As a Member of This Species

Not a future for nothing

a healthy separation of ego and duty

I think about nothing, but then I think again, but I think about nothing, but then I think again, but I think about nothing, but then I think again, but I think about nothing, but then I think again, but I think about nothing, but then I think again, but I think about nothing, but then I think again, but I think about nothing, but then I think again, but I think about nothing, but then I think again, but I think about nothing, but then I think again, but I think about nothing, but then I think again, but I think about nothing, but then I think again, but I think about nothing, but then I think again, but I think about nothing, but  then I think again...

White Paper

Walking on a savanna with a Patrick, animals surround us, most of them eating animals or being eaten. I hear a voice over say we might be mauled by hyenas. I am afraid. We walk up a small hill where we find a sidewalk, which looks strange here. The sidewalk runs along the top of a ridge. We follow it. Soon there are store buildings, fences, and houses, which look ugly. The sidewalk ends and I step down onto grass, noticing a Nintendo DS on the ground. I look at it as I walk past. There are a man and woman walking behind us, and the woman says Hey, a DS! and picks it up. I tell Pat I had seen it but didn't care. We walk on a small grassy strip between a retail district and a residential district. We go into a store. It's small and plain. We sign in. There are ten or so people. We give them information about ourselves. We sit at white folding tables and eat cafeteria food. A man sitting with us talks to us. I do not know what we are doing there. After eating Pat, who I think is now J.D., farts loudly, and the man near us makes a face. I want to fart but am too embarrassed. I go to pee. The urinal is right near the restroom door and looks like it was homemade from plastic. Inside there is some metal contraption on the bottom with gears and rods and on the back are instructions on paper like it's a broken game. Anyway I pee on it.

I am busy in my mind. The internet is my other mother. I sleep inside it like a bear in winter. I am my own brother.

I have been watching TheWaterwhispers Ilse a lot. She turns me on easily. I guess I will watch two Good Mythical Morning episodes today.
I applied to Sprouts last night. That could be good. We went to Target and bought cookies and ate them and watched the Sarah Silverman Program.
I want the earth to be good to me. I want to be good to the earth. I am going to eat cereal soon.

Expressionless cat sits on windowsill and looks at the foreign outside. Does he want to go there? It is grey. Maybe in the sixties. Hungry pooping hungry pooping hungry pooping hungry pooping. Dying relaxing dying relaxing dying relaxing dying relaxing dying relaxing dying dying relaxing axing dying dying relaxing axing dying dying relaxing axing dying dying relaxing axing... I killed my father because it was fun, and I died when I did.

Has to Work

We are a body.

We answer the unsettling mysteries of eternity and now with the unsatisfying conclusions of every moment.

We are the United States of the United States.

I pace and jiggle to the happy and forlorn sounds of the blues...

What is the definition of "forlorn"? How do you define "forlorn"?

Missiissppi John hurt is a soul traveler. Nobody dies. Only a body can die.

We're so different than what we really are...

Just to lighten up...

Barfing farts...

Smelling love injustly.

Bellowing tiger for your breath to be fire at the stake, burning some young peace.........


Good
  morning Greg!
I put coffee +
water in the latte
maker- just add
milk + syrup + you're
ready.
   I'll call when I'm
on the way-
           Love,
                Mom

Here and Then

An hour ago I finished my first five days of test taking for Pearson. The first thing on my mind is the girl I sat next to today. My emotions about her (and generally about physical love) make me feel like crying. She sort of reminded me of Julie. I love Julie romantically more than I do anyone, I think. It's strange because I would be over the moon to be in a romantic, physical relationship with her, but in my mind she is Aaron's future wife and therefore untouchable. So, this girl, I lusted over her for four days. We never spoke, and I don't know if she noticed me. I pondered conquering my fear of speaking to her and attempted to devise plans to meet her and what to say. That's muddled language, but it's accurate. The thought that I loved her came up many times, and I tried to discourage it, like Aaron described in a letter to me. A few minutes ago, I asked myself why I had fallen for her so and why I was so nervous. She was cute. I imagined she was not older than 18. I liked her clothing and mannerisms. I was not watching her extremely closely; I still had to take tests. When she sat next to me today (we were assigned sectioned off work stations), I substantially freaked out internally. I sweated more and took a few minutes to read a couple of short sentences. I wanted to stare at her all day. I wanted to go on walk with her and hold her hand. I wanted to go to bed with her and just lay with her. So those desires were the cause of most of my nervousness. Also the weirdness of imagining us talking and getting to know each other, and spending the rest of our lives together... It didn't last long. I started thinking that I probably won't like her and she probably thinks I am ugly. I had the feeling of bitterness and giving up.

I'm listening to Huun-huur Tu. Nomad Song is super! Domino is climbing on me! Hard to type! I'll pet you later I said!

Goddam, what am I? Spinster Nazi Ninja... perhapppppppppppppppppssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

On the drive home I began thinking my thoughts as if writing my life story. I speculated as to how much I think differently from most humans and how many thousands or millions of humans think similarly to me.

I took a walk on a break, and, looking at a fence, buildings, and automobiles, I wanted to analyze how we have changed the face of the earth, what this land looked like a hundred years ago, and what we have made and why. A huge list that explains why things are this way here.

