they only take 3 days away to come to us again

Only takes 3 days and then I forgot it only takes 3 days and come can come to us again 3 days away and come to latex

3days away to come to us again wasn't 3 days a way to come to us way to come to us again

about last weekend turn bottle of hair diamonds and

funny machine is like a shrimp Eric father to the mortuary

you went with your wife watching movie screen

funny times can always make things what they mean

I will see you again soon again and

I will make you make you make me e-end

acccidental voice to text . . . i am confuse . . .

stop Niger Niger Niger Niger I'm going to f*** you and your a******* with my hard c*** and she's the meaning of the word leash I was at her bedside when she died where is GNC the same hello everyone area that I'm pacing around right now I do not drink how much alcohol clip clop song right now I mean things on my mind playing playing on YouTube on television right now Niger when I'm alone inherited dehumanization of other races of people set alarm 10 things that are forbidden double space baby Cinemax online hella cash I guess station show me something interesting catching my name is cranberry night sex betru how to poison a small high school all the girls in the large private school feeling like I know what you mean but I can't feel anything gravitated toward you some some of them self I know how to say maybe mark self aware stream possibly to a fault self-awareness Transatlantic accent chair she put a small bottle of Chardonnay into a old sneaker and shoe box small bottles of wine and later I am quite aware that intoxicated Antarctica I like big slave in. how to read more than a few pages today plenary more what my eyes afterwards reading them and Order understanding ideas and intentions and facts for 1 minute then stop and think for a second and keep raining for about from about 12 to 13 to about 30 non-stop to do good stuff I will read another hour I will read the rest of the chapter today before 18 I should not make this so complicated open my eyes at the wind reading them in order Urban Outfitter I'm a dragon help me do what I need to do but I know I need to do I know it is better to not drink too much to drink sign of time maybe too much and many cases it would be better if I stop thinking Austin Financial when I'm feeling better since I listen to Sunny oceans and seven do better starting this year at button to be about the same if you transfer from a bed after I got up at 6 Bellingham I drink coffee until I'm dead galavant. She was the first episode of Sopranos and Hotel Airport to give sunshine can I plan to make stir fry in any walk tonight is 1602 mermaid mermaid decorations tail change main cabin extra not working myself and stuff Hernandez San Antonio 1623 H cleaners turn on airplay Culligan ever singles every single one every single one okay for a minute and I've been looking for a few minutes itsfunneh

voice to text ... diary

 okay I what am I going to stay Ron radio nrio Island rum good night

my mother and I watch Borg vs McEnroe today is January 4th on January 21st organize my mother

and I are going to South Padre Island 3-day vacation I really hope I just I just go to the Erwin Center

and Usher hard ticket taker for 3 hours at the basketball game man UTD University of Texas at

Austin men's basketball sending their inside the building answer the Frank Erwin Center can I see

how are you a person can you sit down I'm going to be here and doing things for 3 hours I'm going to

feel like can I leave and go to the bathroom can I do whatever I want to do 5 or 10 minutes are you a

person can I see you can I use my legs and arms and hands and fingers and toes okay can I have a 20-

minute switches about the one minute and thirty something seconds okay the Golden Globes are

tomorrow amberjack watch the Golden Globes boats oh my God I want someone else I don't know

what to do I want Aaron Monday to help me figure out what to do with my everyday the time of my

life what do I do with every minute of every second of my days unconscious I'm awake being f*****
I raised thousands and thousands of words about people who have lived planet Earth and doing

things that make other people better people humans whatever they need to do to find out who they

and because they are good honest hard-working people everything is good because it is difficult to

Rainer Maria rilke Gabriel Andy Lee comedian Monday see the world explore the

universe going throughout time and history and exactitud and Perfection and knowing everything

and doing all that everyone and to be better every moment every second every millisecond free

single Consciousness waking moment of everything always always always morning weather right

now I just decided I'm not going to drink before after my Mom leaves for the birthday party and

before I go to work I'm going to work I'm going to go to work in less than an hour stop recording

about 2 minutes ago chopsticks chopsticks Bi-Mart kozilek from the album okay shred burn

something how's everything probably be okay fraternity if I can make a few better decisions for

myself and everyone a little more responsible a little better and I will do it I will do better I'll find a

way my name is Michael Scott everyone else perfect everything is okay enough for now right now

ambiance the drive to Austin I love you so much I'm going to fly away to Eternity I'll be back and I'll

bring a big bottle of fresh sparkling water that I'm going to find a way to bring you and your eyes are

so bright like the sun when the moon and I'm going to find a way even though we can't find anything

besides ourselves we're so beautiful and so lucky good night later I'll talk to you soon Greg branch

Bank I love you inow

Weird Book on amazon.com

The writer may have learned English later in life. Reminds me of Dr. Bronner's soap labels.

"

About this item

Description

Product description

“Don’t wish for a life that you can’t have. But wish for the very life that you do own. And wish that you know how to make the most of it!”

Are you feeling tired, anxious, worried, stressed, depressed or lonely?

Have you encountered a crippling accident, experienced a terminal illness, or lost the love of your life?

Do you have friends or relatives who are in much trouble, stress and negativity that you’d like to assist their ways, ignite their hearts, and pull them out of dark days?

“Crushing Suffering” will help inspire your day and excite your way. It will walk with you in darkness. It will befriend your heart, lead you out of sufferings, and let you know how courageous you can really be.

Everybody has to deal with life’s ups and downs, negative feelings and situations from time to time. No exception! Hate and anger, danger and worry, anxiety and distress, you can let them obsess your life and tear your soul apart. Or you can choose to fight hard and bounce back, and regain happiness from those dark days. 

The choice is yours!

“Crushing Suffering” will help you:

- Overcome pain and grief, fear and stress, worry, anxiety and depression.

- Deal with difficult problems and difficult people.

- Take charge of every feeling and action.

- Fill up your energy and vitality.

- Regain your strength and happiness.

- Fall in love with your heart and your life.

- Revive the joy and passion of it.

- Inspire and excite this day to the utmost with extreme survival stories and inspiring life quotes.

- Be your boldest self to challenge challenges, defeat difficulty and incinerate any ache that comes.

No matter how bad and how sad things have been to you, life will not be hopeless. No matter how much fear and stress, regret and worry, agony and mishap have afflicted your way, you’ll not walk alone.

No matter what happened, I wish you a happy and fulfilling day ahead.

A New Life Is On!

"

With   added   uses   i   will   never   need

Towel Tag

"

Made in

Spite of All of Those Who Tried to Stop Me

100% Catholic

"

I went to Marshall's to get a stocking for my sister.

Give me a hollar . . .

a really good deal . . .


Tifini looks at me

She sees me

in

if

it

. . .

I have been in Asia for some years

I Do Not Know What

It Means But It

Will Be Too Important


Darleen Fenster arrove 10 minutes late to the Forceheld's 6 p.m. Friday fiesta.

Her green lizard dress shimmers like a dead black slimy rat that bobs like a buoy in a pool of clear sterile water.

[ soft spoken - The Forceheld's names are Aidy and Josh - ]

This is "This Is My Town" by Mark Kozelek from the album Mark Kozelek.

Okay, that's enough. My name is Gregory Douglas Wredberg.

Something's gonna happen.

I am fine. I have enough. I have enough of everything.

I'll probably be okay for eternity if I can make a few better decisions for myself and everyone else.

If I can be a little more responsible.

If I can do a little better.

I will do better. I'll find a way. My name is Michael Scott.

And everything is gonna be okay, because everyone else is perfect.

I'll be perfect eventually, and everything is okay. Everything's good enough for now.

I don't know how to feel any better right now, but time is passing anyway.

I'm gonna be leaving in 45 minutes or so, so I'll be okay. I'll be okay to drive into Austin.

Okay... I love you too much. I love you so much.

I'm gonna fly away to eternity.

Differences between Non-Sense and Sense

[on paper]

1. Bake Forest toos Blame caught sewer tic.

2. I made bacon for us.

3. Sold a Courage, My Frame is JankOs, Be!

4. Wonder Woman made three billion U.S. dollars.

5. Shame Follow the Next ash blow.

6. Why are you still here?

7. Brazen tacos fed a bowl of Nick Sick.

8. Hey, I'm here... call me back.

9. Old Sky crane open begging Love zoom.

10. Okay, this has to "mean" something.

11. Bloke goes molecular bean Steak grain soon.

12. I have to make today the best it can be.............

13. Boo. Moons begin a Science-y Groove to bloof.

14. Jesus the Christ is a beautiful male.

15. Grown Ups Perfect blue Formen Oak Cast . . .

16. I have been watching Your Mom's House Podcast.

Words I have used too often to describe myself, probably making me worse

Lazy

Selfish


Confused

Ashamed


I don't care


It doesn't matter

Sooner Spooner


Spoon Soon


Cream   of   Sum-Yung-Ai



It ' s  a  Wayne's World , as Brames Jown famously Snang.


