. I wonder if that article was true. On Spotify, the past two random songs on my favorite list were/are Dream On - Chemical Brothers and Thirty Incoming - The Books. I like the latter more right now. I like Books more than Chemicals. I do not understand chemicals. I do not understand most books. They can be expertly comforting or rigorously challenging. I remember the photos I saw on the Books' website. They built their own beautiful house at a beautiful snowy place. How much, how does it do...

Earlier Pixies came on, then Patton Oswalt, then Pixies, then I joked to myself that it will just be Patton and Pixies, then Patton did come on again, and I think I only have two Patton tracks out of 3000 or something. Coincidences... I don't think they are. This is just the way it seems to me. It seems it cannot be any other way. Things happen perfectly because they have to. I cannot quite explain it. It is somewhat like I <3 a="" ago.="" all="" am="" and="" at="" backdoor.="" balcony="" bathroom="" because="" bedroom="" better="" bit="" blogger.com="" body="" box.="" can="" clicked="" closet="" clothes.="" contentment.="" coolest="" cursor="" days="" dining="" doing="" door.="" door="" doors.="" english="" express="" facing="" farted.="" fast="" feel="" feeling="" for="" front="" funny.="" funny="" glad="" ha="" had="" hah="" haha="" happened="" have="" held="" high="" hope="" hopeful...="" huckabees.="" i="" in="" interesting="" into="" is="" it.="" it="" knope.="" know="" kristen="" laptop="" leslie="" letting="" like="" lot.="" makes="" maybe="" me="" met.="" mood="" more="" movie="" my="" nbsp="" nesbitt="" no="" nostalgic="" not="" of="" on="" out.="" out="" p="" person.="" person="" post="" pretty="" restless="" sara="" say="" saying="" school="" she="" smells.="" some="" sort="" started="" still="" swings="" t="" table="" take="" tegan="" text="" than="" thang="" that="" the="" them="" there="" things="" this.="" this="" thought="" thoughts.="" tired="" to="" type="" typed="" unless="" useful.="" was="" washed="" well.="" when="" who="" wordpad="" writing="">
I have to poop, Damnit! Hanna theme is better than Surrender!! I dare to Dream, Beeeee HOTTTTTCCCCCCHHHHHEESSSSSSSSS!!!! YES! SuckSESSSSSSS! {: Damn.

Still not done, grizzly bear. My beard hurt a little. I guess the hairs are so stiff that when I touch them they poke my skin... Jeff was very stern and disappointed that I drove my car hot and blew the head gasket. Yes, I should take care of my car. I know almost nothing. I felt they were judging for making my mom take care of my problems. I dunno. I want to try to be homeless... even without a car! McCool's. Silliness. Nuttiness. Poopiness. Aaron said about the past, "I didn't like my house...", I said it sounded like he didn't like the building, making an observation about language use. I think it's a synecdoche. "My house" means "living in my house". He looked so irrated and confused that I was making us talk about it. I got so embarrassed. My stomach grabbed my heart, so I said anyway. I wanted to talk about these feelings, but either I was still embarrassed that night or I didn't care enough. I ate a Christmas Tree cake early this morning, I think. I opened a new box and they are gone now. I guess Pat was here for a bit and took the rest. Hm, weird. Apprentice Eh at the end of the Australia trip videos made me so happy. They feel like real friends. Funny. I was going to text Julie, but I texted Ashley again instead.

This really does not go anywhere. Hmm... I am worn out. Work for three days, off for two days, a birthday... 24 years. Some people just never die... {: I want to watch more Cat Lady... Some hungry bundles of sacks... Gotta say goodbye... haha! Erasure - Always! So great! Vulcan video, expressive life, Viciousness!!!! {: hehe supreme... Buenas Dias...