A man said to me today, "Nice shirt." I'm wearing my favorite shirt today. It is black with blue and red and has an illustration of a shore that goes all the way around the shirt. At the top is a lot tiny why spots for stars. It is righteous. Righteousness reminds me of Zelda. Going to India by Flaming Lips reminds me of Julie. It's called A Machine in India. Why do I think I am so special? It is so hard to connect with people. I need Aaron's help. I need my mother's help. I need Stacy's help. I need Ashley's help. I need the help of my brothers. I thought about that repetition sounding profound, not that it does, but that last sentence seems like an eternal human confession and necessary realization, brothers being a synonym for humankind.

OK, that's enough. Patrick came out of his room.

Bye bye, earth internet 

Sheep Go at Night

It's alone! I'm me! I never said that to be the one who said that.
I listen to Metaphorest for the first time. I heard them on a Levi's commercial that was just a music video. The actual video was also a music video. It was a cool song and video about waterfalls and San Francisco.
There are some girls from Dexter, Michigan. There is a boy from Dexter, Oregon. There are leaves on the ground. There are always everywhere songs. There are pictures of music outside up high.
I listened to a band called the W's for the first time. I am the 1990's staying at home watch TV on Sunny Day.
There are advertisements on every vertical surface. There are pristine kodachrome suburban streets. There are robes and baked goods. There is the feeling of a girl's tiny hairs on her skin. I don't know that.
There is an alcoholic tongue in my mouth. There is a stadium full of darkness. There are very, very, very quiet planets.
My mouth is sugar-coated. My shoes are coats.
Pat went to see Matt at Polvo's. Tim will be back from work in under an hour I presume I hope.
I should go outside as always. I read as always. Right now, I think I should be doing this. This is very me. It is what I do. I saw Ashley last night. We were great! There was quite a bit of sitting and staring. But we walked and I asked about houses and marriage.
I had a job today! It was my first day, and I could have 8 more. What a money machine. I can buy lots of coffee, damn it! I take high school tests for money. They want me to try my best, but I can do as bad as I want. On one essay, I tried to sound pretty stupid and typed a lot of run on sentences.
Metaphorest is tickling me pretty well. I want to vomit and die! Then play video games, work out, read and sleep for a while and wake up and go back to sleep and wake again and make coffee and eggs.
There is nothing happening and nothing to live for! I am going to live and love her (person I know) FOR EV ER!
I am going to visit other planets and moons (at least in the imaginary place behind my brain)!
I am taking off my hat. Consistence! For 333 years. I am liking your toadstool face. I break it off and chew it up and spit it on a sapling near the blacksmith's shop. Now you're a painting four towns to the left in a bowl of soup in a graveyard on top of the mountain where sheep go at night to pray for the soul of the universe that created ours.
The End.

Soem

My dad dies yesterday. Creeping grin. My friend is dead yesterday. Melting eyes.
I have watched 4 episodes of Frasier this morning. I ate 4 pizza rolls last night.
Patrick, Tim, Casey, and I played 3 holes of disc golf yesterday. Patrick and I left in Tim's car at 6.
Pat showered, and I dropped him off at the Metropolitan theater. Nobody knows who or what he went to see. He came in at about 11:30 last night while I was watching Anthony Bourdain in Tuscany.
In the afternoon, I took him to the post office and kicked around a piece of wood while I waited.
Then we went to the Erwin Center so he could drop off paper work for his employment. I thought about hell and sang Devil Town as I waited under trees 2822, 2823, 2824, and 2825. The metal tag for 2824 had broken off. There was an orange fungus at the base of tree 2823. I sliced bits of it with my flip flop.
Before Pat woke up, I watched the youtube. Then I watched Camille Crimson videos and jacked off sexually. I wonder how many hours of my life I remember. I don't think I can remember time from my life, but I canthe substance, like most of the episodes of the Office. I can remember walking along a weird country trail with Ashley and her standing on a mattress while I took a picture. I think I put a flower in her hair. We sat on my bed and watched videos and movies on my laptop. I have thought several times recently that I miss my life and I miss who I was. I guess that is called nostalgia. We look to the past because we know what to feel towards it. The future is unknown, but it is alive in the present as is the past.The force is sudden. Patrick drove Tim and I to Kit's house then went to three highways. I have never felt closer to crashing. My hands and feet were sweating profusely. Patrick going out scares me. It is unfamiliar.
After Casey and Tim got back from disc golfing, we went to Target. As we drove out of the apartments' parking lot, I smelled Casey, saw  his mass, and thought how Tim had said he hated him and was done with him. I was happy he was with us now. I was amazed at how life was still going on. Tim and Patrick were still seeing friends. I have not seen a friend in about a month. I almost enjoy how my life is going nowhere.
I saw the actor playing Frasier's son and what he was wearing and his hair and I wanted to put him in a huge meat grinder. I wonder how genuine my desire to kill people is.

Something and soemthing and something and another snomething.

I really hate Halloween. Maybe I like New Year Day because boobs. Being the end being the beginning.