G I R L S   G I R L S   G I R L S      I R L ( in real life )

M o w i n g   through   the   G o t i o n s


The   Thought   P l i c k e n s


The Spooner End

Just out of Bed, Cold Energy

Please,

Put your penis on the platter.

Don't run away in a clatter.

With the doctor and the mad hatter.

Because I don't want to see your bones.

When I am digging with my dirt shovel.


I want you and i to live in the sky.

When we laugh out loud, like we own the dirt Devil.


The End

Two Young Americans with Weiners Converse ( A Song )

- Can you come to my birthday party?

- - Of course I cannot. I do not really like you.

- [ Beat ] I ... I thought we will be friends forever. Least till we die.

- - Oh, sincerely, I do not know how you can be serious.

I do not want to be a part of any part of you.

- Jee. Gosh. What a perfect surprise. I must change all my expectations. And our whole past has changed. I am so confused now.

- - Do you know this is all a kind joke? [ Beat ]

- How do you mean that? Kind? Wha

- - Kind, like not serious, a joke.

[ Thinking ] [ They look out , distance , search ]

- I am lost. I must go.

- - I know you are. I must go too. But we are not over.

We are not through.

- I do now know how you may mean.

This is not it. Not this ... I know we cannot.

I will enjoy the party. It will never be my birthday.

Thank you for teaching me this.

- - Good bye, dear reader. You have past.

- Bye. Enjoy the Never Whatever.

- - -  We  love  you . . . THE . . . END ! !

Mid to Late 2012 . . . .

Eat a Pizza Roll to Save Your Soul

Instead I eat a sliced Russet potato fried in bacon fat.

From Mid to Late 2012 . . .

Ello, everyone. It's a quiet Monday evening at 6:30.

Journal from Late September 2011 . . .

                                                          I just read two text messages from Aaron and Mom that were sent about 6 hours ago, but I just now turned on my phone at five till midnight or so. I wanted to type this, because I had a strong feeling that I am a huge disappointment. I misspelled disappointment on my first try. I really like the word 'misspelled'. Aaron's text was asking if he was ever going to get that letter. I have sent him two things, but I guess my mailing style isn't effective, and there was a problem sending my letters. I had the feeling that he felt I was ignoring him and I'm ashamed that I could have made him feel that. I'm also deeply torn about having a relationship with Ranisha. I imagined telling her I don't like her and telling her I don't like her smell. I feel practically horrible for getting her hopes hopelessly high. I kind of find myself settling for ignoring her as much as I can. There's a buttload of homework for theater class. I have a whole play to read for tomorrow. I regret that Ranisha might read this. It nearly makes me cry this moment. I'm sorry if you are reading or crying and very sorry for not communicating. I have become obsessed with Curses Fired. I am listening to it on loop. I'm glad I've got that mess inside me about Ranisha out. It eats at me. The main concern I have relates to the text Mom sent me. She asked how much I will need for October rent and bills. I felt sorry for taking her money at this late stage. I still do. I feel bad for being so lazy and selfish. I'm not sure where the problem arises from. Maybe it's just confusion. I let it all go bye.

After theater yesterday, I ate some red beans and rice. I took my math stuff into my room, but ended up just looking at porn and masturbating. Then, I almost started doing homework. I wrote the title of the section. Then, I just wrote whatever I wanted to, mostly random words and partial expressions of angst, but I posted it onto my other blog. Pat and I worked out then went to buy muscle milks. I asked him if he thought they worked. He said they probably made a little difference. I mostly just like the taste. I played Curses Fired again. This morning Pat and I went to Target. 'Target' is and extremely weird word. Ashley was off work. I was going to say she was 'home' today. We watched Roxanne, with Steve Martin. I actually went to my math class. It went OK. I found out I haven't missed my test like I thought. Ashley played Little Big Planet all day. I did Latin. We had half class. Tim made cheeseburgers. It was the day after his birthday. Sunday we ate Olive Garden. It went OK. Tim played Shadow o'da Colossus while Ashley and I watched. Yesterday I really missed Aaron and I do again some. We watched the last Home Movies episode. Pat made me a new standard deck and we tested it. Tim asked if we wanted to play MTG with Casey on Saturday, so we'll plan on that. I feel piss. ... I'm cry. I'm listening to more Natureboy. She is solemn in her sounds. I was reminded of In America. I like that film. MaxWELL DaMON. I realize I'm sort of gay. All of my sexual orientation is theoretical though. I'm pretty sexless. But I see some men I have sensual urges toward. They're never as strong as my urges toward women though. In general I find women much more attractive, but I almost just want to prove that being gay and loving and lusting for whoever you want is important. There is a small girl in my Latin class who excites me. She has short black hair. I just realized she is probably younger than me. She has mentioned her boyfriend several times in class.

                                   I don't know what to do. I'm kinda worn out. It's almost 1 am now. My laptee battery is maybe low. I want to look at Andrea's photos now.

X - Change

ide   exchange   my   Health   for    you

Please   be  good  to  You



Laver

Later

Lather

Luh  Ver


D . . .  She  Loves  Me


The

End.

what to do

ay ,

mi cuerpo . . .

cuerpo . . .

sentiementos . . .

sensaciones . . .


vicky christina barcelona has been on . i saw penelope cruz . staring at her . . i was .

heidecker . .  hi . .


keep thinkin ' about what to do . .

and don ' t   do


do do

Was ? Wasser . . . listening to Before the Water Gets Too High .

Si , mi amor . . not my lover . . just the love i have

for . . whatever . .


Okay . . that is what it is

. . .

bye now

[ Dawn Walk ]

Girls gotta eat.

Boys gotta girl.

i t ' s  a  mixed  up

muggled up Wizarding World.


Girls take Warfarin

to heal better Moods.

Boys take girls to the Park

to steal their Soul Bonds Magic: the Gathering TCG trading cards ...

. . . .

fuck i am Writing

Eff Reading

Takes Readings

Shoves Em into Port Holes on Music Mucus Peel Hopeships .

All is wheel

poring

as Vanuatu

Negotiators Hone Nine-Fold Cutless Clipper Stolen

Roamer Coldless Most Heir-ful Onsciences . . .


A Scum Courting Pizza Fortress

Will Lady opun the Later Time

Bye

Do You Know Me?

I was featured in Your Poem.

I got a big story for you.


I have 6.666 sick stiff

mixed bones in my thoracic

skeletal muscles, do you know?


C   R   E   A   M    B   R   U   S   H    T   O   A   S   T

V E R I T A B L E   C A R B O N I T E   T I M E T A B L E

POLYAMOURISTS  GERRYMANDERED  ASSASSINING

Gregory Wredberg, Time Line, as of 2011

Family

May 5 1945 - Dad is born somewhere in Massachusetts: William James Wredberg, youngest of 3, siblings Tootsie and Connie

~1951 - Dad's family moves to Dallas

June 24 1953 - Mom is born in Houston, Texas or nearby: Barbara Gail Milner, oldest of 3, siblings Jan and Doug

1968/69 - Mom is 15 and her mom, Willa Joyce, kills herself by running a car in a garage while her kids are at her sister's. She has to take care of her sibs Her dad and brother and sister? live in Belize for a while, and she lives in California for the summer of 1969. She studied in France for a few weeks and visited London and Italy.

~1970 - Dad and Adele Wallace get married and soon divorce.

~1971 - Mom marries Ken, and they soon divorce.

Mom and Dad work at B Dalton Book Seller in Houston. Dad's manager.

~1975 - Mom and Dad move from Houston, Texas to Austin, Texas, attend University of Texas (UT), and graduate.

October 8 1979 - My brother Christopher Milner Wredberg is born. At age 11 he switches from being called Chris to being called Kit and sticks with Kit.

November 8 1983 - My brother Patrick Alexander Wredberg is born. He is called Pat. A 13 or so when he is mad at Kit and our cousin Luke maybe about preventing him from playing in the backyard and punches through a glass door cutting his inner wrist and making a cool scar that looks like a crop circle.

September 27 1983 - My brother Timothy James Wredberg is born. As a baby, he chews Mom's hair then a blanket. He is called Tim.

December 18 1989 - I, Gregory Douglas Wredberg, am born. It was very cold. It was the afternoon. My Aunt Jan had waited then went back to Oklahoma before I was born.

1992 - Family moves to semi-rural/suburban Bastrop, Texas. Dad still works in Austin. Mom has been home for a long time.

1994~ - Mom and Dad get divorced. Dad moves into an apartment in Austin.

Dad remarries Adele.

~1996 - Mom marries Terry Harris. He moves in with us.

May 1998 - Kit graduates high school. In August, he begins to attend UT, and lives in a dorm then apartments. He graduates from UT 5 or so years later.

November 2001 - Dad dies of lung cancer at Adele's parents' house in Dallas.

