I just read two text messages from Aaron and Mom that were sent about 6 hours ago, but I just now turned on my phone at five till midnight or so. I wanted to type this, because I had a strong feeling that I am a huge disappointment. I misspelled disappointment on my first try. I really like the word 'misspelled'. Aaron's text was asking if he was ever going to get that letter. I have sent him two things, but I guess my mailing style isn't effective, and there was a problem sending my letters. I had the feeling that he felt I was ignoring him and I'm ashamed that I could have made him feel that. I'm also deeply torn about having a relationship with Ranisha. I imagined telling her I don't like her and telling her I don't like her smell. I feel practically horrible for getting her hopes hopelessly high. I kind of find myself settling for ignoring her as much as I can. There's a buttload of homework for theater class. I have a whole play to read for tomorrow. I regret that Ranisha might read this. It nearly makes me cry this moment. I'm sorry if you are reading or crying and very sorry for not communicating. I have become obsessed with Curses Fired. I am listening to it on loop. I'm glad I've got that mess inside me about Ranisha out. It eats at me. The main concern I have relates to the text Mom sent me. She asked how much I will need for October rent and bills. I felt sorry for taking her money at this late stage. I still do. I feel bad for being so lazy and selfish. I'm not sure where the problem arises from. Maybe it's just confusion. I let it all go bye.

After theater yesterday, I ate some red beans and rice. I took my math stuff into my room, but ended up just looking at porn and masturbating. Then, I almost started doing homework. I wrote the title of the section. Then, I just wrote whatever I wanted to, mostly random words and partial expressions of angst, but I posted it onto my other blog. Pat and I worked out then went to buy muscle milks. I asked him if he thought they worked. He said they probably made a little difference. I mostly just like the taste. I played Curses Fired again. This morning Pat and I went to Target. 'Target' is and extremely weird word. Ashley was off work. I was going to say she was 'home' today. We watched Roxanne, with Steve Martin. I actually went to my math class. It went OK. I found out I haven't missed my test like I thought. Ashley played Little Big Planet all day. I did Latin. We had half class. Tim made cheeseburgers. It was the day after his birthday. Sunday we ate Olive Garden. It went OK. Tim played Shadow o'da Colossus while Ashley and I watched. Yesterday I really missed Aaron and I do again some. We watched the last Home Movies episode. Pat made me a new standard deck and we tested it. Tim asked if we wanted to play MTG with Casey on Saturday, so we'll plan on that. I feel piss. ... I'm cry. I'm listening to more Natureboy. She is solemn in her sounds. I was reminded of In America. I like that film. MaxWELL DaMON. I realize I'm sort of gay. All of my sexual orientation is theoretical though. I'm pretty sexless. But I see some men I have sensual urges toward. They're never as strong as my urges toward women though. In general I find women much more attractive, but I almost just want to prove that being gay and loving and lusting for whoever you want is important. There is a small girl in my Latin class who excites me. She has short black hair. I just realized she is probably younger than me. She has mentioned her boyfriend several times in class.

I don't know what to do. I'm kinda worn out. It's almost 1 am now. My laptee battery is maybe low. I want to look at Andrea's photos now.

Baaaaaaaahh laaaaaaaahhh