How I Came to Spend So Much Time Tonight Online with Lily Dawn

One day I went to the poetry foundation online, because Aaron told me about it and I wanted to do something good and perhaps worthwhile. I read an article about Leigh Stein's Dispatch from the Future. Later on, I was interested in her poetry and I searched her on google and eventually found a site that posted a poem of hers. While there, I read a poem by xTx, and then I went to xTx's blog. I looked at what xTx was following and saw ben brooks lives here and read some of his blog. Days later, I revisit his blog and read more and find a post from Lily Dawn and links to her pages. So I followed and absorbed what I could. I think she is very cute, and I like that she is a bit older and I like her videos and her writings and I want to boyfriend her.
Now, Stuff -
I want to go to Julie's birthday tomorrow. I am very nervous to do that. I will most likely be out of place. I try to imagine talking to someone. I could tell them that I am practicing socializing. That's basically the reason I want to go, to practice being around people. Also I want to see the people and experience the pleasures of the situation. I'd like to prove that I am worth something, but I'm not sure what I am worth or how to prove it. I am very nervous about seeing Andrea there. It seems like I'd ruin her time if she saw me.
I imagine I seem quite pathetic to people. There was a woman in Target today. I have to go out before 11 am tomorrow. Tomorrow seems busy, but it's not really, relatively it is. I mean this day, this Thursday.
The woman in Target looked very nice. I got slightly sad thinking that I was in no position to talk to her or be of interest to her. I am a little worried that I am getting fat. That is silly, but I know I want to and should eat better. I've felt like listening to Dr. Dog's I Hope There's Love this night.
I thought, I don't want a job. I ignored a call today. I imagine it was from someone I asked for a job. I also ignored a call from Stacy and I miss her. She's my therapist, who I can't afford to see until I answers calls about jobs. I need to see her and talk about how I'm anxious about getting a job.
I see Kit tomorrow. He makes me nervous. I want to break things. I should sleep.
I feel like watching porn, but I am never going to again. I haven't in over a week and it feels great.
I hate this screen. My body is not doing well. Good Bye Now! ilove goodbye, bye bye, see people, nigght ayes

Post Title

I was extremely lethargic, watching Rhett and Link videos for most of the day.
I am almost frantic now. I feel life going by. I feel like I have to do something or I might implode and cease to be. I ate White Castle frozen burgers for breakfast. I ate a black bean burger and tortilla chips and cheddar cheese and cheerios and peanut butter all within about 2 hours.
I have had minimal textual contact. Jan called me, and we talked for a few minutes.
I am very okay at typing.
I'm listening to Modest Mouse. I read my old breakdown of what life is and should be. It was semi-inspirational.
I almost hate getting on facebook. I will ban it from myself for a week.
Reading any of the books I brought almost seems impossible. How am I going to read? Focusing is the most difficult task. It was actually Ugly Casanova that I was listening to.
I think I am addicted to the images of Rhett and Link and the sounds of their voices.
I am acutely aware of not having been outside today.
I had some weird, dramatic dreams.
I have to I have to.
There are one million and one things to say ay ay. I'm not singing, just repeating myself.
I reeally do not feel alive. I like Levek's music.
I cannot feel. All I do is feel. I cannot think. I cannot be. I want to sing.
UI ahve moved to the dining room table.
I feel bad for Traveler, the cat. It's too early to feed him and I am too afraid of anything happening to him and of losing him to let him outside.
I keep thinking that I am insane. Nothing about my behavior indicates sanity.
I am going to Hamilton Pool tom orrow with Ashley Oney. I know her full name. I only have vague ideas of how to connect with her. I think we're only friends because we are both very easy-going and like a lot of the same things.
It frightens me to try to connect with Aaron. It feels like hope, sanity, faith, and existence are at stake in our relationship.
I must be way too serious. I must be way too ungrateful. I am not really either. At least I try not to be.
There is nothing for me to do. I cannot go outside. I could, but I would not be at ease trying to figure out what to do in a place where people can see me. I am afaraind of carpull tunnel sindrome.
I want to eat my own face.
I want to tear off my genitalls.
This makes me think I may not be sane. I don't really want to, but I think I do, because something is frustrating me. Something about my actions, my choices, my personality.
It's the nothingness, the horror. The triviality, the sameness, the oneness, the endlessness.
Eagerness, anticipation, dumbfoundedness. Tastelessness. Brutality. Insanity. Blossoming.
These things in one way or another are killing me and driving me up inside a tree.

I am a peaceful ocean scene. Carolyn bought Toaster a thomas. She sent it in mail. It's in box. It's over roads  in North America. It's unending oneness. It's a trivial map route. Inside the Toaster's brain there's a matchbox. It is creating early human ancestors. There are rainy days on the coast of Oregon. It is becoming night again and night again. There are fires everywhere in the human bodies. Little cats have fires in every little cat hair. There are blazing hairs and there is no relief. There are no days off.
There are no endless hair brains, filling out forms and putting out fires.
There is something in listening to regina Spektor.
We can go everywhere. Perpetually human, suspended and open.
That is good to say, and to ty



pe.
bye

This is something!

Hi, Internet Journal!

