Food Blog # 8

Friday, Oct. 25
7:00 am
Nature Valley Caramel Cashew Protein Granola Bar

Banana

1:00 pm
Three slices Papa Murphy's pepperoni pizza
Two fat free fig newtons
Five scoops of light Creamy Creations, dark chocolate sauce, caramel sauce

10 oz. Sonic Blackberry Tea
Few Reese's Pieces

8 pm
Organic Salad, Balsamic Parmesan dressing

Can of Bush's Maple Bacon Baked Beans

Food blog # 7

Sunday October 20

Casa De Luz -
Hibiscus tea, bean soup, salad
Tortilla, beans, vegetables, rice

Coffee, milk, sugar, vanilla extract

Baker street fried fish, zucchini fries

Food Blog #6

Friday, Oct. 18

Organic Ambrosia apple (last one)

Three organic eggs fried in margarine, garlic salt, pepper

I.D. Vanilla Iced Coffee

Ben and Jerry's Heath Bar ice cream, almost half a pint

Wholly Cow cheeseburger

Some Diet Peach Snapple

Spicy Breaded Chicken Breast Filet, black beans, cherry coke

Hot Chocolate

Food Blog # 5

Thursday, Oct. 17

Two organic eggs fried in olive oil, garlic salt, pepper

Organic ambrosia apple

Two Double Dave's cheese rolls

2 cups International Delight Vanilla Iced Coffee

P. Terry's cheeseburger with onions

Orange juice, coconut rum, creme de banana

Food Blog #4

Wednesday, Oct. 16
7:00 a.m.

Two organic scrambled eggs, olive oil, garlic salt, pepper
Organic ambrosia apple

Triscuits (~20) and extra garlicky salsa

Coffee, milk, sugar, banana flavored syrup

Organic mixed greens and sweet potato, coconot oil, salt (I tripped on a stair and dropped some of it and broke the plate.)

Food Blog #1 (It is so funny to me that I forgot to post this) Worst Possible Start to a blog

Sunday, Oct. 13
9:30 a.m.
Raisin Nut Bran with 2% Milk

Organic Egg fried in Canola Oil with sea salt and black pepper

2:20 p.m.
Flour Tortilla, Market Pantry Refried beans, Jalepeno slices, provolone cheese.

Starbucks coffee, milk, vanilla coffee mate

New Is Good

I went back to sleep, because I wanted to remember a dream. I think I was dreaming, but the banging of the trash being picked up woke me up. Before I fell asleep I had the feeling that my legs were arms. I was all tingly in a frustrating way. I slept for maybe an hour, but it went so fast. I am listening to Humans. I can't think of a better band name, but I can think of better music. Sitting in this chair will mess me up. How can I be so comfortable, when this position will later make me so uncomfortable. The same way eating tons of M&Ms can feel so good, then later it hurts. I stopped watching porn, and I am even more passionate this time about never doing it again. I am going to tell Stacy about it Friday. I hope that I can break the habit and lose the impulse to watch in few weeks, based on what I heard from Woody on PKA, that it takes three weeks for something to become a habit. I hope that it works the other way, but it may be harder to break a habit that to form one. I hope that I can eliminate my perverse sexual thoughts and fantasies. It's only been four days since I watched porn. I really do not want to disappointment myself. I think maybe I should call Sprouts to see about my background check. I don't really know. I have no instructions. I don't remember everything Warren said in the voicemail. I could just listen to it again. I think I should wait to hear about drug testing. It is weird for a company to check for chemicals in urine. They should just ask employees if recreational drug use will interfere with their job. That's just me though. I feel like I am sane sometimes.

Sometimes I don't. Pat and Tim were here at Jan's with me last night. They stayed until midnite. We tried to play bezzerwizzer while watching TV. Tim fell asleep. This is Ed's house too. I am really afraid in general and about this job. I want to listen to Expectations by Belle and Sebastian. I settled on the Helio Sequnce instead. New music is so.. hopeful. Or finding music that I like is. I am really grateful for Spotify.