Food Blog # 9

November 5, 2013

3 handfuls of Golden Grahams

Plateful of organic mixed greens, balsamic vinegar, sea salt, black pepper

Small organic steak


Three Double Dave's cheese rolls, marinara

Food Blog # 8

Friday, Oct. 25
7:00 am
Nature Valley Caramel Cashew Protein Granola Bar

Banana

1:00 pm
Three slices Papa Murphy's pepperoni pizza
Two fat free fig newtons
Five scoops of light Creamy Creations, dark chocolate sauce, caramel sauce

10 oz. Sonic Blackberry Tea
Few Reese's Pieces

8 pm
Organic Salad, Balsamic Parmesan dressing

Can of Bush's Maple Bacon Baked Beans

Food blog # 7

Sunday October 20

Casa De Luz -
Hibiscus tea, bean soup, salad
Tortilla, beans, vegetables, rice

Coffee, milk, sugar, vanilla extract

Baker street fried fish, zucchini fries

Food Blog #6

Friday, Oct. 18

Organic Ambrosia apple (last one)

Three organic eggs fried in margarine, garlic salt, pepper

I.D. Vanilla Iced Coffee

Ben and Jerry's Heath Bar ice cream, almost half a pint

Wholly Cow cheeseburger

Some Diet Peach Snapple

Spicy Breaded Chicken Breast Filet, black beans, cherry coke

Hot Chocolate

Food Blog # 5

Thursday, Oct. 17

Two organic eggs fried in olive oil, garlic salt, pepper

Organic ambrosia apple

Two Double Dave's cheese rolls

2 cups International Delight Vanilla Iced Coffee

P. Terry's cheeseburger with onions

Orange juice, coconut rum, creme de banana

Food Blog #4

Wednesday, Oct. 16
7:00 a.m.

Two organic scrambled eggs, olive oil, garlic salt, pepper
Organic ambrosia apple

Triscuits (~20) and extra garlicky salsa

Coffee, milk, sugar, banana flavored syrup

Organic mixed greens and sweet potato, coconot oil, salt (I tripped on a stair and dropped some of it and broke the plate.)

Food Blog #1 (It is so funny to me that I forgot to post this) Worst Possible Start to a blog

Sunday, Oct. 13
9:30 a.m.
Raisin Nut Bran with 2% Milk

Organic Egg fried in Canola Oil with sea salt and black pepper

2:20 p.m.
Flour Tortilla, Market Pantry Refried beans, Jalepeno slices, provolone cheese.

Starbucks coffee, milk, vanilla coffee mate

New Is Good

I went back to sleep, because I wanted to remember a dream. I think I was dreaming, but the banging of the trash being picked up woke me up. Before I fell asleep I had the feeling that my legs were arms. I was all tingly in a frustrating way. I slept for maybe an hour, but it went so fast. I am listening to Humans. I can't think of a better band name, but I can think of better music. Sitting in this chair will mess me up. How can I be so comfortable, when this position will later make me so uncomfortable. The same way eating tons of M&Ms can feel so good, then later it hurts. I stopped watching porn, and I am even more passionate this time about never doing it again. I am going to tell Stacy about it Friday. I hope that I can break the habit and lose the impulse to watch in few weeks, based on what I heard from Woody on PKA, that it takes three weeks for something to become a habit. I hope that it works the other way, but it may be harder to break a habit that to form one. I hope that I can eliminate my perverse sexual thoughts and fantasies. It's only been four days since I watched porn. I really do not want to disappointment myself. I think maybe I should call Sprouts to see about my background check. I don't really know. I have no instructions. I don't remember everything Warren said in the voicemail. I could just listen to it again. I think I should wait to hear about drug testing. It is weird for a company to check for chemicals in urine. They should just ask employees if recreational drug use will interfere with their job. That's just me though. I feel like I am sane sometimes.

Sometimes I don't. Pat and Tim were here at Jan's with me last night. They stayed until midnite. We tried to play bezzerwizzer while watching TV. Tim fell asleep. This is Ed's house too. I am really afraid in general and about this job. I want to listen to Expectations by Belle and Sebastian. I settled on the Helio Sequnce instead. New music is so.. hopeful. Or finding music that I like is. I am really grateful for Spotify.