It's a wonderful Wednesday! I have not done much today. I made a lot of comments on facebook. That was pretty lame and mildly amusing. I masturbated to Sasha Grey. I should not type that, because I should not have done that. I listen to cool songs on gooveShrark! Modest Mousy stuff and Joanna Newsomy stuff! Page France, Ugly Cassanova, Okkervil River, The Mountain Goats, Levek, Jason Anderson, Lower Dens.
I wrote mein dreams down. Some scary, some ordinary. I play tested my Worldfire deck a lot and changed some cards.
Yesterday, mother came and took us to see Dark Knight Rises. I like the way Bane talks. In his speech on TV it looked like he was going cross-eyed. At one point I wanted to read all about the guy who killed those people at the premier. I didn't really like much about the movie. We drove back to the apartment, and Tim went with us to play tennis. Mom and Tim won 6 games to 4 against Pat and me. We went to Sonic and Double Daves. We went back home, ate, and watched Breaking Bad. I drank almost an entire large Root Beer float, and my stomach hurt later.
If Aaron sees her, asks her, then texts me, I will find out if Paige will allow me to go with her and Aaron to Big Bend next week. I am excited to be close to her for three days. She is exceptionally attractive. I hope that somehow we will touch or kiss... but that is a far off fantasy I am quite sure.
Aaron seems to plan not to go to the beach this summer, and I asked Ashley if the two of us can go. She seems to like the idea. I want to be able to touch and hold her in the tent. I don't know why, but kissing her does not seem possible. I think she will respect her relationship with Ruben when we are alone, but I don't want her to think that that means she and I cannot be intimate while we are on a trip while she has some boyfriend who is not there. That was an ill-constructed sentence. I want to be attractive and interesting to someone who I want to impress, who I think is attractive and interesting. Namely, Ashley or Paige.
I am not sure if my beard is disgusting or ridiculous or if it is actually nice or something.
The picnic with Julie, Aaron, and Peter on Sunday afternoon went well. We walked to the graffiti place. It was hot. Julie and Peter did not deal with the heat well. I suppose Julie was tired from being active all day.
I got to touch her arm a little. Weird.
It seems things are always falling short of their potential, especially conversations, when Aaron is around, because it seems he always tries to make moments more meaningful, partly by talking in a meaningful way, but the people around him, especially me, think that it's enough just being together and living comfortably where ever we are... I speak only for myself.
It's Thursday! It's stupid to be a slave to my desires. I am addicted to Good Mythical Morning.
Not sure what to do.. Okay, I gotta go!!!!!!!
Bye, Lover!
xxooXXoo<3 p="p">

Put a grave in heiro. I am gravely looking forward to it. I remove myself from everything. Empty child holds me. I gladly speak for it intestinally, a cat on my lap. Mr. CoffeeLips, Yes. I cannot remove myself from myself. Somethings remove me from myself. Disc Golf and dreams while asleep. Sigur Ros in the video screen. Aisles at Target. Speakers on medium. I hunger for a while.

everyday in me

I am going to type everything I have wanted to say in the past two days right now.

I don't like my life. I think I am wasting it. I don't want a service job. I don't want to go to school. I want to sell my semen. I clicked on the link in my e-mail, but I could not get to the questionnaire.

I listened to some tune-yards yesterday. She made me happy. Patrick turned on the TV and looked at the Disney movies and I checked the chronology and we watched The Rescuers. Tim came home in the middle and watched the rest with us. It gave me mild enjoyment. Earlier, on Monday, I watched a documentary called Thirst, which I liked, then I watched a documentary, for which we had seen a trailer quite a while ago, called Nature of Existence. It was all right, far-reaching, and directionless.

On Sunday morning, I watched a documentary called Which Way Home, about children trying to come into the U.S. through Mexico. I was enjoying it, then I searched for porn on my laptop and paused the movie, went to my room and masturbated. I took a shower and went back to the movie.
I was pretty good. I liked the darkness and realism. There was Nick Cave's Song for Jesse throughout it. After that I watched a movie called Lbs. It was interesting and different than I thought it would be, then Kit and Tim came in and we watched some together, then Kit left. Tim had a new phone that he was focused on. I liked the movie; it was sort of inspirational; the guy lost a lot of weight. It felt pretty true to life.

I read some of A Poetry Handbook and the contemporary poetry anthology. I wish I were a lot less horny. I wish so much did not make me feel like crying. I wish I were a lot less afraid of people.
Somehow, it seems I could be okay with dying. I don't think I put much value on human life. Death and violence upset me very much, but I don't think anyone should be alive. I don't want anyone to die, but a dead body is just as useful as a living one.

I don't like pain; I don't like sadness. How much joy can one person take? God is beyond the infinite. Infinity is limited because it cannot be expressed in finite terms. I learned that from a Jew.

Something is killing me. I saw two pretty fat people at Target. I broke plans with Ashley. I blew off the party at Julie's.

I am not healthy in many ways. I do want to live well while I am alive.
Aaron just wants to be perfect, so that he can be closer to God.

What's the moral? What's the lesson? What's the imperative? Can we speak with trees or sun?

I should be clean and calm and collected. I should be sustainable. We have played quite a bit of Duel of the Planeswalkers on the PS3 lately. Tomorrow is America's birthday. 236 I believe, if my math is correct.
"He ate a bunch of hoagies, now he's thin... Well that's bullshit."

I do not know what to do. Reading is a chore. I don't know how to make it mean something.

Words are pretty, they look pretty, they sound pretty, not as pretty as a pretty woman. I need to see Ashley today. I want to tell her many things, I want to hug her very tight. I want to smell her.

I have to keep reading good poets, whoever they are, maybe soon I'll be able to tell. I have to start writing good poems and affecting people with my poetry, and affecting the universe. I have to think more practically. I cannot conceive of the universe much less affecting it. I cannot even conceive my own reality. I can't conceive a baby. I want someone to use my sperm to make a baby, then eighteen years later, my child comes to find me, and we meet and it's awkward and we don't get along well or want to see each other again. How blissful.

I can't imagine getting older, even though I have and am. We are going to see Safety Not Guaranteed. It should make us cry and be happy to be alive. That is all. We shall go see the fireworks by the river. How quaint a day, how preposterous.