What will life be like on Friday? I have to call the dentist to get cavities filled. It's so boring and dead. I realized all this crime and desolation is because people are so bored. We need things to do to make ourselves better. Not that we always think we are not good enough. We should see amazing potential in ourselves. Everyone should see it in everyone and everything. Then act on it to bring it out and reach it. I don't know what our potential is, but we should believe in it and do what we can, do what we know is right.

I feel arrogant to think I have amazing potential, but I have been down on myself for a long time and it's difficult to see there is another way to relate to reality. I call myself defeatist and fatalist, and that makes it worse. I try to be open and honest. The gap between my conscience and my physicality still seems so wide. What can I do to close it? I think talking to people would help. Actually talking, actually being with someone and connecting. Why is that so frightening? I have cocooned myself so well. This blog is a way to connect, but I don't tell anyone about, because I would be terribly embarrassed to talk about it, or the things in it, in real life. In person I mean. I have thought that it would be nice to get a comment on my blog. To connect with someone. I have assimilated internet into my reality. I was interrupted by a phone call from Sprouts giving me job. I have to not be so stupid. That's negative.

Mom called, saying she's excited (I texted her about the job) and proud. I said thanks. I said I am a little bit excited and nervous. She said it's normal to feel a combination of excitement and anxiety. They are pretty much the same I think. Maybe excitement is anxiety that feels good, and anxiety is excitement that feels bad. Anyway, neither is boredom and that's good.

Bye, bye, love, Greg.

Food Blog #3

Tuesday, Oct. 15
7:30 a.m.

Two organic eggs, fried in olive oil, garlic salt, pepper
Organic Ambrosia apple (amazing, but expensive)

Coffee, milk, butterscotch schnapps, sugar

Organic mixed greens, olive oil, garlic salt, pepper

Organic sweet potato, coconut oil, salt

Two Double Dave's cheese rolls, marinara

Ten Oreos, milk

Food Blog #2 (I Forgot)

Sunday, after 6 p.m.

Organic baby greens mix, two handfuls maybe, olive oil, salt and pepper
One large organic sweet potato, coconut oil and salt

Orange juice and coconut rum


Monday

Two organic eggs, fried in no oil, garlic salt and pepper (pretty gross)
Slice of wheat bread
Organic Ambrosia apple

Baby greens mix, olive oil, garlic salt, pepper

Organic sweet potato, coconut oil, salt

Orange juice, coconut rum, banana liquor

Same Day I got to shit... :{}> Yyyyeeeeeee

I'm disappointed that my dreams seem to have become mundane to me. I may have lumped them all into the category of indescribable, and now I have been barely able to remember solid details or any flow of thought or story in them. I miss dreams. Porn's so stupid and worthless and degrading. I have tried to intervene with myself to stop watching it. It's a strong habit. I had really disgusting fantasies about Julie. I imagined telling Stacy about my sex fantasy of Stacy and adding details while telling her and getting off on it. I almost rear-ended someone on I-35 in downtown traffic while fantasizing about Julie. Typical. I had just left my interview at Sprouts. I think I shall be starting that job soon. I am worried about what will be expected of me and how I shall preform. That seems typical. Damnit. I feel horny. Mostly because I'm alone, I think. I feel like this writing is going well, though. Patrick left Friday night to Bridgett's and Saturday morning to her family in Victoria. He'll be back later today he said. Early this morning, Tim left for Kingsville to see Chelsea. He'll back Monday night. I am going to Jan's this afternoon. I must have started this about ten am. It's been raining a lot. I miss Ashley quite a bit. I really don't care about her body or intimacy anymore. I just want friendship and to know she is doing well. That sounds sappy and like I am trying to be a good, likable person. But why would I lie here. Lie as in not true. Here as in Blogger. Meta. Suck. Bluck. I got up about nine to nine thirty. I turned on the PS3 and got on youtube. I started to watch DailyGrace, but oh no ugh. So I watched/listened to Coffeh Time. It made me want to watch documentaries. I shall do that soon. I have to wash my clothes. I got semen on some underwear and blue shorts. Why do I type that and post it. It's in my head. That is the only criteria for posting here. I'm wearing an inside out black long sleeve old navy shirt. How egg-stacksly.