What will life be like on Friday? I have to call the dentist to get cavities filled. It's so boring and dead. I realized all this crime and desolation is because people are so bored. We need things to do to make ourselves better. Not that we always think we are not good enough. We should see amazing potential in ourselves. Everyone should see it in everyone and everything. Then act on it to bring it out and reach it. I don't know what our potential is, but we should believe in it and do what we can, do what we know is right.

I feel arrogant to think I have amazing potential, but I have been down on myself for a long time and it's difficult to see there is another way to relate to reality. I call myself defeatist and fatalist, and that makes it worse. I try to be open and honest. The gap between my conscience and my physicality still seems so wide. What can I do to close it? I think talking to people would help. Actually talking, actually being with someone and connecting. Why is that so frightening? I have cocooned myself so well. This blog is a way to connect, but I don't tell anyone about, because I would be terribly embarrassed to talk about it, or the things in it, in real life. In person I mean. I have thought that it would be nice to get a comment on my blog. To connect with someone. I have assimilated internet into my reality. I was interrupted by a phone call from Sprouts giving me job. I have to not be so stupid. That's negative.

Mom called, saying she's excited (I texted her about the job) and proud. I said thanks. I said I am a little bit excited and nervous. She said it's normal to feel a combination of excitement and anxiety. They are pretty much the same I think. Maybe excitement is anxiety that feels good, and anxiety is excitement that feels bad. Anyway, neither is boredom and that's good.

Bye, bye, love, Greg.

Food Blog #3

Tuesday, Oct. 15
7:30 a.m.

Two organic eggs, fried in olive oil, garlic salt, pepper
Organic Ambrosia apple (amazing, but expensive)

Coffee, milk, butterscotch schnapps, sugar

Organic mixed greens, olive oil, garlic salt, pepper

Organic sweet potato, coconut oil, salt

Two Double Dave's cheese rolls, marinara

Ten Oreos, milk

Food Blog #2 (I Forgot)

Sunday, after 6 p.m.

Organic baby greens mix, two handfuls maybe, olive oil, salt and pepper
One large organic sweet potato, coconut oil and salt

Orange juice and coconut rum


Monday

Two organic eggs, fried in no oil, garlic salt and pepper (pretty gross)
Slice of wheat bread
Organic Ambrosia apple

Baby greens mix, olive oil, garlic salt, pepper

Organic sweet potato, coconut oil, salt

Orange juice, coconut rum, banana liquor

Same Day I got to shit... :{}> Yyyyeeeeeee

I'm disappointed that my dreams seem to have become mundane to me. I may have lumped them all into the category of indescribable, and now I have been barely able to remember solid details or any flow of thought or story in them. I miss dreams. Porn's so stupid and worthless and degrading. I have tried to intervene with myself to stop watching it. It's a strong habit. I had really disgusting fantasies about Julie. I imagined telling Stacy about my sex fantasy of Stacy and adding details while telling her and getting off on it. I almost rear-ended someone on I-35 in downtown traffic while fantasizing about Julie. Typical. I had just left my interview at Sprouts. I think I shall be starting that job soon. I am worried about what will be expected of me and how I shall preform. That seems typical. Damnit. I feel horny. Mostly because I'm alone, I think. I feel like this writing is going well, though. Patrick left Friday night to Bridgett's and Saturday morning to her family in Victoria. He'll be back later today he said. Early this morning, Tim left for Kingsville to see Chelsea. He'll back Monday night. I am going to Jan's this afternoon. I must have started this about ten am. It's been raining a lot. I miss Ashley quite a bit. I really don't care about her body or intimacy anymore. I just want friendship and to know she is doing well. That sounds sappy and like I am trying to be a good, likable person. But why would I lie here. Lie as in not true. Here as in Blogger. Meta. Suck. Bluck. I got up about nine to nine thirty. I turned on the PS3 and got on youtube. I started to watch DailyGrace, but oh no ugh. So I watched/listened to Coffeh Time. It made me want to watch documentaries. I shall do that soon. I have to wash my clothes. I got semen on some underwear and blue shorts. Why do I type that and post it. It's in my head. That is the only criteria for posting here. I'm wearing an inside out black long sleeve old navy shirt. How egg-stacksly.