I am dizzy. I am forced. How to care about things . . . Am a creator. I do not need anyone else. I must have some human contact. I must not admit defeat. everyday every day ev ery d ay

Words for Today

I was sleeping. I wanted to sleep more. I sent an email to the Erwin Center saying I was sick and not going to work. I thought of lying to mom and asking her to tell Buzz i was unwell and not going to work.
I dreamed of Andrea. She had a twin who was slightly younger and less attractive, but i was interested in her and i could see myself with her, maybe she'd be more accepting of me than andrea. I was alone on a sidewalk. A van pulled up. A woman like my poetry professor was driving. She was exuberant. Andy and some other girls were riding. I got in and we were going to some fair or festival. it was night. she was driving crazily. I held andrea's hand i held it with both hands. i put her nail on my teeth. I said I was sorry i got saliva on her finger. she seemed uninterested and irritated. I don't think either of us understood. I put my head on her belly it was soft. I guess i was going to sleep, I told her this was good, being on her, i don't know if she cared.

I just listened to While You were sleeping. So I don't think I should be at work. I think being mentally anguished by the fact of having to work is just as reasonable a reason for taking a day off as being physically sick is. I just watched five or so episodes of futurama. I am still kind of anguished about work and not working.

I am very anguished about andrea, and the past. and the future. Being a child. Being at home. Being lovely being loved. Loving... having a hard time of it. Being conflicted. being horny. being lonely. being distracted.

time does not matter, it is not real, it only matters what we do

I am at the beach. beach the I am at. That is that is that is that is that. What will I scary be afraid of..... What is that I am

I see a cup. I change the future. I dance like a mongoose. The killer of certain birds. The hungry pigeon. The waste coat in a darling park.

Sparkling. Earring earner. The concern for a worldly apparition. the black inner self.

The dear bear. Alive with all of life's suspicions and altruisms

supple parsnip bean attractive plop

sum  poinciana  timmy  rustle  refraction

son   does   eagle   feathery   ships



the end of the words for today             1+1=<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Near the time of life

hi Hey Ho< dickbitches, I listen to cover's of Buddy Holly songs. Suck a little more. Tim's love. Pat's love. Kit's Love. Hi. I had a job last nite. Friday night fights. I hate boxing, but I love boxers, like all people and things. I made fifty dollars, to pay toward keeping shelter and eating food.
I just watched les stroud beyond survival. He's a pretty nice guy, almost like a god.
I started getting excited near the end of the paupa new guinea episode, I kinda thot i was getting horny. Those emotions are mixed up. I had a physical reaction to the images and sounds. I really like "learning" about them, or vicariously experiencing their culture. I like how the show makes me think about what it is to be human. I now listen to Human Milk. They dug up the bones. It made me sad to see the human in that state of decomposure. Work was so easy. I wanted to skip it. But it would have to hard to try to talk to mom about that. Money is important. I care for money not at all. I think about padre almost everyday. So carefree and feeling good there. I thot about Andrea as I got to the apartment parking lot last night, because I reminded me of the time she drove me home on my birthday. I began to get regretful, nostalgic, sentimental,  missing her, her touch, kiss, company, face, mind, life. I went right to bed almost, and I shed a couple of tears that fell down the sides of my face as i looked at the ceiling. How lachrymose. From the Latin for Tear. EER. How Melodramatic. I sent my poetry Professor some poems to review for my reading at austin java. She made a few edits to one and I i shall complete some of those edits. I am excited.
There was a prerelease todayy, but I told them I don't want to go, them they brothers. The modern PTQ was good and not good. The magic playing was all nice and fair, but the being there was on and off not good.
Mom comes to austin today to see jan play tennis with us. Tim works until 3. It is Saturdaisy!

Our dog, I had draems, Patrick stabbed my hand by accident with a spear. I saw the hole and it was totally dry like so old a wound. There was a plastic bag with a package of Titanic in it, i stuck my head in and sang the titanic song like it was coming from the movie package, trying to amuse the family and people around. We were  near a road, in a sort of clear field. I have no idea. Another part was my bros and i going to a second apartment that was very messy and some girls sat around near the stairs and stuff, one girl looked at us she had interesting blonde hair. she sat in reclined position. After we went thru the door, i saw her again and our window had no pane, just a hole. the walls were light green. Pieces of food were on the floor, i picked up a piece of some dessert. I thought how we should clean it or pests. There was a TV and a Family Guy parody of the New Yorker was on.

I should be healthy. I am afraid that I won't have much to say to Aaron. I have to read to have something to say. I'll go buy that fitness book he recommended to me. Die! Not yet, home bre.

Dibbidy dibbidy.. do.

Byebye

hello diary

It's a Sunday morning at 10:45. I have been up for about 45 minutes.

I woke before 8, then went to Tim's bed to sleep more. My neck is a pain on the right.

I was looking for tim's letter from the bank and I looked everywhere and thought i had accidentally thrown it away but then i just moved the calendar on the coffee table and it was underneath it. I got onto his facebook account. I'm on his computer now. I looked at hundreds of dani schumacher pictures. it was not completely perverted. she is very beautiful.