May 2002 - Pat graduates high school. In August, he begins to attend UT, and lives in a dorm then apartments. He graduates from UT 6 or so years later.

November 2003 - Terry dies of lung cancer at our home, while my brothers and I spend a weekend at Pat's and Kit's apartment in Austin.

May 2006 - Tim graduates high school. In August, he begins to attend UT. He lives in a student apartment with Patrick. He quits school after about a year and starts working at the IRS.

~~Throughout my childhood, my brothers and I play a lot of video games and Magic: the Gathering card game with each other. Starting when I am about 11, we go to Magic: the Gathering tournaments several times a year.

Personal

Fall 2004 or Spring 2005 - I begin a friendship with Ashley Oney; we have a speech class together. We are both very shy and quiet.

February and Spring 2006 - Kim Boike and I date a few times; we are in German together. I like her a lot. I touch her chest over her clothes at night on the road in front of my house and laying on the floor of my brother's room while a movie plays on a TV. He walks in and sees me touching her. We quietly leave. I say to her, I think he saw me fingering your chest. I am sad that summer after she says we will not be a couple.

June 2006 - Tim gets me a job working at Tracy's Drive 'n Grocery part-time, after school.

Mom gets me a 1986 Volvo.

May 2007 - I perform didgeridoo and toaster at a high school talent show alongside my friend Alex Ramirez and the rest of the band, The Steezniles.

2006/2007 - I visit Ashley at her house several times, and we watch movies. We lose touch in our senior year, like I did with most friends. She dates John Moore, who I was someone I had spent time

May 2008 - I graduate from high school.

August 2008 - I begin to attend St. Edward's University. I live in a dorm. I fail all my classes.

November 2008, Thanksiving break - I am invited to a party at my old friend Max's house in the country. There are quite a few people from our high school class. I get there sort of late. I had been to the Renaissance Festival that day. After some people have left, some of us decide to paint each other in the garage. It's sort of a contest. I enjoy being on a team of two girls who I admire. Kelly is one. I see them in underwear. Kristie wear no bra, I see her boobs, and I think it's my first time seeing boobs. We take communal showers, with clothes on. They play games and watch WALL-E. I feel unwell. I try to poop, but I can't. I decide to go home. It's about 5 am. Max expresses concern. I say bye. I am very tired. I almost fall asleep and drive off the road a couple times. It hurts to stay alert. I get home and vomit in a toilet, relieved.

Spring 2009 - Several times I hang out and go out with Nikki Rader who I had met in high school German last year. She is two years younger than me. I took her home and we sit in my car in the parking lot in front of her apartment and make out for a little while. It's the first time I think I have really kissed someone. I am elated. Three times she gives me oral sex. I am obsessed with her. I want to have sex with her. I touch her genitals. I buy condoms. Soon we are not talking to each other. I try to contact her with no result. I was going to take her to an Animal Collective concert, but she wants to go to the Bastrop High School graduation ceremony, so I take her best friend and roommate Nick. He is gay.

I meet Aaron at St. Edward's. We hang out and talk a lot. I talk to him more than anyone else.

Fall 2010 - I take my last few classes at St. Edward's.

October 2010 - I start working about 20 hours a month at the Frank Erwin Events Center and the football stadium at UT.

February 2011 - I attend Texas Healing Arts Institute massage school for about a month and quit.

June 2011 - I drive my Mom's Jeep Liberty to Albuquerque to WWOOF. I leave after two or three days. I just want to go home.

[ i wrote the following today, December 31, 2019 :

my life is out of control

 internet and TV and games . . . i am whatever . . . fantasy and myself . . . chaos , Earth . . . Space . . . Time  ....  i am okay . . .  i just drank rum and wine . . .  okay.  lay ter ]

Free Write

Free Dome Ride

Old feelings die red and funk revived, Pilsner

. . . .  Semaphore Tonselectomy

Radical patron, smush

Jalepeno


I love you . I hate you .

I want to kiss you . I want to eat you . . .

I am listening to Sublime by Mark Kozelek

I just drank at least 3 shots of rum , Ron Rio

It is 11:00 a.m.

My has been talking to Jan and Kit

We plan to do Yoga in a minute. I set it all up

It is now 12:04

I got pretty drunk and emotional while doing Yoga

We talked about the beach and Yoga and Yoga on the Beach...
Yesterday I asked if she wants to go to the beach this winter. She booked an AirBnB.

Okay, later, love, you

I want to go to these places

for at least three weeks :

Cleveland

Canton

St. Louis

Chicago

Detroit

Windsor

Milwaukee

Madison

Minneapolis

Winnipeg

A Poem for You and the Stars of Your Eyes

Poem poem poem, can you see?

Some time , Your word , Hypnotize

the glow of the stars of the eyes of Krystal.

Blowing Minds , Booming Whisper . . .

Realize, actualize, crystalize, eternalize

the stars of Krystal's eyes . . .

Or some thing like that.

The Breath of My Innocent Goldfish

I Created an Alloyed Seam

A Screenplay


Songs and Audio

The most recent Sleep with Me podcast episode, at time of the final edit, plays at the beginning of the movie, and plays the whole episode throughout the movie, just quiet enough to hear, but not interfering with other audio. It pauses during silent parts.

"The Hill" by Marketa Irglova, the version from the scene in Once, plays through and part of it with just piano plays on a loop for a few minutes.

"My House" by Flo Rida plays three times in a row, it gets louder near the end of the second play, and at the start of the third play it fades out slowly evenly throughout the song, so that the very end of the song is silent.

"I Created an Alloyed Seam" by Gregory Wredberg. I have not recorded this yet, but I think it will just be me saying the title about 50 times with no music, less than two minutes. It will play at the opening credits and at the closing credits.

"Farewell Transmission" by Songs: Ohia plays near the end.

A song by Sun Kil Moon, maybe My Love for You is Undying or something like it.

A song by Cribshitter, probably Jellyshoes. And Sunshine.

A song by Grand Buffet, maybe Oh My God, You're Weird, or one of their most sincere songs.

A song by Blackalicious, maybe Vessel. And Release with Saul Williams, Dose One, and Zach De La Rocha.



Elements of the Movie

There should be ten straight minutes of silence somewhere in the middle.

There should be ten straight minutes of a black screen.

There should be another solid color screen, maybe white fade to pink fade to red, or reverse, or black to red to pink to white, for about a minute.


Screenplay

The opening credits are like in old movies with separate screens and everyone's name in the cast and crew, alphabetically, and a different still background from the movie on each.

Silent and black after the credits for one minute.

Cut to an oak tree trunk about three feet away at night with a telephone pole security light behind it above screen.

Cut to the ground about two feet away. Dirt, sticks, and a bit of grass.

Cut to me lying asleep in bed, from the perspective of someone about 6 feet tall standing about two feet from the side of the bed.

Outline, Autobiography of Gregory Wredberg

1989
 - i am conceived and Born on December 18th.

1992
 - my family moves to Bastrop, summer I think.

1994
 - Mom and Dad divorce, I do not remember.

Mom dates terry, I remember she gets angry at him once, she yells, Go home, after he accidentally drops a glass on the floor.

1996
 - Mom and Terry marry

 - Terry is fine, harmless, somewhat interesting

Dad remarries Adele

                    Generality 

 - i like Dad a lot sometimes, i don't like Adele most of the time.

 - Brothers and I see Dad every other weekend and holidays

 - I don't feel much except I like video games, other games, funny shows and movies

2000
 - Family trip with Terry and Steven to Disney World, I remember a few good moments, a few bad, and a few dull ones

2001
 - Trip to New York City on the weekend before September 11, 2001

 - November, Dad dies of lung cancer

 - School is a blackhole?

 - Awkward, Uncomfortable, Stupid Social Life

 - I try the trombone in 6th, 7th, and 8th grades.

- I sort of become self aware for the first time. having abstract thoughts, introspection

2003
 - November, Terry dies of lung cancer

 - lose touch with most of reality

2004
 - Mom's Dad, Pampa Sid, dies

 - Dad's sister, Tootsie, dies

 - I love music a lot, of Montreal, Mates of State, Neutral Milk Hotel, others

 - Don't care about school at all, want to sleep or watch movies

2005
 - Spring break, School trip to Germany with teacher and three older students, mostly waste that experience, make a few nice memories, wider perspective of Earth

2006
 - August, Tim goes to UT and gets an apartment with Patrick, so I only live with mom

 - Kim, Ashley, and I go to concerts, Ghostland Observatory, of Montreal

 - February, Date Kim for a few weeks, touch her chest above clothess, sad that we broke up

 - June, start working at Tracy's Drive-In Grocery, sucking up time and money, saving some, very boring, want to quit, make a few nice memories and acquaintances

 - Hang out with Ashley regularly

 - Hang out with Mom and at home a lot, I get annoyed and sick of her sometimes, and I love her a lot sometimes.