What isle is the world? This blog changes how I write and think. Done Does Diss Dizz Whizz, Peacczzzzee. Is this it? by da strokes. This lazy writing is depressing. I do not know how to read myself. Like how people say to read "a writer's name". And The Blow...

"isle" up there is supposed to be else, and I like that isle is a word, i like what it means.

Neech

Happy for a reason, so as to prevent everything.

Peace, Benevelonce, Propriety. I dunno vat dat meens. hun dum groom, va va va vavoooooooooooooom!

reehhhhhhhhhhh mmmrmrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr,, sound car. Be leaf. Pee Vee Bye

{: stay

Yesterday I played GTA V. I didn't watch any more Khan Academy videos. I watched ASAP science and minute physics and minute earth. Hearing about magnets at the atomic level made me want to go back to finish the chemistry videos at Khan. I don't know if I can retain any information I see or hear. I want to understand all the basic ideas and findings that lead up to high school science, which I heard from Aaron should be pre-school science. I think there is a level of learning after how things were discovered that is easier to understand for people with common knowledge. Later they can work backwards to the point where they can discover new things and forward to advancing known ideas.

In the shower last night, I remembered that people dream for an average of 3 years a life. If most people live for 75 years, then they dream %4 of their lives. If I have 50 years left to live, and I sleep at least 16 more years, then I have 34 years left to do things... I just lost 4 years of life. I thought 12 x 3 was 48. What can I do then? I have slept for about 8 years. I have only really been myself for 12 years, which is 8 waking years. So, I've lived one fifth of the time I can do stuff in. It has not gone that well. I've played a lot of games. Probably enough to fill a year. All the stuff of habit, of hygiene, and of necessity have probably taken up over a year. Probably spent at least half a year in my car. Maybe a year for school. Maybe half a year for work. All that comes to maybe 4 years. TV and movies fill a lot of time. Wasting time online should be included in that. Reading and writing, not for school, probably count for less than two months, but it could be much less. The fact that I have almost no idea how much time I may have spent reading or writing says that I don't care about them enough.

Aaron and I walking through the park in the rain brought up me not caring about doing something useful with my life, something to help other people. I think it is the pressure of needing to change the world that cripples me and makes me hide. It's that there seems to be infinite options and I go back and forth until I get confused and exhausted and I give up to do something easy and comforting. Doing good and amazing things, even if they seem simple to other people, fills me with emotion, like right now, and I feel waves of blood and hormones and my eyes water and I am afraid of people seeing me cry because I cannot explain it and I can't think straight, all I can think is, how wonderful, how sad, how hopeful, how beautiful, how mysterious. I am so much nothing. I can feel everything and I feel like I'm going to burst. So most of the time I just hide. I have learned how to do it very well by default. It's a strong habit. Breaking it will be painful and frightening. I am already tired of trying and caring and I'm ready to give up and hide in a game or in the lives of youtubers.

I never know where to start. I need so much help. Beach House. Where is God? Grains of sand. Deep space covered by sunshine, sunshine covered by grey, wet clouds. Pale, red, round face covered with tears. White, soft body covered by dark warm clothes. Mostly clean fingernails stare back at ocean eyes on the cold beach just after dawn. Sorts of things Beach House make me think of. Lost in Time. They make me think of a vague, somber 1980s. People who don't know what to make of their lives or themselves. People with perfect style who are empty. People who feel the dead lives of children in Polaroids on the skin of their hands. Always hungry, they eat peas slowly by candlelight late at night. Like ASMR videos. Walking for days, only meeting a few people, feeling nice, then standing in a massive crowd feeling totally alone and afraid.

Flying in dreams. I have to wait for Dave or Julio to replace the light in the foyer. Posture is my nemesis. Boxers biting teeth. Blackalicious Reanimation. I have to youtube. I am lost. Then I feel close and happy.

I don't know how to end. Byebye.

Neil's Boredom

Dream's are like life but less interesting. I woke up with the tune to a punk pop song in my head.