What isle is the world? This blog changes how I write and think. Done Does Diss Dizz Whizz, Peacczzzzee. Is this it? by da strokes. This lazy writing is depressing. I do not know how to read myself. Like how people say to read "a writer's name". And The Blow...

"isle" up there is supposed to be else, and I like that isle is a word, i like what it means.

Neech

Happy for a reason, so as to prevent everything.

Peace, Benevelonce, Propriety. I dunno vat dat meens. hun dum groom, va va va vavoooooooooooooom!

reehhhhhhhhhhh mmmrmrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr,, sound car. Be leaf. Pee Vee Bye

{: stay

Yesterday I played GTA V. I didn't watch any more Khan Academy videos. I watched ASAP science and minute physics and minute earth. Hearing about magnets at the atomic level made me want to go back to finish the chemistry videos at Khan. I don't know if I can retain any information I see or hear. I want to understand all the basic ideas and findings that lead up to high school science, which I heard from Aaron should be pre-school science. I think there is a level of learning after how things were discovered that is easier to understand for people with common knowledge. Later they can work backwards to the point where they can discover new things and forward to advancing known ideas.

In the shower last night, I remembered that people dream for an average of 3 years a life. If most people live for 75 years, then they dream %4 of their lives. If I have 50 years left to live, and I sleep at least 16 more years, then I have 34 years left to do things... I just lost 4 years of life. I thought 12 x 3 was 48. What can I do then? I have slept for about 8 years. I have only really been myself for 12 years, which is 8 waking years. So, I've lived one fifth of the time I can do stuff in. It has not gone that well. I've played a lot of games. Probably enough to fill a year. All the stuff of habit, of hygiene, and of necessity have probably taken up over a year. Probably spent at least half a year in my car. Maybe a year for school. Maybe half a year for work. All that comes to maybe 4 years. TV and movies fill a lot of time. Wasting time online should be included in that. Reading and writing, not for school, probably count for less than two months, but it could be much less. The fact that I have almost no idea how much time I may have spent reading or writing says that I don't care about them enough.

Aaron and I walking through the park in the rain brought up me not caring about doing something useful with my life, something to help other people. I think it is the pressure of needing to change the world that cripples me and makes me hide. It's that there seems to be infinite options and I go back and forth until I get confused and exhausted and I give up to do something easy and comforting. Doing good and amazing things, even if they seem simple to other people, fills me with emotion, like right now, and I feel waves of blood and hormones and my eyes water and I am afraid of people seeing me cry because I cannot explain it and I can't think straight, all I can think is, how wonderful, how sad, how hopeful, how beautiful, how mysterious. I am so much nothing. I can feel everything and I feel like I'm going to burst. So most of the time I just hide. I have learned how to do it very well by default. It's a strong habit. Breaking it will be painful and frightening. I am already tired of trying and caring and I'm ready to give up and hide in a game or in the lives of youtubers.

I never know where to start. I need so much help. Beach House. Where is God? Grains of sand. Deep space covered by sunshine, sunshine covered by grey, wet clouds. Pale, red, round face covered with tears. White, soft body covered by dark warm clothes. Mostly clean fingernails stare back at ocean eyes on the cold beach just after dawn. Sorts of things Beach House make me think of. Lost in Time. They make me think of a vague, somber 1980s. People who don't know what to make of their lives or themselves. People with perfect style who are empty. People who feel the dead lives of children in Polaroids on the skin of their hands. Always hungry, they eat peas slowly by candlelight late at night. Like ASMR videos. Walking for days, only meeting a few people, feeling nice, then standing in a massive crowd feeling totally alone and afraid.

Flying in dreams. I have to wait for Dave or Julio to replace the light in the foyer. Posture is my nemesis. Boxers biting teeth. Blackalicious Reanimation. I have to youtube. I am lost. Then I feel close and happy.