2007
 - Ashley dates John and we lose touch

 - I don't really have friends

 - Meet Nikki in German, I am the only German student above level 2. Our class goes to a German festival called Wurstfest and she and I bond

                         General High School:

Porn, Anxiety, Confusion, Self-Hatred, Overwhelming beauty makes me cry

Isolation, Youtube in the Den

Insane imagination, shrink at the world

2008
 - August, I move to St. Edward's University,

- December, i Fail all classes because I stop going

2009
 - Experiment with therapy and medication

 - Journal

 - February thru May, Meet Nikki again, hang out, she is the first person I kiss, we make out for hours, she gives me three blowjobs. Our last "date" is on Mother's Day and it's a weird roadside picnic. I feel that I love her more than anything but I feel more confused and unstable than ever

 - Spring, Meet Aaron, hang out, talk a lot, share and connect like never before, Midnight Rooftop Poetry Club

 - May, Move out of dorm, end weird relationship with living learning community, move into Kit's new house, kind of interesting times with brothers

- August, Move into Mom's house

- September, Start seeing Stacy Watkins. I'm infatuated with her. Go to her for 6 years.

 - Take reduced hours at St. Ed's. Feel lost. South American Lit, cool books

2010
 - Take cool Art class and Survey of Africa

 - Summer, Meet Julie and Max, hang out kind of regularly for 1 year, infatuated with Julie

 - Summer, Pet sitting a little I think

 - ACC Spanish

 - Go to north Padre, Malaquite park, with Aaron and Ashley, nice time

              General:

Directionless wandering

Poetry, sad beauty, filthy habits

Talks with Aaron - Tension, Laziness, Goodwill, Hope

 - August, last couple classes at St. Ed's, decide to quit, GPA does not qualify anyway

 - October, start to work at Erwin Center

 - Get accepted into massage school for $2,000 or so

 - December 31st, Move into my first apartment with Tim and Patrick.

 2011
 - Ashley dates Tim and lives with us most of the time, i feel alittledumbfounded, dumbstruck

 - Texas Healing Arts Institute, February to March

 - Working at Erwin Center, hating it. Applying to service industry jobs for 3 months?

 - Playing games with my brothers, discovering disc golf.

 - June 25th, WWOOF at Sunflower River Farm for 3 days, Albuquerque + Four Corners, Alone on a Road Trip, get anxious and go home...

 - Love the Books' music!

 - July, date Ranisha, confused about feelings, I touch her boobs in bathing suit in Mom's pool at night, we have some good times, I ignore her after a few months

 - August to December, Austin Community College, Latin 1 - excelled, Basic Algebra - failed group project, Theater - nice, weird, lazy, boring, Geology - cool, crazy, boring.

 - December 18th, 22nd birthday, making out with Andrea, desperate infatuation/attachment

 - Geek and Sundry, Coffee Time, Rhett and Link, other general lots of youtube

2012
 - January, ACC, Latin 2 - bored, disconnected. Poetry - experimental, weird, exposed. Anthropology, interested, intimidated.

 - Continuing to work at Erwin Center, desperate for change.

 - Summer, I do not know. Pet sitting!?

 - Ashley dumps Tim and moves in with gay Jay sometime this year maybe? I visit her a once in awhile. One time in the pool I ask her when we should get married and I am mostly serious, but she must have thought I was completely joking or at least hoped I was.

 - July, I walk home from the Erwin Center, taking hours, worrying Tim, who was going to pick me up. I don't work there again.

 - Probably nothing for a long time

 - No more school

 - November, working for two weeks taking practice tests for testing company Pearson

 - Started watching ASMR videos or just discovered it

 - Watch Apprentice Eh

2013
 - I am waiting.

 - March, I work for less than a week at a Pearson test scanning factory. I just leave on Thursday morning and send a email that I quit.

 - April, I work for three weeks, the first week mostly training, sorting mail at IRS.

 - May, I WWOOF near Smithville at Craig's, fixing his house and doing chores. Meet nice people

 - June, family trip to California for Mom's 60th birthday.

 - July, Mom starts working at Austin Public Library.

 - Weird time in South Padre in a duplex, Mom not there until the end. I finally finish Brothers Karamazov.

 - Summer, Aaron stays at the apartment on weekdays taking Greek at UT.

 - July, I work for three days doing construction for Aaron's Dad and get over paid.

 - I pet sit for Jan and the Mundine's a few times, a few weeks total.

 - Applying to jobs.

 - Even more nothing.

 - Mom pays my bills.

 - End of October, I start working at Sprouts in North West Austin.

 - December, start volunteering at Pleasant Hill Library.

 - I watch Twin Peaks and the Chris Gethard Show

2014

 - I just work at Sprouts 40 hours a week and sort of live, not saving any money.

 - Continue to volunteer at Pleasant Hill Library

 - May, Quit Sprouts, start working at the library.

 - July, Aaron went to Vancouver and met a pretty smart girl, Meghan, from Toronto. I see him less than once a month.

 - August, three days in Padre at Beachview with Mom, Pat, Bridget, one day with Tim, Chelsea,            Asher

- Tim and Chelsea made Sofie, my niece.

 - Now it is October... How.

I work at several Libraries, and South East Branch.

 - Interview for a permanent Library job 20 hours a week.

we have to leave the apartment and find another place to live I guess.


Living with Mom seems ideal.

Seeing the world seems favorable.


- November 2014, I live at 212 Turtle Creek Boulevard, 14 month lease.

- December, Start working at Cepeda Branch, Austin Public Library, 20 hours a week.


2015

- Fun Times, alone a lot, some hard times.

- Annar Verold invites me to Poetry/fiction reading at Grey Duck Gallery, i meet two people, it's all right.

Of course, lots of stuff happen.

I listen to Doug Loves Movies and Harmontown.

I walk around the Hood a lot.

I watch lot of stuff.

I listen to Music and write Journals a lot.

I post a bunch of stuff to my Face Book.

November, Week of Thanksgiving, Go to Paris with Mom, it's nice {:


2016

- February, move into Mom's house.

- July, Go to Canada, Toronto, Peterborough, Meet Melanie, Go to her house near Keene, it's nice and pretty

I do some work. It's all right. Aaron goes to Buffalo to be near Meghan.

Aaron calls me. Meghan does not want him to live near her. He and I decide to live together in Austin.

I leave Melanie's place early, after 3 days in Canada, I Regret Fully.

I hang out at Mom's house.

- September, Aaron and I get a One Bedroom apartment at Cherry Creek apartments, right behind my mom's workplace, Manchaca Library.

He only stays about a week.

I interview at World Market, get job offer and decline.

I work for One Day at an Amazon Warehouse ( it's all right ) , and quit because I have no car anymore.

- November, We break the lease. I move in with Mom again.

Everything is Whatever.

-December, Aaron starts dating Andee.

2017

- January, I take Algebra and Statistics at Austin Community college.

I meet Andee. She is lovely of course.

I kill time and skip class.

I do no know what I am doing.

I do favors and help Andee and Malakai, her son.

I go to Roy G Guerrero park, walk, listen to podcasts, drive around Austin.

I drop my 2 classes. Lie to Everyone.

- April, I go to Sherwood Forest Faire and meet Andee's brother and parents.

It is good times.

- June, I take Yoga and Physics.

I skip Physics and drop it eventually.

I skip Yoga and almost lose the credit, but go again.

I feel Lost in Eternity and Good Fortune and Love, and Worry.

- June, Aaron and Andee find my Blog and read Crappy stuff I did.

I am really ashamed and sorry and sad.

- August, Mom and I go to Aaron's  and Andee's wedding.

I take yoga 2, First Aid, Health Online, US History. I like them a little. i skip Class and Lie to Mom.

Mom and I watch a lot of stuff.

December, I decide to just look for a job.

2018

I read some good stuff that Aaron recommends, very slowly.

A Stroll with William James. First half of I'm Your Man, Cohen bio.

May, Interview for job at Oak Hill, Austin Public Library. Don't get the job. That's okay.

July, Malakai's brithday party, at Aaron's house, goes well.

August, Mom retires. I apply to a few Jobs, that's all for now. I drink too much alcohol.

I want to eat better and exercise and lose my fat gut.

November, work at an Amazon warehouse for 3 days. Then I skip 3 days, hang out in Austin, lie to Mom, tell her I got fired.

December, work at Erwin Center about once a week.

Aaron still really tries to help me. I get to hang out with him and Andee about once a month. That is kind of stressful but really good.

I kill time most of the time. I drink too much alcohol.

I still don't know why I don't force myself to read. Reading needs to be a part of me. It is difficult because it is good.

This Christmas is nicer than most. But I spend more time with my family than I want to.

I want to be on my own for a long time. I want to figure my life out by myself... Yeah...


2021

- Romance, Sexuality, Partnerships -

Fantasies last forever.

I'm mostly strait. A little bisexual.

I've only put my penis in and come in Nikkin's mouth twice. That's all I've done.