It's a nice day. I'm at home alone. At my real home, my first home. It's the middle of the day. There is really only one day. I am deeply unsettled. I guess it's because of Daisy. I guess I am wanted to walk her, or get her to exercise somehow. She has a gimpy leg. She went outside for a bit. She just kept lying down on the floor inside. Screens are so unsatisfying. I need more humans to live with. I'm listening to Broken Social Scene. I watched Waking Life, most of it, at A's. I watched Coffeh Time. I watched Suicide Girls podcast, and I got erect at a video called girls kissing. Now I'm listening to Jason Schwartzman, Coconut Records. My back feels messed up. I have about 7 hours until Mom gets here. I guess I should read or write or something necessary or perfect or something and something or other. I misspelled two words: "coffeh" and "Schwartzman".

There must be a lot of thoughts in between these thoughts. Paris 2004. I'm simultaneously trying and trying not to think about all the people in horrible pain right now. Ignoring dogs is a fatal activity. I feel like all my problems will be solved by watching Youtube videos. Mom said she wonders why wolves don't bark and dogs do. I wondered too. Just IN: Wolves bark, but it's rare. Domestication may have led dogs to bark.

I do not know what my thoughts would be if I did not know A. Driving home, listening to Building Nothing out of Something, I felt heavy wastefulness and disappointment. It is aggravating. I do not know what to do. I do not know who I am. I do not know why we are alive. There has to be a good reason. Maybe not, but we should just live well anyway. Mom made dumb blondies last night. They are so dense and chewy. I don't know what's going to happen. I ate some, listening to Kimya Dawson, then I brushed my teeth. That makes twice today. Wisdom tooth surgery has made me brush a lot more.Yesterday, when Pat was at school, I masturbated in the bathroom to a Suicide Girls video called wet. It wasn't great, because I was afraid he would walk in. I'm trying not to masturbate today. It's just about comforting myself and hiding from my problems, making things worse. I feel really good about this. I told myself I had to get out of the M's house. I cannot see outside and everything is so close. It's scary. And TV and dog and darkness. I'm going to check out that sort of poem on this blog about Bastrop and Ashley. Maybe I'll call it Ashtrop.

I want to live forever.

Why do certain things/situations make my brain tell my eyes to water like crazy (cry). I want to know. Physical emotions, Nadal collapsing and crying and smiling after winning the US open. Dinner with Meemaw was weird. She is 86 and really quiet and distant. David and Tim are weird and very different from each other. ITERATIONS - METAPHOREST.

Something, I want to be. I need. I am myself. I am changing. I can barely see the light outside of my own head holes. What is inside? Where does it end? What began all this? I'm sure I'll find something to keep happy. Bye bye for now, papa.

How Do I

Always come up with a title first. 1ST FIRST! That's not You tube dot com. This is Ellie Goulding. My name is Bret, name IS BRET.

What should I name you? You can choose. Then I name you that name. You choose.

One of the best and hardest psychologist appointments I have ever had ended less than 40 minutes ago.

I feel an intense, almost crippling, love for humanity and life. I thought, "Take care of myself," and set myself off with happy tears and thought it should be illegal to drive and cry. Driving while very emotional or sleepy is just as bad as driving drunk. I thought of sleepiness as an emotion and sleep as its expression, and in order to resolve any emotion one must express it, hopefully safely. Unexpressed emotions must have a slower, internal, more damaging resolution. An obvious example is anger leading to stress leading to heart disease/cancer. O, God, I'm hungry. Food just seems too simple. People go thru a lot of trouble to make food unhealthy with the excuse of making it tasty. That cannot be excused. We love it though. Tho.

I recently hypothesized that our generation is satirizing the insane culture it grew up in and having a great time, making our culture even more insane.

Hypothesized sounds so pretentious (so does satirizing, but some people are doing something like that). I was just wondering about what may be true. Kate Nash is frustrating or heart-breaking human interaction set to music.

Infinite Forgiveness. What do I conclude? I have had a religious conscience for almost ten years and I have seldom acknowledged it. So I intrinsically believe in something like God, and so basically everything is out of our control and under divine control and nothing matters. I am quite thotless on this subject, so my thots are silly.

My Super Silly Sub-Universe. This is whatever it is. Am I the one to provide an answer. Any answer?

Anyone?