Friday night patrick and I watched submarine. I enjoyed it just as much the 2nd time. Yesterday he put on ghostbusters. Mom bought a new car and took us to dinner. I drove kit to the airport about 24 hours ago. He is in Miami. He and Lorena will cruise around the gulf of mexico. Too often what my eyes see feels very disconnected from what I am. It is a holy day. The anniversary of jesus's resurrection. I miss the heck out of julie.. and andrea but that is a different and confusing situation. I want to know what she thinks of me. Physical appearances are too important. Tiim comes back from houston today. I imagine he had sex with whoever he went to see. Lately i have been at a sort of loss about what to do from second to second. I need a book by gertrude stein. I have to write a paper about her. she is very beautiful.

Oh, I am going to see ashley today. That is happy and exciting. We will sit and walk and eat together and see things and talk i presume. We will also hear things. Noises and objects and life.

Things make noises. People make noises. animals make the noises. Birds, crickets, locusts, cicadas, turtles, tarantulas. People hoot. Hollers shout.

I have to buy wine cheese and crack hairs.

I have pants but no wear them, I wear shorts, I wear T shirt. I am caveman I am man man.

I have long legs I have business today.

Today, I am going to be a friend first and enemy 2nd, I am my countryman. I am supportive of US legal rights. I believe the fight to be equal my Momma. Industry capitalism, True be your friend.

My life and the Anti-deponents. Succubus Martial law opponents.

Collateral for tea bleeding tax exemptions.

This makes no sense im sorry

Seee the story fight the power. Powers be. What to do now. There's a cat im frantic. I know you i know about your life i know about your causes. i make a difference to myself. you make a difference to myself.

hm, waht isle es there. be creative. what does poetry mean. when will the sky open to me. Noodles in my head. This has been 30 minutes of me. I forbear my energy. Predication. Go Bye.

Have a futuristic nonchalance, bee bop sha bop shalom my baby

Pissing and Pwning

I'm O.K. He was awake at midnight. Sunday or Saturday. Probably Monday at noon.

That means nothing. Dear Internet Journal,

It is 11:18 p.m. on Monday. The date is up there. I am invested in my ACC classes. It is what I've decided to do, so I must do it. I have nothing else to do. There is less than a month left for classes. I have about three papers to write. Short ones albeit. I will work backwards for a minute. I firmly believe that I want to read The Brothers Karamazov when I am finished here. I flushed two Kleenexes, which I had to use in place of toilet paper. I could have gone to the store, or even gone into Tim's bathroom. But there is Ashley and Domino. Patrick and I watched three episodes of Frasier this evening after working out. I drove us to Sonic and he bought us a root beer float. I had a cheese and green chile tamale and a turkey wrap with cheese and greens. I drank some cherry limeade that comes in powder packets. Before driving to math class I played Limbo. A song just came on Grooveshark called Brother, and I am about to cry now. My math professor brought a violin to class and played some to teach us about octaves. I think there was a point in class where I had to suppress my urge to cry. It was probably a quiet moment that felt like it had some poignancy to me. I dreamed that Ashley and I were cuddling on a sofa and I asked her out and she agreed and we both were saying something like "finally!". I ate a pizza slice for lunch and watched King of the Hill. I did Latin homework. I drove to class, and at the last minute I remembered it was cancelled because the professor's father is sick. Or ill was the word in the e-mail. I took a picture of my right eye and my peace lily's flower with my new phone. We watched the Ides of March on Saturday. I didn't like it as much I wanted to. I guess it was all right. It seemed like women are unfairly portrayed in it. She sleeps around, gets pregnant, gets emotional, gets a man to pay for her abortion, then seems to kill herself or mistakenly drinks alcohol with her meds. Then she's replaced and used as collateral for the main character to get ahead politically by blackmail. It's all good. Jan was there. She paid. Then we waited a while to get my phone. Nice young black man helped us. I'm listening to Galaxie 500 cover Velvet Underground. Goooooof. We pulled up flowers at Kit's then played Magic until I had to go meet Max and Julie at Zilker. It had been a long time since I'd seen him. Ashley went with me. Max and Julie each had a frisbee golf disc. We hugged them. We drove to the greenbelt. It was nightfall. We walked in the creek bed in the low light. We ate cheese, saltines, and honey roasted peanuts that were in Julie's brown backpack. We hugged again in the parking lot. I said to Ashley that Julie gets prettier all the time. Ashley said she wished she was as pretty as Julie. I said You're pretty in your own way... and that no one can be as pretty as Julie, which were both dumb things to say I guess. We always want to keep from making people feel bad, but they're going to feel bad anyway. I fuking hurt your fuking feelings. Hah, what a funny sentence, yes?

It's time to end this 30 minutes of typing. I'm listening to Natureboy. Yipppeeee! Say it manly.

OK byebye does toe eve sky...

Love, Greg

I just read two text messages from Aaron and Mom that were sent about 6 hours ago, but I just now turned on my phone at five till midnight or so. I wanted to type this, because I had a strong feeling that I am a huge disappointment. I misspelled disappointment on my first try. I really like the word 'misspelled'. Aaron's text was asking if he was ever going to get that letter. I have sent him two things, but I guess my mailing style isn't effective, and there was a problem sending my letters. I had the feeling that he felt I was ignoring him and I'm ashamed that I could have made him feel that. I'm also deeply torn about having a relationship with Ranisha. I imagined telling her I don't like her and telling her I don't like her smell. I feel practically horrible for getting her hopes hopelessly high. I kind of find myself settling for ignoring her as much as I can. There's a buttload of homework for theater class. I have a whole play to read for tomorrow. I regret that Ranisha might read this. It nearly makes me cry this moment. I'm sorry if you are reading or crying and very sorry for not communicating. I have become obsessed with Curses Fired. I am listening to it on loop. I'm glad I've got that mess inside me about Ranisha out. It eats at me. The main concern I have relates to the text Mom sent me. She asked how much I will need for October rent and bills. I felt sorry for taking her money at this late stage. I still do. I feel bad for being so lazy and selfish. I'm not sure where the problem arises from. Maybe it's just confusion. I let it all go bye.