Maybe Saylor dry humped me a bit as we made out on my 22nd birthday, December 18th, 2011, almost 10 years ago. I've mostly been too afraid to try anything since. 

In 2016 I asked 3 girls out. I only hung out and walked with Clarisa. It was fine. Nothing.

I don't really care. 

Let's go do anything. 

Later sk8er 

Bye bye skier.

Gregory Wredberg, Time Line, as of 2011

Family

May 5 1945 - Dad is born somewhere in Massachusetts: William James Wredberg, youngest of 3, siblings Tootsie and Connie

~1951 - Dad's family moves to Dallas

June 24 1953 - Mom is born in Houston, Texas or nearby: Barbara Gail Milner, oldest of 3, siblings Jan and Doug

1968/69 - Mom is 15 and her mom, Willa Joyce, kills herself by running a car in a garage while her kids are at her sister's. She has to take care of her sibs Her dad and brother and sister? live in Belize for a while, and she lives in California for the summer of 1969. She studied in France for a few weeks and visited London and Italy.

~1970 - Dad and Adele Wallace get married and soon divorce.

~1971 - Mom marries Ken, and they soon divorce.

Mom and Dad work at B Dalton Book Seller in Houston. Dad's manager.

~1975 - Mom and Dad move from Houston, Texas to Austin, Texas, attend University of Texas (UT), and graduate.

October 8 1979 - My brother Christopher Milner Wredberg is born. At age 11 he switches from being called Chris to being called Kit and sticks with Kit.

November 8 1983 - My brother Patrick Alexander Wredberg is born. He is called Pat. A 13 or so when he is mad at Kit and our cousin Luke maybe about preventing him from playing in the backyard and punches through a glass door cutting his inner wrist and making a cool scar that looks like a crop circle.

September 27 1983 - My brother Timothy James Wredberg is born. As a baby, he chews Mom's hair then a blanket. He is called Tim.

December 18 1989 - I, Gregory Douglas Wredberg, am born. It was very cold. It was the afternoon. My Aunt Jan had waited then went back to Oklahoma before I was born.

1992 - Family moves to semi-rural/suburban Bastrop, Texas. Dad still works in Austin. Mom has been home for a long time.

1994~ - Mom and Dad get divorced. Dad moves into an apartment in Austin.

Dad remarries Adele.

~1996 - Mom marries Terry Harris. He moves in with us.

May 1998 - Kit graduates high school. In August, he begins to attend UT, and lives in a dorm then apartments. He graduates from UT 5 or so years later.

November 2001 - Dad dies of lung cancer at Adele's parents' house in Dallas.

May 2002 - Pat graduates high school. In August, he begins to attend UT, and lives in a dorm then apartments. He graduates from UT 6 or so years later.

November 2003 - Terry dies of lung cancer at our home, while my brothers and I spend a weekend at Pat's and Kit's apartment in Austin.

May 2006 - Tim graduates high school. In August, he begins to attend UT. He lives in a student apartment with Patrick. He quits school after about a year and starts working at the IRS.

~~Throughout my childhood, my brothers and I play a lot of video games and Magic: the Gathering card game with each other. Starting when I am about 11, we go to Magic: the Gathering tournaments several times a year.

Personal

Fall 2004 or Spring 2005 - I begin a friendship with Ashley Oney; we have a speech class together. We are both very shy and quiet.

February and Spring 2006 - Kim Boike and I date a few times; we are in German together. I like her a lot. I touch her chest over her clothes at night on the road in front of my house and laying on the floor of my brother's room while a movie plays on a TV. He walks in and sees me touching her. We quietly leave. I say to her, I think he saw me fingering your chest. I am sad that summer after she says we will not be a couple.

June 2006 - Tim gets me a job working at Tracy's Drive 'n Grocery part-time, after school.

Mom gets me a 1986 Volvo.

May 2007 - I perform didgeridoo and toaster at a high school talent show alongside my friend Alex Ramirez and the rest of the band, The Steezniles.

2006/2007 - I visit Ashley at her house several times, and we watch movies. We lose touch in our senior year, like I did with most friends. She dates John Moore, who I was someone I had spent time

May 2008 - I graduate from high school.

August 2008 - I begin to attend St. Edward's University. I live in a dorm. I fail all my classes.

November 2008, Thanksiving break - I am invited to a party at my old friend Max's house in the country. There are quite a few people from our high school class. I get there sort of late. I had been to the Renaissance Festival that day. After some people have left, some of us decide to paint each other in the garage. It's sort of a contest. I enjoy being on a team of two girls who I admire. Kelly is one. I see them in underwear. Kristie wear no bra, I see her boobs, and I think it's my first time seeing boobs. We take communal showers, with clothes on. They play games and watch WALL-E. I feel unwell. I try to poop, but I can't. I decide to go home. It's about 5 am. Max expresses concern. I say bye. I am very tired. I almost fall asleep and drive off the road a couple times. It hurts to stay alert. I get home and vomit in a toilet, relieved.

Spring 2009 - Several times I hang out and go out with Nikki Rader who I had met in high school German last year. She is two years younger than me. I took her home and we sit in my car in the parking lot in front of her apartment and make out for a little while. It's the first time I think I have really kissed someone. I am elated. Three times she gives me oral sex. I am obsessed with her. I want to have sex with her. I touch her genitals. I buy condoms. Soon we are not talking to each other. I try to contact her with no result. I was going to take her to an Animal Collective concert, but she wants to go to the Bastrop High School graduation ceremony, so I take her best friend and roommate Nick. He is gay.

I meet Aaron at St. Edward's. We hang out and talk a lot. I talk to him more than anyone else.

Fall 2010 - I take my last few classes at St. Edward's.

October 2010 - I start working about 20 hours a month at the Frank Erwin Events Center and the football stadium at UT.

February 2011 - I attend Texas Healing Arts Institute massage school for about a month and quit.

June 2011 - I drive my Mom's Jeep Liberty to Albuquerque to WWOOF. I leave after two or three days. I just want to go home.

[ i wrote the following today, December 31, 2019 :

my life is out of control

 internet and TV and games . . . i am whatever . . . fantasy and myself . . . chaos , Earth . . . Space . . . Time  ....  i am okay . . .  i just drank rum and wine . . .  okay.  lay ter ]

Spoon Monthers

Decuary

Junuary

Aprich

Marl

Ay

Febre

Noly (No lie.)

Sepust

Augtember

Moctober

Juvember

Janember

The Answers, the Party, the People, the Planes

A fun game for 2 or more players

Story:

It's 7:05 p.m, summer solstice, 29 years ago. Y'all's party just appeared on this plane. Your prime directive is to be necessary the party, the people, and the planes, and the only way to be that is to have Answer. Once they all are found. They can be found on the mapped area of this plane, because you appeared here, and you cannot leave until they are found.


Object:

Players compete or cooperate to find Answers. The player / team with the most correct Answers wins. Or if players each have an answer, all win.


Set Up:

Shuffle the Answer cards. Take out 2 Answer cards per player. These are the Answer deck. The rest of the Answer cards are not used.

Each player rolls three twenty-sided dice (d20), then chooses one result to be starting Health and another result to be starting Intuition. The 3rd di is ignored.


Gameplay:



The players take turns clockwise. The player with the highest Intuition goes first.

When all Answers are found (the last Answer card of the deck is drawn, the gameplay is over. Players then review and compare each other's Answers. False Answers do not count toward a player's Answer score.


A player gets 3 actions per turn. For each action a player may do one of the following:
 - Move to another location.
 - Use an item.
 - Draw a Search card.
 - Put Answers together.
 - Call for a party meeting.

Intuition checks are made by rolling a d20 and adding the result to one's intuition level. If the total is equal to or greater than the number of the Intuition check, then it is passed.


Locations:

The Old Barn


Actions

Sleep in the hay loft - Gain 10 Health. This can be the only action you take this turn.



Items

The One-Armed Female Mannequin  -  To commune with the lonely mannequin. Roll a d20. If your Intuition is equal to or more than your roll, You find an Answer and gain 3 Intuition. Otherwise, you just feel creepy.

The Rusted Lawnmower  -

The Bags of Soil  -  Rip them open and dig in. Roll a d20. On a 10 or more, you see something shiny, smooth and round, grab it, and polish the dirt off of it: You find an Answer! On a 9 or less, get bit by bugs and lose 3 Health.



The Green Wires


Actions

Hang Out - If there is at least one other player on this location,

Sunbathe - Gain 3 Health. Take this action only once per turn.

Parkour! - Roll a d20. On a 10 or more, do awesome moves, get exercise, and gain 5 Health and 1 Intuition. On a 9 or less, fall and lose 3 health.


Items

The Faulty Walkie Talkie  -  Roll a d20. If your Intuition is equal to or more than your roll, hear a valuable message and find Half an Answer. Choose a location where there are no players. You are transported to that location.