Prettiness. Aloha means hello and goodbye, so I'll just say goodbye. I am so done, so fun... laaaaaaa

Listen to Why? again... This, I do. Some say. For sure

Purple Nips of Castro

Should i type this even though it's eleven pm, and I don't want to? I'm listening to Kevin Divine, because I saw him on the Chris Gethard Show. I have spent more than an entire 24 hours watching that show in the past four days. I'm on episode 33 of the hour-long episodes. I was looking at myself in the mirror. I have almost made a joke out of my self reflection. I think I am missing something so obvious that it may kill me. My teeth and my muscles are being destroyed by the food I eat and the nothing I do. I dimmed this screen but it looked too depressing. Pat and I watched Portlandia. Life passing me by just feels perfect as a grey highway streaming thru my mind's eye. This is good music. I have to take care of Daisy soon. There are lots of things I could and should be doing. Mom told me to apply at Whole Earth and as a volunteer at the library. We went to see The Purple Rose of Cairo at the Paramount tonight. I thought about Mom not being a good person, except she is, but she has a lot of problems, which I just sort of realised recently. She should not feel responsible for me now. I feel that I have too much information dancing in my head to decide what I should be doing any given moment. My body is very weird. I think The Chris Gethard Show has become a part of my soul. This is good for me to do. I keep imagining weird situations at Julie's birthday party, but I want to go as a challenge. I really cannot see myself like other people see me. I'll ask Ashley if she wants to carpool. Mom will probably have dinner with Madeline and David and his girlfriend/womanfriend Lisa. I imagine eating barbecue and David and I questioning my life choices. I hope Charlie Kaufman puts out a film soon. Mom and I walked on Town Lake on the day I started watching bunches of TCGS, and I looked at people with lots of love. Really happy. I'm happy and sad, and I can't tell the difference. I don't care about anything or myself.

I am still afraid that I am still the same as I have always been, and that I cannot change myself. It's ASMR time. It will be all right. Good ngiht every one, bi bi.

Again Today

I just told myself a few days ago that I was sure I would never watch porn again. Somehow I let myself. I masturbated twice in the last 12 hours. Last night I was thinking about texting Ranisha to see if I can go to her place Friday night then I could get a blowjob and titfuck her maybe even have sex, then I came and I thought how stupid that idea was. Then I watched more porn this morning then thought of texting her again and letting her make me come. It even seems like something I want to do still. I thought of the order of sexual acts I could do with her. First we make out and I feel her up and maybe finger her, but that's gross, because I actually think she is gross, but I get so excited. I am never going to text her again. I'll just reply to her. I hung out with Ashley last night. After I left I thought of asking her, Would it be gross or uncomfortable if I touched you? Because I really want to. I want to make out with her. I am afraid that I will remind her of Tim or she thinks it is taboo to be with two brothers even over a year apart. Like the Lone Ranger, it's pretty weird. She usually is not that pretty to me. But I am so close to her, I really think I love her. I imagined leaning over and wrapping my arms around her tightly. Putting my head on her shoulder. I made Pina Coladas. Ashley and Jay had a small glass each and I had two and half I think. We played Gloom, which Ashley enjoyed it seemed. I won by a hundred. It was fun. Jay went to bed. We played with Sly and listened to We Are Undenyable, and watched youtube and I told her a little about ASMR, we watched tiny candy food making videos. I forgot my keys and we hugged three times I think, never really as full or long as i want. I wish I was the same height as her. I should have put the bag down and crouched until our eyes were even, then one arm up and one down. Really I want her boobs to press against my chest and put my chin on her neck and press our ears together.

I went to the Food Bank at one yesterday. I left at the break at 2:30. I made more coffee and watched 30 Rock. Now Why? is playing and I think about Andrea's breasts. i have to search breast massage now.

what else, Gravity's Rainbow is difficult to understand. Thinking alot bout mtg, added to cold fire yesterday and tim read what i have. Going to bastrop soon. Movie with aaron and evan, life aquatic. Sleep at mom's. Have a better thursday.