After theater yesterday, I ate some red beans and rice. I took my math stuff into my room, but ended up just looking at porn and masturbating. Then, I almost started doing homework. I wrote the title of the section. Then, I just wrote whatever I wanted to, mostly random words and partial expressions of angst, but I posted it onto my other blog. Pat and I worked out then went to buy muscle milks. I asked him if he thought they worked. He said they probably made a little difference. I mostly just like the taste. I played Curses Fired again. This morning Pat and I went to Target. 'Target' is and extremely weird word. Ashley was off work. I was going to say she was 'home' today. We watched Roxanne, with Steve Martin. I actually went to my math class. It went OK. I found out I haven't missed my test like I thought. Ashley played Little Big Planet all day. I did Latin. We had half class. Tim made cheeseburgers. It was the day after his birthday. Sunday we ate Olive Garden. It went OK. Tim played Shadow o'da Colossus while Ashley and I watched. Yesterday I really missed Aaron and I do again some. We watched the last Home Movies episode. Pat made me a new standard deck and we tested it. Tim asked if we wanted to play MTG with Casey on Saturday, so we'll plan on that. I feel piss. ... I'm cry. I'm listening to more Natureboy. She is solemn in her sounds. I was reminded of In America. I like that film. MaxWELL DaMON. I realize I'm sort of gay. All of my sexual orientation is theoretical though. I'm pretty sexless. But I see some men I have sensual urges toward. They're never as strong as my urges toward women though. In general I find women much more attractive, but I almost just want to prove that being gay and loving and lusting for whoever you want is important. There is a small girl in my Latin class who excites me. She has short black hair. I just realized she is probably younger than me. She has mentioned her boyfriend several times in class.

I don't know what to do. I'm kinda worn out. It's almost 1 am now. My laptee battery is maybe low. I want to look at Andrea's photos now.

Baaaaaaaahh laaaaaaaahhh

Monday, September 19 and Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Sunday night I was not able to go to sleep before 2 am. I cannot remember when I finally did fall asleep. I wrote a lot of junk on paper. I'd like to go back and read that junk. I tried to make some Chrono Trigger MTG cards online. Then I masturbated in a frustrated way to put myself to sleep. I made oatmeal Monday morning. I probably stayed in bed until 10:30. I skipped a shower. I put some pants on. For some reason I wanted to play Mario Party and I did. I got 3rd place. I had almost decided to skip class. I had done some of the homework Sunday evening, but I stopped and watched Tim and Eric. I was not going to finish it. I thought I might turn it in to the mail room in the evening. I walked to Walgreens and bought 2 Tollhouse cookie ice cream sandwiches and a vanilla frappuccino. It was close to noon. I cannot remember what I did for an hour. Then tt was almost time to go to class, and I got kind of ready and left. I parked at Garrison park again. I sat in the car and listened to whatever, some Pitchfork song that I thought was the Pixies. I decided I would be happier to skip class and turned the car back on and drove away. I drove through some residential streets. A song that I believe is by Portishead came on, and it almost made me cry. I liked it. I drove to Mary Moore Seawright park and tried to do some math homework but the windiness was a bother. I walked about. There was a weird guy who seemed to be following me. He freaked me out. We were alone at the horse corral. I saw a dead raccoon under this wooden structure. I walked around the tennis courts and past the disc golfers. I went to this gathering hall of some sort. It reminded me of the Blair Witch Project and of the Village, without any horror aspects, and of this one documentary about some mental asylum that I do not remember so well. I read these plaques about the wildlife, flora, geology and history of the area. I walked in this creek bed right close. I thought about writing this short essay about myself, what I do, and what I think. I was going to title it "The Math Homework", but that doesn't really say much. I like the dates. [Pat makes noise at night. I wonder if he figures we can hear him. I suppose he supposes us to be asleep.] I was a tad scared of snakes. I walked out and back to the car. I went to the apartment. I made ramen noodles. I put on Larry Sander's Show and watched 2 episodes that I had missed. I tried to sleep some until Tim and Ashley got home. Before Tim got in, I started my Latin homework. I finished it just in time, taking a break to shower. I was a couple minutes late to class. It was a nice class. Back in the apartment, I found an Arby's sandwich and ate it. Patrick and I watched Larry Sander's and ate Tollhouses. Then we watched Dolores Claiborne. It was all right. Maybe we did not watch Larry Sander's last night. It's easy to switch days around. Last night.... I must've gone to sleep. I must have been awake at 11:00 am. I showered. I made coffee. I made scrambled eggs and toast. I watched Adventure Time. I enjoyed an episode that Aaron and I had enjoyed. I wrote Aaron a letter on the inside of an envelope. I left for Geology class. I was running late. I walked from Garrison and I was ten minutes late. I was right down the hall from the room. Climbing the stairs was daunting, exhausting. I turned away, walked back down, and left the building. I knew it was some kind of mistake. I justified losing the perfect attendance bonus points by thinking I would have missed some class between now and the end of the semester. I walked and walked. I thought I saw Mom's car driving on West Gate. At the very end of West Gate, the concrete and buildings made me start singing Custom Concern to myself. I walked to the 360 greenbelt entrance. I started on the trail then thought of thirsty hungry bobcats and left, went back the way I came. My boxers were way up in my crack, so I went in the outhouse-like toilet and pulled them down. I had to walk up that hill towards Toys Are Us. I was beat. I went into Pokejo's and had a sausage wrap with sweet tea. I walked down Manchaca. I knew I was getting sun burnt. As I had begun my walk, I had thought of getting the sunscreen but had decided I didn't care. Back in the car, I checked the time and saw it was nearly time for my theater class to start. I drove to the parking garage, listening to "Every Breath I Take". I stopped on the top level. It was an O.K., easy class. The professor is somewhat enjoyable. Back at the apartment, I was unsure of what to do. Pat and I began playing Magic. Pat reminded me of pizza rolls. I told Tim and he ordered them. Then we went to Target before getting them. Back again, we ate and drank cream soda and watched Lost. Pat and I played Magic some more. We went to the fitness center and pumped weights. Then we drank Muscle Milk and watched Larry Sander's. Oh, oh, yes, so typical. Now how here I am. I am here. I'm in my room and it's 1:26 am. I want to sleep. It's 1:27. I hope tomorrow goes well. Bye See ya later.