I don't know how to end. Byebye.

Neil's Boredom

Dream's are like life but less interesting. I woke up with the tune to a punk pop song in my head.

It's a nice day. I'm at home alone. At my real home, my first home. It's the middle of the day. There is really only one day. I am deeply unsettled. I guess it's because of Daisy. I guess I am wanted to walk her, or get her to exercise somehow. She has a gimpy leg. She went outside for a bit. She just kept lying down on the floor inside. Screens are so unsatisfying. I need more humans to live with. I'm listening to Broken Social Scene. I watched Waking Life, most of it, at A's. I watched Coffeh Time. I watched Suicide Girls podcast, and I got erect at a video called girls kissing. Now I'm listening to Jason Schwartzman, Coconut Records. My back feels messed up. I have about 7 hours until Mom gets here. I guess I should read or write or something necessary or perfect or something and something or other. I misspelled two words: "coffeh" and "Schwartzman".

There must be a lot of thoughts in between these thoughts. Paris 2004. I'm simultaneously trying and trying not to think about all the people in horrible pain right now. Ignoring dogs is a fatal activity. I feel like all my problems will be solved by watching Youtube videos. Mom said she wonders why wolves don't bark and dogs do. I wondered too. Just IN: Wolves bark, but it's rare. Domestication may have led dogs to bark.

I do not know what my thoughts would be if I did not know A. Driving home, listening to Building Nothing out of Something, I felt heavy wastefulness and disappointment. It is aggravating. I do not know what to do. I do not know who I am. I do not know why we are alive. There has to be a good reason. Maybe not, but we should just live well anyway. Mom made dumb blondies last night. They are so dense and chewy. I don't know what's going to happen. I ate some, listening to Kimya Dawson, then I brushed my teeth. That makes twice today. Wisdom tooth surgery has made me brush a lot more.Yesterday, when Pat was at school, I masturbated in the bathroom to a Suicide Girls video called wet. It wasn't great, because I was afraid he would walk in. I'm trying not to masturbate today. It's just about comforting myself and hiding from my problems, making things worse. I feel really good about this. I told myself I had to get out of the M's house. I cannot see outside and everything is so close. It's scary. And TV and dog and darkness. I'm going to check out that sort of poem on this blog about Bastrop and Ashley. Maybe I'll call it Ashtrop.

I want to live forever.

Why do certain things/situations make my brain tell my eyes to water like crazy (cry). I want to know. Physical emotions, Nadal collapsing and crying and smiling after winning the US open. Dinner with Meemaw was weird. She is 86 and really quiet and distant. David and Tim are weird and very different from each other. ITERATIONS - METAPHOREST.

Something, I want to be. I need. I am myself. I am changing. I can barely see the light outside of my own head holes. What is inside? Where does it end? What began all this? I'm sure I'll find something to keep happy. Bye bye for now, papa.

How Do I

Always come up with a title first. 1ST FIRST! That's not You tube dot com. This is Ellie Goulding. My name is Bret, name IS BRET.

What should I name you? You can choose. Then I name you that name. You choose.

One of the best and hardest psychologist appointments I have ever had ended less than 40 minutes ago.

I feel an intense, almost crippling, love for humanity and life. I thought, "Take care of myself," and set myself off with happy tears and thought it should be illegal to drive and cry. Driving while very emotional or sleepy is just as bad as driving drunk. I thought of sleepiness as an emotion and sleep as its expression, and in order to resolve any emotion one must express it, hopefully safely. Unexpressed emotions must have a slower, internal, more damaging resolution. An obvious example is anger leading to stress leading to heart disease/cancer. O, God, I'm hungry. Food just seems too simple. People go thru a lot of trouble to make food unhealthy with the excuse of making it tasty. That cannot be excused. We love it though. Tho.

I recently hypothesized that our generation is satirizing the insane culture it grew up in and having a great time, making our culture even more insane.