Totally Because Yeah

I am totally alone now. Except for Domino. And All the people who live in this building right now. Last night. I was here and the other guys were in the bedrooms. RJD2 the glow. That reminds me of apprentice eh, star wars... Jedis are really cool. I don't care about star wars much. I love the monopoly game. It is really pretty and makes me nostalgic. Christian Slater, i started to type bale but no batman, no Hey ash watcha plain.. Blackalicious is supreme! REALEASE!!!!!!! hAHA i made a pun or something.. two words made one another word some kind of konnection?  Ha DOOO I do not know Man Men I love Men, I love Humansw and earth and love and stars and whatever is in the space between the particles we have discovered.

My clavicles are sore. Passionate Men! Passionate Love. Passionate Work. Passionate Dedication. Passion Fruit Passion Friend. Hehe Saul Williams just said Passion.. I love the guy, oh...

Over whelming me, Oak and elming me... Haha, he's great. Things that aaron understands and things he wants to understand.

I've tried to add some to Cold Fire but I've lost almost all enthusiasm for it. Soul Position is real real good.

Brutal truth, feel so good, clean, real. Ready. Open. Strong. Stable. Efficient. Kind. Playful.

I'm afraid Padre is waste of time. I am going to try to make the most of it. I don't know. I guess I need to make money. I told Stacy that the Library seems like the right place for me until I can grow food and help feed people well. I love mom more than anything. I look forward most to when she gets to Padre Thursday.
I think I need to journal there. I plan to drink almost everyday, except the last. Alcohol i mean. I hope I have fun and don't take it too seriously as a time and place to grow and learn more about family, I hope I don't try too hard and I hope I don't try too little.

Ha, I was on tribe called quest radio, but I changed it, too much Wu tang violence, Now tcq is on blackalicious radio. Here comes the world...

A band name: Good Germs, I read "germs of good" In karamazov. Album called I Hope You Listen.

I imagined singing on the ruta maya stage at an open mike i guess. Just random words about blossom and cars and stuff..

I yoga'ed early morning. Except pb cheese sandwich and mozz sticks I think I ate Okay. I played OFF for awhile and stopped just before aaron got here, then he left. Oh yeah pat got coffee and doughnuts. Today seemed unusually bright. It just felt unreal. Like I could see better or just more. Like im seeing things differently somehow. Spotify is half of my real world. I want to cut off the facebook... I'm going to wake at 730, so I want to bed soon. If this MTG was out of sight I wouldnt be interested in it every day. I made two sealed decks today. Hey Ash seems like pretty average truth of upscale nerd gamers. I am not sure what that means.

Ashley listened to Swimwear... It is exasperatingly funny.


Sounds good, like summer who I was. Like Bastrop Kids, movies highschool, words silly, Grass Trees, Cleanest Houses, Abandoned shops, vacant lots, open spaces, city council meeting with the school board, farm trucks, Shakespeare nights, Radio, Glistening taco cabana, Artificial ears, Crying dolls, Dark darkness, starless skies, blank screens, lotion and mangoes, Porch light moth wings, Distance pleasure, Ashley. Greg. Forever. Dreams. Repetition. Suitability. Effort. Dry water. Macaroni. Mothers. Swiffers. Cats. life death. Piles of dirt driveways holes dusk dawn memories lawns reading writing futures explanations implications consequences truths hopes, tears, ponies, condoms, Drawers, Desk, Animal Crossing, This is dedicated to her, I miss her... I am her so much. Pumpkins, Fall, Settling, Friendship, Leaves, Jobs, Lightning fast, Parking lots, Elmo, Ernie, Dublin, Sheer face hair fringe cream skin. Feelings... frustration... Needs... Obstacles... Selves... Mystery.

What am I saying, I am channeling the wonder deep inside my unconscious mind. This music brings up a lot in me. I just texted her. She makes me feel like Nikki did, my life is happening, I have to do the best, It has to be right now, I am this real person and I know what to do and I have to do it despite every difficulty.