Anna

I just met Anna. We shook hands. I wish I remembered what that felt like.

She was working at Spec's. She was moving bottles of wine.

She approached me. I don't remember if she said anything.

I asked where the local wine is. She asked if I meant Texas. I said, as local as possible.

She showed me the wines and talked about her favorite, by McPherson, from Lubbock.

She said, dry, not as fruity. I said, I like that. And I do. I also like some fruity and sweet wine.

I looked at her eyes and she looked at mine.

I like her face. Her skin is light brown.

We smiled. I said, thank you.

She went to the other end of the aisle and moved more wine.


I looked at the wine for a while, maybe five minutes.

I thought about asking her for more information. I didn't want to make her repeat herself. I did not catch which specific wines she told me about.

I thought it would be nice to choose one that she recommended, but I wanted to make sure Aaron would likely enjoy it, so I got a Malbec by Becker, from the Hill Country.

I also got Kahlua.

I went and sat in the car.

I had a strong urge, a strurnge.

I had seen her before at Spec's. Just twice I think. The first time I was with my mom. I don't think I talked to her then, but Mom did. But I liked her, as I told Mom right after we left the store, and I wanted to get to know her. The second time I was alone. I might have gone there only to talk to her. I don't remember buying anything. I think we talked briefly about alcohol. I wanted to ask her out or ask when she gets off. I went back later that night looking for her, but I didn't see her. I didn't know her name. I didn't want to talk to anyone else or give anyone an idea of what I was doing, or what I was wanting to do.


So, because of advice from Aaron, and because I was going to see him in a few hours, and because I am a thinking person, I felt the overwhelming need to approach her and ask her if she wanted to get a drink or coffee. I wrote my name,"Gregory W.", and my cell phone number in blue ink on a white Sonic napkin.

I went inside, focused on getting to her and asking her out. I noticed her looking up at me.

I stood in front of her. Some wine was on the floor between us.

She stood and looked at me.

I said I was wondering if she wanted to get a drink sometime, or coffee.

My voice was weak. My body was weak. I felt myself blush.

She smiled and said yes.

I think I saw her blushing.

She put her hand out and said her name.

I think I said my name was Greg. I shook her hand for a second, but I don't really remember doing that.

I said, here's my number, and I handed her the napkin.

I said, I hope to hear from you soon, or something like that.

Then I left.

I felt unreal.

I was trying to think clearly, but I was still so nervous and my mind wandered and worried about how we would proceed and what I should say. I wondered all about her, and what the best things to do  as people. I still do.

I typed this to get a better perspective and to think more clearly.

Remembering this made me nervous again.

I want to talk with her and be authentic and attentive and comfortable and curious. I want to love her unconditionally. I want her to love me unconditionally.

I hope we get along well and have a life-long relationship. I hope we want to be together and we spend just the right amount of time together.



I think she was excited that I asked her out.

I think there is more than a 50% that she will contact me today.





I wrote all of the above yesterday.

She did not contact me yesterday.

I hope she will in the next week though.

I have been thinking about her a lot.

I wrote a prose poem or short personal essay about her and myself.

f e d

d
e
f


k
i
l

l
o
;


;
o
l

l
i
k

f
e
d


( =

Simpleness

I feel responsible for other people's well being.

If I am undistracted, I feel guilty and that I cannot (and do not deserve to) enjoy anything if I am not helping someone else enjoy something.

I want to volunteer with a charity thing about teaching and basic needs and beauty and initiative.

I want to create art, like words and music and visuals, but I worry and feel bad that it will not do any good and it is not worth the time and resources spent to sustain me through the creating. I worry that my instinctual creating is wrong, and maybe I really need to be helping to produce healthy food for as many people in need as possible or helping to provide clean water or shelter or education...

So I want to volunteer and feel like I am making a good difference to people and doing it creatively and artfully.

Aaron is focused on laying a foundation of understanding that will lead humanity to significant improvement maybe 7,000 years down the road.
I think he is interested in humanity surviving as long as possible in the best conditions possible.

I am listening to Gregory Alan Isakoz. I like that his name is Gregory is Gregory like mine.

I like the softness and simpleness of the words and sounds too.

Spiegal im Spiegal

I was going to work at noon. I was listening to KMFA and Spiegal im Spiegal was playing. I recognized it, but I didn't know what it was. I was at the stoplight at I35 on Stassney facing east. I closed my eyes to listen for a second or two. I felt that I saw ghosts of images of the scene around me imprinted on my dark vision, especially a white SUV at the stoplight a little in front of me. It seemed the image was moving toward me then away from me. I opened my eyes and thought of this feeling. As I drove on the 35 feeder, I imagined moving forward on a fantasy landscape, accelerating past things, plants, signs, buildings, whatever. The ground is yellow and flat, like a Simpsons' desert. There is a castle (Cinderella) or a city (Emerald) (or Taj Mahal or Eiffel Tower or everything) on the horizon. Even though I am speeding forward, the horizon gets further away slowly, and the castle or city gets smaller more and more slowly, but never disappears, because it's an asymptote, and you move forward so fast you can't recognize what you're rushing past, and soon you're just comforted by speed and infinity.   ...

I wanted to see animation of this idea. I thought of getting online and searching for something like it or putting the idea on a message board so that an artist could find it and do it. I wondered if people do that, and if someone did my idea, would they let me know so I could see it. Set to Spiegal im Spiegal of course.

The opposing unpleasant virtue, love and hate and kill and love, love hate kill love.

Famous Females

Gillian Jacobs

Michelle Williams (Actress)

and in no particular order,


Rebecca Hall

Scarlet Johannson

Raya Mudolf

Alicia Vikander

Mia Wasikovska

St. Vincent

Saoirse Ronin

Anne Hathaway

Eva Green

Emily Blunt

Alison Brie

Tina Fey

Amy Poehler

Sarah Silverman

Rooney Mara

Kate Mara

Tilda Swinton

Carey Mulligan

Regina Spector

Penelope Cruz

Salma Hayek

Rose Byrne

Jessica Chastain

Emma Stone

Emily Mortimer

Brie Larson

Mary Elizabeth Winstead

Kelly MacDonald

Julianne Moore

Evangeline Lily

Margot Robie

Emma Watson

Grimes

Lorde

Emily Watson

Hope Davis

Courtney Barnett

Abigail Spencer

Adelaide Clemmons

Carrie Coon

Katherine Waterson

Kate Tempest

Felicity Jones

Natalie Portman

Janelle Monae

Zoe Kravitz

Thandie Newton

Emelia Clarke

Judy Greer

Sarah Barthel

Erin Timony

Gibi

Rachel Weisz

Elizabeth Moss

Kat Edmonson

Thomasin McKenzie

Vicky Krieps

Lily Gladstone

This was Cheryl's last night at Pleasant Hill. She sounded a little choked up talking to me just before walking out. I will still work with her on some Saturdays.

I greatly respect her and enjoy her company.

What did I want to type about? I am tired now. I am listening to an ENT exam on youtube. It is very relaxing. British accent. I was listening to Life Without Buildings...

I ate some ground beef with salt and pepper and an apple. I think I'll eat the same thing tomorrow morning. I am also eating some lettuce...

"I am ashamed of my brother for letting the lettuce spoil.
I wish he were a better role model."

Just go to sleep, me... ok

Just just just just

I got up about fifteen minutes ago. I have been in weird moods even for me. I love that the air is getting colder. But I feel like I am in high school again. I feel desperately confused, overwhelmed and out of my own control. I see Stacy tomorrow. Also Kit and I plan to bike. I wanted to text Mom about the weather and wish her a good day. I think I will still do that. I would have but my phone froze.

My hands are masks and twigs. I cannot erase or picture anything. My hands are shaking but I am not cold. They're a little sweaty. My knee sucks, probably because I suck. Can I save the bacteria? I would rather be E coli. I wonder if all my brothers will be here Saturday night. I thought of playing Pandemic, but we may just have time for Small World.

I want to listen to Today More Than Any Other Day right now.

I have been feeling weird because I keep thinking back on all the time I have spent in this apartment and how it will end soon and then I do not know what I should do or what I really want to do.

I feel so young and also that I may be halfway dead.

What do we do!??

All I can think is that Youtube will make me happy. Or at least distract me/lift my mood for a bit...

Grocery shopping is such a huge problem.

Just Canada........ Just Ought....... I am about to cry.

Patrick walked in a few minutes ago in his underwear holding a towel. He is in the shower now.

I do feel like I am in an endless loop. It has to be this time of year. I saw a person sitting in a car in front of the apartment. I imagined they were dead. I wished that someone would die, like my Mom or one of my brothers. Then I imagined Cheryl dying.

I just want so much to change. I want to be shocked into living a life that means something.

Somehow positive.

Composition.

Just... I have next to zero understanding of anything that people do.

and I am a person...

~

I wish I were as excited about eating well and getting my own food as I am about SmallWorld and other games and shows and music and fantasies.