Hypothesized sounds so pretentious (so does satirizing, but some people are doing something like that). I was just wondering about what may be true. Kate Nash is frustrating or heart-breaking human interaction set to music.

Infinite Forgiveness. What do I conclude? I have had a religious conscience for almost ten years and I have seldom acknowledged it. So I intrinsically believe in something like God, and so basically everything is out of our control and under divine control and nothing matters. I am quite thotless on this subject, so my thots are silly.

My Super Silly Sub-Universe. This is whatever it is. Am I the one to provide an answer. Any answer?

Anyone?

Prettiness. Aloha means hello and goodbye, so I'll just say goodbye. I am so done, so fun... laaaaaaa

Listen to Why? again... This, I do. Some say. For sure

Purple Nips of Castro

Should i type this even though it's eleven pm, and I don't want to? I'm listening to Kevin Divine, because I saw him on the Chris Gethard Show. I have spent more than an entire 24 hours watching that show in the past four days. I'm on episode 33 of the hour-long episodes. I was looking at myself in the mirror. I have almost made a joke out of my self reflection. I think I am missing something so obvious that it may kill me. My teeth and my muscles are being destroyed by the food I eat and the nothing I do. I dimmed this screen but it looked too depressing. Pat and I watched Portlandia. Life passing me by just feels perfect as a grey highway streaming thru my mind's eye. This is good music. I have to take care of Daisy soon. There are lots of things I could and should be doing. Mom told me to apply at Whole Earth and as a volunteer at the library. We went to see The Purple Rose of Cairo at the Paramount tonight. I thought about Mom not being a good person, except she is, but she has a lot of problems, which I just sort of realised recently. She should not feel responsible for me now. I feel that I have too much information dancing in my head to decide what I should be doing any given moment. My body is very weird. I think The Chris Gethard Show has become a part of my soul. This is good for me to do. I keep imagining weird situations at Julie's birthday party, but I want to go as a challenge. I really cannot see myself like other people see me. I'll ask Ashley if she wants to carpool. Mom will probably have dinner with Madeline and David and his girlfriend/womanfriend Lisa. I imagine eating barbecue and David and I questioning my life choices. I hope Charlie Kaufman puts out a film soon. Mom and I walked on Town Lake on the day I started watching bunches of TCGS, and I looked at people with lots of love. Really happy. I'm happy and sad, and I can't tell the difference. I don't care about anything or myself.

I am still afraid that I am still the same as I have always been, and that I cannot change myself. It's ASMR time. It will be all right. Good ngiht every one, bi bi.

Again Today

I just told myself a few days ago that I was sure I would never watch porn again. Somehow I let myself. I masturbated twice in the last 12 hours. Last night I was thinking about texting Ranisha to see if I can go to her place Friday night then I could get a blowjob and titfuck her maybe even have sex, then I came and I thought how stupid that idea was. Then I watched more porn this morning then thought of texting her again and letting her make me come. It even seems like something I want to do still. I thought of the order of sexual acts I could do with her. First we make out and I feel her up and maybe finger her, but that's gross, because I actually think she is gross, but I get so excited. I am never going to text her again. I'll just reply to her. I hung out with Ashley last night. After I left I thought of asking her, Would it be gross or uncomfortable if I touched you? Because I really want to. I want to make out with her. I am afraid that I will remind her of Tim or she thinks it is taboo to be with two brothers even over a year apart. Like the Lone Ranger, it's pretty weird. She usually is not that pretty to me. But I am so close to her, I really think I love her. I imagined leaning over and wrapping my arms around her tightly. Putting my head on her shoulder. I made Pina Coladas. Ashley and Jay had a small glass each and I had two and half I think. We played Gloom, which Ashley enjoyed it seemed. I won by a hundred. It was fun. Jay went to bed. We played with Sly and listened to We Are Undenyable, and watched youtube and I told her a little about ASMR, we watched tiny candy food making videos. I forgot my keys and we hugged three times I think, never really as full or long as i want. I wish I was the same height as her. I should have put the bag down and crouched until our eyes were even, then one arm up and one down. Really I want her boobs to press against my chest and put my chin on her neck and press our ears together.

