started about 11 a m

The Very Tip of the Lobe



i have read about 45 pages of  In Watermelon Sugar

aaron gave it to me. a guy at bhs, who he likes, gave it to him

i like it a lot .  it reminds me of things i write

it makes me a bit sad , nostalgic and claustrophobic

it seems like average quality writing - - i don't why i thought that. he writes simply at times, and strangely, but it is really good and actually deep and complex.

Brautigan's life story makes me sad

he seems to have a wonderful , imaginative , humourous  way

   about him

I think it has been about 6 days since i came


i felt bad this morning ,  a bit hungover i think

i was getting ready very slowly then texted jesse and said , i started getting sick and i was not going to make it today.

i drank a bit of coffee and took 2 bites of sausage and pooped a bit

i took a bunch of medicine , pepto and a laxative .  i am very careless often


sometimes when i feel anxious i tell myself ,  i don't care ,  it doesn't matter , nothing

matters.  i shouldn't do that. it doesn't help

yesterday i thought ,

            I do not know. I wonder if I ever really care


aaron and i hung out for a couple hours on saturday, around 12

it was nice, he talked a lot about Inland Empire and Until the End of the World

and he began to demolish their bedroom wall to move the door

bobby has colon cancer and is on chemo

if bobby gets better they want to get their own place

it is a kind of bad situation causing bad feelings


Oh well

                       i just read  Under the Plank Press

fre'ds bat

Mom said she will take a shower and right after i thought,    I will drink wine [ so i

feel good and relaxed ]

i do not want her to find out i drink too much wine


OK . .  I just drank a glass or 2 , strait from the box . . of Fish Eye from Aus.

i keep rubbin' my nipples

at night in bed , i have been edging , listening and watching , the People revealing , sharing

. .  you know . . how does it get worse?

it gets better

Trust Some One

Now Love Yourself , God Fugging

Lord Love a duCk

have too muck Fun


My mom will go fetch teeth whitener from the dentist at 1 p m

she may be gone for a  boot 1 houra

i feel chilly  and a bit tippsy

i changed clothes , hooody socks

i whispered 'cunt' and 'n*gge*' to myself a lot

I feel a bit guilty for exaggerating and lying to stay home today

also i feel this is way better

than getting worn out and waiting and wondering if we can do anything right and WHY . . . at work

lot of Ws

Work, Why, Wonder, Wait, Worn


Broccoli   Honey


BH are my mother's initials


she is making herself lunch

i'm on the chapter   Until Lunch


it is 11:41

i mite eat a fiesta bowl of rice and butter and garlix alt

i think it green

i find it
                    funny


there is something about cancer. I think i want some.

it is weird


yesterday i heard the Ear Biscuits , Life and Loss of Ben

it is amazing


it is 11 49

my mothra is listening to a covid19 white house press conference


i feel funny . .  ha [:

i had insane dreams last night

i slept more deeply than usual


Better call Saul , Dedicado a Max is really good {:

we saw it last night

we ate the rest of the ginger garlic Indonesian chicken legs

and yeast rolls . . nice ,  soft ,  warm ,  salty

i had the last one this morn ,  chunk of butter



okay

i am gonna eat rice now

later, bye

it is 12 01

-- i watched Wheezy Waiter , craig ,  We Stopped Drinking Alcohol for a Month, Here's What Happened ,  and i learned a bit  of   Other  Self