PS, I made a song like this: "5 alligators later, I spilled my best shirt on my mushroom, now how about that. 5 crocodiles earlier, I spilled my shirt on my best mushroom, now I'm sad about that, 5 alligators later....

grg

- with love

Hey fucshchcin Sexy, I am loving you.

Readdd a few more pages, the last pages of the fifth or sixth chapter of the Brothers Karamazov. The title of the chapter is Why Is Such a Man Alive?

I also readdd the 2nd Letter to a Young Poettt.

I am lissstening to Regina Wattts.

Song is acallled "Wha". It's fabulous and sensational. There was a description of Fyodor Pavlovich by his son Dmitri that goes: depraved sensualist and despicable comedian. I like that. I am doing this for myself, to know myself better, to practice expressing myself.

In my life, some things get harder and some get easier, then the easier things get harder again and vice versa...... Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

I am listening very hard. Use the Adverb. Say Hey Sexy! I am a love for you. Find me in your love herd. I am listener in you heady love brew.

May I be confuseed, I may hear myself tell myself that I do not want to understand because it is too difficult to make choices and deal with the mediocre or horrible or pleasant consequences.

I am listening to myself. And Ghostland Obsevatory. I wish I could silence myself better sometimes. There is nothing harder than trying to please someone who knows not how to please his or herself. Everything is wonderful. I believe in People and I believe in Beauty and Hope.

I could set myself on fire but that would hurt and solve nothing. When you can look into someone else's brain. I am going to go everywhere. I want to make it happen so badly. I am trying to keep my tears in my eyes. I am going to figure it out.

Ranisha is my girlfriend. It is a very good thing that has happened to me. I am happy to make her happy. It is a fulfilling thing. Life being very heavy. I want to be a great writer. I want to help people make themselves like themselves.

Get Out Here

Hi, Internet.
I am at home again alone. I am listening to The Books, The Way Out. I am enjoying! I am joyful.
Also I wanted to write because I wanted to send Julie a text asking her how everything was going, but the I thought of how she was in school and I also thought of Ranisha and the same for her, BUT the agitation arose when I thought of sending them the same message at the same time, then comparing my feelings for them. I've thought that I love Julie very much and also find her very attractive, and I like Ranisha a lot and like spending time with her, but I don't think I could be half as attracted to her. And then that makes me feel sorry for her, a little guilty just for feeling less love toward her, because a large part of it is their appearences, and I would rather not be superficial. It may be that Julie's personality is even more attractive to me because of how she looks. It is too bad to think that I wouldn't love her as much if I found her less attractive. I guess it is. Their manners of speaking are also parts of their appearences to me. From what they say and from their facebook profiles, I get a sense of their personalities. I shape them based on my experiences. It's just that I would rather lay next to Julie than Ranisha at this point.
Sometimes I am attracted to Aaron. and I think of touching him. I've even imagined him naked. Sometimes I have homosexual fantasies.
I am eating almonds, raw. Rawlmonds. SOmetimes their skin tastes bitter, but their meat is sweet.
Oh well, Way Out is over.
I made some poetry and pictures.
It is 1:10 PM Middle of May Two Thousand Eleven AD
When I was watching Thor in the theater, I thought it was 2010 and was a bit surprised to remember it is 2011.
It's so late, in the years. I am 21 years old, halfway through my 22nd year... on Earth. Yep, I live on Earth. Sometimes I think it is not much use to think of Earth as a planet in the universe. It is useful to think of earth as a place to grow. Grow vegetables, plants, which animals eat and get eaten by bigger animals then people eat some of those animals along with some plants, and some die and get eaten by smaller animals and by the earth so that it can grow more things.
And people's minds grow figuratively. They gain knowledge and make smart decisions ideally.
People are different than animals. I might think so. I think Aaron would say Yes for sure.
Books are still good and still going.
It's never done, never finished, nerver over. !Hah
It's actually only 1:11 now; I am looking at different clocks.

OPaY! I am done for now, Goglo, Be you later.