(: haha, love is so greeat and powerfill, like the big bad ozz frames janko... epistle apostle, ganja memephone, abridge apology, After waver sound lever, Peen apple, French disc course, dicourse, pleebs {: nuh byebye My lover, Apple food cake wake well waylay weee peeple... nooze Shy

Something to do. This is controlled and substantial. I am standing at my laptop, listening to Spotify radio.We Have Band. Then Pat came in and I stopped for a while, we checked the mail. Julie sent me and aaron postcards from Georgia. I microwaved a cucumber and put salt and oil and chili powder on it. I scrambled an egg in the left over oil and ate it. I am having a second cup of coffee. It's pretty much an actual cup. I signed up for a three hour shift at the food bank tomorrow afternoon. I played OFF for a while. It's getting more taxing. I sort of want to play Mother 3. But I think Aaron wants me to read. I read some last night, but it was crazy hard. I closed the book and got out a letter from Aaron and read four pages of that. Last night I wrote that Free Write on ego-youthful. I've thought about asking Aaron to read it. I thought about telling him how I think about killing him a lot. I told him, I hope i didnt kill you, because I put my finger in his drink. After I said it I thought, I don't care if you die, it might even be better if you do. Getting the ECG at PPD was sort of scary. It felt like dystopia where everyone is sick all the time and hooked up to machines and are unhappy and scared. I tried to sit down to read last night, but it was very uncomfortable, so I stood for a while and changed my position a lot and bounced or swayed. This coffee cream is nice. It's toffee i think. I really don't know what to do. I was thinking that all the problems in the universe are the result of matter being arranged the wrong way. That's why this guy is here treating this woman badly. The chemicals in his brain are wrong or he's supposed to be working in a field on the other side of the world where he is happy and this woman is supposed to be sleeping and having a nice dream.
Pat is eating cheese rolls and scrolling thru netflix. He's told me to eat pizza rolls a few times since last night. I told him i am trying to be healthy, even though for lunch I had a peanut butter sandwich with three oreos on it. After my chicken potato dinner I ate some vanilla wafers. The chicken was probably pretty unhealthy. Oh pat put on an LCD soundsystem documentary. Buebuey
Then the day changed.
It was nothing. It was a mistake or not. I am off the wagon. I kicked the bucket. Is that a reference to hanging oneself? Anyway I got up and ate nilla wafers and peanut butter then a cheese roll and peproni roll and cherry coke. I felt like it didn't matter. There was tasty foods around me. My stomach can do it. They won't really get inside my blood and in my cells and if they do they'll just feed them and they won't mutate them or make them die. Maybe. I really barely know anything. I know things I can see, but I can't see much.

In an hour and a half I have to get ready to go to food bank. I'm watching apprenticeEh. I annoy and frustrate Aaron by doing "nothing". What I do is watch youtube and play videogames and eat. He wants me to read. I can expand my reality by reading. I think watching vlogs can expand my reality. I feel like I accept nothing about my reality. I feel like it is all wrong. I will shower soon. I don't want to get my teeth out. I am afraid of the pain, but it won't last long.

I don't know what to say or how to end it. I mean that doubly about this and about my life. Not as in I am going to kill myself but I don't know how, but as in I don't know what the end or purpose of my life is. I don't know how to pursue some kind of life goal. I don't know how to find out what that goal is. I don't know how to make choices. I often feel like I am not real. I am not who I am.

What's for lunch. What will I wear. What will I say and do.

title...

Maybe mayber what the fuck!@!

I lucking fuvv GracieHInaBox! Michele is cool! So young and so Old videos!! I am only I a little years younger than them... Youtube, just talking to a camera looking interesting, thinking out loud, living openly... Makes living possible makes one feel included and important...

I keep watching porn and masturbating... It sucks... I am not myself... I am a lesser being... I am an animal.

Are other animals capable of transcendence? Are humans? If so, what would the purpose of transcendence.
Transcendence is controlling your instincts (such as not masturbating just because you can) and working towards a higher goal, such as whatever exists in your best dreams, then not being overly concerned with worldly matters and caring infinitely about what eternity will be like for everyone...

Daily Grace, July 25th 2013, "That's a human thing! I'm surrounding myself with it... Not human, alive. I have a hard time distinguishing between alive and just human. Neither here nor there."

Watching so much grace helbig... I am not sure that I am alive... That sounds a bit like transcendence..

I love... ... ellipses... Nothing ever ends... All being are immortal... Space and time are infinite...

i want to be creative... suck... read bros karamoozoovoo.... Kazoo [: bye kneegrows iluvu