We're moving on. "Bring It Back" Routine Poutine.

Death Teed

I um

Um

Dreamer is beautiful

Dream Beauty

I was everywhere. I saw, heard, and felt everyone and everything.

There was time. We are using time, just like our bodies. Use everything you can.

Glockabelle is fun [:

I set up a two pplayer game of SmallWorld to see if Pat wants to play when he gets home. I think he will be amused and accepting. Tim and I plan to play again with and maybe Kit or Casey on Sunday. Four player would be fun.

I've been watching porn again and jacking off. I stopped both for about two weeks. I was happier then.

I feel dumb and empty. I want to eat something good. There is not really much bad food that tastes good. Pizza rolls don't taste good.

I watched a ton of youtube.

Pat should be here in about an hour.

I am doing almost nothing because Kit cancelled our bike ride to study or sleep or work.

I should ride my bike.

The guy I played last round at Khans, when I said I want to... before playing something, said Ride your bicycle?


I just played "Nature and the Wreck: because it is calm and beautiful.


Bye for NOW~!

Human People

There was a beautiful person at Pleasant Hill yesterday. She worked on a laptop by the windows. She got up a few times to look at books and go to the restroom. I shelved some books near her. I wanted to stare at her, but I only glanced a few times. She had longish orange hair tied in the back, shaved on the side. She wore a white tank top. She had a what seemed to be a perfect body, about 5'6" I think. I didn't get a good look, but her face seemed squarish, gentle, and strong. Her skin was pinkish peach. She seemed European or futuristic.

I felt gross compared to her. I felt creepy when shelving near her. Even without hearing my thoughts, she would think I am creepy. It was somewhat painful to see her or think about her. I wanted to get over her, but that was impossible. I didn't want to think anything about her that did not match her apparent beauty and grace. There was an old guy walking around near her. I hoped he wasn't thinking anything nasty about her. In my head I commanded him not to.

I briefly imagined talking to her, but I felt there was really no way I could. I didn't want to know anything about her for fear that she has glaring personality flaws, interior ugliness. Wanting a perfect woman is quite selfish and sexist of me. I even thought about being intimate with her, just snuggling and petting and kissing, and both of us being silent so as not to ruin anything. In that way I wanted her to be like a pet dog, for us to love each other unconditionally. Even dogs have conditions, basic as they are. I went into the restroom. I looked in the mirror. I thought that I had to kill her. I wondered why I would think that (other than it being something overly dramatic and pseudo-interesting that I have heard from TV and movies.) Part of it is so that no one else can have her, since I can't. The biggest part is just that it pains me to know she exists and that I can't "have her" like a pet. Sex pet. Really I just want her to be happy. It is way too bad that I barely thought of her as a human. It is good that I am realising this though. It's not like I could ever ever be outwardly violent or disrespectful. Of course it takes a lot of work to be respectful, to care about the well being of others as much as mine. But I want to be a better person, just for my own sake. I want to make it easier to live with myself.

Anyway, I hope she is doing well. She looks very beautiful. Everyone should know that.

Hello, I'm Back

I am alive. They are black-skinned or brownish-skinned. The music makes me smile [:

Dilated Peoples - Expansion Team...

Pat is not here. I got home an hour ago.

I am Tim's computer...

Haha, I meant I am on Tim's computer. My laptop died.

It is Wednesday. This year is dying. Years go fast and days go so slow. Most days actually go quickly.

And the months fly by.

It's been almost 5 months since I began working at the library.

I know I would feel much better if I read more. I feel awful about abandoning Aaron kefir.

[: "Worst Comes to Worst" is playing. It's beautiful. I guess Kit had downloaded it. I wonder how he found it.

Straight up 12 years ago.

It's horror and amazing asses and flaming dikes. Blood shed, tool barn, asteroid camp.

I texted Aaron. I was listening to Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls, but I can't listen and type at the same time.

I thought I would read or write this morning, but I just watched youtube... and listened to Lonesome Crowded West. Julio and Dave and some lady came into to inspect the apartment.

I am listening to Trout Mask Replica again. "Pena" is crazy. I feel like I am smelling beer.

I guess I will apply to a 20 library job tomorrow.

Oh, that damn kefir. I don't want to work at all... I eat crap.

I really don't like listening to most of Trout Mask Replica.

I was cleaning out the yogurt jar after pouring the kefir down the drain. I just texted with Mom and talked to Kit. I feel trapped in a hole. Bike ride, birthday, renaissance fair.

I thought of watching Louie and when I thought of what I was doing I said This isn't much fun.

I turned on the TV and Now I am going.

Dream

I am at a college. I go to class. It's middle eastern studies, I think. I am late. I walk into a room full of people sitting at a long u-shaped table. An old man stands in the middle. He was talking, now everyone is quiet and looks at me. I feel that I am in the wrong room, or maybe I am just embarrassed. I leave right away. I hang out in the hallway with some people and chairs.

I sit with Doug Benson at a merch table outside of a theater after his show. No one else is there. We slump and talk lazily. I think that maybe he's not funny because he is lazy and consider telling him this. He shows me some objects. A plastic horse pulling something. Then, a man riding a small orange horse that is trying to ride a larger red horse. We both say that it makes us horny in a general way.

Chill Peep

Life Without Buildings... Sorrow

I thought they were Australian, because of the live album recorded there.

There was a lot of lightning here. It seemed like everything was exploding.

Australia is probably in the top 3 places I want to visit.

It's so far... There Earth is big. It's on another day, the opposite season.

How is the movie Australia? $9,99? I accidentally typed a comma instead of a period, but I kept it because I think that how a lot of the world does it. Oh, I just looked it up and it's mostly Europe and South America who use commas. It's strange... I like it.

I live right next to a Hispanic cemetery. I want to walk around in it, but it's always locked, and I'm afraid I'll get caught and be seen as disrespectful. Just a little ways down the road is a Masonic cemetery. It's pretty big. It's pretty. I have walked thru a few times during the day. Once or twice with my good friend/only friend, Aaron.

Thinking of my life/life in general from another person's perspective feels infinitely helpful.

It's amazing what we can do.

Architecture in Helsinki?

Eyes and skin and hair and light and neural pathways and runways and air traffic controllers. Silver screen, digital projectors, international pop stars, 80 year old nurses. Botanical gardens, bees, cremated candy, Last will and testament, unpublished memoirs.

That's it....

I want to or need to write about my life in order to make sense of it or turn it into something positive and meaningful. I want to structure it around the places I have lived in. Starting with 827. This apartment, then working back towards living in the house with all my family, Mom, brothers, stepfather...


OK

A Journal To Save Life

It's close to 11 pm. I just emailed Aaron. I am watching OLLA again, for the third time. I freaked out and fell to the floor because DOmino kept meowing at me. It hurt my neck shoulder area a little. I ate a bowl of lettuce, carrot and olive oil. I came back to the apartment after work ended at 9 pm. It was another slow day for libraries and brains.

I fried some frozen salmon and now I'm eating it.

"I love Jack White."

I eat the skin...

I wrote some words in my spiral.

You oughta hear this.

Charlie Feathers

What is Rockabilly

The Internet is fantastic and under appreciated.

What is real physics

I feel doomed, hopeless, regretful, sorry.

Self-Meaning is dying, disappearing, crippling. Detaching. Away. Far. Being.

Shed, I burst to kiss Jeff Mangum, loosely, losing all shape and prism and prison and begging bars and after wealth and shoving health face plants and grooming and growing twothousand tears old and beginning to fever and ash and successful blood tongue fruit gasping artful beautiful basking love.

I am going to go som mewhere. WONDER..............  Breakfast, Floss. CoFEE. AGAIN, I am.

I have dreams, I dream, Saving forever.

Stacy on Friday... It gives, all there, all over

Target in the front of a locked-on squirrel

I had a little bakery in my nuts

Over lying Truth of My matter

I hate homosapiens My belchy stomach

sings myself Overlapping Hetero

Fantasies I grab the stick the

bleeding rhythmic stick my

pulse is an organ my bloody drum

Stuck on my fourth finger I have

loose noodles in my head-shaped

block of hearty ice it's inside

my looney toon career I am face to

life a sack a Poor Tom my

rump my suckling ducking forward

I piss out of my locked door, My

friend is a psycho I learned him

to lock all alfredo Peering in my

Latin Frigid Specimen I eat your

earaches. Here is this totally Unholy

Busty Waitress. Feel my Time!?