I went to the Food Bank at one yesterday. I left at the break at 2:30. I made more coffee and watched 30 Rock. Now Why? is playing and I think about Andrea's breasts. i have to search breast massage now.

what else, Gravity's Rainbow is difficult to understand. Thinking alot bout mtg, added to cold fire yesterday and tim read what i have. Going to bastrop soon. Movie with aaron and evan, life aquatic. Sleep at mom's. Have a better thursday.

Totally Because Yeah

I am totally alone now. Except for Domino. And All the people who live in this building right now. Last night. I was here and the other guys were in the bedrooms. RJD2 the glow. That reminds me of apprentice eh, star wars... Jedis are really cool. I don't care about star wars much. I love the monopoly game. It is really pretty and makes me nostalgic. Christian Slater, i started to type bale but no batman, no Hey ash watcha plain.. Blackalicious is supreme! REALEASE!!!!!!! hAHA i made a pun or something.. two words made one another word some kind of konnection?  Ha DOOO I do not know Man Men I love Men, I love Humansw and earth and love and stars and whatever is in the space between the particles we have discovered.

My clavicles are sore. Passionate Men! Passionate Love. Passionate Work. Passionate Dedication. Passion Fruit Passion Friend. Hehe Saul Williams just said Passion.. I love the guy, oh...

Over whelming me, Oak and elming me... Haha, he's great. Things that aaron understands and things he wants to understand.

I've tried to add some to Cold Fire but I've lost almost all enthusiasm for it. Soul Position is real real good.

Brutal truth, feel so good, clean, real. Ready. Open. Strong. Stable. Efficient. Kind. Playful.

I'm afraid Padre is waste of time. I am going to try to make the most of it. I don't know. I guess I need to make money. I told Stacy that the Library seems like the right place for me until I can grow food and help feed people well. I love mom more than anything. I look forward most to when she gets to Padre Thursday.
I think I need to journal there. I plan to drink almost everyday, except the last. Alcohol i mean. I hope I have fun and don't take it too seriously as a time and place to grow and learn more about family, I hope I don't try too hard and I hope I don't try too little.

Ha, I was on tribe called quest radio, but I changed it, too much Wu tang violence, Now tcq is on blackalicious radio. Here comes the world...

A band name: Good Germs, I read "germs of good" In karamazov. Album called I Hope You Listen.

I imagined singing on the ruta maya stage at an open mike i guess. Just random words about blossom and cars and stuff..

I yoga'ed early morning. Except pb cheese sandwich and mozz sticks I think I ate Okay. I played OFF for awhile and stopped just before aaron got here, then he left. Oh yeah pat got coffee and doughnuts. Today seemed unusually bright. It just felt unreal. Like I could see better or just more. Like im seeing things differently somehow. Spotify is half of my real world. I want to cut off the facebook... I'm going to wake at 730, so I want to bed soon. If this MTG was out of sight I wouldnt be interested in it every day. I made two sealed decks today. Hey Ash seems like pretty average truth of upscale nerd gamers. I am not sure what that means.

Ashley listened to Swimwear... It is exasperatingly funny.


Sounds good, like summer who I was. Like Bastrop Kids, movies highschool, words silly, Grass Trees, Cleanest Houses, Abandoned shops, vacant lots, open spaces, city council meeting with the school board, farm trucks, Shakespeare nights, Radio, Glistening taco cabana, Artificial ears, Crying dolls, Dark darkness, starless skies, blank screens, lotion and mangoes, Porch light moth wings, Distance pleasure, Ashley. Greg. Forever. Dreams. Repetition. Suitability. Effort. Dry water. Macaroni. Mothers. Swiffers. Cats. life death. Piles of dirt driveways holes dusk dawn memories lawns reading writing futures explanations implications consequences truths hopes, tears, ponies, condoms, Drawers, Desk, Animal Crossing, This is dedicated to her, I miss her... I am her so much. Pumpkins, Fall, Settling, Friendship, Leaves, Jobs, Lightning fast, Parking lots, Elmo, Ernie, Dublin, Sheer face hair fringe cream skin. Feelings... frustration... Needs... Obstacles... Selves... Mystery.