Sacks of balls, No one sees a bladder

a sickly beefy Nectar Dry as a Bitch

Flutter in her nose My dick fleece

Biting horse ecstacy Homeo

Plath Blend of extra needless

underdone saucy Blimey carcass

Fleabag Don't Suck Millie

Wonder, An open Artificial

kindle fire I wonder what

mother had for dinster, my

what a brother you have

been You're only lonely then

having lost teeth You're a

child I wonder where big

pig skins say I will kick

you out on your firey ass

you solemn opus you whiney

crat sack of Prime Dildoes

I'm intimidated I'm articulate

Finally Finally gushing My

Wunder Bra Sexual Preversion

Ono Homosapien You pissed

my future I wonder how loudly

a cry from the back court

the pantry the yard of the

Neighbor a specific friendly

gesture, Now waiting, I am

myself doing something, Now an

alcoholic, Pissing a future
Underdone Reread

I ate

3 pizza rolls and sauce

Dr pepper

3 chocolate chip cookies

3/4 box of nutter butters

coffee, vanilla almond milk

avocado, onion, 3 cherry tomatoes, garlic salt
tortilla chips

grilled ham and cheese sandwich with olive oil and onion

peanut butter and vegan chocolate chips sandwich

i'm hungry... i dunno, no control, i give it up, don't, hold, try, care, do, do. ye

What I Ate

5 bites of sweet potato
banana
wrangler breakfast taco: brisket, potato, eggs, cheese
2 cupcakes
cup of coffee
pb sandwich
banana
16 coconut wafers
tilapia filet
salad, parmesan dressing
mint camomile tea
tortilla chips
refried black beans

Still Young?, Slow balls...

an Still Young?, Slow balls...Still Young?, Slow balls...

an ocean aboard a microbe planet - bj

I would be pretty sad if this were deleted {: allright, this was added after I saved it... bye {: ha
This is for the blog. For the world. For all the love inside me to gush out and drown the earth in happiness and hope.
Mixed up message. I just want you to know. No YOUR space. KNOW you'RE space. I thot of that. I am a clever bean. What if a bean can think and reason and reflect. I would hope that it likes me. It must be concerned about being eaten. What percentage of wild beans are eaten? When a wild bean dies on the stalk or falls off and turns into soil, it thinks about its life and thinks, "It's been good. I have felt the sun and the rain and the wind. The winters were cold. Summers hot. I saw friends and family come and go. I leave a legacy. No matter what... the arctic seed storage facility will ensure that my wonderful kind will see the future, live amazing lives, feed the hungry, fertilize the soil, die happy just like me riiiigghhhhhhttttt... NOW!" Bleehhhhhggggkkk. The noise of a dying wild bean.

That seems good enough. I am alone all day. No car. I went outside at 6 am. Fun. It's around the freezing temperature outside. I have been masturbating like a monkey. I am unsure of how to set goals or plan to achieve them. I guess school is a good structure to give method for self-improvement. I did trash and mail. I made food. Cleaned a little. I watched general orders number nine on netflix. NO capital letters is more difficult to read. It's just incorrect. I am a bit paranoid that Pat may come in with or without Bridgett. Michael Cera was funny. I wonder if that article was true. On Spotify, the past two random songs on my favorite list were/are Dream On - Chemical Brothers and Thirty Incoming - The Books. I like the latter more right now. I like Books more than Chemicals. I do not understand chemicals. I do not understand most books. They can be expertly comforting or rigorously challenging. I remember the photos I saw on the Books' website. They built their own beautiful house at a beautiful snowy place. How much, how does it do...

Earlier Pixies came on, then Patton Oswalt, then Pixies, then I joked to myself that it will just be Patton and Pixies, then Patton did come on again, and I think I only have two Patton tracks out of 3000 or something. Coincidences... I don't think they are. This is just the way it seems to me. It seems it cannot be any other way. Things happen perfectly because they have to. I cannot quite explain it. It is somewhat like I <3 a="" ago.="" all="" am="" and="" at="" backdoor.="" balcony="" bathroom="" because="" bedroom="" better="" bit="" blogger.com="" body="" box.="" can="" clicked="" closet="" clothes.="" contentment.="" coolest="" cursor="" days="" dining="" doing="" door.="" door="" doors.="" english="" express="" facing="" farted.="" fast="" feel="" feeling="" for="" front="" funny.="" funny="" glad="" ha="" had="" hah="" haha="" happened="" have="" held="" high="" hope="" hopeful...="" huckabees.="" i="" in="" interesting="" into="" is="" it.="" it="" knope.="" know="" kristen="" laptop="" leslie="" letting="" like="" lot.="" makes="" maybe="" me="" met.="" mood="" more="" movie="" my="" nbsp="" nesbitt="" no="" nostalgic="" not="" of="" on="" out.="" out="" p="" person.="" person="" post="" pretty="" restless="" sara="" say="" saying="" school="" she="" smells.="" some="" sort="" started="" still="" swings="" t="" table="" take="" tegan="" text="" than="" thang="" that="" the="" them="" there="" things="" this.="" this="" thought="" thoughts.="" tired="" to="" type="" typed="" unless="" useful.="" was="" washed="" well.="" when="" who="" wordpad="" writing="">
I have to poop, Damnit! Hanna theme is better than Surrender!! I dare to Dream, Beeeee HOTTTTTCCCCCCHHHHHEESSSSSSSSS!!!! YES! SuckSESSSSSSS! {: Damn.

Still not done, grizzly bear. My beard hurt a little. I guess the hairs are so stiff that when I touch them they poke my skin... Jeff was very stern and disappointed that I drove my car hot and blew the head gasket. Yes, I should take care of my car. I know almost nothing. I felt they were judging for making my mom take care of my problems. I dunno. I want to try to be homeless... even without a car! McCool's. Silliness. Nuttiness. Poopiness. Aaron said about the past, "I didn't like my house...", I said it sounded like he didn't like the building, making an observation about language use. I think it's a synecdoche. "My house" means "living in my house". He looked so irrated and confused that I was making us talk about it. I got so embarrassed. My stomach grabbed my heart, so I said anyway. I wanted to talk about these feelings, but either I was still embarrassed that night or I didn't care enough. I ate a Christmas Tree cake early this morning, I think. I opened a new box and they are gone now. I guess Pat was here for a bit and took the rest. Hm, weird. Apprentice Eh at the end of the Australia trip videos made me so happy. They feel like real friends. Funny. I was going to text Julie, but I texted Ashley again instead.

This really does not go anywhere. Hmm... I am worn out. Work for three days, off for two days, a birthday... 24 years. Some people just never die... {: I want to watch more Cat Lady... Some hungry bundles of sacks... Gotta say goodbye... haha! Erasure - Always! So great! Vulcan video, expressive life, Viciousness!!!! {: hehe supreme... Buenas Dias...

Food Blog # 9

November 5, 2013

3 handfuls of Golden Grahams

Plateful of organic mixed greens, balsamic vinegar, sea salt, black pepper

Small organic steak


Three Double Dave's cheese rolls, marinara

Food Blog # 8

Friday, Oct. 25
7:00 am
Nature Valley Caramel Cashew Protein Granola Bar

Banana

1:00 pm
Three slices Papa Murphy's pepperoni pizza
Two fat free fig newtons
Five scoops of light Creamy Creations, dark chocolate sauce, caramel sauce

10 oz. Sonic Blackberry Tea
Few Reese's Pieces

8 pm
Organic Salad, Balsamic Parmesan dressing

Can of Bush's Maple Bacon Baked Beans

Food blog # 7

Sunday October 20

Casa De Luz -
Hibiscus tea, bean soup, salad
Tortilla, beans, vegetables, rice

Coffee, milk, sugar, vanilla extract

Baker street fried fish, zucchini fries

Food Blog #6

Friday, Oct. 18

Organic Ambrosia apple (last one)

Three organic eggs fried in margarine, garlic salt, pepper

I.D. Vanilla Iced Coffee

Ben and Jerry's Heath Bar ice cream, almost half a pint

Wholly Cow cheeseburger

Some Diet Peach Snapple

Spicy Breaded Chicken Breast Filet, black beans, cherry coke

Hot Chocolate

Food Blog # 5

Thursday, Oct. 17

Two organic eggs fried in olive oil, garlic salt, pepper

Organic ambrosia apple

Two Double Dave's cheese rolls

2 cups International Delight Vanilla Iced Coffee

P. Terry's cheeseburger with onions

Orange juice, coconut rum, creme de banana

Food Blog #4

Wednesday, Oct. 16
7:00 a.m.

Two organic scrambled eggs, olive oil, garlic salt, pepper
Organic ambrosia apple

Triscuits (~20) and extra garlicky salsa

Coffee, milk, sugar, banana flavored syrup

Organic mixed greens and sweet potato, coconot oil, salt (I tripped on a stair and dropped some of it and broke the plate.)

Food Blog #1 (It is so funny to me that I forgot to post this) Worst Possible Start to a blog

Sunday, Oct. 13
9:30 a.m.
Raisin Nut Bran with 2% Milk

Organic Egg fried in Canola Oil with sea salt and black pepper

2:20 p.m.
Flour Tortilla, Market Pantry Refried beans, Jalepeno slices, provolone cheese.

Starbucks coffee, milk, vanilla coffee mate