What am I saying, I am channeling the wonder deep inside my unconscious mind. This music brings up a lot in me. I just texted her. She makes me feel like Nikki did, my life is happening, I have to do the best, It has to be right now, I am this real person and I know what to do and I have to do it despite every difficulty.

(: haha, love is so greeat and powerfill, like the big bad ozz frames janko... epistle apostle, ganja memephone, abridge apology, After waver sound lever, Peen apple, French disc course, dicourse, pleebs {: nuh byebye My lover, Apple food cake wake well waylay weee peeple... nooze Shy

Something to do. This is controlled and substantial. I am standing at my laptop, listening to Spotify radio.We Have Band. Then Pat came in and I stopped for a while, we checked the mail. Julie sent me and aaron postcards from Georgia. I microwaved a cucumber and put salt and oil and chili powder on it. I scrambled an egg in the left over oil and ate it. I am having a second cup of coffee. It's pretty much an actual cup. I signed up for a three hour shift at the food bank tomorrow afternoon. I played OFF for a while. It's getting more taxing. I sort of want to play Mother 3. But I think Aaron wants me to read. I read some last night, but it was crazy hard. I closed the book and got out a letter from Aaron and read four pages of that. Last night I wrote that Free Write on ego-youthful. I've thought about asking Aaron to read it. I thought about telling him how I think about killing him a lot. I told him, I hope i didnt kill you, because I put my finger in his drink. After I said it I thought, I don't care if you die, it might even be better if you do. Getting the ECG at PPD was sort of scary. It felt like dystopia where everyone is sick all the time and hooked up to machines and are unhappy and scared. I tried to sit down to read last night, but it was very uncomfortable, so I stood for a while and changed my position a lot and bounced or swayed. This coffee cream is nice. It's toffee i think. I really don't know what to do. I was thinking that all the problems in the universe are the result of matter being arranged the wrong way. That's why this guy is here treating this woman badly. The chemicals in his brain are wrong or he's supposed to be working in a field on the other side of the world where he is happy and this woman is supposed to be sleeping and having a nice dream.
Pat is eating cheese rolls and scrolling thru netflix. He's told me to eat pizza rolls a few times since last night. I told him i am trying to be healthy, even though for lunch I had a peanut butter sandwich with three oreos on it. After my chicken potato dinner I ate some vanilla wafers. The chicken was probably pretty unhealthy. Oh pat put on an LCD soundsystem documentary. Buebuey
Then the day changed.
It was nothing. It was a mistake or not. I am off the wagon. I kicked the bucket. Is that a reference to hanging oneself? Anyway I got up and ate nilla wafers and peanut butter then a cheese roll and peproni roll and cherry coke. I felt like it didn't matter. There was tasty foods around me. My stomach can do it. They won't really get inside my blood and in my cells and if they do they'll just feed them and they won't mutate them or make them die. Maybe. I really barely know anything. I know things I can see, but I can't see much.

In an hour and a half I have to get ready to go to food bank. I'm watching apprenticeEh. I annoy and frustrate Aaron by doing "nothing". What I do is watch youtube and play videogames and eat. He wants me to read. I can expand my reality by reading. I think watching vlogs can expand my reality. I feel like I accept nothing about my reality. I feel like it is all wrong. I will shower soon. I don't want to get my teeth out. I am afraid of the pain, but it won't last long.

I don't know what to say or how to end it. I mean that doubly about this and about my life. Not as in I am going to kill myself but I don't know how, but as in I don't know what the end or purpose of my life is. I don't know how to pursue some kind of life goal. I don't know how to find out what that goal is. I don't know how to make choices. I often feel like I am not real. I am not who I am.

What's for lunch. What will I wear. What will I say and do.